Remember those silly Chuck Norris Facts? Ever wonder what Chuck Norris thinks of them (well, actually, I didn’t…so don’t feel bad if you didn’t care)? It’s sad to see that we had to find out, since all we learn is that Norris is as dumb as a brick.
Chuck Norris actually responds to the jokes—in an article on World Nut Daily, of all places. Here’s one example.
Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: “There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.”
It’s funny. It’s cute. But here’s what I really think about the theory of evolution: It’s not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live.
We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.By the way, without him, I don’t have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things and so can you.
Well. I guess that’ll teach me…I learned otherwise by reading the work of scholars and scientists, when I should have been paying more attention to men whose reputation is built on their ability to kick people in the face. Since Chuck Norris disagrees with all those “facts” that consist of hyperbolic exaggerations of his machismo, I think we need to start accumulating a new list of more accurate Chuck Norris Facts. Here, I’ll start.
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Chuck Norris’s skull is so dense, the tidal effects from his cranium kill you before his head-butt hits you.
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Chuck Norris sneers at neurologists—it takes a team of geologists to appreciate the pace of his thoughts.
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When Chuck Norris furrows his brow, he’s not thinking—he’s knuckling his third fist.
Does anyone else find it ironic that a spokesman for a religion of love is a muscleman who beats people up in movies? What next…will Rambo speak out for Jesus?
Not really ironic- it fits well with the ethos of “muscular christianity” which has been around, in one form or another, since at least the Physical Culture movement in the late 1800s. And there are a *lot* of “Christian martial arts studios” in the US.
“Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer.”
Richard Dawkins’ tears are the liquid produced by the body’s process of lacrimation to clean and lubricate the eyes.
(We need to develop some Richard Dawkins facts)
Like those “Christian” martial arts studios who claim East Asian martial arts were actually invented by Old Testament figures?
No suprise, really. The martial arts and religion have always gone well together. It’s easier to fight when you think god’s on your side.
I had a huge hole in my heart and was miserable until I met my wife, Gena, who brought me back to the Lord.
How many times have I seen this happen? Some men have no minds of their own.
“The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.”
The chief export of Richard Dawkins is Disdain.
“Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.”
Richard Dawkins has two speeds. Balk, and Be Shrill.
(maybe this isn’t going in the right direction)
Stallone is actually famous for his anti-RKBA stance. Rambo doesn’t want you to own guns.
C’mon, guys, let’s rise above the personal smears. OK, so Chuck Norris isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. Just refute his arguments. Don’t get personal. Remember, if it’s OK for you to make personal attacks on Mr. Norris, then it’s OK for them to make personal attacks on us. With all the mud flying, the actual subject at hand (it was what? er, evolution vs creationism, right?) gets lost.
You know, I can accept that people do care what a martial-artist-cum-actor has to say about science and religion, but I’m mystified as to why.
“We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.”
So that’s why we humans have driven over 1000+ species of other animals into extinction, simply because we’re special, and they weren’t?
Your machinations on Norris aren’t too bad PZ. They are inventive uses of mental imagery, to be sure.
But I kinda figured before I read Norris’s quote that this is how he’d come down on the issue, though I expected a little more deference than the immediate “evolution is false” BS.
He’s one of like, 5 Hollywood republicans. He seems to generally be reserved and quiet, and not too loving of the spotlight. The other 4 HWRs can’t get enough of it, and have donned, like so many other republicans loud mouth idiots, the notion that they are some maverick kind of person holding sway over a town they aren’t welcome in. Heston with all his gun talk, Gibson with all his family’s Jew bashing, Ron Silver with all his Iraq war love (ya I know he’s a registered D but c’mon), and so on.
Oh well, big deal. Norris has never made a movie I’d consider particularly memorable, and these days his career is more of a good-natured punchline than anything else, what with all his random appearances at punchline moments in movies like Dodgeball and so on.
My opinion on Norris is, ironically enough, that he’s perhaps the least dangerous public science denier out there.
It’s Chuck Norris, for FSM’s sake. Who cares the opinions of Chuck Norris on ANY subject?
“Like those “Christian” martial arts studios who claim East Asian martial arts were actually invented by Old Testament figures?”
Can’t say I’ve ever heard that one. Mostly they seem to just take the thin veneer of Buddhist philosophy (it almost always seems to happen with Tae Kwan Do, Karate, or Judo, as opposed to the Chinese or SE Asian martial arts) and replace it with a thin veneer of Christian philosophy. It doesn’t really make that much of a difference, since no religion seems to have a stance on the correct way to throw a punch or execute a proper hip throw.
Delta Force?!?!?
MIA!
Lone Wolf McQuade
Clearly you haven’t gotten out much. But if i had to stop watching movies because they star jackasses i’d never be able to watch Predator or Running Man again (the movies tied for the most US governors in them.)
…sorry, he made arguments?
Kyle:
“(the movies tied for the most US governors in them)”
My guess is you mean sitting US governors, then; Jesse Ventura was in The Running Man as well. As (snortguffaw) Captain Freedom.
Ha.. hilarious. Nice work :)
Short Chuck Norris fact as applied to PZ:
PZ’s opinions are so entrenched and immovable, they have collapsed upon its own weight of foolishness. Soon, Morris will be the center of the Known Universe as the resultant black hole will suck all matter into PZ’s gravitational Well of Opinion.
I have a widget on my macbook that gives me daily Vin Diesel facts, which sound an awful lot like your Chuck Norris facts. For instance:
-The universe was indeed created by the big bang. The big bang was a result of the collision between Vin Deisel and Chuck Norris.
-Vin Diesel’s right eye is in fact the sun. Every time he blinks it causes a total solar eclipse. Luckily, he only blinks 10 times per millennium.
-Walking on water is an easy feat for Vin Diesel. What he has trouble with is climbing on fog.
-If Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris ever fight, it will be known as the Apocalypse.
-Vin Diesel is one of only six people allowed to divide by zero.
-Vin Diesel understands 42.
-The only man that can look into Vin Diesel’s eyes without spontaneously combusting is Chuck Norris.
-Vin Diesel is the 23rd element on the periodic table.
-Vin Diesel doesn’t wear sunscreen. Him and the sun just have an agreement.
Jack Bauer has his own facts. My personal favorite:
“Everytime you masturbate, Jack Bauer kills a terrorist; not because you masturbated, that’s just how often he kills terrorists.”
“I have a widget on my macbook that gives me daily Vin Diesel facts, which sound an awful lot like your Chuck Norris facts.”
Vin Diesel is one of several “ultra-masculine” figures that have their own facts lists. Chuck Norris, Batman, Mr. T, and 24’s Jack Bauer are others. (“Before he goes to sleep, the Boogeyman checks his closet for Jack Bauer.”)
On the other hand, I imagine that Vin Diesel (who is an unabashed D&D-playing nerd) has a bit more of a sense of humor about them.
A little part of me just died when I read that WND article.
I don’t think I can watch Walker Texas Ranger reruns again. *sniff*
Too bad Bruce isn’t around to slap some sense into him. Like the ass whuppin’ Chuckie took in “The Way of the Dragon”
Aw, go easy on him, PZ. After all, “Lone Wolf McQuade” was one of the classic movies of the 1980s!
Heard from a friend a few days back, sorry if it’s old:
“Chuck Norris and Mr. T walk into a bar. The bar then spontaenously disintegrates. No structure in the universe is capable of containing that level of awesomeness.”
That said, I have to agree with natural cynic… Bruce was far, far superior to Chuck in every way.
Eh, those Chuck Norris lists were all stupid anyway. The Jack Bauer lists floating around the net are much better. And Jack Bauer doesn’t run around evangelizing for Jesus.
If you don’t consider Sidekicks memorable (if not for Norris, then for Joe Piscopo’s hilarious bad sensei character), then you have no taste in movies.
If you don’t consider Sidekicks memorable (if not for Norris, then for Joe Piscopo’s hilarious bad sensei character), then you have no taste in movies.
I’ve seen most of these so-called facts in their Jack Bauer form. For some reason I have a hard time seeing Kiefer Sutherland go on the right-wing media and say evolution is crap. Coming to think of it, at least in the first season, Jack Bauer comes off as a fairly realistic action hero who can’t take on more than one or two people at once, and as someone who at the end of the day votes Democratic.
J Daley:
that’sa what i said.
I have no taste in movies.
J Daily:
“My guess is you mean sitting US governors, then; Jesse Ventura was in The Running Man as well. As (snortguffaw) Captain Freedom.”
Jesse Ventura was also in Perdator: which I think was the point.
Incidentally, “Batman and Robin” s/b added to the list: they were both in that (though Ventura only had a bit part there).
Chuck Norris jokes never amused me very much (though I liked the PartiallyClips take on the phenomenon). Jack Bauer jokes work much better, my favorite being the simple remark, “No terrorist has attacked the United States since Jack Bauer appeared on television.”
Chuck Norris’s skull is so dense, the tidal effects from his cranium kill you before his head-butt hits you.
A bit too much on the esoteric side for me. Too hot to handle if one is not familiar with all the fancy scientific allusions in there.
Chuck Norris sneers at neurologists–it takes a team of geologists to appreciate the pace of his thoughts.
Very well done, but is lyrically a tiny bit on the cold side, I’m sorry to say.
When Chuck Norris furrows his brow, he’s not thinking–he’s knuckling his third fist.
Why, that one’s just perfect. Five stars!
I don’t have any taste in movies either.
I lost all respect for the man about 20 years ago. He was doing an appearance at Hines VAH and one of the staff, a female Vietnam era veteran, asked for an autograph. He told her that he was there for the veterans and when she told him that she was he just kind of snubbed her. Yeah, getting an autograph from him is worth lying about because he’s just *such* an interesting person… Besides, women can’t be veterans can they?
Well, it’s gone from bad to worse, Rambo actually does speak out for Jesus. Colonel Bo Gritz, who Rambo is based on, is a devout Christian and even has his own local radio show. http://www.bogritz.com/few.htm
I just hope Jesus can stay away from Jack Bauer
Who’s Chuck Norris? :-)
I don’t think I can watch Walker Texas Ranger reruns again. *sniff*
again? How on earth were you able to watch them the first time?
As if they weren’t bad enough the first time, without knowing that Chuck is a god-bothering tub-thumper?
Good call Chuck C. I haven’t seen most the Batman movies so i missed that one. This is why i want someone to elect Carl Weathers governor. This will make Predator the undisputed champion of governor movies.
On another note has anyone seen the Bruce Schneier facts? Nothing could be dorkeir.
The one about Vin Diesel being one of only 6 people allowed to divide by zero struck me as particularly funny.
with all these lists, there must be lists for the “gubernator”, yes?
If Jack Bauer started to shill for the American Right Wing his Pinko Communist :-) grandfather, who introduced socialized medicine to North America, would roll over in his grave.
Cheers
Ian
For some reason I have a hard time seeing Kiefer Sutherland go on the right-wing media and say evolution is crap.
Tommy Douglas’ grandson? Of course not!
What next…will Rambo speak out for Jesus?
You tell me:
“Rambo IV: In The Serpent’s Eye.”
According to Production Weekly, the latest movie finds Rambo being recruited by a group of Christian human rights missionaries to protect them against pirates while delivering humanitarian aid to the persecuted Karen people of Burma.
“OK, so Chuck Norris isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. Just refute his arguments.”
Fair enough. I was struck by his claim that, “There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me.” First, on its face, such a statement is unsupportable. But I also dispute the idea that a Creator is responsible for the individual formation of each human. Surely even anti-evolutionists still accept that innate physical & behavioral traits are the expression of genes. Hereditary traits depend on the mating of particular parents, and such matings are contingent on the whims of humans, who supposedly have free will.
In other words, if God made me, Grumpy, then God steered my ma & pa together. In my case, ma & pa would never have met if not for World War II, so to say God had a hand in my creation means that Hitler was doing God’s will.
Not that I would say that to Chuck Norris’s face.
Some of the Chuck Norris philosophy facts on this website are quite funny:
The World is the Totality of Chuck Norris Facts
1. Chuck Norris knows what it is like to be a bat
2. Chuck Norris grabs logic by the throat
3. Chuck Norris knows everything except fear
4. Chuck Norris is independent of ZFC
5. Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kicks refute the skeptic thus
6. Chuck Norris’ Godel number is 1
7. Chuck Norris secretly reads Brian Leiter
8. Chuck Norris can make zombies feel pain
9. Chuck Norris convinced the Tortoise of ‘q’
10. God cannot create a stone so heavy that Chuck Norris cannot lift it
At: http://aidanmcglynn.blogspot.com/2006/05/world-is-totality-of-chuck-norris.html
C’mon, Norris was the least charismatic of the 80s action stars. Best unarmed fighter? Probably (though Steven Seagal gives him a run for his money). But “The Octagon” was utter crap, the MIA trilogy was revisionist history BS, the “Delta Force” movies were unvarnished Reagan/Bush I propaganda. Arnie, Seagal, Stallone, heck even Charles Bronson all had more personality than the bland Mr. Norris. Those guys never let you forget who the star was. Norris kept getting upstaged by the villain.
oh yeah?
Well, Vin Deisel once punched a man so hard that the man ended up back in time by 3 days. Vin Diesel then punched himself back in time 3 days and continued the beating where he left off.
Also, Vin Diesel can find 1,000 words that rhyme with “orange.”
I always thought the Norris stuff was hilarious. Great job BTW making those up PZ. They’ve added to my daily search for a hearty laugh.
Brokeback Mountain: it’s what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas on his front lawn.
“We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.”
I always love this one. And people can’t see the conceit in it.
If ants were smart enough to be stupid enough to invent a god, it would look like a giant ant.
So… since chimps look a lot like people, does that mean chimps look a lot like god? And does that mean god kinda looks like a chimp?
I dont see why every athiest on the planet has to take offence when someone believes in something that isnt neccesarily provable, when a majority of scientific theories are just that, theories. Both the idea of there being a god and evolution are both theories, and regardless of how stupid or dense that may seem, it is the truth. So maybe next time instead of taking offence when somebody believes in something for their own reasons, try to maybe be more open about it, rather than just assuming that they are a subhuman ignoramus.
Or we could just wait a little and let the subhuman ignorami demonstrate their own inferiority.
and regardless of how stupid or dense that may seem,
yup.
it is the truth.
nope.
Look up the word “theory” and pay particular attention to the definition in the context of the process of scientific investigation. It doesn’t mean what you hope it does.
Chuck’s comments are really priceless (and so stupid that they’re funny). Besides, our intern, Ultraman, could so beat the crap out of him anyway.
PPttttppt!
LMFAO! Spit check!
“Also, Vin Diesel can find 1,000 words that rhyme with orange.”
That was supposed to precede my last comment.
Guess I need to brush up on what all of these special keystrokes do.
Or maybe just use preview.
Some men will do anything for nookie.
Being fair as I possibly can, Sidekicks was an /awesome/ movie. Jonathon Brandis being conveniently moved off-shot for EVERY sequence he had to do any thing complex? The drifting fantasy shots?
Speaking as a young man who routinely fantasised about my favourite fictional hero saving my ass and taking me away from my cruddy life, that was a total champ of a movie. Speaking as an adult who’s now paid to string words together, it was a colossal embarassment. Funny that.
As for Chuck himself, he’s pretty inoffensive and has a good sense of humour about himself. He engages in a healthy bit of self-mockery, he’s not spending his time running for office or anything silly… generally, while he’s a Christian and a Republican, scandalously, there are a lot of people who are as well, and they don’t necessarily deserve to be treated like idiots for it.
One claim that’s often made about the liberal groups is that they’re (we’re?) considered pretentious and sanctimonious, and regard people with different opinions as just being plain stupid somehow. While I don’t think Chuck’s right, and I think he looks like a class action tool for speaking along those lines, I do think there are more constructive – and humorous – avenues for response than denigrating Chuck Norris for his faith.
The Dawkins facts seem like a great start, but I’m afraid I don’t know enough about actual science to really make any. Perhaps those ‘fantastic facts’ about the normal human body, phrased as if they’re specific to him?
“Delta Force?!?!?
MIA!
Lone Wolf McQuade”
Like I said, he’s never made anything remotely memorable.
“I dont see why every athiest on the planet has to take offence when someone believes in something that isnt neccesarily provable…”
Who’s taking offense? We’re not saying “How DARE Chuck Norris be an idiot!?”
We’re just saying “Wow – Chuck Norris is an idiot!”
I looked up Sidekicks at IMDB. 3.7 out of 10 stars.
That would be because it is, like I said, garbage. Great garbage though.
Good news PZ & everybody! My brother and I have some RICHARD DAWKINS FACTS for you! I also posted this to his official forum:
* Richard Dawkins blinded you with science.
* Richard Dawkins is Darwin’s rottweiler, which makes God his bitch.
* Every night, Richard Dawkins births Internet superstars between his mighty loins. Tay “Chocolate Rain” Zonday and Star Wars Kid are but two of his legion. And that dramatic chipmunk? Evolution at work.
* Mulder wants to believe the truth is out there. Dawkins has been here all along.
* There’s no “I” in “team”, but there’s two “me”‘s in “Richard Dawkins”.
* “Intelligent design” is another name for Richard Dawkins’ toilet.
* “Creationism” is another name for Richard Dawkins’ toilet paper.
* There’s no such thing as sin. Just excuses for not listening to Richard Dawkins.
* There’s no such thing as God, just people who don’t believe in Richard Dawkins.
* What’s another name for “atheism”? The Official Richard Dawkins Fan Club.
* After Richard Dawkins ate pasta, he shat out the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
* Richard Dawkins can destroy religions with a poke of his middle finger. Sadly, he has manners.
* Richard Dawkins knows where you live. And how you’ll die. And that there’s no afterlife, so don’t you cry.
* “Invisible Pink Unicorn” refers to Richard Dawkins’ genitalia. You’ll never see him coming.
* Jesus never brought the pork chops, because Richard Dawkins ate them. Then ate Jesus.
* Richard Dawkins has an intense stare because he needs to focus on holding the fabric of reality together.
* There’s no such thing as karma. There is only Richard Dawkins.
* As a casual hobby, Richard Dawkins head-butts astrologers into outer space.
* Richard Dawkins knows what the bleep do we know.
* God works in mysterious ways. Richard Dawkins isn’t that lazy.
* Richard Dawkins’ sweat is liquid truth. And drinking it induces the urge to procreate.
* You clasp your hands to pray because it’s an instinctive reaction to Richard Dawkins crashing through the wall and ripping your arms off.
* The mountain only came to Muhammed because Richard Dawkins threw it at him.
* Richard Dawkins is one to disagree: he’s traveled the world and the seven seas.
* Unlike puny religions, Richard Dawkins doesn’t need a petty symbol to mark his awesomeness. A trail of crushed and twitching ex-believers is all he needs.
* Richard Dawkins doesn’t need Chicken Soup for the Soul, he feasts on the Lamb of God instead.
* Richard Dawkins knows without fail that evolution occurred. Richard Dawkins also knows without fail at least 200 ways to utterly destroy any fundamentalist on the planet with his prehensile tongue.
* Richard Dawkins likes to drink tea. Tea that’s made out of the tears of people he’s thoroughly crushed and grounded in arguments.
* Richard Dawkins’ enemies like to edit videos of his interviews to make him look bad. Richard Dawkins prefers to to edit his enemy’s faces to achieve a similar effect.
* God actually does exist — just not in any universe where Richard Dawkins was around to thoroughly kick his ass.
* Satan tried to attack Richard Dawkins once, but after Dawkins flawlessly explained how Satan can’t possibly exist, Satan committed suicide to keep things consistent.
* Unlike others, Richard Dawkins is so awesome that he can see Russell’s Teapot, and he alone knows that it’s really more of a kettle.
* Richard Dawkins doesn’t need to pray to any god. The gods need to pray to Richard Dawkins.
* Some of us believe in fewer gods than others. Richard Dawkins believes in himself.