Roland S. Martin doesn’t understand the true meaning of Squidmas

Sunset approaches, so I have to go outside and do the evening chant to the Old Dark Ones and I just don’t have time to deal with this colossal wanker, Roland S. Martin. He’s a commentator on CNN (why, oh why, can’t we have better media?) It’s a crazy whine that demands a return to “traditional values”, whatever those are, and complaining a backlash against Christianity. I like that dimbulbs like Martin are feeling pressured — it’s about time stupid ideas were feeling the heat.

Anyway, the sacred rites of the Festival of Snata Kluahz summon me, so I’ll leave Greg Laden the joy of the ritual evisceration.


  1. says

    The reason for the season:

    For G-d was so pissed off at the world for disobeying his arbitrary rules, requiring him to keep everyone alive after they died and condemn them to an eternity of torture, that he decided a human sacrifice of the phsyical manifestation of himself would be the only thing to assuage his anger. So, he raped a teenage virgin, impregnating her without any physical contact but via magic sperm. He appeared to the girl’s fiancee in a vision, and told him not to be pissed off about the damaged property, and the fiancee was cool with that. Unfortunately, G-d couldn’t see far enough into the future to make reservations on the night of the sacrificial lamb’s birth, the baby was born in a manger.

    Thirty-three years later, he was executed by the Romans in order to fulfill G-d’s bloodlust and “save” us all from eternal torture.

  2. Christianjb says

    He’s half right.

    He’s arguing against rampant consumerism and instead would like us to value Christmas as a time to be with family and help those less fortunate than ourselves.

    The problem is when he equates moral values with religion. This is part of the reason why religion does so well- it has co-opted people’s ideas of morality and made people think that it is the only source of good in this world.

    It’s as if people accepted that eating vegetables and fiber were a good idea but were also convinced that only McDonalds supplied them.

  3. Rey Fox says

    I just thought of something. Childbirth is painful enough, but doing it through a vulva with the hymen intact? They really should have asked for some input from the gals on this story.

  4. Matt J says

    What an idiot. Does he not realise that X (chi) in Xmas is part of the historical symbol for Christ (The Chi Rho☧)? It’s beside the point anyway, seeing as no one is really fighting any kind of war on Christmas.

  5. says

    Traditional values, like smallpox and measles,
    Were once spread from village to village.
    Now this weasel Martin (no, martens are weasels)
    Finds “Xmas cheer” cups mostly spillage.

    I wonder if Martin indulges in wassail
    While carolers all ’round assail ya
    When god was a child, instead of a fossil,
    Song and drink were pure Saturnalia

    Does he light a yule log? Does he put up a tree?
    Does he polish his portrait of Reagan?
    Since he’s such a smart guy, I am sure he can see
    That these all (well the first two) are pagan.

    I am sure, like the Puritans long long ago
    He’ll spend Christmas day going to work;
    One Christmas tradition that all of us know
    Is the “Snide, Sanctimonious Jerk”.

  6. John C. Randolph says

    Unquestioning obedience of leaders is a highly traditional value. That’s why I tend to reject anything whose only claim to legitimacy is “tradition.”


  7. says

    Unquestioning obedience of leaders is a highly traditional value. That’s why I tend to reject anything whose only claim to legitimacy is “tradition.”

    I tend to reject it because it’s often a way to maintain women’s bodies as the property of their husbands or fathers and not actual human beings. Then again, that’s one of the more egregious examples.

    Tradition isn’t a reason, it’s a collective habit.

  8. Jason says

    It’s like pro wrestling. As soon as people realize it’s fake, they lose interest in it. The backlash is like people standing at the gates screaming “Don’t waste your money and time, it’s fake!” Of course the wrestling event holders won’t like that and lash out.

  9. Ichthyic says

    So, he raped a teenage virgin, impregnating her without any physical contact but via magic sperm.

    I thought the Warren Commission confidently concluded that there was no magic sperm?

    there was no masturbator on the grassy knoll, either.

  10. says

    Dang, I get Pharyngulated, but because the link goes directly to a GIF image, it doesn’t show up in my WordPress statistics. Am I a terrible whiner for fretting about this? Probably.

    Maybe it’s finally time to change my CSS files so I don’t have to muck with images so much.

  11. says

    Oh, also, I noticed (via Warren Ellis) that the Archbishop of Wales has violated a certain Law:

    The Archbishop of Wales, Dr Barry Morgan, has described a rise in “fundamentalism” as one of the great problems facing the world.

    He focused on what he described as “atheistic fundamentalism”.

    Dr Morgan’s Christmas message comes after the general director of the Evangelical Alliance, the Rev Joel Edwards, compared militant atheists to King Herod in their intolerance of religious faith.

    Demented fuckwits. When a father kills his daughter because she refuses to wear a Scarlet A T-shirt, then we’ll talk.

  12. Ichthyic says

    the problem was, Blair only *thought* it was a star, when in reality it was a wagon full of manure he hitched himself to.

    he just couldn’t figure why everywhere he went people said he stank.

  13. spurge says

    Blair seemed such a smart fellow.

    I wonder if he will ever explain just why he went along with it all.

  14. Ichthyic says

    hmm, I think another interesting approach would be what would have happened if he DIDN’T.

    GW doesn’t take kindly to people saying “no”.

    might have had some interesting economic consequences.

    I’m not 100% sure, but I don’t think Blair’s reactions to GW’s “foreign policy” were much in line with his philosophies or statements previous.

    could be wrong.

    I could easily imagine not-so-veiled economic threats from the current administration, though.

    If I’m right, expect a book from Blair on the subject to hit the shelves in about a year.

  15. spurge says

    You could be right about a book.

    I would be interested to read it.

    The only explanation that I have ever heard was that he figured if he joined in Bush’s plans he could somehow mitigate the damage he might do.

    I never really bought into that argument but I could be wrong.

    Not to mention the fact that he most likely underestimated Bush’s stubbornness and stupidity.

  16. says

    all i had to say to CNN:

    “I realize this is opinion. But I really think an outfit like CNN should have the resources to say “Hey, this opinion is not only factually irrelevant, but basically stupid”. ”

    There was some other stuff in the letter, but that was the gist. How many times do we have to watch the word “strawman” defined in the most broadly disseminated of our media? It’s embarrassing.

  17. Richard Harris says

    CalGeorge, you say, “Two thousand plus years of uncontested dominance.”

    The truth of that statement depends upon your being in a community that’s remained Xian since the original converts were indoctrinated. In some parts of the world, Islam has taken over from Zianity. There’ve also been internal ructions such that the original faction no longer is dominant over breakaway sects.

    But I still agree with your assertion, “The backlash is way, way overdue.”

    Over here in the UK, Nick Clegg, recently elected leader of the Liberal Party, bluntly admitted to not believing in any gods. I can now vote for a political party in the UK. I mean, previously, I couldn’t vote for people who believed in god things, or any other sort of magical nonsense.

  18. Richard Harris says

    Jebus! “Zianity”.

    I didn’t see that before posting. Should’ve been Xianity, of course, (& nothing to do with Zionism, whose adherents, in some locations, also probably got converted to Islam at the point of a sword – or whatever the expression is when the sword is a scimitar).

  19. says

    I live in Southern Germany and here the two must common greetings on the streets at this time of year are frohes Fest and frohe Feiertagen, the first translates as ‘happy party’ or ‘happy celebration’ and does not ask what one might be celebrating or the reasons for the party. The second means happy public holidays and covers all such from Christmas Eve up to Heilige Drei Könige (Twelfth Night). Everybody uses them and nobody here takes any offence at either of them. I use them indiscriminately both for my next-door neighbour, the local Lutheran Pastor (a really nice guy), and my atheist friends. I am perplexed as to why American fundamentalists get their knickers in a twist about something as harmless as a greeting.

  20. Ichthyic says

    I am perplexed as to why American fundamentalists get their knickers in a twist about something as harmless as a greeting.

    well that’s the thing, they so easily get their panties in a twist about ANYTHING, that one can only conclude it to be indicative of some underlying psychological problem.

    no more Fröhliche Weihnachten, eh?

    very progressive.

    is “Glückliches Neues Jahr still added on?

  21. Christianjb says

    CalGeorge: Whenever Bush stood next to Blair and a tree- Blair and the tree looked like geniuses.

  22. raven says

    Tony Blair converts to catholicism.

    Saw that. Seemed a bit strange. Our British history in the USA starts with the Pilgrims and ends with the War of 1812. IIRC, after the Anglican-Catholic schism, and the obligatory Reformation wars, for a while it was a hanging offense to be Catholic in England.

    But progress has been made. The Catholic Protestant wars in the UK finally fizzled out in N. Ireland a whole 7 years ago.

  23. Frank Oswalt says

    @Ichthyic (#28):

    no more Fröhliche Weihnachten, eh?

    very progressive.

    is “Glückliches Neues Jahr” still added on?

    Yes, you can add Glückliches neues Jahr to Frohes Fest, which shows that the latter actually refers to something more specific than the “holiday season”. In fact, Frohes Fest is a traditional greeting that has been around for a long time and that always referred specifically to Christmas. The good thing, I guess, is that since it doesn’t explicitly mention Christmas, it has the ability to evolve into something more encompassing now. But as far as I can tell, the same is true of Season’s Greetings in English. I lived in Britain for a while in the late seventies and early eighties, and this greeting was definitely already around (i.e., long before any “War on Christmas”).

    Incidentally, Frohes Fest has not actually replaced Fröhliche Weihnachten — the latter is still quite common, and, due to the generally relaxed religious atmosphere in Germany, nobody gives it much thought. Here, also, it might be an advantage that the label Christ is not mentioned — Weihnacht literally means “sacred night”, but it does not say to whom it is sacred or for what reason.

    So, my suggestion for ending the War on Christmas once and for all: borrow the German phrases into English! This has an added advantage: No one who speaks German could be an evil man…

  24. Justin says

    Getting back to “traditional Christian values”… slavery is ok, as long as you don’t beat your slaves (or enslave Christians); it’s ok to marry your daughter off to some family she’s possibly never met, as long as she’s at least 12 (though much older than 16 and you won’t get a good dowry); maturbation is wrong, homosexuality is wrong, er… ok, pretty much everything sexual is wrong unless it’s 1 man married to 1 woman and having sex in 1 position for a reason other than enjoyment (the reasons should preferrably be procreation or fending off lust, the only two justifications the ancient Christians generally agreed on); and so on…

    Oh wait, but “traditional” they mean 50 years ago.

  25. Graculus says

    secularism must never become so prevalent that our religious traditions are discarded.

    He says that like it’s a bad thing.

  26. spurge says

    Blair seemed such a smart fellow.

    When was that, exactly?

    Posted by: CalGeorge

    He could speak in full sentences that made sense for starters.

    He was able to answer questions during question time that were not softballs thrown by pretend reporters.

    Remember I did say seemed.

  27. Lurchgs says

    Given that there’s not a tolerable news source in the electronic media, why is anybody surprised that CNN is as stupid as any other?

    A boring old coot is Martin
    No news for him to take part in
    He got on TV
    as many did see
    when he spoke, it sounded like fartin’

  28. JJR says

    Ugh, yes, I involuntarily watched Mr. Roland S. Martin last night on Christmas Eve with his irritating “WWJRD” tripe. I had to do a double take because I assumed it was a Fox News program then saw the CNN logo and let out a quiet “aw, fuck”.

    When “Merry Christmas” was once utilized as a more universalized greeting, it rather lost its meaning in a culture with flagging religious observance, increasing scientific knowledge, and a more tolerant, secular outlook.
    This trend irked the crap out of Fundies in the 1970s and 1980s, who then kicked off their “Remember the Reason for the Season” campaign, etc. Back then they weren’t mad that nobody said “Merry Christmas” anymore, back then they were mad that people said it but might as well have said “Happy Christmahanukwanzica” because all they meant by it was a friendly greeting and showing an effort to try, at least once in the year, NOT to be a colossal wanker to everyone.
    People recognized this and dropped the pretense (and the presumtion) and started using alternatives like “Happy Holidays”, “Season’s Greetings”, etc. Bullying everyone into saying “Merry Christmas” again won’t change anything; the fundamentalist take on religion is still the minority view, most people rising only to the level of a vague “feel good theism” and not wanting to be bothered with theological hand-wringing and hair splitting. Even if the Christmas Warriors succeed, and “Merry Christmas” comes back in vogue as the defacto Decemberween-esque greeting, then what next? Go back to the “Reason for the Season” campaign??

    They are the ones perverting the generally accepted “meaning” of the Season — once, just once the whole f*cking year, try NOT to be a colossal wanker. NO, not them, they’ve gotta be colossal wankers 24/7, 365 days of the year, baby–YEAH.

    Happy New Year 2008, everybody.