Do you feel like you don’t pray enough? Are you too busy working, or playing golf, or fornicating to actually take the time out to get down on your knees and praise the invisible man in the sky? Well, there is a service for you: Information Age Prayer. For the low, low price of $3.95 a month, they will run your prayer of choice through a voice synthesizer every day, and allow the computer to speak to god for you. Is a loved one sick? For only $9.95 per month, the computer will beg god to help them 5 times a day! Throw enough money at this service, and you can just skip church altogether, not waste any time with the holy muttering, and get all the benefits of piety, every single one. Sign up today!
(Lest you think this must be a humor site, the buttons to bill your credit card actually work, and go through paypal. If it’s a joke, it’s an evil one that might actually suck some money out of the pockets of the desperately stupid.)
Deplorable!
…I wish I had thought of that…
I was wondering when the prayer wheel would be adapted to the innernetes.
There’s a big difference between praying on your knees and preying on your neighbours.
I’m putting this one in a file with the cheater loans for Muslims so I can drag it out every time it is convenient for me to show that members of the Abrahamic religions actually believe that God is extremely stupid.
That is the most cool thing I have ever heard of in my LIFE! I cannot believe they are resorting to praying through a computer, perfect. The next logical step is either no religion, or being institutionalized for life. Really, it can go either way, but not much middle ground there, I’d assume.
Reminds me of the Prayer Max 5000 (with the pre-emptive divine smiting feature). I wouldn’t be surprised if someone used that service. Have you read the christian bible? Some people will believe anything.
Uh oh. PZ, I’d be watchful of this technology. Instead of crazed emails you’ll be getting prayer-bombs.
Can we get a Auto-Blasphemer machine service?
The computer’s name wouldn’t be HAL9000 now would it?
You mean… god can’t READ!
The only thing about it that pisses me off is I didn’t think of it.
We’re one step closer to Douglas Adams’ Electric Monk.
Honey? Have you paid the prayer bill?
Please oh please let this be run by atheists.
That takes it from being staggeringly stupid to comedy genius.
And I recall the pray-o-mat from Zelazny’s “Lord Of Light”.
The buddhists (tagline: “it’s not a religion!”) were there first with their whirly-gig prayer wheel machines.
Hmm… Someone needs to make a buddhist prayer spinner thing for iPhone… Use the accellerometer.. Or maybe a version for Wii that uses the Wiimote.
God must be a great big ole wanker, to get off on seeing little hairy primates banging their heads on the ground and stuff like that.
You win one (1) internets.
Hmm, the business opportunities …
For that kind of money I can offer live prayer by devout believers in any number of countries south of here, and still take a 50% cut.
Wow… I’m so glad God doesn’t exist, I imagine this would encourage at least a few first born to die.. and maybe some locusts coming out of the phone :p
@#12
I got beat to it, oh well! I would have thought that HHGTTG would be too sinful for fundies?
The iPhone app is a good idea. You could segment out the different religions – like say have a catholic app bundle that featured rosary beads and alter-boy strip poker.
Alverant @#5
I was totally thinking of Edward Current, lol.
So if we launch a DoS attack on this service, then the people go to hell?
DoS = denial-of-salvation
I do seem to remember an old saying that references this. Something about a fool and his money. (Now, back to the NCAAs.
I knew god had some problems, didn’t know that he couldn’t tell the difference between real people and a synthetic voice.
Why didn’t I think of it first?
At least they’re ‘equal opportunity’ prayer-pros!
No intolerant narrow minded ‘one God only’ stuff here!
“We are working hard to add more religions to Information Age Prayer. Please help us by emailing suggestions@informationAgePrayer.com with the religion you would like prayers for.”
I wonder I they’ll let opposing prayers cancel each other out to save themselves some bandwidth, and God some time.
The iPhone app is a good idea. You could segment out the different religions
iBlasphemy – get it now!
New, with V2.0, support for Scientology!! We’re also having a “skin” special for the Cthulhu cult version. Warning: madness risk is assumed by user.
So…. has NO one heard of the Electric Monk??
Say it ain’t so!
Oh wait – that was fiction… Oh – I get it now…
JC
I knew god had some problems, didn’t know that he couldn’t tell the difference between real people and a synthetic voice.
Why didn’t I think of it first?
Alverant @#5
I was totally thinking of Edward Current, lol.
They should call themselves the Proxy Prayer Profit People.
Finally! This will free up so much more time for my ritual chicken-killing and World of Warcraft.
Praise Hal9000!
Nothing new about this, they’re just automating the same racket that lots of monks and nuns have run for centuries. Seems relatively cost-effective to me.
I’m sure they will make money on this.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the gullibility of religious dupes.
Those kind of people usually go broke due to their own greed, gullibility or inability to keep things in their pants.
–
And since they use a synthesized voice, it probably sounds like Steven Hawking repetitively praying in un-ac-cent-ed mo-no-tone.
Isn’t Capitalism great? This is kind of like solar energy,
take all the abundant and unfocused prayer energy and turn it into something useful….. profits. Barnum was prophetic, no?
Now, if we could ensure that all the profits went to skeptical education programs, life would be good.
(Sadly, it seems that a user can only designate 10% to the
501-3-c of their choice…)
And that would be a useful “planned obsolescence”…
Tax Religion. Educate the suckers.
Tark
Dang it – there were only 8 comments when I posted. Norm@12 beat me to it!
JC
I think they missed an opportunity here. They should have named the service praypal!
What a great idea. I, too, am ashamed I did not think of it first.
Oh wow, just WOW.
So, you don’t even need to pray yourself huh, cool.
Still not as funny as the billboards I saw about fifteen years ago. “The Virgin Mary Speaks To America”. There was a 900 number one could call to hear her message. I could not understand how she could have known about America. I also did not know that they could record voices two thousand years ago.
Brilliant, the sooner the creotarded are separated from their cash the better.They make it so easy.
I`m working on a pearly gates concession card ,first trip $100,subsequent trips $50,family members $25.Discount for pensioners ,students pay extra 200% surcharge.
Eek. about 9 or 10 years ago, when I was first messing about with web programming, I did one of these as a joke.
Didn’t charge for it, though – silly me.
#36: praypal.com was already taken!
From the Terms of Use http://www.informationageprayer.com/terms_of_use.html
Bwah hah hah hah!!!!
Things like this make me sad.
Not because someone came up with an idea that will get money out of believers pockets, but because i _know_ there will be believers who will actually think.. “omg.. this is handy and not very expensive.. and save time.. i’ll do it!”
*sigh*
I’ve gotta say that I’m enough of a social Darwinist to say that any non-mentally retarded adult who falls for this might actually deserve to get fleeced.
Damn! Why couldn’t I have invented this? I’d be making sweet cash and removing it from total dumbasses daily. It would be WIN-WIN!
Why are the stupidest inventions always such good money makers?
Now the godbots can make sure all atheists pray. I’ll be happy to let you sign me up for $100 a day for a daily prayer, $95 to me and and the rest to praypal. Try to save my imaginary soul with your money.
Nothing new here
In the jewish community when a family dies those who can afford it hire others (usually orthodox) to pray every morning for one year for the departed. Called sitting Shiva.
I think they have to pray 1 hour while sitting on a wood stool
but not really sure of the details and not interested enough to google them.
This just automates it.
Thank you PZ, over at my blog, I’m running an award for Stupidest thing of the year, started out with Dubai banning sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, then Popey’s ol’ Condoms make AIDS worse… now this website.
Shit, the contest has only been going for 2 days, and already 3 items… gee thanks.
You know what this reminds me of, those Rapture sites where, for a fee, the Chosen can send emails to their heathen friends/relatives after they ascend into heaven.
BAND NAME!
But what if it went wrong and prayed 18,923 for a blessing of Bedfidula Fish instead of Health and Prosperity. God might actually deliver, since he’s not that smart.
Just look at what happened when the Electric Monk developed a minor fault…
I wonder what God thinks of those sound files on my coworker’s Mac. You know, the ones that say “Oh God, it’s like you’re splitting me in half, but it feels so good!”
I prefer Edward Current’s Prayer Amplifier: you just pray a little and your prayer is sent stronger to God.
This makes me think of modern day indulgences with a free market twist.
Leaving aside the base silliness of theism, it’s strikes me as silly to think that God would have to actually hear the prayer. Couldn’t you just think the Lord’s Prayer at him?
From the FAQ:
Please open source the algorithm for distinguishing good from evil. I’ve many uses for that in my software.
I cannot believe this. Seriously, I cannot believe this. But I agree, it *does* look serious.
For instance, they promote the “fajr” prayer for muslims, the mandatory daily pre-dawn prayer which is missed by many muslims because obviously they sleep over. They have seriously researched this stuff.
Dustin @#4,
you could also incluide all those clever Jewish contraptions that circumvent Sabbath law. Maher had a few of those demonstrated by an inventor/salesman in ‘Religulous’. Loved it when the old man (business owner’s father?) walked by, said ‘Schmuck’ and left.
Buddhists have prayer wheels because it multiplies their efforts. This is an attempt to avoid an obligation. Some folks are in for a huge disappointment.
Totally untrue story now follows.
I used to pray day and night, for most anything I could think of, and I few that just popped in my head. One day, when I was thoroughly discouraged at the lack of response, I asked God about why I was getting no results from all that prayer.
“God,” I said, “I pray to you day and night, day after day, weekday and weekend. Yet I see nothing for it. My shoes are ragged and worn, my kitchen is bare of food and utensils to eat it with. I am bereft of companionship, for I cannot find a mate to be with. Why is this oh Lord? What must I do to win favor in your eyes?”
And The Lord spake onto be saying, “Well first of all, you could try shutting up.”
More evidence for the superiority of capitalism!
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/6mb592
Bah, there is a big error on the muslim page though.
Go see if you can spot it, hahaha.
“All Muslim prayers are voiced in English, with the computer speakers facing Mecca.”
You can’t say muslim prayer in English! Allah only understands Arabic.
Go to the page, open the FAQ. That in itself and all alone is good for a few laughs!
JC
Jay @ #1 wins the thread!
I wish I’d thought of that too. I will be setting up my own version for atheists (send me £3.95, and I’ll say no prayers at all on your behalf) and agnostics (send me £3.95 and I might say prayers on your behalf but you won’t ever be able to know if I am).
I reckon my idea wins! Much smaller overheads.
Louis
“Show God you are serious…
Get the Complete Rosery Package”
HA!!
Oh! Read the FAQ! Oh, ow! The laughing hurts.
“Are the prayers meaningless, will subscribing really make a difference?
As with all prayer, the final results are up to God as everything follows His will.”
How’s that for a disclaimer!!!
I have to stop now. Can’t breath from laughing….
On the monthly prayer, I’m good. How much does it cost per month for some help with that fornication thing?
Oh and yeah, Electric Monks FTW.
Douglas, I shall raise a glass in your honour tonight.
Louis
Proof of the existence of the Devil.
This service saves your precious time
It might be right for you–
If sitting, doing nothing
Is a bit too much to do.
It used to be that what we did
To make believe we care
Is clasp our hands together,
Doing nothing (call it “prayer”)
But if your life is hectic, and
You want more time alone
We’ll do the nothing for you,
If you’ll just pick up the phone!
When sitting on your ass is getting
Boring, dull, or hard–
It’s just three-ninety-five a month
Come on–pull out that card!
If you think it’s still too much for you
We know just how you feel–
Too lazy to pick up the phone?
We’ve got another deal!
We’re sending people door to door
So you can stay in bed–
No need to find your credit card
They’ll take your cash instead.
We know you wouldn’t call the cops
Or use some pepper spray–
Hell, if you believed in action,
You’d do more than fucking pray!
http://digitalcuttlefish.blogspot.com/2009/03/let-us-pray-no-really-let-us.html
I’m too busy preventing species from evolving new kinds, would somebody whip me up a spam filter?
Since there is no such thing as evil, how can it be an evil joke? It’s a matter of FAITH! They might not actually be bullshitting about the compu-prayer, so you get what you pay for.
A fool and his money are easily parted. It’s the law or something. I’m sorry, but anyone stupid enough to actually go through with this, deserves everything they’re getting. Natural selection baby!
Do we get to write the prayer?
You can be sure mine would begin, “Jesus Fucking Christ.”
This was totally stolen from a friend of mine, who came up with “Wishmonkey”, about 3 years ago. Of course, he offers more options : For example
Perhaps god is like The Gentlemen. It cannot be a recording of a voice, it has to be the real thing.
PZ you have people praying for you all the time so your covered. I think I will sign up for the world peace prayer.That sounds like something god will fix right a way!
At least around computers, this is a very old idea. I managed to resurrect this off the net.
Computer Program Virtually Eliminates Machine Errors
Spokesmen for a local electronic firm have announced a computer
program that through fresh application of an old technique –
virtually eliminates lost time due to malfunction of computer
components. Called OREMA (from latin “oremus”, meaning “let us
pray”), the program offers prayers at selected time intervals for
the continued integrity of memory units, tape transports, and other
elements subject to depravity.
Basically liturgical in structure, OREMA uses standard petitions and
intercessions stored on magnetic tapes in Latin, Hebrew, and
FORTRAN. It holds regular maintenance services thrice daily on an
automatic cycle, and operator intervention is required only for
mounting tapes and making responses, such as “Amen”, or “And With
Thy Spirit”, on the console typewriter.
Prayers in Hebrew and FORTRAN are offered directly to the CPU, but
Latin prayers may go to peripheral equipment for transfer to the CPU
by internal subroutines.
Although manufacturer supplied prayer reels cover all machine troubles
known today, the program will add punch card prayers to any tape, as
needed, after the final existing AMEN block. Classified prayer
reels are available for government installations.
In trials on selected machines, OREMA reduced by 98.2 percent the
average down time due to component failure. The manufacturer’s
spokesman emphasized, however, that OREMA presently defends only
against malfunction of hardware. Requestor errors and other human
blunders will continue unchecked until completion of a later
version to be called SIN-OREMA.
Reprinted from Data Link, March 1966, which reprinted from the
source, W.S. Minkler, Jr., the Pittsburgh section of the
American Nuclear Society, Jan. 1965.
FlameDuck@71 – I have said it before. I think you have the wrong quote. It is “A fool and his money are some party”
You’re welcome.
JC
Yeah, by being an atheist.
*facepalm*
This might be the perfect scam. Secularly speaking it could probably be prosecuted as such but under the umbrella of religion who knows. I’m jealous. Just when I could use the extra income someone beats me to the idea.
Of course I don’t know that I would be morally depraved enough to actually do it, since it will obviously prey/pray disproportionately on the elderly. Plus I don’t think I’d have the stomach to take the legal chance. But still you have to admire the initiative….or not.
Does anyone know if this thing is compatible with my Electric Monk. It’s a series 1200 running on Ubuntu.
This is probably the best line on the site:
All Muslim prayers are voiced in English, with the computer speakers facing Mecca.
@ Jim Ramsey:
Great stuff.
@Aaron (#22):
FTW!!!1!one!
I think I have inhaled my sandwich..
..choke…
Can someone please administer a Heimlich … ur… quickly??..
JC
This truly inspirational idea needs to be incorporated into funeral home packages post haste. And AARP could add “Keep Your Prayers Lively After You’re Dead” deals for our senior citizens. Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you have to stop paying, uh, praying.
Sounds like economic Darwinism to me. I say good on ’em.
Absolutely 100% guaranteed to be exactly as effective as any other form of prayer.
My first thought wasn’t the Electric Monk, actually, but the Soul Scroll machines from Atwood’s “The Handmaid’s Tale”. This is basically exactly those.
To Lotharloo and JackC,
Hey I’m old enough to have a green card. It says “IBM System/360 Reference Data”.
Another thought.
Do you think a modern Martin Luther would protest E-indulgences by posting a protest on the Vatican blog?
Total scam. Everyone knows God doesn’t hear prayers unless they’re blasted through the PA system at a high school football game.
Thanks, but I’m sticking with Billy Witchdoctor dot Com
Religion: provider of services that work whether the operator is honestly deluded or a strait up con artist. Seriously, how would they be any different in operation? I don’t know if its any better or worse if the honest believer just takes the money and doesn’t even actually provide their fake service, OR if the person does what they say and simply thinks it a great way to drain money from gullible people.
Thanks but I’ll stick with Billy Witchdoctor dot Com
The whole thread is LOL-worthy, but this:
= ROFLMAO
(and yeah, “coworker’s”. Riiiiight ;-)
Anyhow, is this different in principle from what churches and preachers do?
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/6mb592
Damn! I wish I had thought of that! Oh well, maybe there is room for competition in this field.
Has this voodoo curse site been recommended yet?
http://www.pinstruck.com/
There are others, this one was at the top of the Google search page.
I believe it only works on Windows. It hasn’t been ported to Linux as there is no demand for it.
Its not anymore crooked or ridiculous then rapture insurance.
http://youvebeenleftbehind.com/
I clicked on the “Other Religions” tab. As usual, they get short shrift: “We apologize but other religions are not yet supported.”
JackC – Hold on – I’ll take out a subscription for the get well prayer in your name:
I think I have inhaled my sandwich..
..choke…
Can someone please administer a Heimlich … ur… quickly??..
Just implement RFC 3514
Interesting moral question, but I strongly disagree with PZ.
There are conditions under which it’s absolutely moral to sell worthless goods and services to people who believe it to be of value, even if their beliefs are not rational (otherwise Brittney Spears would never have sold a single CD).
The truly mentally ill are off-limits, but religious people practicing doublethink successfully enough to function in daily life are 100% fair game to be defrauded. After all, THEIR belief that water from a certain spring where (the Virgin Mary, Mohammed, L. Ron Hubbard) appeared will cure their arthritis has nothing to do with YOUR belief that it is, in fact, giardia-contaminated nasty ground water. They should be happier to do business with you than another believer because you’re stupid, and you’ll sell it for less!
More here:
http://luckyatheist.blogspot.com/2009/03/why-its-okay-to-sell-junk-to-religious.html
With that, I’d like to start a central repository of business plans that take advantage of religious people’s delusions.
To think I imagined I’d be all original posting on a predominantly US website about the Electric Monk… I guess you guys know your Douglas Adams!
I wonder is it possible for one to hire oneself out as a Pray-er. You still get to take your mind off the guilt and you even get the human touch.
Jim Ramsey@90: I don’t have a card like that, but I can recite what EBCDIC stands for without looking it up. Does that count? I have to have tables to actually cross to any other method though. I am not THAT good.
And yes, I believe he would. Or has.
Alexis – Thanks!! It must have worked! I got better! woo.. I can breathe.
JC
I can’t help but think this plan was hatched when the owners heard about the Catholic church bringing back plenary indulgences. “So they’re headed towards selling salvation? We can beat them to it!”
Someone needs to make sure these people are doing what they’re paid to do! Perform a study on the
victimscustomers to make sure there is no change whatsoever in their day-to-day lives!I should add that these issues are interesting for atheists because we tend to split into either “godless liberals” (as PZ) or libertarian types like myself, and sometimes we get on each other’s nerves. But I think we’re much happier to be arguing rationally over the morality of making certain trades than we are to be arguing from authority over exactly how a collection of early iron age fairy tales from the Middle East should form the basis of our worldview. The Enlightenment ROCKS THA HIZZLE
what a great way to make some money. I wish I would have thought of it first. What’s more, who’s to know if you didn’t really follow up?
PrayerMax2000?
or maybe science instead?
If it’s a joke, it’s an evil one that might actually suck some money out of the pockets of the desperately stupid.
Given how trivial it is to set up a paypal account (especially if you already have one for whatever reason), I don’t think the fact that he can actually accept your money means it’s not a spoof. Of course if it is and he isn’t actually playing the prayers, he could probably get sued for it.
Either way, I’m with flameduck on this – if it is a spoof, it’s not evil, just stupid tax.
Holy fucking shit. My favorite prayer is in the “other religions” category – “prayer for financial help” Only $3.95 a month!
Hang on… I’ve got to reboot my eVangelist, eRebus and eRos.
Ok then. Where were we? Oh yeah:
MH @ #95:
Hey… I knew that was coming! It’s true, though I did simplify the truth. “Former coworker” would have been more accurate. ;-)
It was around 20 years ago, when I was working as a developer for a small software outfit outside Boston. We were growing, and hiring, and one day I hear some unexpected… well, moaning… and laughter coming from a nearby cube. One of the new hires, a young woman fresh out of college who’d been taken on as an AA for the sales team, had a Mac and was running through some of its more raunchy sound files. The one I quoted is the only one I remember verbatim, but there were many others in a similar vein.
It was all the more distracting because she was an absolutely gorgeous, auburn-haired goddess possessed of a quick mind, an irreverent sense of humor, and an evil twinkle in her eye that was very quick to manifest. We’re still friends, and I played in the band at her wedding a couple of years ago. But I’ve never asked her where she got those files, or where she got the nerve (or how she could have been so reckless) to fire them up in the middle of the office! Ok, it was a pretty relaxed place. Nobody cared. It was amusing.
But anyway.
The Electric Monk reminds me of an old s/f story: “The Quest for Saint Aquin” by Anthony Boucher. Anybody recall that one? (One word: ROBASS.)
That is wrong on so many levels…
Reminds me of the Mr. Show sketch where an investigative reporter goes to check out the Wishing Well & Such store in the mall:
If your wish doesn’t come true, you can always come back tomorrow and put in some more money!
Posted by: flaq | March 19, 2009 2:10 PM
Absolutely 100% guaranteed to be exactly as effective as any other form of prayer.
Comment #88 – No truer words, well except for the equally true words of just about every other post here decrying the workability of this cheap-arsed Lay-Z-Prayer machine…
=)
I think the Terms of Use might just be the best part. “While it is certain that God hears the prayers, we cannot guarantee that other supernatural beings do not overhear or otherwise obtain knowledge of them.”
“Information Age Prayer is not a golden ticket to solve your problems and it is most definitely not a selling of indulgences. “
Actually, there’s a long tradition for this sort of thing. Most of the Monasteries in Europe were founded by aristocrats who needed help saying all their “Hail Mary”s. Most of these institutions persisted through the Enlightenment until church properties were confiscated by disgruntled monarchs, French Revolutionaries or crazed Bolsheviks.
This guy will no doubt build himself his own cloister of a sort. He’ll just keep sending money to his heavenly bank account.
Actually, there’s a long tradition for this sort of thing. Most of the Monasteries in Europe were founded by aristocrats who needed help saying all their “Hail Mary”s. Most of these institutions persisted through the Enlightenment until church properties were confiscated by disgruntled monarchs, French Revolutionaries or crazed Bolsheviks.
This guy will no doubt build himself his own cloister of a sort. He’ll just keep sending money to his heavenly bank account.
Little do they know that they’re offering their supplications to Cthulhu.
As Ray Ladbury wrote, it’s not an original idea. Wealthy people used to pay priests to say prayers for the dead, to speed them through purgatory and on to heaven ASAP, without the bother of actually having to say the prayers themselves. Delegating tedious jobs left you free to carry on with more important matters.
#105 – JackC – you can’t get better yet. I got interrupted (I’m at work) and didn’t get time to put in my request! Oh well, I guess I saved a dollar three ninety five and some odd change.
I’m offering a better service, by the way. For just $1.95/month, I’ll get my server to say, “Happy Monkey!”, for everyone who signs up now.
That’s $1.95/month, for three “Happy Monkeys!” per day, per subscriber. Act now and the first month is just 97 cents.
Alexis – I think we have discovered a way to game the system! You don’t have to pay! You only have to THINK it – and, dare I say, as if by MAGIC, it is so!
Why… It is ALMOST like… praying……!
I think we may have something here.
Hang about… am I headed the right direction here??? …. and where the hell did my sandwich go?
JC
I don’t know from Ubuntu, but the Arch Linux forums have a thread about this and I think someone threw a custom kernel up on AUR.
But, just to forestall the inevitable: of course it runs NetBSD.
Oh, I forgot, you’ll need ndiswrapper and the XP drivers.
I was at a lady’s desk today and she had god paraphernalia all over her office. She had a handwritten note taped to her monitor to say one hail Mary and to ask some saint for protection three times, and that he would protect her. I almost left vomit on her desk.
But I’m sure that she considers herself a monotheist.
Oh…my…gawd!!!
That’s all I have to say.
This has to be a Poe. It’s beyond me anything on that site is serious… whenever I need a good laugh I now now where to go… for free!
Cuttlefish at #70:
ABSO-BLOODY-LUTELY brilliant!! And to think, no one noticed – perhaps Pharyngulites have become used to Cuttlefish’s amazing talents.
And what a coincidence! Just this morning I was reading about a 2.4 million USD study from 2006 – financed by the Templeton foundation – that examined the effect of prayer on recovery from illness, specifically whether (1) receiving intercessory prayer or (2) being certain of receiving intercessory prayer was associated with uncomplicated recovery after coronary artery bypass graft (CABG) surgery.
The trial was conducted with proper design – a multicenter (6 participating hospitals in OK, MA, DC, FL, TN and MN) randomized clinical trial, monitored by an independent Data Safety Monitoring Board, with full IRB approval.
They included more than 1800 cases for the trial. And the conclusion? [*Fanfare*]
Intercessory prayer itself had no effect on complication-free recovery from CABG, but certainty of receiving intercessory prayer was associated with a higher incidence of complications.
Religion *is* a business plan to take advantage of religious people’s delusions.
WOW. I am totally cracking up. This may be the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks. “All Muslim prayers are voiced in English, with the computer speakers facing Mecca.”
Computer… speakers… facing… Mecca *GUFFAW*
I would be interested in knowing if this little venture makes any money, that’s just freaking hilarious.
Don’t have time in your busy life to pray? No problem! We’ll handle that pesky triviality of talking to your god for you!
Man, man alive. I with I had thought of this. what percentage of believers would have to fall for this for it to be financially viable?
Are they verbalizing the messages using Windows text-to-speech?
” Our INACCESSIBLE_BOOT_DEVICE in heaven,
hallowed be thy UNEXPECTED_KERNEL_MODE_TRAP,
thy KMODE_EXCEPTION_NOT_HANDLED,
thy IRQL_NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL,
on earth as in heaven.
Give us today our BAD_POOL_HEADER.
Forgive us our DIVIDE_BY_ZERO_ERROR
as we forgive those who NMI_HARDWARE_FAIL against us.
Save us from the time of trial
and deliver us from KERNEL_DATA_INPAGE_ERROR.
For APPLICATION_UNEXPECTEDLY_QUIT now and for ever.
Amen. “
Am I a bad person free thinking, wow, I wish I would have thought of that?
Am I a bad person free thinking, wow, I wish I would have thought of that?
Am I a bad person free thinking, wow, I wish I would have thought of that?
It just reminds me of Douglas Adams’ electric monk, a “labour saving device, like a dishwasher or video recorder. Dishwashers washed tedios dishes for you, thus saving you the bother of washing them yourself, video recorders watched tedious television for you, thus saving you the bother of looking at you yourself; Electric Monks believed things for you, thus saving you what was becoming an increasingly onerous task, that of believing all the things the world expected you to believe” (Douglas Adams, The electric monk).
Look a few entries down for that Kent Hovind spamgram…they should by him one of these subscriptions for his birthday
The best part is on the muslim page. “All Muslim prayers are voiced in English, with the computer speakers facing Mecca.”
The best part is on the muslim page. “All Muslim prayers are voiced in English, with the computer speakers facing Mecca.”
Buy him the muslim service, two turds with one stone?
Is there a patron saint of gullibility?
So, will there be specially arranged trips out to the Wailing Wall, Mecca or to other holy sites with laptops for that extra-powerful (and expensive) prayer?
I hope that there is no cross-contamination of computers – each one being used solely for one religion – who can imagine the damage caused to Catholic prayers by Protestant prayer-woo which hasn’t dissipated after a particularly profitable session? Or the international incidents caused by speaking Jewish prayers on a Muslim computer? What if the wrong god heard the wrong prayer?
I seem to recall an old scifi story about something like this. IIRC is was printed in “Analog” as a short story. Long time ago though.
well at least they are in step with the failing economy and offer the prayer for financial help at a discounted rate. you wouldn’t want to spend too much money on a full price prayer , that wouldn’t be very smart
It just goes to prove that P.T. Barnum was correct when he described the birth rate of suckers.
Incidentally, historybuff.com says that Barnum never said it.
This looks very “POE like” and likely was created by the same people who created a fake Homeopathic website to point out the bullsh*t in that quackery.
For example, look closely at the text, such as at http://www.informationageprayer.com/catholic.html: “Show God you are Serious –
Full Rosary Prayer Each Day, $49.95/Month”. Show God you are serious by being so lazy that you can’t even say your own prayers? There are more hints that this is parody…
The Catholic Church has been doing this for centuries. You make a donation and a priest says mass for you or one of your loved ones even if they’re dead. The dead ones get so many years lopped of off their time in Purgatory.
“Information Age Prayer is not a golden ticket to solve your problems and it is most definitely not a selling of indulgences.”
Oh, yes it is. That is what they are advertising themselves as. It is exactly like the selling of indulgences.
Religion has been the biggest scam in human history.
Hmm, the home page’s source was built from material that references a site called Help Me Pray. That one is a paid prayer service without computers.
I do not think that either site is a parody. Cynical manipulation, maybe, with a few giggles, but not meant as an obvious joke. They’ll sure take your money.
Yeah I too think this site has to be poe.
Who knows maybe someone can come up with a turn key affiliate program for the online Information Age Prayer and franchise it.
In the mean time, if preying on people who are too lazy to pray for themselves sounds a bit unethical then you can become an xtian entrepreneur for a mere $300K-$350K you can get your very own C28 Franchise. http://www.c28.com/corporate/franchise.asp
Think about the potential market! I think I just saw the light Hallelujah! Praise the Lawd! Talk about leading the sheep to slaughter.
Alverant @ # 50
No kidding? I wonder which of their idiots volunteered to stay behind to hit the send button.
The best part has to be the testimonials. My guess is they believe making them up would just be dishonest.
Am I the only one that thinks of prayers delivered in an earnest Hawking voice:
..or thinks they could do better in basic:
I’m pretty sure that the God described in the Christian bible would be inclined to some pretty serious smiting the first time he heard a voice synth making prayers for some lazy-arsed supplicants with too much money.
You know, now that I think about it: I’d offer a premium service with recorded prayers by whatever famous celebrity would shill for this. Or at least celebrity impersonators, and offer a “live stream” so that people could tap in and hear their prayers.
Katjo @ # 144: … will there be specially arranged trips out to the Wailing Wall, Mecca or to other holy sites with laptops for that extra-powerful (and expensive) prayer?
Way back in the day, when fax was the hot tech, somebody had a project whereby prayers could be telefacsimiled to Jerusalem, printouts rolled into little cylinders and tucked into chinks between Solomon’s stones.
In these advanced days, it’s hard to imagine the same service is not available by iPhone widget, tweetery & other techs unknown a decade ago.
Will Dalai Lama, Inc, set up a prayerwheel webcam subscription plan for more highly evolved souls? Maybe that would work better than the 9-giganame project the CIA funded back in ’59…
I really need to come up with a scam like this. Like a “Get out of debt” prayer service for $29.95 a month.
I was wondering when the prayer wheel would be adapted to the innernetes.
As long as they aren’t using it to list the nine billion names of God…
The scheme seems to go against this Biblical imprecation:
“But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.”
Matthew 6-7
But then, aren’t all prayers vain, or in vain, and most repetitious?
fixed
/nitpick
(The Western Wall is part of the Herod’s reconstruction and expansion of the Second Temple. The First Temple was destroyed much earlier, and there is doubt that it was constructed by Solomon anyway)
I believe the clues that it’s not a parody, but come on… look at the FAQ…
A Peer to Peer connection with God?
These guys are really really for real? .___.
Slightly OT:
fantastic cartoon here:(its in German,sorry)
http://titanic-magazin.de/home.html
Translation:
“But they promised me virgins !”
“I am a virgin !”
Isn’t this just organised religion in it’s purest form?
I had earlier written “I’d like to start a central repository of business plans that take advantage of religious people’s delusions.” to which Cryptic Life responded “Religion *is* a business plan to take advantage of religious people’s delusions.” Bingo, exactly my point! If the cyberprayer guy is a POE, and he never tells people they’ve been had, then you’re right, he’s just a huckster, the same as Jerry Falwell. But if the customers get a special greeting of “ha ha, it was a goof!” then at least some of them might grow a critical thinking neuron or two for next time.
Goddammit Windy, I was just about to make a 9 billion names of god reference since the Electric Monk has already been beaten to death.
#164 clinteas,
ouch, that’s dark. To those who don’t know what to make of it, the guy in the cartoon on the right is Germany’s recent school shooter who died of gunshot wounds.
I hate explaining jokes.
Felix,
it works great as a cartoon about islamic fundamentalism,not sure where you get the german school shooter reference from.
If there is a connection I missed let me know.
clinteas,
take a look at the school shooter’s portrait – a social recluse who didn’t ever have a girlfriend, according to reports (no parties, few friends).
http://www.bz-berlin.de/multimedia/archive/00041/tim-neu_41281i.jpg
http://www.bz-berlin.de/multimedia/archive/00040/amok_40964i.jpg
Sorry for the tabloid source, but these are the first pictures googling found. The ‘virgin’ reference along with the way he’s drawn i the cartoon is clearly meant to be him.
> If it’s a joke, it’s an evil one that might
> actually suck some money out of the pockets
> of the desperately stupid.
PZ, are you saying that you think that a person kneeling by the bed and praying, spending their own presumably valuable time, or praying in church and contributing to the collection plate, will work better than this?
Aren’t you then endorsing the idea that there is an invisible man in the sky?
Personally, I view this as *exactly* as effective as prayer, and so have no objection to it at all. If this is what people want to do, that’s fine with me.
Why is this any more remarkable than anything else about religion?
All right you people, stop with the levity. Everyone knows this program will not work. Every prayer, to be accepted by god, has to be said on ones knees. Period.
Pat@157: You totally put the following into my head:
“Hi and welcome to Wait, Wait, don’t kill me! I’m your host, Rob Bell, and we’re here to play a game where the prize for the winner is Carl Castle’s voice on your automated prayer machine!”
Oh man… that is gonna be hard to get rid of.
JC
#164 clinteas,
how do you like this one?
Good one, Blindpig!
“But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do.”
One of my favorite Bible bits, placed as it is just BEFORE the most repeated prayer in Christendom.
Shouldn’t prayers come from the heart?
And doesn’t praying interfere with God’s ineffable plan?
God does not hear the prayer of a robot
I’d like to be able to make a negative payment for this service via Paypal.
Seriously, I was a button push away from grabbing http://www.pray-o-matic.com and starting my own version, but my family talked me out of it. At $3.95 per month and a 15 second Lord’s Prayer, one PC could generate over a quarter million per year if it was “praying” 24/7. The site is available if anyone is interested. Finder’s fee would be appreciated.
Dave
Of course, the BEST part of all this is – you don’t really have to do any actual “praying” at all! Like fake screensavers of old, that could be toggled on to show some fake spreadsheet should the boss walk in on your porn-browsing at work… you could just toggle on some vague prayer session should someone actually show up to check!
Marketing gold!
JC
Hm. God-bothering the old fashioned way too much work for you?
Try new Pray-o-Tron!
Try telling that to Caprica 6!
Uh-oh, my focus of research is the correlation of religious practice and reproductive success. In humans, people that pray more often tend to have higher birth rates…
What is this computer about to do???
No, people, just kidding: As @TurboCramp wrote, it’s a modern prayer wheel. In many religions (as in some buddhist communities) you may turn them so that they “speak” your prayers.
Course, this is how the whole monastic system used to work…
Reminds me of something closer to home. This website is hopping on to the Indian BPO industry bandwagon in a completely novel and laughable way! They perform yagnas for you for a fee! They used to go under another name, “puja.by-choice.com” and were covered by the BBC then. Now they call themselves “vedic.by-choice.com”.
Their target clients seem to be the completely irrational and gullible, as is evident by this brilliant line on their website:
In other words, trust us blindly! You give us some money and we do some hocus pocus, which you have no clue about and which you do not need to personally attend (and thus save us the trouble of actually doing it?) and your life will change for the better or your such-and-such problems will be solved! And do we guarantee results? Are you kidding me?!
Go figure!