You can now download the interview by Karl Mogel of Ken Miller and me. You’ll want to listen to it first of all for 1) Ken Miller, 2) the music I suggested, and lastly and leastly, 3) me. Unfortunately, I wasn’t impressed with Miller’s explanation of his comments in Kansas against atheists—it would help if he could make a defense without relying on straw-man mischaracterizations of prominent atheists. The sound track is Roger Waters’ music for “The Body”, which has a nice biological theme, but also makes a sneaky dig at Intelligent Design creationism—it’s got fart sounds in it.
Now there is another problem that came up. As usual, whenever I slither out into the real world and actually meet people or talk to them, I get these comments: “You sound so mellow.” “You seem to be a nice guy.” “You’re like…a college professor.” “You sound wimpy.” It’s terrible. I need an image makeover. I’m looking for suggestions, and here are a few ideas:
- Hire James Earl Jones to dub over everything I say.
- Eyepatch. Pegleg. Hook. Parrot.
- Get tattoos, wear black leather, arrive for appointments on a Harley.
- Develop maniacal laugh, cackle horribly at inappropriate times, acquire reputation for unpredictability.
- Vomit blood occasionally.
- Get elocution lessons from Lewis Black.
Develop maniacal laugh, cackle horribly at inappropriate times, acquire reputation for unpredictability.
For bonus points, add a motorized wheelchair, a strange accent, and a black-gloved hand that occassionally acts of its own volition.
Re:possible image makeovers
I’ve got three words for you: fake nose ring
(no piercing required)
Don’t change a thing. I think it was Bart Simpson who put it best: “No one suspects the butterfly.”
You should try to get that Cthulu mask. A tentacled face would get you the fear and respect you deserve.
Bah. This is America in the 2st century. Dress sharp like an ace attorney and use words like synergy and monetize. Then, they’ll know not to mess with you.
say everything, just as you normally would.
just say it with a hand puppet.
I suggest a body double. In fact I doubt that’s your real face you shown us from time to time.
MYOB’
.
Take up smoking and throw down a shot of bourbon before any interview.
Develop a good, sinister croak.
Never smile unless you’re mocking someone. Laugh at all the wrong jokes.
Darth Vader mask. Cyberman (voice altering) mask. That squid mask someone else linked. Green face make-up with tiny spines like a cactus (courtesy Dr.Who). Vampire teeth. A few pets, eg snake in pocket or around neck. One or more of those atheism/naturalism symbols drawn (like tattoo) on forehead, wrists, etc.
I could help with the Lewis Black; I use to be able to do a perfect impersonation of him.
Bring me some pancakes!!!!!!!!!
It may be time to start a PZ Myers Facts website.
Creationists didn’t evolve. PZ created them for target practice.
For more inspiration:
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
I’m all for a PZ Facts website. Superb idea!
IDiots aren’t going extinct. PZ intelligently designed their demise.
…
I’m not laughing as much at mine as I was at Jorn’s.
say everything, just as you normally would.
just say it with a hand puppet.
…on a stick.
Get a contact lens that is a different from your natural eye color, so that each eye is a strikingly different color. Then use sunglasses and take them off at the exact right moment.
The sound track is Roger Waters’ music for “The Body”, which has a nice biological theme, but also makes a sneaky dig at Intelligent Design creationism–it’s got fart sounds in it.
Ha! I always liked “Dance of the Red Corpuscles.” Ron Geesin has several excellent solo LPs of his own that are worth checking out.
I once played it for a heavy metal fan who was at my house, tripping out on acid. He was not amused.
There is a story (I don’t know if it’s true or not) that Richard Burton used to practice his lines on a windy cliff somewhere, where the noise from the wind was quite extreme.
Ah yes, here it is:
http://www.richardburton.com/life_43.htm
A more powerful and distinct voice and those comments about you might change. (I haven’t listened to the podcast nor have I heard your voice, so maybe I’m wrong.)
I’m looking for suggestions, and here are a few ideas:
Dump the full beard and start sporting a very well-groomed and devilish van Dyke. To top it off, I’d recommend grooming the mustache into a Rollie Fingers style curly-cue.
Carry a kitten around in a lunchbox. Bonus points if you can get it mewing so frantically that the microphones pick it up.
“I bought my own lunch, thanks…”
I second the black leather. You’d look good in a black leather jacket. With your hair (and beard), you could get a really cool dye job going. You could put the “punk” in “punctuated equilibrium.” *grin*
Add a Doo-Rag. Even if people think you are bald, they will be afraid to make fun of you for it.
My suggestion is a picture.
http://www.inoculatedmind.com/?p=140
That was truly terrible Interrobang and you have no reason to be grinning.
Forget the black leather PZ, you’ll start looking like a sociology lecturer…
PVC is much more disturbing…
Maybe this is my time as a student speaking, but I find professors to be among the most ominous of persons.
I vote for the Lewis Black treatment!
Carry a clown doll and speak only to it. Make sure to mutter occasionally, “Slappy here doesn’t like you. He bites.”
Giggle darkly at things only you can see. Occasionally mention our coming Cepalopod overlords and remind people that they don’t want to be eaten last.
Get a tattoo of a squid. Make sure to show it off at every opportunity.
Also, you could end every interview with, “Thank you. Now I’m going home to my dark bedroom and wait for the voices.”
Unfortunately, the last might make you sound religious. For proper impact, grin manaically and widen your eyes so everybody knows you’re not the common variety of nut.
Good interview!
Morph
Speaking of hand puppets and creationism, I seem to remember hearing rumor of a video of Philip Kitcher (author of Abusing Science: the case against creationism) debating a creationist – I think it was Duane Gish – and using hand puppets. Apparently it was devastating in large part because Gish had been giving the same exact talk over and over again and Kitcher was able to anticipate every point (even pre-empted some of his jokes, I think). But I don’t know exactly how he used the hand puppets. Anyone know if a copy of this is floating around somewhere?
c
Don’t forget the Poor Impulse Control tattoo on your forehead.
1. Jaws-style metal teeth.
2. Have pygmy marmosets surgically grafted to your forehead. Train them to communicate everything you say through interpretive dance.
3. A sexy scar never hurts.
I also commend your choice of soundtrack. The only evidence that Roger Waters once possessed a sense of humor.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t impressed with Miller’s explanation of his comments in Kansas against atheists–it would help if he could make a defense without relying on straw-man mischaracterizations of prominent atheists.
That, and quit blaming atheist scientists for creationism. Anti-evolutionists are anti-evolution because they don’t want to come from no stinkin’ monkeys. By the way, I wonder how it is that Mr. Miller knows that science is “unsuited” to ask theological questions. Oh my! There is no greater act of faith than to say “I KNOW science is unsuited to ask theological questions!” Oh golly garsh, can anyone think of a greater act of faith than that! Oh my!
I third the tattoos: start getting sleeves of cephalopods and zebrafish. You’ll not only scare the prudish IDiots, but you’ll also attract a hipper audience of college/post-college kids.
PZ needs to get a familiar! Look what it does for Randi (you’ll have to scroll down a page or two). Of course, PZ would probably want to go with a cephalopod of some kind rather than that weird furry thing.
Addiction to heroin always makes your voice sound rougher. Go for it!
It may all be just an act. PZ confided in me after the show that he can “do the mild-mannered professor.” No one ever suspects the butterflies!
And yes I quote-mined out of context. :)
Get Sir Anthony Hopkins to play you in a movie (perhaps The Sophistry of the Lambs) and you won’t need to change that quiet, demure demeanor.
You need a “Mini PZ”. It worked for Dr. Evil.
(And in what subject did Dr. Evil hold a doctorate?)
James Earl Jones happens to be a stammerer, so he’d find your vocabulary tremendously challenging, at best.
Jim Blinn has one of the geekiest voices on the planet, which is an asset. For years he’s narrated the scientific visualization portion of the Electronic Theater at SIGGRAPH which would sound wrong with any other voice.
Your words carry plenty of weight– that you’re soft spoken in person puts your opponents off guard.
A white persian wouldn’t hurt, though.
If only we’d caught you early enough, we could have adminishered a one-eyed pinhead Morpholino (assuming your folks would have gone for it).
May I suggest “What the fuck are you looking at” scrawled across your forehead.
There’s hardly anything new about profs being, well, bookish or “lab-ish” while being aggressive with respect to ideas, and especially the proper methods for getting at the facts. I’d be surprised if Myers were some type-A personality. It is our way, we didn’t care about physical displays of aggression, we wanted to know what the world was like and we had and have the self-respect and emotions to defend sound methods and conclusions when these are challenged by “the jocks” (most of them) who didn’t care about mere knowledge (or does anyone here think that we have much of a jock representation on these forums–and no, don’t bother to inform me that “there are some”. Of course there are).
I don’t prefer to fit into that mold myself, not because I have anything against it, but because it’s rather predictable (I break the mold in other ways). It’s how we are, though, and no reason to be ashamed of it.
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/b8ykm
Bill Trevarrow is an old pal of mine—he’d probably consider that hilarious.
1 Work out 2 hrs per day until you have the body of an underwear model
2 shave
3 buy a haircut and complete wardrobe from a gay guy
4 pay an acting coach to teach you how to be charismatic
Every time you look at your opponents, imagine their faces melting off.
It’ll give your eyes a steely glint and your voice an overtone of vicious satisfaction.
Get a sidekick (preferably short) and have them operate one of the Daleks from ‘Dr. Who.’ Every now and then, whenever you release a particular good broadside, the sidekick can whir and face your adversary while mechanically shreiking, “Exterminate.’
To further the cognitive dissonance, retool the beard so that you look more like a Biblical patriarch (that Ken Ham look). At the same time, have all associates refer to you as THE Doctor (Myers).
Not only will you unnerve many people, you’ll also be paying a quiet tribute to (among others) Lalla Ward and Douglas Adams.
Peace….SH
I second the body double idea.
Samuel L jackson, as in Pulp Fiction. Bible-quoting bad-ass atheist, complete with hand cannon. And he’s not afraid to use it.
Yeah, that’s the ticket.
In the first movie, he stated he went to evil medical school.
I had a friend who did this. The key to making it work really well is to put the lens in the opposite eye every once in a while.
Duelling scars.
And, again, the truth is outsold by the lies 10 to 1, because the lies have better packaging… and people wonder why I am such a misanthrope.
Don’t change yourself to better reach the morons, it’s a losing battle.
I second the Dr Who motion- get one of the machines they use to make the Dalek/Cyberman voices and put all your answers through that. Problem solved.
Get elocution lessons from Lewis Black.
I was thinking of a slightly different variation on that theme. Remember the Lewis Black video on religion you linked to a while ago? I think it would be just grand if, in public debates with creationists, you’d roar “Fossil!” and chuck one right past their ears.
No, no, no. Most of America is in the 21st century. Only the government is in the 2nd century.
No offense, but you do sound kinda mellow. That wasn’t quite what I was expecting from an Acme Evil Atheist Crusader. :(
I wouldn’t recommend changing anything, though.
You know, you can pull off the pirate thing just with stuff like a poet shirt, cuffed boots, period coat and tricorn hat.
My Lewis Black Recipe
1. Make a statement of incredulity over the stupidity of other people.
2. Raise a finger.
3. Vigorously shake the finger and your head as your face turns red.
4. Sputter.
5. Curse.
6. Rpeat.
Lewis Black it is. You look enough like him that adding his oratorical punch would be truly …… disturbing.
Although I must recommend a pet octopus instead of a parrot. It suits you better.
The solution
Don’t chuck fossils at people – they’re too rare. The fossils, not the people.
I hate to burst your bubble, Prof Myers, but you’re facing an uphill battle there. You and I share the scourge of the “friendly face,” including the most dreaded attribute of all, chubby cheeks. It’s a long, loooonnnng way from chubby cheeks to menacing, I’m afraid. Usually the chubby-cheeked who strive for menacing wind up getting stalled at cute and quirky. Or, in your case, you could easily wind up with a nutty professor thing going.
Why not an eye patch and a hook? You’ll have to sacrifice a hand, but for a hook it would be worth it.
Don’t forget the Poor Impulse Control tattoo on your forehead.
Posted by: Johnny Vector
One more Snowcrash reference and I’ll bite someone.
And consult the Evil Overlord List for things not to do. Although I think turning into a snake could be a plus, not a minus.
Explain your research. Tell person your talking to that you’re looking for volunteer subjects. Smile. It works disturbingly often for me. (Especially given how benign my research really is. PZ could probably make it sound like he was creating human-squid hybrids in the lab…)
Stop brushing your teeth. As a matter of fact, perhaps you should dispense with personal hygiene altogether. Make sure that parrot leaves Rorsharch poo stains down the back of your shirt. Come to think of it, you should also exchange parrots frequently but never say what happened to the last parrot.
If cleanliness is next to godliness …
then filthiness is spot on goblinness.
And religiousness makes ’em spout gobbeddygookiness.
Makeover suggestions:
– Wear crossed out cross jewelry and tattoos – tell creationists they are ‘militant atheist’ signs.
– Get a ‘ghost speaker’ – use the discorporeal ‘god’ voice to deliver cretinists standard goofy questions.
– Put aggressive lice in the beard when discussing with creationists – if they complain of the menace tell them you created them, and specifically to be able to make such ‘jumps in logic’.
– Juggle plastic water balls with zebra fishes – explain that you are doing experiments on zero-g development.
– Wear a light halo with pocket button – flash it for every utterance of ‘darwinist’ and say ten Hail Myers rapidly.
I like it!
Creationism, religion or pseudoscience? PZ teaches the controversy.
There is no theory of design. Just a list of anti-evolution arguments PZ eats for breakfast.
PZ smites all enemies of his blogdom with only two weapons: evolution, and atheism.
PZ has two theories that explains it. Evo, and Devo.
Militant agnostics tells you that you don’t know. PZ knows.
…
OK, I need to practice my Norris-, eh, PZ-fu.
Makeover suggestions:
– Wear crossed out cross jewelry and tattoos – tell creationists they are ‘militant atheist’ signs.
– Get a ‘ghost speaker’ – use the discorporeal ‘god’ voice to deliver cretinists standard goofy questions.
– Put aggressive lice in the beard when discussing with creationists – if they complain of the menace tell them you created them, and specifically to be able to make such ‘jumps in logic’.
– Juggle plastic water balls with zebra fishes – explain that you are doing experiments on zero-g development.
– Wear a light halo with pocket button – flash it for every utterance of ‘darwinist’ and say ten Hail Myers rapidly.
I like it!
Creationism, religion or pseudoscience? PZ teaches the controversy.
There is no theory of design. Just a list of anti-evolution arguments PZ eats for breakfast.
PZ smites all enemies of his blogdom with only two weapons: evolution, and atheism.
PZ has two theories that explains it. Evo, and Devo.
Militant agnostics tells you that you don’t know. PZ knows.
…
OK, I need to practice my Norris-, eh, PZ-fu.
Great interview PZ! Very entertaining.
Can’t wait to read your book.
Ken Miller made a common mischaracterization of Dawkins-style atheism, saying that being absolutely sure there is no god is just as much an act of faith as believing in god. I wish someone had called him on it. (…saying, of course, that yes, you can’t be absolutely sure about god; but in the absence of evidence for such a complex phenomenon as god, we should assign it a low probability.)
Hire Samuel L. Jackson to dub your voice and get Christopher Walken to be your stylist/life guru.
Or just dress as God. That would really fuck with people’s minds.
(And in what subject did Dr. Evil hold a doctorate?)
And you have to wonder how he progressed…
Master’s Degree Malicious
Grad Student Misanthropic
Undergrad Slightly Pissed Off…
Green spiked hair and biting the head off a squid would be nice….
Study the best movie villain of all times: Bishop Vergerus in Bergman’s Fanny and Alexander. Pure evil.
In the Cthulhu vein, have surgery…
I suggest a metal Mad-Max style octopus mask and a giant oversized Gundam style hand in which to crush your enemies. That, or we can break down and give you some Dr Ock tentacles so you can form the Sinister Six.
Get tattoos, wear black leather, arrive for appointments on a Harley.
Pah. My uncle’s accountant does that. Skintight black leather top to tail is always appropriate, but what you want is a brand spankin new Ducati 1098 and a full-face helmet with mirrored faceshield. Wind it up good in the parking lot. Then do the thing with the single color contact and sunglasses…
The addendum to that – switch the eye the contact is in occasionally – made me chortle maniacially. Why, I sounded quite menacing there for a moment. Scairt the cats, anyway.
I’m probably a lot like you in many respects, yet somehow people find me intimidating. I would suggest just adding a devilish smirk to your repertoire. Combined with a relatively quiet disposition, it can cause outright panic in the masses. “Oh my god, he’s thinking that I’m a complete idiot!” Et cetera.
Wear a necklace of ears.
Do not get a Harley! Besides neatly demonstrating for everyone your ignorance of the basic principles of internal combustion and modern motorcycle design, it shows you have noconception of the value of your salary.
There are many, many excellent, incredible motorcycles available, at less than half the price of a Harley, oh, and did I mention that Harleys are painfully, excruciatingly slow, bad handling, and have very mediocre brakes. (at least they have brakes these days, which is an improvement.
Now, are you looking for a sport-bike, or a sport-tourer?
I see you, and your wife, or daughter, on a Gold Wing (with air bags(!) if you like), or Yamaha FJ 1300 (with (auto-clutch option) all available with GPS, ABS brakes, advanced fuel injection, tire pressure monitor(!)
I could go on and on- the evolution of motorcycles into today’s machines is an inspiring tale. Harley? Let’s just say they use “intelligent design”
And for Cephalapod’s sake, get a decent helmet! A good helmet, besides crash protection, improves the riding experience. The progress in the low and medium priced brackets is phenomanal!
The hand puppet idea worked very well on Red Dwarf (ie Mr Flibble)! :-D
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarantine_(Red_Dwarf_episode)
I doubt we can get any actual hex virus for PZ though. :-/
The Ducati 1098 looks to be an excellent mount (I still love my old 900ss) if you’re young and lithe. Definitely not a two-up machine, and no room for your lap-top.
Frankly, I see PZ on a BMW touring machine, either an old “air-head” (some of the best bikes ever made) or the new “oil-head” or one of the water cooled models.
You just need to work harder on your slithering style (which you mentioned). In my experience, slithering can be quite effective, especially if it is accompanied by an evil hissing voice that makes clear your lack of any element of human compassion. Actually, you could do worse than imitate that bad guy in the movie Conan the Barbarian. The ability to turn into an enormous python is always likely to win you respect and adulation.
Hey, and that bad guy who turned into a snake sounded exactly like James Earl Jones, for some reason.
. . . although some people would prefer turning into a giant ruby or perl.
(No wonder I have no friends.)
An R60/5. Totally. And a nice psychobilly haircut a la Godless Wicked Creeps. And perhaps some vocal coaching from Tom Waits.
As an atheist, I consider that everything that Miller said did was meticulous and did not bother my atheism the slightest bit. I will never be a deist but I think I agree with everything he said. Interesting what he said about both religious people and scientists having to correct themselves to avoid conflict.
As for the appreciation reprimand, what do you want, PZ? Should we thank you for keeping yourself out of the courts?
Use make-up like Darth Sidious. At appropriate opportunities say: “Wipe them out. All of them.”
Or just simply end the interview by putting on pitch-black sunglasses and saying “I’ll be back”.
Use make-up like Darth Sidious. At appropriate opportunities say: “Wipe them out. All of them.”
Or just simply end the interview by putting on pitch-black sunglasses and saying “I’ll be back”.
Obtain and wear some (marquee scrolling) programmable LED signage – to show subtitles for the hard of thinking (or simply to advertise your blog URL).
Just calmly clean your nails with your kukri while you talk.
A few unrelated suggestions:
1) Hire an assistant who looks like Roy Cohn.
2) Two words: spiked codpiece.
3) Change your name to The Lord Humungous.
4) Wear an opera cape made of live rats.
5) Instead of using names, refer to others as “little punk-ass bitch.”
6) Announce that you are starting a sensitivity workshop with Rick James and Jackson Browne.
7) Become a street mime. (Okay, that’s just my own view of what constitutes scary and evil.)
I am a beemerhead my own self, and I can see PZ on any number of BMWs, but we were talking menacingness here…although there’s always the Teutonic trope if you want to go that way I suppose. In which case make it a 1200GS. Old bikes are great, the long black elegant older beemers are wonderful and I want one for my imaginary marble-tiled entry purely as sculpture, but they are not speedy and do not have good brakes. They are for lollygagging and boulevarding, not crazed intimidation.
Yup, the role of Thulsa Doom was indeed played by James Earl Jones, who clearly should be your role model. Meanwhile, while you’re practising your slithering, etc., I agree with your opening post: get him to overdub your lines. I could make use of his services, myself; in person, I’m such a pussycat. I need help if I am to project evil, merciless power.
I have to talk on radio in the next half hour, and if only I had that kind of help.
— Thulsa Russ