Letter to Legislators (as Proposed by Edwin) on “Student Expression of Religious Viewpoints” Bill

Dear (insert title and name),

I cannot tell you how delighted we were to learn of the STUDENT EXPRESSION OF RELIGIOUS VIEWPOINTS bill now under consideration by the __________ (fill in the state) legislature. Let me tell you why.

For some years now there has existed in the State of _________ a “by invitation only” highly secret society composed of students in the public schools who are within the top 1% of the student population as measured by intelligence and school achievement. We are fully aware that none of our members are in the ________ legislature. This is as expected. As would also be expected, persons of the required intelligence and achievement level necessary for membership in our society (which must remain unnamed) universally reject the primitive mythology of the Christian religion.

The proposed bill will permit these splendid and brilliant young people, in the words of the new law, to “express their beliefs about religion in homework, artwork, and other written and oral assignments free from discrimination based on the religious content of their submissions.” Further, this remarkable piece of legislation will protect the expression of “the student’s perspective on purpose, achievement, life, school, graduation, and looking forward to the future.”

Thank you from all of us. We support and praise this legislation that we had doubted would ever even be proposed, much less passed. Already, some of our members and alumni are preparing discussion topics and graduation speeches in reliance upon this outstanding law. Overwhelmingly, you can expect to hear from our members as they speak and produce art from positions of leadership and achievement within their respective schools. Here are just a few of their topics:

“Masturbation Techniques for Boys Not Dating Catholic girls.”
“The Flying Spaghetti Monster–The Twin Meatballs of his Pastafarian Noodleness.”
“Clitoral Resection as a Means to Female Holiness.”
“Burkas for Men–A Plea for Gender Equality.”
“Homoeroticism and Gratification thru Sexual Pain in the Cinematography of Mel Gibson.”
“Free Love and Eroticism in Primates as a Model for Teenage Sexuality.”
“Religious Crime as a Viable Career Option.”
“In Praise of Pedophilia within a Celibate Priesthood.”
“Cannibalism and Child Sacrifice as Foundational Sacraments of Christian Perversions.”

These few samples represent only a few of the less controversial topics we can look forward to in our schools once your protective legislation has been passed into law.

Now, if you would only reconsider the age of consent. Just joking.

Thank you.


Edwin Kagin © 2012


  1. Snowshoe the Canuck says

    Fantastic! If our version of the teabag party wins today’s election I’m gonna have to tweak that for Alberta. Some of the Wildrose Party think Santorum was too mainstream.

    • says

      Very early reports show a slim lead for the Progressive Conservative party.

      One fellow is saying he liked the Wildrose platform and wanted to give the PCs a slap for their corruption (they’ve been in for years) until the Wildrose’s more regressive points of view started to get some publicity, e.g. Conscience rights to let healthcare providers refuse health care to women, etc.

  2. says

    “Bull-sacrifice and prayers for Poseidon.”

    “Poseidon, Neptune, and Dagon–one and the same?”

    “Combining Samhain sacrifices with your Halloween party–to costume or not to costume?”

    “Adapting a Mayday fertility rite to school fields.”

    “Imbolc for beginners.”

    “Casting a sacred circle before the big game.”

    “Avoiding responsibility for child rape–the Ratzinger Plan for the Roman Catholic Church.”

  3. saguhh00 says

    If I were a student, I would write that the sun goes around the earth as is clearly demonstrated in Psalm 93;1, 1 Chronicles 16;30, Ecclesiastes 1;5 and Joshua 10; 12-14

  4. kraut says

    Why not just simply argue as the OT conflicts with present day science regarding the solar system and structure of the universe, I demand to be tested not on astronomy and biology but on Genesis 1. to 1.31.

  5. rapiddominance says

    As would also be expected, persons of the required intelligence and achievement level necessary for membership in our society (which must remain unnamed) universally reject the primitive mythology of the Christian religion.

    So, basically, we have this seventy-something year old guy sending a message to minors that they are dumb if they entertain religious beliefs?

    Perhaps you’re hoping that high school atheists will utilize this ‘idea’ in the form of peer-pressure tactics?

    Personally, I think you’re just trying to be funny. To be honest, I think this IS kind of funny. But its also a little irresponsible, considering that you’re trying to build a better world and a better citizenry.

    But I’ve said irresponsible things before myself, so don’t think I’m “judging you”!

    All I want is for you to judge yourself.


    • Yoritomo says

      Somehow I doubt the high school atheists will be able to employ peer pressure tactics. Those usually require being a majority, and I expect there won’t be many Canadian schools with atheist majorities.

      Of course, peer pressure and bullying is indeed what the proposed law is all about.

      • rapiddominance says

        I see your logic behind the peer pressure/minority statement.

        However, remember that this atheist minority does tend to supercede the general population in certain cognitive abilities. (I’m a theist and I know that just from living.)

        Also keep in mind that this relatively intelligent and capable minority will always be in contact with stragglers who don’t really fit in with the mainstream.

        Let me ask you something and there is no wrong answer. Its a question that has more to do with feeling and perception. I like to talk about the way things ‘seem’ once in a while, especially when I realize that I don’t have the whole answer myself.

        Have you ever noticed a certain type of outspoken atheist who seems to have very little concern for humanity at any level? One who SEEMS to find all the fulfillment he/she needs through argumentive combat? They’re more like swashbucklers than anything else. The amazing atheist, for example, had nothing else other than the amazing ability to garner up negative attention.

        I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT NEW ATHEIST categorically (nor am I suggesting that theists are without similar counterparts)!!! I’m talking about a segment of supposed ideologues who can make it very difficult for outsiders to see the true humanitarian sentiments that exists among your numbers.

  6. Mr.Kosta says

    “Homoeroticism and Gratification thru Sexual Pain in the Cinematography of Mel Gibson.”

    This actually made me laugh xD

  7. thomasware says

    What a great idea! I think I’ll put it up over at my place (oh, wait, I did). I’d send it in to our local rags but even the “hippie” rag (a reich-wing pile of steaming dog shit) won’t publish me.

Leave a Reply