Ben Goldacre found an exciting job ad. Unfortunately, he’s completely unqualified for the position, which is probably why he mocks it. It’s fear, yeah, that’s the ticket, he laughs at it because he’s afraid.
Hang on a minute…I don’t qualify for the job, either! I haven’t got the vaguest clue about how one goes about sub-molecular harmonic frequencies using ultimatonic field patterning instruments. I don’t even meet the vegetarian requirement.
Oh, well, then…mock away, everyone!
Why do they want to pay someone with training for that?
A lab rat would do as well, and be cheaper. Then again, it wouldn’t be vegetarian, at least not voluntarily.
But if they insist on an education for propaganda value, why don’t they send their announcement to the DI? They don’t seem to do anything but lie about real scientists, and might like doing something sciency with magic, and, think of it, psionic hardware. And they already have parascientific knowledge, just read their output.
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/mxaa3p
One does wonder how many applicants responded?
I was in the running until the veggy only bombshell…gutted I is!
Some UK companies won’t hire non-vegetarians? Is that legal there? Man, thank god the right to gorge oneself on bacon-wrapped beef tips is still enshrined in our U.S. constitution so these sorts of abuses cannot occur.
Even if that pay is in euros it’s shitty pay for a PhD. Of course if you got your PhD from Patriot Bible University…wait I’m mixing up my nonsense.
I’ll bet the ad is worded so that someone’s wife is the only person qualified and willing to do the work for the salary offered.
Seems like a wonderful job opportunity for a vegetarian, out-of-work Star Trek ex-scriptwriter.
Also, they seem to be in a time-slip:
(Yes, they have a 20th Century web site!)
I’m almost confident my diplomas *waves papers hastily written in crayon* will match anything other applicants have to offer.
It’s pretty easy, just don’t cross the streams.
From a comment on Ben’s site, I found this interesting link for the man behind the ‘Educational Trust’, Gordon Smith.
http://www.positivehealth.com/author-view.php?authorid=242
Verry interesting, but dumb!
somewhere I have a D&D character who qualifies for this position easily.
Can someone please tell this non-scientist what this job is supposed to do?
#11
“Can someone please tell this non-scientist what this job is supposed to do?”
Pretend woo in all guises is valid!
Armand, as a scientist, I am at as much of a loss as you are. I suppose I’m not vegetarian enough.
I, for one, welcome unitless pay offers!
Bah. Somewhere, I’ve got a V&V character (The Mindmaster) that’s forgotten more about ultimatonic quantum field patterning than your D&D character will ever learn. This ain’t magic, this is Super-Science™!
Alas, he’s a bacon-eater, but I’m sure (with an appropriate roll of the dice) he’d invent a decent vegetarian bacon in no time at all.
You’re forgetting the free health care. That could be worth a bunch to the right person. And you’re also overlooking the resume’ enhancing that such scientific gobbledygook can add to your career portfolio.
Enjoy.
I just had to look up a couple of these terms.
Ultimatonic: Processes that use ultimitons (like electronics uses electrons.) Ultimitons are elementary particles that make up electrons. (And you thought the electron was an elementary particle.) This is based on the Urantia Book ( http://truthliving.com/ultimaton.htm )
Radioaesthetics: Dowsing, pure and simple.
You kind of wonder what the heck they’re making. A machine that dowses all by itself? Hey, I can do that with a simple motor, a wire hanger a couple of pulleys and some string.
Its hard to mock. Its stunning language idiocy numbs the brain. I was left wondering if the vegetarian health standard would involve cleaning everything with carrots.
Alright it says that no benefits are stated but I think we should take for a given that they include weekly high colonics, chakra adjustment, colloidal silver dosing and crystal therapy. Personally I’d settle for nothing less.
What is “parascientific knowledge”?
Dammit I wish someone had picked this up when it was still live. I would have applied just for the giggles. I’m sure I could have mangled my qualifications into something attractive to them.
If you go on their website, there’s a ‘Trials ‘ section. There’s only one trial and it compares how the patients felt (rather than any objective clinical evaluation) after treatment and, of course, there is no control group so we can’t see how this is not placebo. A clinical trial this aint’t. In the name of research however I have asked for the paper and I’ll post an analysis so we can see how scientists just DO NOT UNDERSTAND this whole holistic thing.
Actually, with the (debatable) exception of the psionics, the D&D char I was thinking of didn’t know any magic as D&D defines it. He was an unfortunate transplant from a different universe.
@ llewelly #10 and John Morales #14:
Well at no point does the advert specify that the applicant has to be a real person. It seems fair for fantasy characters to apply for a job in a field of fantasy research. However, the closing date has passed (unless you are going to make the application part of your characters back story).
I’m from the UK and I’m sure that, regardless of the rest of the job description, the vegetarian diet requirement is blatant descrimination and must be illegal. Can anyone think of a job requiring vegetarianism as a prerequisite?
If vegetarianism is the “minimum health standard” requirement, what is the maximum?? – Veganism. Or maybe it is an omnivore diet in which case the job description should read – “Candidate must eat food as a health standard”.
A word of advice: If you go to the job interview, leave your seal clubs at home.
@ Haley #4:
Since the address is in the UK, pounds sterling would be the more likely units. In the UK, people with higher degrees are often very badly paid. However, that would still count as an extremely low offer. On the other hand, it’s very good pay for someone whose “experience” is in a fake field of knowledge.
Well, it’s merely in another place in our quadrimensional continuum, so with a little interthreduality, let’s do the time warp, again!
—
Walton, parascientific knowledge lies beside scientific knowledge, though it isn’t science and it isn’t scientific.
And when someone asks you if you are a god, you say yes.
“… it isn’t science and it isn’t knowledge.”
@ Gladsmuir #23:
Strictly speaking, since it is worded so poorly, it isn’t necessarily a diet requirement. You merely need to have personal health matching vegetarian minimum. Vegetarians can be quite sick. So it isn’t exactly a hard target.
I see that their kit works over the Internet. Should be ideal for detecting bombs in Iraq and Afghanistan – just get a netbook at each checkpoint and bingo: you’re dead!
@Bride of Shrek OM #18:
I was thinking that the said not stated health regime would be more akin to something from the film, “The Road to Wellville”.
The restriction on vegetarianism should be challenged. I’d pay genuine British Sterling to help fund a legal case against it. I’m sure the courts are in need of a good laugh.
Are you sure this ad is not some kind of a joke?
It is hard to believe someone would actually take seriously a bunch of made up sciency words..
It is the scientific knowledge some think they have when they really have none.
As in the DI variety of science.
Ooh, it gets better: follow the “non-chemical healing products” link and they will tell you that “our products have no chemicals”. Yet somehow they also claim to be selling “tablets”. Who can say what etheric substance their tablets are composed of? I think I’ll write and ask (maperton@aol.com)
Okay, text of letter follows:
Dear Sir or Madam,
I’m fascinated by your claim that “Our products have no chemicals” (your web page, link “non-chemical healing products”). What, may I ask, are your tablets made from? Do they perchance contain any of the following chemicals:
Glucose, fructose, sucrose, or other carbohydrates classifiable as sugars?
The polysaccharide carbohydrates commonly known as “starch” and “cellulose”?
Calcium carbonate in the form commonly known as “chalk”?
Dihydrogen monoxide?
I would greatly appreciate any enlightenment as to how it is possible to produce anything describable as a “tablet” without using any chemical substance whatsoever; the only ingredients I can think of are ectoplasm and ichor, which are notoriously difficult for mortals to process.
Incidentally, was the construction of your website influenced by ingestion of CH3-CH2-OH?
In anticipation of your detailed response, my very best regards to you.
Dr. Stephen Wells
@ Walton #19:
I suspect they’re trying to hire the Ghostbusters (or similar), ie they mean the same sort of woo as parapsychology but with even more cargo cult physics! They want to pretend it goes alongside science. However, various of the usual meanings of the para prefix are more revealing/amusing than that.
Parascience could be that which is in the opposite position from science, ie nonscience / nonsense. [see chemistry]
Parascience could be overtly acting against science. [see parasol]
Parascience could be the inferior side-kick of science. [see ~medic, ~legal]
I like the way Wiktionary comes right out and says it their choice of second definition though. Viz: parascience would be abnormal, incorrect science!
Actually, I’m fairly sure it’s not illegal. (I’m an English law student, but I haven’t studied employment law and so am not speaking from any particular position of expertise.)
Various UK statutes prevent discrimination in employment on certain specific grounds – namely gender, race, religion or belief, sexual orientation, disability and age. Even then, there are exceptions where the job genuinely requires a person with certain characteristics: for instance, a religious ministry would be allowed to only hire practising members of its own religion, and a theatre would be allowed to hire people of the requisite race and gender to play a given character.
To the best of my knowledge, there is no UK law prohibiting discrimination on the grounds of dietary choices. I suppose, in some cases, diet could come under the heading of “religion or belief” – it certainly would if the diet were religiously-motivated, e.g. observant Jews and Muslims refraining from eating pork – but I’m pretty sure that this particular job advert is not breaking the law in any way.
And I’ve now reported them to the Trading Standards authority via Consumer Direct, as I think they’ve violated the trades descriptions act.
I read somewhere that Ben Stein was fired recently… somebody should send him this ad; he certainly is qualified.
There are legitimate occasions for employees to be required (in their job contracts) to refrain from having certain foods, lest they bring the contamination into work with them. But that’s an evidence-based situation – and a life-and-death one at that! The non-science nutters won’t have any evidence to support a claim that employees must be vegetarian or else the magic won’t work.
Love it!
Click this link to get a FULL free online treatment:
http://www.mapertontrust.com/htmlfiles/treatmentdetails.htm
Just fill the fields with whatever you want and click the treatment will began before your eyes. You will see a page with this text:
Treatment Page
An finally, lo! The treatment is over and your illness is gone! Awesome is awesome!
It says “Benefits: None Stated”
But they have UNICORNS!
http://www.mapertontrust.com/
I use my ultimatonic patterning devices to make my vegetables look and taste like animal carcasses. My chief objection to the ad is that they don’t say how much they’re willing to pay me. They should at least be able to support my prototyping facilities (~$80k of tools) and a large enough salary that I can finish the Ouija board that I’ve been dreaming of for the past year.
Incidentally, the quackery of The Maperton Trust is not new news.
An oxymoron.
Woo Central?
This is either a joke, or the ravings of a mad man. I’m inclined towards the latter. Comments at the original blog seem to infer that the Maperton trust had an income of 3 pounds, so that explains the low wages for the post. Hell, I could fake knowledge of that stuff, and do the job part time. I’d only have to buy a PhD at Patriot Bible Uni to stand a chance. I’m not sure that I’d ever see any money, though…
Sweet. It looks like Egon, Ray, and Peter are expanding. I wonder if Winston will apply…
—
Stan
@Richard Eis
You owe me a new keyboard. The old one was just ruined by nasally-propelled coffee.
Hot damn, it gets better. They have written back to me (sadly they did not get the snark) with the following gem:
“The phrase indicates that the active ingredient does not contain chemicals.”
*blink* *blink* *wtf*
I have written again as follows:
“So your active ingredient is not a molecule? Would you like to rephrase that? You cannot describe something as an ingredient at all, let alone an active ingredient, if it does not consist of some set of atoms in some sort of arrangement.”
Will keep you posted as we find out how deep the rabbit-hole goes.
I wonder how many applications they will be getting from Fairfield, Iowa?
A perfect example of an amended adage…
‘You can fool some of the people some of the time but if advertisement is couched in very pseudo-scientific gobblygook, some of the people all of the time…”
This abomination to rationality is even a registered charity…apparently…no wonder the woo central looks rather grand.
No tax and no brains = a very lucrative income.
I particularly like the web comments…this one is a gem…
“DURING THIS TIME I BECAME VERY SLEEPY, MY ARMS FELT HEAVY MY BREATHING SLOWED RIGHT DOWN, I COULDN’T KEEP MY EYES OPEN. MY MOUTH FILLED WITH SALIVA”
errm!…methinks that is called falling asleep?
What struck me most is the requirement of “a minimum of 5 years working experience”.
Or is that commonly understood to be in any field, rather than in this specific woo-filled field?
How many other opportunities would there be for someone to gain valuable work experience in exploratory map sensing and radioaesthetics?
Damn! Why didn’t I pay attention during my class on radioaesthetics back in college and quit goofing off in that ultimatonic field patterning lab. The TA said there were jobs using the equipment but I thought I knew everything there was to know about sub-molecular harmonic frequencies.
I’ll put my Etherite Mage from my Mage: The Ascencion RPG up against the previous poster’s D&D psion any day. We’ll see how he fares against my guy’s magnetohydrodynamic flux trioscillator!
Unless of course the OP’s psion is from 3rd edition. 3rd ed psions pwned, simple as that.
All this talk about Ghostbusters – I would point out, they had very measurable results. I mean, they must have produced a few tons of marshmallow goo at least.
Look, I have a PhD and a JD, and given the economy right now, 24K in pounds sterling plus British health care? Looks pretty damn’ good to me. Beats contract per-class teaching and part-time law. I’d get a copy of “Psionic Hardware for Dummies”, tweak my resume, and get on over to England in a heartbeat. Can’t go veg, though: carnivore all the way.
Going based solely on the job posting, I’m going to say it was based on ingestion of kilogram quantities of C20H25N3O
@56: I need more stereochemistry before I can get your reference… is it THC by any chance?
Nope. (6aR,9R)- N,N- diethyl- 7-methyl- 4,6,6a,7,8,9- hexahydroindolo- [4,3-fg] quinoline- 9-carboxamide
Ah. I concur with your assessment :)
ME ME ME !!
This is SOOOO me!
I, you know, like, TOTALLY, kinda, qualify!
No, seriously!
Ask me ANY question on ANY of these subjects… and if you can prove me wrong… well.. you can’t.
FINALLY a job!!
Oh WAIT .. drats!… It’s past the closing date (December 2009) already!
DAMN DAMN DAMN!
(If this would have been an American ad, I would have said it’s one of those fake ‘green card’ ads a company has to publish in order to support a green card request by one of its employees)
I have to say that the ad is kind of beautiful, as a poetic reconstruction of a scientific work ad. Everything is syntactically correct, the morphemes are properly structured, yet it points at nothing.
You could probably publish a sci-fi novel consisting of nothing but work ads like this.
The whole thing sounds like the kind of bullshit I made up at the radio station when the Sales Director complained about the quality of a recording. It was easier than telling him the girl he got to read the ad so he could get into her pants sounded like a cat in a thresher.
#24
Actually, I can give a long list of names of people who rake in the millions, while their experience is in a fake field of ‘knowledge’ ..
At least here in the U.S. MANY names suddenly come to mind!
“equivalent experience in parascientific knowledge and psionic hardware”… Wait, guys, I think I’m qualified for this! Years of playing Starcraft are finally paying off! En taro Adun!
All right, where did I put my Lens….
An entire institution founded on the legacy of an established quack and con man.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Abrams
@Stephen Wells #33
“the only ingredients I can think of are ectoplasm and ichor, which are notoriously difficult for mortals to process.”
I just _laughed_ at that.
Wonderful.
If you eat meat while interrupting molecular radiations the laws of physics will collapse and the universe will be torn asunder.
It’s psuedoscientific knowledge translated into Wooish
Knowledge gained from processes that are almost entirely, but not quite, unlike science.
Or, to steal and pervert the comedy of someone else entirely, “sciencyness”.
(pretending to reason / behave like a parascientist for a moment)
—-
“If you take the word ‘Parascientific’ and remove a few letters from it, you get the word ‘Parasitic’! My god! The Universe has just revealed unto me A Deep Fundamental Secret!
I can prove that “they” are parasites with my psychic paperweight device! It vibrates when you get close to a parascientist, which, dammit man, means something! (whizz! whirr! buzz! plethora of onomatopoeias!)
All my discoveries are deeply profound and earth-shattering! Real scientists are a bunch of incompetent loons for not believing me! Nya, nya, nya-nya-nya! Thhhhhhhhhbtbtbtbbtbbttbbtbt!!!”
(does a woo-woo dance and chant with glee)
—
(cough, cough)
Okay, I’m over it now.
@ dutchdoc #63:
That’s something of an observer bias though. You only hear about and remember the ones who are raking it in. The vast swathe of the woo-soaked masses, who nonetheless believe they have a life of experience in whatever their particular flavour of woo might be (religion, astrology, dowsing, clairvoyance, ghost-hunting etc), are not earning that much from it.
As corny as the ad sounds, it reminded me of ads in the IT field.
It’s not uncommon to see an ad require 5 to 10 years experience in software that has only existed for 2 to 3 years.
It really shows how much that HR department is worth in the long run.
Don’t believe the hype. I had some psionic hardware once, and the +2 bonus to Will saves only works on the Astral Plane resisting attacks against your silver cord. It’s alright for defense against Githyanki, I guess, but the rest of the time it’s just adding encumbrance and armor-check penalties to Dex rolls. Lame.
Getchyerself an Ioun Stone. Better investment.
Still learning,
Robert
Kilogram quantities of C20H25N3O? I think this counts as a contribution to science, namely proving that a human can survive that large a dose.
It also tends to confirm Dr. Leary’s point about set, setting, and dosage, though possibly only the point that if someone is already crazy, the drug is unlikely to help. Or maybe their guide was also crazy.
(Or maybe they’re doing their part in the War on Some Drugs by effectively cornering the market on this one.)
You know its good when their response email is @aol.com.
And vegetarian as a “minimum health requirement”? They want you unhealthy? That can’t be right…
I love how they phrase that. It’s as if they think that an ingredient is some sort of “stuff” which may or may not contain chemicals.
Sometimes I wonder if these people have ever taken a chemistry class.
I don’t know why you’re even worrying about he closing date. Anybody who knows anything about ultimatonics is going to be able to tweak up the quantum singular activity and project themselves and their job application back to December ’09.
I’m tempted to write this guy a cover letter and some preliminary data. I’ve watched enough star trek to put together some good technobabble, and I know enough about Excel to make a convincing-looking graph (takes 15 seconds). Is it worth the time?
The implication is clear, if poorly worded: their healing products contain no active ingredient.
Darn. I was hoping it was something like Radiohead or Queen’s Radio GaGa.
Pffft, those qualifications are nothing. I make dilithium crystals, melange, and neutronium in my bomb shelter.
Suck it. Oh yeah.
WANTED: COMPANY PSYCHIC
Our company currently has a vacancy for the position of corporate psychic.
The successful applicant will know what the job responsibilities are, know and have the appropriate qualifications, and will know and be present at the job interview at the correct location and time.
In order to find successful applicants, the company would not even need to run an advert in the first place, presumably.
As I’ve heard it said, “If the psychic telephone services actually worked, shouldn’t they call you?”
Still learning,
Robert
@#4 “Even if that pay is in euros it’s shitty pay for a PhD”
As a British science Ph.D., in my experience that is about right for both the UK and my experience in the USA has shown academic pay grades for post-docs to be in a similar range (taking into account exchange rates).
Never heard of the vegetarian thing though.
Well, yeah – that version was just the description that leaked into the internal corporate newsletter. The newsletter also predicted that the successful applicant would turn out to be a tall, dark mysterious man who walks with the aid of a cane, takes his coffee black, and has a size 10 shoe. But then, since we don’t have a qualified psychic right now, I’m in the “I’ll believe it when I foresee it” camp.
I notice that their “non-chemical” health products page includes the line:
“Horses – please enquire for details”
I wonder how many horses have so enquired?
For the vegetarian requirement bit, I don’t think that’s illegal. In the event that it did meet impermissible grounds of discrimination as outlined by the relevant statutes, sometimes these things can be saved by whatever local variant of “bona fide occupational qualifications” which I doubt this would be. But again it’s probably fine, akin to “must provide own shoes”, just weird. And I feel bad for the bloke who dedicated his studies for a field with such crappy pay.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Employment_discrimination_law_in_the_United_Kingdom
Yawn, insipid Franky strikes again. Never posting would have made more sense.
I have training in physcis and in law, I know all about science and making up incomprehensible gobbledegook. I’m perfect for this job, except for the vegetarian bit. I do cook my steak in olive oil though, that should count for something right?
I’m an elementary teacher. I wonder if I’d be qualified. I see some pretty weird shit day-to-day. You would not believe the stuff that comes out of these kids’ noses.
Re: No.35 Walton
Fair enough although I don’t think there are any real religious reasoning behind the vegetarian comment otherwise surely the specific religion would be mentioned.
It is also worth noting that this is about to potentially change in Britain which has even got the Pope in a sulk:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/8492597.stm
If the vacancy filler decided that vegetarianism didn’t suit his or her lifestyle the next day would that really be grounds for dismissal??
Anyway I’ll shut up now – I’m even boring myself. ;o)
#93
“It is also worth noting that this is about to potentially change in Britain which has even got the Pope in a sulk:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/8492597.stm ”
I really like the ironic pompousness in this passage….
“The Pope told the Catholic bishops of England and Wales gathered in Rome: “Your country is well-known for its firm commitment to equality of opportunity for all members of society.
“Yet, as you have rightly pointed out, the effect of some of the legislation designed to achieve this goal has been to impose unjust limitations on the freedom of religious communities to act in accordance with their beliefs.”
It seems Benny baby mewling about ‘freedom of religious communities to act in accordance with their belief’s’ in actuality is tacit admittance that their beliefs are a direct violation of equality in society.
“In some respects it actually violates the natural law upon which the equality of all human beings is grounded and by which it is guaranteed.”
Seems he is whining that if equality is allowed in society then the RCC is the loser of advantage.
In other words they cannot discriminate…hate…be intolerant…be nasty…be pompous…be vicious and the ‘bhabbi jeebus will cry!’
‘Natural law’ is obviously a euthanism for Roman Catholic supremacy above and beyond humanity.
They are losing their grip on the throat of society…they are not happy clappy clowns.
Next folks might live without their ‘guidance’
(which is a euthanism for totalitarian and despotic interference on behalf of their con/extortion racket)
Any word back? I love this claim, and really want to hear how they justify it.
I personally also love claims like “all natural,” and usually point out that snake venom, poison ivy, and bacteria are “all-natural.” How are people able to believe that “natural” means “good for you”?
Chemicals are bad! Drugs are evil! Raw food is healthier!* All-natural is all-good for you! Eat organic!**
No, I don’t think I could keep a straight face long enough to do this job…
* Actually, the food itself probably IS healthier – since the food might still be alive and possibly even content with its lot in life. I think what they want to say is that the food is somehow more healthful, ie, more full of the things that keep us healthy. On the claim of more healthful, I call BS.
**ie, plastics?
“A personal vegetarian minimum health standard is required.”
Apart from the (already discussed) dubious legality of this, witf does it all actually mean? I get that they are trying to say they want a vegetarian but the rest of it makes no sense whatsoever.
Although anyone who’s actually comprehended any of the preceding bollocks probably lives on Breatharian snacks.