Oh look, just a few weeks until Christmas, and that means it’s time once again for our annual list of Top Ten Reasons Santa is Better than Jesus! Let’s start.
10. Santa does not endorse multiple assholes from the same political party as presidential candidates. In fact, he doesn’t endorse any political candidates or parties.
9. If you’re bad, Santa gives you a lump of coal, he doesn’t try to turn you into one.
8. Santa comes to town riding a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer; Jesus came to town, once, riding someone else’s ass (which seems to have become a tradition among some of his followers, by the way).
7. Jesus says he loves little kids, but Santa actually lets them sit in his lap.
6. Santa doesn’t spend all his time obsessing over how other people have sex.
5. Santa can run his whole enterprise, year after year, without begging for donations or demanding government funding.
4. Some of history’s worst atrocities and injustices have been committed by people who believe in Jesus, but NONE of them have been committed by people who believe in Santa.
3. You don’t have to devote your life to figuring out a collection of 66 books full of obscure, archaic, and contradictory teachings—Santa is satisfied if you’re just reasonably good most of the time.
2. Santa cares enough to come back every year. And he shows up on time, too! We’re going on 2,000 years since Jesus told his apostles that some of them would see his kingdom come.
And my number one reason why Santa is better than Jesus:
1. Santa saves you from Hell by not creating it in the first place. Duh.