The Vatican wishes me a safe and spiritual journey


I’m about to set off for the Minneapolis airport — a 3 hour drive, aaargh — and I’m informed that the Vatican has some suggestions for us drivers. There’s a set of commandments (but of course, it’s not religion if they aren’t ordering you about). First on the list: “You shall not kill.”

Yeah, I’m already thrown off by that. I usually set out with the intent to run down anyone I see walking along the road.

Others are similarly trite. Obey the traffic laws, don’t use your cars to sin, support accident victims, etc., and they suggest “periodic celebration of liturgies at major road hubs, motorway restaurants and lorry parks.”

I don’t think so.

And then…

And it suggested prayer might come in handy — performing the sign of the cross before starting off and saying the Rosary along the way. The Rosary was particularly well suited to recitation by all in the car since its “rhythm and gentle repetition does not distract the driver’s attention.”

Handy — how?

Somebody, please explain to me how religion hasn’t already collapsed under the weight of its utterly useless inanity. The Vatican can’t put together a rational policy on contraception, a far more serious problem for the world and to which their beliefs contribute, but they can send out these trivial and irritatingly idiotic suggestions for drivers?

Comments

  1. xeric says

    “8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.”

    After watching the documentary “Deliver us from Evil” last night concerning pedophilia in the church I’d have to say that one strikes me as hypocritical. In the documentary we see the church doing everything it can to avoid the victims and stonewalling investigations.

  2. Martin says

    Haven’t they got better things to do? I’d suggest a Mea Culpa for South American Indians (forced to Christianity), for abused children, African AIDS victims, parents that were made to believe their deceized children are in “Limbo”, etc. etc.?

  3. brain says

    LOL. “Don’t use your car to sin.” Does that mean I shouldn’t pawn it along the way so I can gamble at any casinos I might encounter?

  4. Timcol says

    Rather than targeting motorists, perhaps they should start in-house with ’10 Commandments for Priests’, of which #1 would be:

    1) Thou shalt not bugger thy parishoners (especially if they are under-age)

  5. Dutch Vigilante says

    I think this is a good sign. Shows off their increasingly irrelevancy. Still now irrelevant enough, though.

  6. sailor says

    If you carry your wine in an old water bottle as you drive and get stopped by the police do you think “it was miracle” would get you off?

  7. llewelly says

    … don’t use your cars to sin …

    … but what else could a back seat possibly be for?

    (actually it seems like it would be kind of uncomfortable … but of course one should keep a tent, sleeping bag, and an air mattress in the trunk, for emergencies.)

  8. Sophist, FCD says

    Somebody, please explain to me how religion hasn’t already collapsed under the weight of its utterly useless inanity.

    To a large degree it has. We just need to dig ourselves out from under the rubble.

  9. Shawn S. says

    If you’re doing the rosary then you aren’t annoying the driver with your life story, or backseat driving! I’d MUCH rather my passengers do the rosary in my car than tell me (3 seconds too late) to ‘WATCH OUT!’… the lease helpful emergency action a passenger can take.

  10. mikmik says

    And it suggested prayer might come in handy
    Why won’t God heal amputees?
    “Jesus says something similar in Matthew 21:21:

    I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. ”

    Personally, I would just pray that I am already where I am going. You get really good gas mileage doing it that way, I would imagine

    performing the sign of the cross before starting off and saying the Rosary along the way. The Rosary was particularly well suited to recitation by all in the car since its “rhythm and gentle repetition does not distract the driver’s attention.
    Well, in spite of the fact that “rhythm and gentle repetition” can induce a trance (see “INDUCING TRANCE STATES IN YOUR DATE“, oh sorry wrong link. Here we go- PERSUASION TECHNIQUES USED BY CULTS, LOL!), doesn’t the Rosary take one hand away that should be used for things like steering, signaling, and other tasks that lead to the avoidance of accidents in the first place?

  11. Jeff says

    Somebody, please explain to me how religion hasn’t already collapsed under the weight of its utterly useless inanity.

    Because there are a large number of utterly useless people for whom such a philosophy is perfectly attuned.

  12. says

    I guess road-head is right out, eh? That’s pretty much the definition of “sinning in a car”. The only way it could get worse is if you’re getting road-head while utilizing a drive-thru casino and shooting a deer.

    Stupid pope…ruining my fun.

  13. says

    Oh my! This is good news! They must have found a book of the bible, authored by god himself, that describes 20th century technology such as cars and outlines how we should conduct ourselves morally around such technology! It certainly can’t be long until we find another book describing stem cell research! This is certainly proof of god’s omniscience, existence an–

    What? There’s no new book? Then how does the pope know? Huh, he just says so? Well, what about babies not going to limbo anymore? The pope just made that up too? Again, how does he know? What? What the fuck is papal infallibility?

    *Sigh. Sorry everyone. Apparently the pope is prone to making shit like this up every so often, probably as some sort of diversion.

    If I were Latin America, I’d keep an eye on my wallet.

  14. yoshi says

    Having witnessed the reciting of the rosary by 4 nuns for several hours during my grandmothers visitation – I can state with utter authority that that inane prayer can drive you absolutely insane.

    (pun intended)

  15. Kseniya, OM says

    It’s fun to play Let’s Pretend and to start clubs with lots of weird (but cool!) rules and super-secret handshakes and junk.

    I can see how the chanting of prayers might put the passengers into some kind of trance, which would surely be handy on those long trips across the Heartland. And making the sign of the cross as one approaches an intersection might serve has a handy reminder to turn right (or is it left?) but it’s best not to try executing that move while talking on ones cellphone. That, my friends, could be grounds for excommunication. Or cellular defenestration.

    The coolest thing to do at a tool booth is to grab a handful of coins and make a hook-shot from the passenger side, over the roof of the car, into the exact-change basket. Swwiish! Ok, it’s more like shwinkle, but it’s still cool! Not very religious, though, I admit. Unless you like doing the same thing with the offering baskets in church. Errr… not that I have ever done so; nor do I suggest that anyone ever try such a disrespectful stunt.

  16. says

    Why is the Vatican sending out press releases which sound like chain e-mails which have been regurgitated by a dozen generations of office workers? What’s next — “Ten Commandments for Using the Xerox Machine”? Or, “Ten Commandments Spake by the Family Cat”?

    Thou shalt sitten und watchen das blinkenlights. Thou shalt not serve unto thy master dry cat food, but only the choicest meats.

  17. 386sx says

    Why won’t God heal amputees?

    Good question, but most of the people who believe that their god heals people believe that their god heals amputees. Nice try though!

  18. Kseniya says

    Thou shalt have no generic brand toner cartridges before Mine.

    Thou shalt not make wrongful use of the approximately seat-cushion-sized scanning window.

    Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s printouts.

    Especially when he has inadvertently printed some personal email and does not realize it.

    I mean it, now.

    That would be wrong.

  19. BillCinSD says

    I’d suggest a Mea Culpa for South American Indians (forced to Christianity)

    Didn’t pope Benny recently say this was a good thing? I found this reference to a Reuters article

    “In a speech to Latin American and Caribbean bishops at the end of a visit to Brazil, the Pope said the Church had not imposed itself on the indigenous peoples of the Americas.

    They had welcomed the arrival of European priests at the time of the conquest as they were “silently longing” for Christianity, he said.”

    so no apology needed

  20. David Marjanović says

    The Rosary was particularly well suited to recitation by all in the car since its “rhythm and gentle repetition does not distract the driver’s attention.”

    I’d like to see a study on whether this holds up in reality.

    Or maybe not. Too dangerous.

    Incidentally, limbo wasn’t “abolished”. Instead, “there are reasons for prayerful hope” that limbo doesn’t exist, and this was not spoken ex cathedra, so it’s not infallible. That’s the way the good theology professor pulls himself out of the swamp by his bootstraps: if little babies really go to heaven, that would clash with EXTRA ECCLESIA NULLA SALUS “no salvation outside the Church”. Slippery slope and all.

    Interestingly, what the Pope has done is the first step towards agnosticism. It wasn’t a logical dilemma, it was a trilemma. Mwahah.

  21. David Marjanović says

    The Rosary was particularly well suited to recitation by all in the car since its “rhythm and gentle repetition does not distract the driver’s attention.”

    I’d like to see a study on whether this holds up in reality.

    Or maybe not. Too dangerous.

    Incidentally, limbo wasn’t “abolished”. Instead, “there are reasons for prayerful hope” that limbo doesn’t exist, and this was not spoken ex cathedra, so it’s not infallible. That’s the way the good theology professor pulls himself out of the swamp by his bootstraps: if little babies really go to heaven, that would clash with EXTRA ECCLESIA NULLA SALUS “no salvation outside the Church”. Slippery slope and all.

    Interestingly, what the Pope has done is the first step towards agnosticism. It wasn’t a logical dilemma, it was a trilemma. Mwahah.

  22. CalGeorge says

    ‘Vatican’ Ten Commandments

    1. Fuck off.

    2. Shut up.

    3. Go to hell (figuratively speaking).

    4. Stop brainwashing people.

    5. Get rid of the pointy hats.

    6. Stop protecting pedophiles.

    7. Stop passing judgment on science and evolution.

    8. Go to the nearest confessional and confess to your lying scam.

    9. Shut the hell up and shove your lousy religious racket up your fat arse.

    10. Fuck off.

    Not very inspired, but it’s from the heart.

  23. joel says

    What’s that old saying?

    You can spot a Christian on the road because he has a plastic Jesus on the dashboard and a Rapture-Ready bumper sticker.

    You can spot an atheist on the road because he is driving safely and obeying all the traffic laws.

    And speaking of Rapture-Ready, I had a neighbor in an apartment complex who had a dangly hanging from his rearview that said “In the event of the Rapture, this vehicle will be driverless!” One day, I left a note on the window: “In the event this truck is ever again parked halfway into thy neighbor’s parking space, this driver will be vehicle-less!”

  24. Kyra says

    Stupid pope…ruining my fun.

    Only if you listen to him.

    (In this case, anyway, which is a nice change of pace from their various rules and morals getting in the way of other people’s lives.)

  25. Cat says

    How do you do a Rosary? Isn’t it one of those things made out of beads? So how do you say a string of beads?

    The Rosary was particularly well suited to recitation by all in the car since its “rhythm and gentle repetition does not distract the driver’s attention.”

    No, it merely lulls the driver into a true sense of boredom induced sleep (as if auto hypnosis wasn’t bad enough). Are they trying to kill people with these things?

  26. Ichthyic says

    5. Get rid of the pointy hats.

    hey now, I rather like the pointy hats.

    You did know the mitre was stolen from the priests of Dagon, right?

    ahh, memories.

    http://biblelight.net/dagon.htm

    Now Dagon is a god I could tolerate.

    …and if you’ve never seen the movie, we’ll be showing it at the endless bad sci-fi marathon.

  27. says

    So I am supposed to wear a seatbelt, but I can’t wear a condom?

    Posted by: Grumpy | June 19, 2007 09:06 PM

    You can wear a condom, you know, just not during sex.

  28. me says

    I had a Jebus loving friend who told me he would often close his eyes while driving. He believed that the longer he could close his eyes without getting in an accident reaffirmed his belief that God really was looking out for him.

    When I suggested he was out of his fucking mind he said he was offended by my lack of faith.

    When he DID crash (I don’t know if his eyes were open or not) he told everyone who would listen of the miraculous God who saved him from serious injury in a car accident.

    These folks are sad specimens.

  29. says

    A hundred years from now, they will issue Ten Commandmends of Online Behavior:

    #1 – Thou shalt not troll the atheist blogs!

  30. mcmillan says

    How do you do a Rosary? Isn’t it one of those things made out of beads? So how do you say a string of beads?

    Saying the rosary is a long series of repeating different prayers. The beads are a way of keeping track of the prayers, since it would be bad to screw up and have to start over again.

    If you want more info than what this lapsed catholic is giving you there’s wikipedia info

  31. mcmillan says

    I suppose I can comment about the original topic too with some perspective from growing up in a Catholic family. This doesn’t seem that surprising to me. The Catholic church is good at finding ways to make religious rituals out of everyday life. I’m actually more surprised something like this hasn’t been out for a while.

  32. Rey Fox says

    “When I suggested he was out of his fucking mind he said he was offended by my lack of faith.”

    Then did he crush your windpipe with The Force?

  33. MartinC says

    Two nuns were on a road trip across Europe were crossing Romania and as night fell they realized they were driving through deepest transylvania. Suddenly a dark shape descended onto the car and a blood thirsty vampire latched onto the front windscreen, clawing to get in to attack the terrified nuns. “Quick, Sister Mary” said the nun behind the driving wheel, “show him your cross”.
    Sister Mary winds down her window, leans out wagging her finger and says “Would you let go of this car, I’m very annoyed”

  34. csrster says

    Yeah, but I prefer the version where she shouts a string of obscenities at him.

  35. says

    If somebody started praying out loud while I was driving, I would find that rather insulting.

    Thanks for the faith in my driving ability, buddy! Now get out!

  36. G. Tingey says

    Aargh!

    A 3-hour drive?

    When there is a railway line (according to my map), from Minneapolis through Wilmar & Morris, going up to Fargo & Grand Forks?

    Your public transport system is screwed.
    And there are STLL people over here (GB) who are trying to close railways, and do more flying and motoring …..

  37. Silmarillion says

    In Ireland, a lot of people go around with Padre Pio stickers on their cars. When I left my car with that sticker on it in the supermarket car park one day, I expected holy protection. But no, when I came back the windows were smashed and someone had tried to steal the stereo. Oh well. On another occasion, it was burned to the ground. That is my experience with religion and cars – they don’t mix!

  38. Ginger Yellow says

    “The Rosary was particularly well suited to recitation by all in the car since its “rhythm and gentle repetition does not distract the driver’s attention.””

    You know what’s even less distracting? Not fucking praying.

  39. says

    If somebody started praying out loud while I was driving, I would find that rather insulting.

    Nun#1: You drive, I’ll pray.

    Nun#2: Why, don’t you trust my praying?

  40. Matt Penfold says

    Sadly it is a urban legend but funny all the same:

    Arkansas Woman Killed in Mistaken Rapture
    by Elroy Willis — August 2, 2001

    ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) — A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car’s sunroof during an incident best described as a “mistaken rapture” by dozens of eye-witnesses.

    Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile-up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman, who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she believed was Jesus.

    “She started screaming `He’s back! He’s back!’ and climbed out through the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car,” said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.

    “I was slowing down but she wouldn’t wait till I stopped,” Williams said. “She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky,” he went on to say.

    “This is the strangest thing I’ve seen since I’ve been on the force,” said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene.

    Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was on his way to a toga costume party, when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow-up sex dolls filled with helium, which then floated up into the sky.

    Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who’s been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration and said “Come back,” just as the Williams’ car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into heaven as they drove by him.

    “I think my wife loved Jesus more than she loved me,” the widower said when asked why his wife would do such a thing.

    When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied “This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen.”

    From: http://www.elroysemporium.com/news/rapturetalk.html

  41. Rich says

    Ah, the memories. The last time that I purchased a set of rosary beads was for a Halloween party when I was about 21 or so. I went as a priest. I spent the night getting drunk and trying to pick up my ex-girlfriend’s sister. God did not smile upon me that night. Even less so the next day when I got an angry phone call from my ex during a major hangover…

  42. NonyNony says

    I had a Jebus loving friend who told me he would often close his eyes while driving. He believed that the longer he could close his eyes without getting in an accident reaffirmed his belief that God really was looking out for him.

    Believers aren’t supposed to test God like that – it’s specifically prohibited. Even Jesus himself couldn’t get away with it. Your friend is lucky he didn’t break his neck AND he’s a heretic. Good for him.

  43. Nan says

    Why is anyone even bothering to comment on driving tips from a man who doesn’t drive himself?

  44. Pablo says

    Why does God (or, in this case, the Vatican) need to command us to not do things that are illegal? Isn’t that the meaning of “illegal,” that we aren’t supposed to do it?

    So why things like:
    “1. You shall not kill.
    2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.

    Killing is already forbidden by the other 10 Commandments, and using your car to kill is against the law.

    Similarly, using a car to inflict “mortal harm” is also illegal.

    OTOH, does this mean we can use the road to inflict non-mortal harm? For example, if I just bump into another guy to inflict damage on his car, is that allowed? And what if I am just in the parking lot? Can I inflict mortal harm in the parking lot?

    “6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.”

    But what about the old and the really old? Does this mean we can’t take take their licenses away?

  45. says

    “Why does God (or, in this case, the Vatican) need to command us to not do things that are illegal? Isn’t that the meaning of “illegal,” that we aren’t supposed to do it?”

    Good point. I’d suggest it’s so they can keep up the claim that only the religious are moral. I think they keep repeating “thou shalt not kill” so we’ll forget (or never bother to notice) that nearly every culture (I know of no exceptions) has had some kind of proscription against murder. It’s akin to an intellectual property thief running off to patent his theft so his name gets associated with the invention.

  46. stogoe says

    @44: Yeah, we know. If that rail from Fargo to Minneapolis is Amtrak, then it only runs once a day east and once a day west, at inconvenient times, and freight trains never yield right of way even though they’re legally obligated to do so. I rode out to Glacier from Minneapolis last fall, and though it was far better than driving, we had to stop several times for freight for long stretches. Plus they’ve now hidden the electrical outlets onboard, so using the laptop for movies was out.

  47. says

    Sorry, but I’m not about to take driving advice from a guy who rides around in a telephone booth in the back of a pickup truck.

  48. Skeptic8 says

    Dutch Vig (#7) &c:
    The Vatican IS relevant; it just hasn’t figured out the “To what?” yet. Some Cardinal was workin’ overtime on this latest attempt at “relevancy” and ran it up the flgpole; the PaPa didn’t actually sign it.

  49. Rey Fox says

    stogoe:

    I’ve heard that since railroad tracks are primarally intended for freight in the US, train rides on Amtrak tend to be bumpy as well, at least compared with European passenger trains. Is this true? I’d like to find out myself, but Boise is no longer on the Amtrak grid.

  50. khan says

    The rosary is about underwear:

    Blessed art thou among women
    And blessed is thy Fruit of the Loom

  51. says

    Heh. We recite the rosary every time we’re trolling for parking in downtown Portland:

    “Hail Mary, full of grace,
    Help us find a parking space.”

    (And my husband/kids’ addition:
    “If you don’t, we don’t care
    It’s just proof that you’re not there.”

  52. Mooser says

    What the hell is wrong with the Rosary? Or, for that matter, the Signs of The Cross?
    That’s the good part about religion.
    And there are no atheists on a fast, crowded free way.

  53. anon says

    #59:

    US railroad tracks are only maintained to the level necessary to keep 60km/h freights from derailing more than once a week. On most lines, passenger ride quality is akin to driving at 100km/h down a dirt road.