The data are in, and they show there are planets
Which orbits, it seems, have not captured—
But science is boring, so bury that story,
There’s people who hope to be raptured!

The Milky Way Galaxy’s filled with these wanderers
Lost, unattached, and alone
But let’s go with the cultists who think they’ve discovered
A code that the bible has shown!

Gravitational lensing shows planet-sized masses
Adrift in the vastness of space
But freak-shows sell papers, and Jesus is coming!
Who cares if it’s really the case?

There’s trivial crap, and there’s serious matters,
There’s bullshit, and then, there is news
Thank goodness the media know what they’re doing…
Cos lord knows, the public can’t choose

So, yeah. A trivial percentage of christians think the world is going to end this Saturday; thank goodness every media source on the planet has seen fit to cover this important story. I’d link to a half dozen or so, but the truth is I am sick to death of it.

In the real world, they’ve discovered planets that are not attached to their own solar systems. “Rogue planets”, or some other word (since planets are, technically, partially defined by their orbiting around a star), have been found–as predicted–by looking for the effects of microgravitational lensing. Actually, quite a few have been found, and by extrapolation there may be more of them than attached stars!

Damn!

The real world universe is so much cooler than bronze-age mythological fairy stories.

But let’s not let that get in the way of a headline.

Happy birthday, to someone who’s dropped off the map
Though the odds that you’ll see it are long
I’d have bet, years ago, that we’d always be close
But of course, I’d have bet and been wrong
So wherever you are, and whatever you’re doing
I wish Happy Birthday, my friend;
Cherish the days that you have with each other…
It’s always too soon when they end.

Happy Birthday, to the person responsible for my moniker.

I am a student of human behavior
The funny, the sad, the annoying, and worse;
When faced with “those people”, this view is my savior–
I take it all in, and I write it in verse

The clipping of toenails, the cracking of knuckles,
The scratch of a knife or a fork on a plate
While some pull their hair out, for me it’s just chuckles
I find things amusing that others may hate

The grocery-store fast lane, with one extra item
The dog that’s been barking from midnight to three
Examples come quicker than one man can write ’em
They bother some folks, but they don’t bother me!

The internet comments I’ve often predicted:
“This story was simply a waste of my time!”
So, too, was the comment they rudely inflicted
On us, which I notice and add to my rhyme

NPR has a piece up on a new book by a couple of NPR-affiliated authors–Annoying: The science of what bugs us. As is completely predictable, the comments there are great fun.

I was giving final exams, and thus trapped like a rat in a cage for about 4 hours this morning; the above verses are the product. It’s not (as yet, anyway) a complete work, but I have grading to do, so I will leave it to my readers to vent their annoyances or celebrate their lack thereof.

Back to work. How annoying!

Update–he has been identified, and his mother is in custody. Damn.

Maine police have found the body of a young boy. Found Saturday afternoon, and not yet identified.

Boston Globe story. Seacoast Online story. Fosters story.
They are asking for help. On the off chance you hadn’t heard yet, and can spread the word, please do.

I used to run a daycare, and this story just hurts. I can’t help but see *my* kids there. Someone must be missing their little boy by now.

Tom Waits, to rip your heart right out of your chest:

Ok, so I was a little disappointed in Eurovision. I am a Eurovision addict, much to my shame, but this year there was no song/act that just blew me away. My highest picks were only 3/4 up the way up my page (ongoing ratings–from bottom to top of page), and my tastes and those of the European continent… did not mesh. Not entirely true–I had Italy in my top handful, and they placed second. First (Azerbaijan) and third (Sweden) were not in my top ten. Azerbaijan were in my bottom handful.

So this is for my European readers–too often, my posts are USA-centric. Did your favorites win? Lose? Do you hate Eurovision with a passion reserved for war crimes? Do you love it, perhaps despite yourself?

(for the record, my all time favorite is “We are the winners of Eurovision” by LT United, for Lithuania in 2006, which I refuse to believe was 5 years ago.)

Ok, so I know I had another post here, and I know a dozen or so people replied to that post–I have their comments in my email. But the post (“on the road”) is gone, as are the comments, and I have no idea why.

So anyway, I am back from two long days of driving, and have therefore missed out on two days of grading papers. So I will repeat the invitation–who are you? Drop a line in the comments, and let me know how long you have been reading, where you found my blog, a bit about yourself. I have read the ones posted on the mysterious missing post, and find that my readers are as fascinating as they are intelligent (intended as a compliment on both, btw). Probably damned good looking to, and I bet they smell nice.

Back to grading, unless something forces me to write it. Oh, if anyone knows what might have happened, that would be cool to know too.

As recently noted, there are a number of people who firmly believe we have just over a week until they will (they hope) be raptured. As a public service to those individuals, I am reposting an older verse and story, so that they might put their minds at ease with regard to their animal companions. (Note–because of increased demand, prices have gone up since I wrote this.)

The day the rapture sweeps the land,
And plucks up true believers,
Among those heathens Left Behind
Are Labrador Retrievers

No Saint Bernard will make the trip
Nor Cockapoo, nor Hound;
The Lord may be my shepherd,
But my Shepherd stays aground.

No Poodles, Pugs, or Pekingese;
No ifs or ands or buts—
The rapture takes God’s faithful,
But it doesn’t take the mutts.

Believers who are worried for
The welfare of their pets
Are offered, now, an answer
If they’d like to place their bets.

“Eternal Earthbound Pets” exists
To serve those Left Behind;
It’s rapture pet insurance, if
Believers are inclined.

Of course, not all believers think
Their pets will all be lost;
Their pets may go to Heaven, too
(Thus saving them the cost)

And Fido sits beside them, cos
In Heaven, all is well;
Together, they can laugh and spit
At sufferers in Hell.

From The Union Leader (Manchester, NH) comes the last pet-sitting service you will ever need. Well, assuming that you are going to heaven. If you’re with me, plan on needing to buy kibble for a long, long time.

As those Christians who believe in the Rapture get taken up into eternity, the pet-lovers among them will have one less thing to worry about if a Langdon atheist has anything to say about it.

Bart Centre, 61, a retired vice president of an international retail firm and current co-owner of Eternal Earthbound Pets, is offering a $110 post-Rapture pet care service. The way Centre sees it, he makes a little money in his retirement, and should Jesus Christ return and the Rapture occur, those snatched up into heaven will have their pets cared for, he said.

Of course, to me, the most interesting thing was the reaction from the editor for Rapture Ready:

One Christian who is having a bit of a chuckle over it is Terry James, general editor for the popular Christian Web site Rapture Ready based out of Arkansas.

“He’s giving somebody the business,” James said. “It’s a scam. . . . Anyone who would take that offer seriously, well, how would you even follow up?”

James said what is true is that Christians who believe in the Rapture do wonder about what will happen to their pets. So many, that James wrote a pamphlet about it. He said though pets will be left behind, if the people in Heaven decide that they miss their pets, they can decide to have them brought up later. He acknowledged that sounded a little screwy, but, he said, it’s what he believes.

“I find it kind of amusing to tell you the truth,” he said of Centre’s business venture. “I don’t begrudge him and I don’t hate him for it. And if anyone is actually foolish enough to buy the service and don’t think to follow up, well, then they are foolish.”

Leaving aside the irony of a biblical literalist making up non-biblical pamphlets telling feel-good stories about pets in heaven, and leaving aside the irony of someone with his beliefs calling any other beliefs foolish, there is a further, less evident (or maybe that’s the H1N1 talking) irony.

I have, in arguments with Rapture Ready believers and their ilk (not using my Cuttlefish handle), been told that they are happy I am going to hell, and that they will greatly enjoy looking down from heaven and watching me suffer in a lake of fire. I have been told that they will laugh, and if they are feeling particularly charitable, they will spit on me, just to watch me welcome this relief from the searing heat. Seriously.

And these people (or, most probably, others who share portions of their world view) are going to miss their dogs in heaven? Terry James makes up a story about bringing up Fido later, but gee, it’s too bad about grandma. If you love her, maybe you can convince more of your heavenly friends to spit on her.

(edited to add: predictably, the commentary on the story is every bit as interesting as the story itself, which will surprise no one familiar with the Union [mis]Leader.)

The other day, I swear I saw
A Goddess on the beach
An apparition, lovely to behold!

But Hindus used the force of law
To keep her out of reach
Those swimsuits are no longer being sold!

The images of Lakshmi
Have effectively been banned
Non-believers like myself, of course, may scoff

Though there’s nothing there that shocks me
If I see one, on the sand,
I’m demanding that the wearer take it off!

The Sydney Morning Herald (among other places) has the story of good intentions running into offended religious sensibilities (or of insensitive Aussie louts insulting devout faithful, depending on perspective), in which a swimsuit designed to turn heads did so, but for all the wrong reasons.

I do note, with no surprise at all, the fact that the photographs of the suit have now been on headlines across the world, so it’s probably good that the protesters made such a big fuss over them, to protect the dignity of Lakshmi.

So Newt is about to announce? How wonderful! He and The Donald can race for the moral high ground in debates! Newt takes hypocrisy to an art form; he is a gift to us all. Case in point: the New York Times is running an article on Callista Gingrich (wife #3, with whom Newt cheated on wife #2 for six years), and how she might be his “secret weapon” in his run for office. After all, she allows him a do-over, a mulligan, and he can be a marriage traditionalist, oppose same-sex marriage, and not pay the penalty for adultery.

In honor of Newt’s imminent announcement, I am reposting a song, from last year when he lectured us on how same-sex marriage was destroying the institution he was so fond of, and railed against the overreaching of an activist judge.

Damn, he’s so sexy when he’s hypocritical.

Intro:

I’ve been watching the news from California
Where an activist judge had his say
And conservative pundits now warn ya
You’ll only be safe if you’re gay
They talk to the networks and papers
And they speak of the dangers and harms
Then they swoon, with a case of the vapors
With their trophy wives clutching their arms

“They’re changing the meaning of marriage
The bonds that we used to hold dear
From a heterosexual pair-age
To a union a little more queer
A marriage is sacred and holy
Or at least, it has been so for me;
And perhaps a divorce, as a matter of course,
For to marry wife two or wife three”

Song:

I’ve been watching the queers at the courthouse
Where they pose for the cameras, and kiss
And although I’m not gay, there is one man today
Whom I’d join in connubial bliss:

Oh, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich—
He’s perfection in only one man
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich,
So I’m thanking the courts that I can!

Cos Newt is an expert on marriage
A commitment “till death do us part”
He’s so smart, and so cute; he’s my teddy-bear Newt
And I love him with all of my heart

Oh, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich—
The conservative man I adore
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich,
And love him as “spouse number four”!

We’ll walk down the aisle together
On that wonderful, magical day
We’ll be “Mister and Mister”, and maybe Newt’s sister
Could give her big brother away

Oh, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich—
What a wonderful, marvelous thing!
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich,
I’ll be wearing Newt Gingrich’s ring!

Sure, he left his first wife on her deathbed
And he left “Mrs. Two” for “Miss Three”
But with Newt on my arm, I say, “fourth time’s a charm!”
He’ll be happier married to me!

Yes, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich—
He’s perfection in only one man
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich,
So I’m thanking the courts that I can!

Yesterday—I thought it weird—
I saw two women, disappeared
Religious censorship held sway
Oh, how I wish it’d go away

When first I saw the photograph
Two women numbered in the staff
But when the censor photoshopped
The both of them were simply dropped

Go away, go away, from the situation room!
Go away, go away, or the censor will fume

Yesterday—I thought it weird—
I saw two women, disappeared
Religious censorship held sway
Oh, how I wish it’d go away

I expect you have seen both the original and the doctored photo by now–it is already an iconic image–my favorite coverage of the issue is here, at the Washington Post. Of all the variations on the classic photo, Der Zeitung’s is the only one I disapprove of (My favorite features a velociraptor).

The verse, you might recognize, is stolen from “Antigonish“, by William Hughes Mearns. Just because.

Oh, and: