1. says

    HA! I’ll have to remember that one next year. My son has agreed, in principle, to the Santa traps (I appealed to greed — “Take down the big man, we get everything in the sleigh.”). He’s not willing to risk it this year, but next year, out come the alarms and snapping jaws of steel!

    I am so messed up.

  2. marilove says

    What kind of sleeping pill? I’ve never had a sleeping pill that knocks you out! Even Ambien doesn’t knock you out — if you stay awake, you tend to just do and say stupid shit.

    Not to kill the party or anything. ;)

  3. andy says

    What you do not get to see is after Santa wakes with a gag in his mouth and someone named Zed leering at him in that special way while drumming his fingers on the head of The Gimp.

  4. says

    And no one ever thinks about the poor reindeer that are waiting for him – they’re standing up on a roof silhouetted against the night sky, just waiting for an eager beaver hunter to see them…

  5. Cliff Hendroval says

    Ye dogs and fishes, I hate that guy’s cartoons. Ugly drawings and stupid punchlines – a fifth-rate “The Far Side” rip-off.

  6. Cruithne says

    If you think that’s good. Check out this link, it really is awesome, just don’t show it to your kids.

  7. David in NY says

    Agreed, Cliff Hendroval. This is absolutely the first one I’ve ever seen that was even marginally good.

  8. David L says

    It’s official. The Catholic church says there is no Santa Claus. (If this hasn’t already been posted elsewhere.0

    His motives are jaw dropping…

    The priest said he had never intended to hurt anyone, but it was his duty to distinguish the reality of Jesus from the story of Father Christmas which was a fable ‘just like Cinderella or Snow White’.

  9. quantum cephalopod says

    What kind of sleeping pill? I’ve never had a sleeping pill that knocks you out!

    The cookies and milk were laced, not prescribed. Have you ever tried taking, say, five Ambien?


  10. MikeM says

    I just wanted to take this opportunity to wish everyone, Happy Monkey.

    And to thank the FSM for sending us Steven Chu.

    Peace on earth, everyone.

  11. Robert Bruce Thompson says

    It won’t work. Over the years, I’ve tried many methods. Poisoned milk and cookies. Reindeer bait. Reindeer nets. A ZSU-23/4 antiaircraft cannon. Even Patriot missiles.

    Somehow, Santa always knows about the traps, and that damned sleigh moves too fast to track with any weapon I’ve tried.

  12. gabeln says

    Speaking of Santa….I had Fox News on this morning in the background (know your enemy and such). The guy filling in for O’Reilly talked about how athiests are always angry (because we are so unhappy and we hate ourselves or something like that) and of course all morning they were talking all about Santa and how he’s absolutely completely real. I suppose it’s for all the cons who want to help indoctrinate their little ones. It was all just as expected… until they had a “The Science of Santa” segment where this NC engineer outlines how he is totally possible because he uses relativity clouds and nanotechnology to get his job done. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I found this link about the guy:

  13. says

    We were discussing Santa the other day, and we think that the idea of Santa is SO beneficial to children. The idea that adults lie to you and make up stories, and that for the most part, you need to be able to rationally sort truth from fiction on your own, is wonderful. I know I am grateful for the opportunity as a child to ‘debunk’ Santa.

    Also, there are quite a few medications that could knock Santa out like that, I can give you some ideas if you’re looking to trap him this year. :)

  14. dean says

    “…Even Patriot missiles.”

    There’s your problem – those things have never hit anything that wasn’t broadcasting its own course and speed – I’m sure Santa’s sleigh, in addition to having the latest jamming electronics, doesn’t broadcast its position.

  15. Robert Berger says

    Have you heard ? Santa was just involved in a scandal of a rather indiscreet nature.
    HO HO HO !!!

  16. says

    A ZSU-23/4 antiaircraft cannon.

    You may have missed the elf, but I doubt you left anything else alive in that part of the sky…

  17. Janine, Vile Bitch says

    A bit off topic but after extensive research, I have concluded that this was the opening salvo in The War On Christmas.

  18. Valis says

    What kind of sleeping pill? I’ve never had a sleeping pill that knocks you out! Even Ambien doesn’t knock you out — if you stay awake, you tend to just do and say stupid shit.

    You’ve obviously never taken Rohypnol…

    Hey brokensoldier, nice to see you again. Hope you’re doing well.

  19. David says

    In other news, my extended family are devoted to making jests with wordplay.

    We are quite the punning clan.

  20. Grinch (aka E.V.) says

    VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

    Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

    Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

    You may tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

    No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

  21. ShadowWalkyr says

    You may have a cunning plan. I have a punning clan.

    An old joke, but a good one. Also, true.

  22. Patricia, OM says

    I’m sick of the snow & ice! It’s wattle deep to my chickens now, by the end of today it will be over their heads. All the sissies in Portland are whining, HA!

    David L@13 thanks for that link, now I can hold heaping abuse on the kindly witch Befana against Fr. Dino too.

    Nice jingle Janine!

  23. Grinch (aka E.V.) says

    Well it’s in the 60’s here in Dallas (in more ways than one).
    As The Rude Pundit put it:
    Happy Hanukkah/Christmas/Kwanzaa/Ba’al’s Sodomize-Your-Neighbor Day/Whatever.

  24. Valis says

    What’s the difference between a trapeze artist and a stripper? One has a cunning stunt…
    Hey, you made me do it!

  25. Marc Abian says

    This is wonderful. Some days it seems like I’m the only one who admeyers god puns…
    I mean, I’d understand if a French speaker didn’t like english puns and felt they were only made to “appease ze morons who do not have, how you say, ze sense of humour”

    Ok, that’s puns around PZ and Meyers. Now it’s someone else’s turn to make one around the word “pharyngula”. I see that fair squid pro quo.

  26. Marc Abian says

    Correction: I see that AS a fair squid pro quo.

    Sorry about that everyone, yule probably notice my typing is sometimes hit and (christ)mis

  27. Newfie says

    What’s the difference between a trapeze artist and a stripper? One has a cunning stunt…

    not trying to one up you, but, I believe the original version goes:
    Q. What’s the difference between the Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Circus, and the Radio City Music Hall’s Rockettes?
    A. One is a cunning array of stunts…

  28. Graculus says

    What you do not get to see is after Santa wakes with a gag in his mouth and someone named Zed leering at him in that special way while drumming his fingers on the head of The Gimp.

    Nope, sorry.

    I get the Oogie Boogie Man scene from Nightmare Before Christmas

  29. Fernando Magyar says

    Sven DiMilo,

    I see both your punning clans and raise you a cunning linguist.

    Before this goes where Newfie is headed :-)

    Can you handle a clan of cunning multilingual linguists who pun in overlapping tongues?

  30. Qwerty says

    After reading the Chick tract posted the other day that claimed teaching your children about Santa is equal to lying to them, I saw a Wall Street Journal article that said teaching a belief in Santa and other “fairy tales” was good as it helped children to believe in God.

    WOW! GOD, the ultimate fairy tale!

    Maybe Dana Carvey’s “church lady” was on the mark when she said Santa had the same letters as SATAN!!

    Janine, Vile Bitch @ 27: You can tell that’s an old song as Tom Lehrer mentions the “herald tribune” which hasn’t published in NYC for years. (Yes, Virginia, the International Herald Tribune still exists.)

  31. Rey Fox says

    “just waiting for an eager beaver hunter to see them…”

    Why would a beaver hunter be interested in reindeer?

    That reminds me, I gotta renew my beaver hunter license. I hope my Federal Breast Inspector certification is still up to date.

    #32: I’d never read that “Yes, Virginia” thing before. What an utter load of handwaving obscurantist bullcrap.

  32. 'Tis Himself says

    Cruithne #11

    Thank you for that. Now I know how Father Christmases are caught and tamed.

  33. Grinch (aka E.V.) says

    Every rhetorical device used in Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause is used by every theist I have ever known as reasons for believing in God/Jesus besides the usual ontological circular arguments. Hell, even I used those idiotic fallacies when I was a theist. That “aha” moment of clarity comes when you read it and realize how painfully dishonest and manipulative it is rather than quaint or profound.
    Lying to children for Santa/Jesus/God is still wrong.

  34. Hap E. Klitlikker says

    Fernando @ 43

    …. now what was I going to say? It was just on the tip of my tongue. Oh well, back to flossing my teeth again.

  35. eddie says

    Re Graculus #41;

    Are you the only one that has still not seen pulp fiction?

    It’s worth watching to see bruce willis not do sentimental bullcrap.

  36. Graculus says

    Are you the only one that has still not seen pulp fiction?

    No, it’s just that I’m *really* fond of the Oogie Boogie Man scene.

    yes, I’m weird.

  37. DLC says

    Chloral Hydrate in his milk would put him down pretty quick.

    Obviously the sleigh, being mostly wood, is hard to track on the ZSU’s targeting radar, and it’s slow speed makes the patriot FCR interpret it as a non-threat. You’ll need to manually override the Zoo’s FCR and use the optical/IR backup.

  38. says

    This might have been noted here before where I haven’t seen it, but I thought it fitted this topic.

    It’s a merry jape associated with a procession by the clerics of the Icelandic Lutheran church, some of whom, by their smiles, enjoyed the joke. The YouTube clip is titled ‘Cult Procession Fail‘ (via, from failblog). You should probably recognize the soundtrack.