A low standard for miracles

Lyle Jeffs, of the infamous polygamous Jeffs clan, has disappeared from house arrest. His lawyer has an explanation.

As this Court is well aware, Mr. Jeffs is currently not available to inform his counsel whether or not he agrees to the Continuance, she wrote. Whether his absence is based on absconding, as oft alleged by the Government in their filings, or whether he was taken and secreted against his will, or whether he experienced the miracle of rapture is unknown to counsel.

I’ve got to remember this excuse.

“Hello, officer. Oh, a bank was robbed in town? How sad.”

“That big pile of money I was rolling around in? No, that’s not from the bank. That was immanentized into existence by the divine will of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He loves me very much.”

“Yes, my face might be on the security cameras, but that’s because the FSM is such a jolly prankster — He probably put it there for a laugh.”

“Bye! Hope you catch the robber!”

At least now I’ve got the name of a lawyer, Kathryn Nester, who will be happy to back up my defense.


  1. Sastra says

    Sounds more like lawyer-ly dry wit to me. If she was defending David Icke she might suggest the possibility he turned into a lizard. The main point is “don’t look at me, I know nothing, nothing.”

  2. slithey tove (twas brillig (stevem)) says

    to translate that quote:Don’t ask me where he is, he could be anywhere [list of implausibilities] I’m just his lawyer, don’t ask me no questions!

  3. blf says

    In the Grauniad earlier this year, Is the end of days looming for fundamentalist sect in Utah?:

    The Fundamentalist Latter-day Saints believe an apocalyptic miracle will free their imprisoned leader this week but the group’s own future is in doubt

    The new federal courthouse in downtown Salt Lake City is a massive, futuristic cube of metal and glass that looks imposing, austere and, above all, impregnable. Armed guards patrol the exterior 24 hours a day.

    But if a certain group of polygamous religious extremists in a lonely corner of southern Utah are to be believed, this Wednesday [6-April-2016] the walls will split open and fall when one of their leaders, Lyle Jeffs, appears before the judge in a major fraud case […].

    Simultaneously, an earthquake will apparently cause the walls of a prison in Texas to crumble and Lyle’s brother, Warren Jeffs, the group’s prophet and supreme leader, will also walk free — despite the fact he has been serving a sentence of life plus 20 years in that state since 2011, convicted of having sex with underage girls as young as 12 that he took as polygamous wives.

    By divine coincidence, perhaps, Wednesday is 6 April, the date most Mormons — and the outlawed, rejected offshoot sect of that religion known as the Fundamentalist Latter-day Saints (FLDS) — proclaim is the actual birthday of Jesus Christ.

    The SLC courthouse is a smoking ruin, a prison collapsed, and the Jeffs Mormon Pedophiles Mission is going from strength to strengthchild rape to child rape.

    The Grauniad on the pedophile’s escape, Slick escape: polygamous sect leader uses olive oil to slip free of FBI tracker. Besides the apparently low-tech nature of his absconding, the court was warned he would abscond: “Less than two weeks after a judge released him, Jeffs violated his house arrest” (he escaped), as predicted “Federal prosecutors, along with an estranged member of the family, had previously urged the government not to release Lyle, arguing that he would flee.” And after the absconding, “Jeffs’ public defender declined to comment” (I assume this is the same dweeb quoted in the OP).

  4. wzrd1 says

    Such a dry and glib response to a jurist, I’m actually rather surprised that the judge didn’t declare the attorney in contempt of court.

  5. congaboy says

    I agree with wzrd1@6. As an attorney, I would only make such “jokes” if it were part of a banter led by the bench and only orally. I try to never offer an explanation unless I can produce evidence to support my claims. Absent that, I usually wait until I have spoken with my client or the client’s family before offering any explanation. Saying that he may have been abdicated could be construed that the attorney may have some knowledge as to the client’s disappearance. It is risky and often foolish to present explanations without some evidence. This attorney also runs the risk of losing the one thing lawyers have in court; credibility.

  6. unclefrogy says

    well it will be fun when the Jeffs is re-captured this is not even 1916 let alone 1850.
    uncle frogy