I am seventeen years old. I have been an atheist for about a year now. I don’t wish to sound overdramatic, but it’s been hard. I’ve never been on the receiving end of mistrust or had to hide myself before, and it’s been difficult to get used to.
I grew up very religious. My mother is a devout Catholic, and she had the most influence over my religious beliefs until I gave up my faith. My father is an agnostic with a healthy disdain for organized religion, though he never talked about this with us (I guessed, and finally got the truth out of him two years ago). Nearly every night, my mother would read to my brother and I from our children’s bible. She taught us, however, that the church and the bible weren’t always right-her way of coping, I guess, with the contraception ban and the thinly veiled hatred of gays. Later on, I went to Sunday school and then to Catholic school, which I still attend now. I believed in and loved God and Jesus with all the fervor of a young child.
As I grew older, however, things started not making sense. The whole notion of a “loving God”, for one thing. I went on a mission trip to El Salvador and saw for myself human suffering of a magnitude I had never known before. When I asked how God could let these people live that way, I was told that God was just as upset as I was, but he couldn’t do a thing about it. But how did they know? Was that something they were just telling themselves to reconcile all of the pain in the world with a God who loves us like his own children? A religious trip ended up sowing the first seeds of doubt in my mind.
I started thinking of Moses, who had supposedly met with God on Mt. Sinai to make the Ten Commandments. If those events had actually happened, couldn’t Moses had just carved the tablets himself to cement his control over the Hebrews? Could all the prophetic dreams that happen in the Bible just have been that-dreams? Could people have just been hearing voices? Mental illness had to exist back then, after all. I was very worried about the direction my thoughts were taking me. I didn’t want to burn in hell for eternity, and I didn’t want to have to admit to myself that death was the absolute end. But my thoughts consumed me until I had to admit to myself that the Bible had no authority to me anymore, and concede my atheism. And though the lack of an afterlife disturbed me at first, I realized that I would not feel anything, since I had not felt anything before I was born, and therefore I would be unaware of nonexistence.
I was at peace with my new identity when my mother forced the truth out of me. I had originally planned on not letting her know until I went away to college, because I had had a feeling she would be upset. It was during a fight we were having because I’d told her to the truth about not going to Confession that day at school. She gave me the third degree and finally, I cracked. Her reaction was worse than I’d thought it would be. She accused me of “dropping a bomb” on her, and that someone had obviously influenced me to believe what I believed now, and that this was just a phase that teenagers went through. As I pride myself on being a free thinker and that I’d come to this conclusion on my own, that irritated me. But then she told me that if I continued down this road that I would lose all my morals, and that I would end up as a criminal or worse. I think as a result of that day there’s a rift between us, and I honestly believe she has less respect for me than she did before.
I don’t plan on keeping my atheism a secret forever, but I’m “closeted” for now until I meet people who are more open minded. At my Catholic school, most of the people I know are very religious. One of my best friends teaches religion at her church. I don’t want to alienate them; when they think of atheists, they think of Christian-hating nihilists who want to kill all believers-not an exaggeration. I’m not one of those people at all, but indoctrination tends to get the best of people, and I don’t want to end up without friends. I’m also dating a guy who is great in every way except that he’s a Baptist religious conservative, and I wouldn’t want to alienate him either. My mom is trying to get me back to believing. This year for Christmas she got me a book about “miracles” that happened during the Holocaust. I really wanted to say that if God had managed to prevent the Holocaust, that would’ve been the greatest miracle of all, but I held my tongue. And it’s even worse that slandering atheists is acceptable everywhere, from the media to the highest levels of government.
Despite all of this, I am very happy in my unbelief and I don’t see myself having faith again. I like the new integrity and peace this identity brings me. When I do good things for people, I’m not doing them to score brownie points with a deity. I don’t have to rationalize and justify the Bible-“oh, God can’t think that about gay people. It was just Leviticus’ own prejudices coming through”-in order to believe in it. I don’t have to angst over why a benevolent God would allow such evil to go on in our world, I can just accept that no higher power exists and that people cause the world’s woes, with no supernatural entity that can stop them but won’t. I can just live my life knowing that this is the only one I’ll get, so I should live it well.
Something that is said a lot at my school is that faith sets you free. I don’t understand that. Faith had only chained me with doubt, confusion, and guilt over so-called sin. Lack of faith has set me free-free from dogma, free from hatred, and most of all, free from a petty, malicious, overgrown Santa Claus spying on me in the sky.
Julia Brandon
And they always say it like that’s a bad thing…
Glen Davidson
Julia, you sound pretty awesome, and you’re way ahead of where a lot of us were at seventeen. I was almost certainly an atheist by then, too, though I didn’t have the certainty to say so until years later.
As for the others at your school, just remind them that the more idiomatic phrase really is “The truth shall set you free.”
Julia, thanks for sharing this with us. I, too, find it wonderfully freeing to be atheist, and in fact rather than being less moral, it’s a more honest morality. I do want to address something you wrote though – obviously you are the one who has to live with the repercussions of your actions, but this little passage bothered me.
It seems to me like a good chance to show friends that atheists aren’t Christian-hating nihilists. That’s one of the points of the OUT campaign – to show people that atheists are just like everyone else – we come in a variety of sizes, shapes, and temperaments. If they are close friends, they might be shocked, but you can help destigmatise atheism to them.
As to your boyfriend, if he’s a great guy, you won’t alienate him. And if he would treat you poorly for your beliefs, I don’t think that bodes well for a relationship.
Good luck, and congratulations.
Your position is well thought out and you’ve submitted a very well-written testimonial, Julia. I understand your difficulty in sharing right now and assure you that will change as you emerge into the university and the wider world.
If you haven’t already checked out student-oriented groups such as CFI On Campus (http://www.centerforinquiry.net/oncampus/) and the Secular Student Alliance (http://www.secularstudents.org/) please do.
You’ll find that you’re far from alone.
That is something that has always struck me.
According to the bible, the Jews are god’s favorites with their very own Covenant. Kept in a box called the Ark and now, according to Indiana Jones, in a CIA warehouse.
It hasn’t seemed to have done them any good. The Jews have been persecuted for 2,000 years by their progeny, xianity. They fought the Romans three times and lost each time, finally being kicked out of their lands after the Bar Kochba revolt in the 1st century CE. Followed by various pogroms at various times and culminating with the Holocaust.
The OT is the story of the Jews genociding the Canannites and stealing their land, women, and stuff. Followed by the Jews getting kicked around by the Assyrians, Babylonians, Persians, Greeks, and Romans for the next 800 years.
Today they number 13 million, and aren’t growing much. With a precarious hold on Israel.
Being god’s chosen people with a magic Covenant hasn’t done them much good. If their god is so weak, why bother calling it god much less worshipping it. A friend of mine survived the Holocaust as a child. Most of his family didn’t. He became an atheist in a refugee camp after the war for these reasons.
I don’t need to wish you good luck, Julia. Your integrity & intelligence should see you through.
Thanks, Julia. Wish I had been as clear-thinking and strong-minded as you are when I was your age.
Hi Julia,
I enjoyed reading your essay. You sound very together – many of us were teenagers a long time ago and it’s hard to resist the urge on the part of us middle aged folks to reach out and give some gentle encouragement and advice. I just wanted to say that being an atheist doesn’t mean you have to break off relationships with religious people at all. My wife is somewhat religious, and we have a fine relationship. Your mom is expressing the sorts of fears that parents always have, because we’ve been there and a whole lot can go wrong between 17 and 22 or so, when the children they have raised go off to college and start to become fully independent, capable adults. Any parent fears that their child will lose their moral foundation. The difference is, you don’t have to be religious to be moral. In a few years, as you grow into a kind, intelligent and independent woman, your mom will realize her fears were misplaced. Atheists value kindness and honesty as much as anyone. Your experience in El Salvador is hugely important and I hope it sticks with you. Too often, the Catholic Church focuses on dogma instead of its social justice mission, and these days in America, a lot of people think social justice is somehow wrong. I’m glad you see differently, and that in itself is a highly moral position. So don’t let people pressure you about belief and morality, because your awareness and understanding of extreme poverty can grow and deepen without God. What counts in this life is actually doing something about it; clean water and a health clinic counts more than all the prayers and good wishes of the faithful. So get to college and get that degree, value your curiosity and your intelligence and your education, and do something with your life that contributes toward the common good. I guarantee your mom will come around. We’re all rooting for you.
Greg Lake put it well in the Emerson, Lake & Palmer song “The Only Way”:
Can you believe, God makes you breathe?
Why did he lose six million Jews?
Julia, yours is one of the most articulate and moving submissions to the “Why I’m an Atheist” series. Brava! You will meet lots of skeptics of various stripes after you’re out of high school and you won’t feel so alone. Things may be a bit more difficult with your mother now, but remember that she loves you.
Great story, Julia. You write very well. My daughter is close to your age and has grown up without any gods in her life, which is a bit easier here in 99% non-Christian Japan. The year we lived in the US, her best friend was the daughter of a pastor so I got to spend some time explaining about religion to her. However, her friend accepted her as she was and never tried to proselytize to her or convert her (they were 8th graders).
I understand how you are reluctant to tell your friends about your non-belief but it’s hard living a lie and as Epinephrine pointed out above, if they are really your friends, they won’t ostracize you. If they do, then they aren’t the right people to be friends with. You don’t have to “announce” yourself to them, but just live as you think is right and if someone asks you about your beliefs directly, you can answer directly.
Both of my brothers are very religious and we get along fine–we just don’t talk about religion. I respect them for being kind, generous people and I’d like to think they feel the same way about me. Would they prefer I was religious like them? Probably. But they know it’s not going to happen so we just live and let live, which is how it will probably happen with your mother.
You’re at a wonderful time in your life so be yourself and enjoy living it without worrying about what others think of you. Go your own way and do what is best for you. You’re not alone and you will meet plenty of people like yourself in the future.
… I’m “closeted” for now …
Not if your name really is Julia Brandon…
If you do find yourself under attack, read up on and get in touch with Jessica Ahlquist – another brave, smart freethinking teen.
Congratulations on using your own brain to reason this out on your own. I tried really hard to believe everything they told me when I was a kid but, like you, it just never made any sense. Unfortunately, I was not as brave as you in determining that I really was an atheist until much later in life. And fortunately my mom wasn’t nearly as upset.
Finally, I have to second what Epinephrine said re: the boyfriend: if he and other people cannot accept your atheism that is their problem, not yours. No need to feel guilty about that.
Thanks for sharing your story and good luck with your journey.
Well thought out and spoken. Stay strong, stay honest and you can’t go wrong.
And I absolutely love this part:
“Something that is said a lot at my school is that faith sets you free. I don’t understand that. Faith had only chained me with doubt, confusion, and guilt over so-called sin. Lack of faith has set me free-free from dogma, free from hatred, and most of all, free from a petty, malicious, overgrown Santa Claus spying on me in the sky.”
Great essay, Julia. I struggled over many of the same issues you did, but I didn’t have your clarity of mind at that age, so it took me much longer to realise my atheism.
I’ve a close friend raised atheist and secular Jew (but mostly atheist) who is just now exploring aspects of religiosity out of a pragmatic curiosity. We’ve argued about this a lot—the best description I can give for what he’s doing is trying to achieve a religious ‘placebo effect’ through the kind of secular belief the sophisticated theologists™ claim everyone has. (Not everyone has, because my friend is trying to have it, and he’ll tell you he’s pretty much alone in his non-believing belief.)
Anyhoo, he tells me that some Jews, like his family, became atheists because of the Holocaust. Either God broke his covenant with the Jews that he’d no longer require burnt human offerings (and therefore fuck him, the deal-breaker), or he didn’t exist.
I don’t know how common this is, but this is at least how some Jews see this problem.
Great article! All the best to you.
redwood,
are you sure your daughter is free from superstition though? Japan might not have many Christians (though there are more in the upper class), but religion is a big business too in Japan. And don’t get me started on the superstitions and woo (Reiki etc).
It can also harm society:
Shintoist beliefs about the body compound the problem that organ transplants are very hard to obtain, especially for children.
The influence of the Sôka Gakkai through its political mouthpiece, the Kômeitô on the nation’s politics.
Also don’t forget the pernicious role the Yasukuni Shrine has played in complicating Japan’s international relations.
Oh boy, did it ever irritate me when I was a teenager. If I disagreed with my father then obviously my mother had manipulated me to disagree with him and if I ever wanted to do the same thing or liked the same thing as one of my older sisters she would accuse me of copying her.
Teenagehood, the time when no matter how cogent your argument or how strong your opinion, you cannot possibly have reasoned your way to it. (/sarcasm)
Wonderful Julia! I know it’s hard now but hang in there. You have many friends you’ve never met.
Julia,
I wish I had been, at seventeen, as mature and articulate as you obviously are. Here’s my favorite part of your essay: “When I do good things for people, I’m not doing them to score brownie points with a deity.” Like so many of us, on abandoning your faith, your first impulse apparently is to continue doing good things for people. For what it’s worth, that makes you a good person in my book.
I hope your mother and friends read this. If I were a parent (and I’m old enough to be yours), I would be extremely proud to have a daughter like you.
Thank you for the clear and concise essay – I wish I’d been as certain of my own beliefs as a teenager. Although I gave up church at the age of 14 – about the time I gave up on religion – I couldn’t shake the notion that maybe there was a creator but humans had lied and cheated for so long they’d forgotten the real message.
Ultimately in my search for ‘duh troof’ I read the Jefferson Bible, followed by the Gnostic Gospels, followed by Dawkins and every other atheist author I could find, which led me to realise that no gods are required.
It will get better, Julia. I’d guess a fair few of the Pharyngulian horde have similar experiences in their past. So, you’ve found a good place to hang out! College will likely be better in this regard. I found it so, at any rate: it was the first place where I found people for whom the notion of atheism wasn’t cause for hysterics.
Hi Julia and welcome to the club.
It’s true, the truth does set you free. Religion tries to lock in a box and atheism lets you see that.
It’s difficult upsetting your mother, after all you are her ‘little girl’, but try and talk to your father about it and in time your mother will treat you like the responsible adult that you are.
I know and my ‘little girl’ is now 36! She’s more intelligent than I am, or so she believes, but I couldn’t possible comment!
Wonderful essay! Congratulations, Julia, for your strength and intelligence. Scottportman above said everything I was thinking and much better than I can!
Thanks Julia. With you and Jessica and all the other thinking young adults the future looks less gloomy.
How ironic that the person who influenced your initial beliefs at a time when you were susceptible to suggestion would suggest that belief based on your ability to reason now was somehow wrong.
Dear Julia,
It gets better.
Try to remember that some of us old folks forget what it was like to be young. They forget that “young” often correlates with “inexperienced,” but is not synonymous with “stupid.”
There are idiots who think that young people can’t have a thought process (I wonder if they didn’t have thought processes when they were young? ‘Cause I totally remember having one as far back as age five). Fortunately, there are few people who think that adults can’t have a thought process. The whole “you don’t know what you think”/”you’re under the influence of someone” bullshit will wear off in a few years.
One of the finest entries in the ‘why I am an atheist” series.
If you can write like this at 17, there is hope for the future…
Bravo.. and thank you PZ for publishing it.
Julia, your Mom is scared for you. Even if she gets ugly with you, remember that. You know she has nothing to be afraid of. You will chose what you think is right and wrong and live accordingly, and I strongly suspect that you will not become anyone she has to be ashamed of. But she doesn’t know that now. I know it hurts your feelings that she doesn’t trust you, but she is terribly aware that many kids get themselves into trouble at your age, and she was kind of pretending to herself that your religion was going to protect you from that. Now she fears you will have nothing to guide you. You know you have your sense of right and wrong and your common sense, but she hasn’t figured that out yet. Cut her a little slack, and I think she will learn to cut you some. Let some time pass; I know it will get better.
You write very well, young woman. That is a tool that will stand you in good stead when you get to college. Take care, have fun, learn a lot. You’ll do fine.
Has anyone ever met an atheist who wants to kill all believers? I mean they’re clearly not common – I’ve never met one or even heard a halfway reliable report – but do they exist at all? Are we talking white rhinos or the Loch Ness Monster here?
And yes, you sound enormously more together than I was at 17. I think you’ll be going places, and I rather hope we get to watch.
Bravo Julia. Wonderfully written. I echo michaelgalante’s (#13) sentiment. I also have found that faith was a trap and skepticism, rationality and atheism has set me free.
Be true to yourself.
Well, Christianity came to Europe on the point of a sword, and the Church killed all unbelievers until quite recently, historically speaking, so I just take that as projection.
Julia, thank you for sharing this. My parents too believe my atheism to be a ‘phase’ and I know how irritating it is, when you’ve come to the decision through rational thought and they view it as a childish rebellion (even though I’m in my 20s now!). I too found myself in the awkward position of being an atheist at a religious school so keep up the hard work. It does get better!
You seem like an intelligent young woman, so keep smiling and look forward to college! :-D
Good job!
Sounds a lot like my story, coming out of Catholicism, except I was the last holdout among my friends. I didn’t have to figure out how to avoid alienating anyone.
It’s a damn shame that you have to navigate that for the sake of belief in fairies, but your courage and conviction does my heart good.
If anyone is keeping a response list for the “What’s the harm?” question, here’s another entry.
When I was 16 I declared my atheism to my father and he declared it “just a phase.” When I talked to him 40 years later he agreed it wasn’t a phase. But it took 40 years for him to admit that.
Excellent post – clear, candid and insightful! Thanks.
Julia, you share your name (after a pretty intuitive translation) with my recently estranged daughter.
I so wish she had written this beautiful “confession”. My Julia, who’s a good bit older than you, is also a free-thinker but more of a “Apatheist”. One that really doesn’t give a crap about religion and that’s the way I tried to raise her.
I have to wonder, after reading your essay, where is your father? Doesn’t your mom see the hypocrisy of marrying an atheist but condemning a daughter that has made the same choice? Are they divorced?
I hope one day we will live in a society where people like us, that believe in evidence instead of fables, will be able to declare their beliefs and not fear for their safety or be shunned by their family and friends.
If we want to see that day, each one of us needs to do some work and try to dispel the false pre-conception that atheists are bad people.
When the time is ripe, you may want to approach your religious friends and ask them: “Do you think I am a good person?” and let them praise your qualities. Then tell them you are an atheist and use it as a teachable moment. It will create confusion and even resentment, but if you play your cards right, you may be able to at least change the perspective of one person. Maybe more.
Good luck to you
This was one of the best why-an-atheist articles yet. Thank you, Julia, for contributing.
(And can somebody please unhook Glen Davidson’s IP address? I’m more than tired of reading his crappy comments all the time.)
Feel free to not read them.
Funny that your mother twisted your arm to admit something was wrong and then blamed you for telling her. People aren’t logical, sometimes.
Teenagers can be both original and brilliant thinkers.
Christians will celebrate a ten-year-old who wants to be a Christian but cast doubt on a twenty-year-old who has seen through their myths.
Best of luck getting through school and getting away. Any chance of transferring to a secular school? Catholic schools excel at instilling guilt and fear.
Excellent essay.
…or to put it another way, “to thine own self be true.”
The truth shall set you free. It really is about what’s … real.
Julia the day’s going to come when you’ll have to explain to your mom that xtians have worse morals and that prisons are full of the religious. Explain that if her hypothesis on morality were true, Japan would be the most violent insane culture on Earth. Tibet would be nothing but thieves and murderers. Come armed with the facts and some “easy reads” like Hitchens. Help her explore the world’s religions and guide her into an explanation of why she falsifies those religions. Rather than overwhelm, realize that her absorption of these facts will be glacial compared to yours (she’s had many more years of blind indoctrination than you). You might start by asking her what exactly would be different about the world if there were no god? Would it all be like El Salvador? If god is omnipotent/omnipresent/benevolent/omniscient then why does he treat countries differently? Is it because men have drawn lines on maps and declared nation-states therefore god decides to honor these boundaries? If so, where is the knowledge base concerning his acknowledgement of nation-states? And you mention Moses: What is the true social reason for using the Jewish testament as part of the xtian bible? Why are only a few phrases used from the Jewish bible while the vast majority (11th+ commandments) ignored as superceded?