They wouldn’t have this bathroom problem if only god would kill the evil people


The NY Times has an article on Ken Ham’s Ark. It always bugs me how the NYT blurs everything down to a bland grey smear (except for the conservatives on the op-ed page, who are encouraged to be stupid), but it’s got a few choice bits served up in their usual neutral, flavorless sauce.

You have to remember that Young Earth Creationism is a freakishly bizarre and recent sect of Christianity — it goes against the grain of the broader beliefs of most Christian denominations, but has grown into de facto popularity because its proponents are really good at claiming that they are the True Bible Believers. Their great trick was to subvert the naive proposition held by most Christian groups that the Bible is a good book, true in every word, by actually pointing to what’s written and saying that you have to believe this sentence fragment literally in order to be Christian. Those of us who actually think about what it says and compare it to the real world become atheists; those who don’t think much at all about science shrug their shoulders and decide they must believe the Earth is only 6000 years old, and no way was my grandpa an ape.

Young earth creationism gained currency only about 60 years ago, and has remained a marginal creed within Christianity. Even many Bible-believers and evangelicals accept the science showing that the universe is billions of years old — some reasoning that each of the six “days” of creation in the Book of Genesis may have lasted millions of years, not 24 hours. And of course, many Christians accept evolution.

Another important thing to remember, besides the fringey nature of the belief, is that their primary message is one of hate. God hates certain behaviors, so it was perfectly all right for God to murder millions of people to eliminate their degeneracy. Ken Ham avoids the spittle-flecking of Pastor Steven L. Anderson, but it’s fundamentally the same story: gays and atheists and women who control their own reproduction are abominations who will be eliminated soon. By god. Not by people, they’re always quick to say, god will judge…and by the way, they’ve judged too, and are quite sure their god will agree with them on who deserves to die.

The ark is also intended to serve as a vivid warning that, according to the Bible, God sent a flood in Noah’s time to wipe out a depraved people, and God will deliver a fiery end to those who reject the Bible and accept modern-day evils like abortion, atheism and same-sex marriage. We’re becoming more like the days of Noah in that we see increasing secularization in the culture, Mr. Ham said.

Oh, a fiery end. It’s always fun to read about people who think we ought to be set on fire.

They also have a creepy version of Biblical racism — the Hamite theory is alive and well in Kentucky — and again, they’ve got to emphasize the evil morally decadent society that is righteously wiped out.

Drawings of Noah and his seven family members hung on a wall. Their skin is “middle brown” and their faces are a blend of racial features because, as the only survivors of the biblical flood, all the races and ethnicities on earth would have descended from these eight people, Mr. Chaffey said. But in some of the displays in the warehouse, there were indications of the ministry’s dark vision of humanity. An artist, Stephanie Fazekas, stood at a computer drawing figurines of women in togas. They were prostitutes for a diorama portraying the morally decadent society that the Bible says was wiped out in a flood.

Also, reality is like a lawn full of rakes that keep thwacking them in the face. This is supposed to be a life-sized version of the giant boat that housed thousands of animals for a year, during the most ferocious, world-wrecking storm of all time. But they have to keep scaling back their plans.

They were originally going to have a live animal zoo on the ark. Then they admitted that there were relatively few species represented on the ark, because (they don’t use this word) evolution, which allows varieties to rapidly diversify. And then, well, look what this gigantic building will house:

And there will be only about 30 pairs of stuffed animals on the Ark Encounter because there just isn’t enough space. We have to have dozens and dozens of bathrooms for visitors. Noah didn’t have to have that, Mr. Chaffey said.

Only 30 pairs of animals? Because bathrooms? It’s true, Noah didn’t have thousands of visitors trooping through his big boat, because his god killed them all in the story, but he did have a gigantic waste disposal problem that Ken Ham’s sanitized and simplified display avoids by using stuffed animals.

Mediocre.

Comments

  1. birgerjohansson says

    What the bible did not mention is that Noah brought along several species of giant dung beetles. Unfortunately, Noah could not tell them apart, so the “pairs” were actually one specimen each of different species, explaining why they are no longer around.
    (the antediluvian atmosphere had more oxygen, in case you wonder how insects got that big)

  2. birgerjohansson says

    Ken’s ancestors picked that surname to distance themselves from ZEE JOOS!

  3. Snarki, child of Loki says

    I really like how they’re sticking to historically accurate construction techniques.

    Because that Noah dude TOTALLY used Tyvek house-wrap on his boat.

  4. birgerjohansson says

    If we go back to Utnapishtim, the correct construction material is bundles of dried reeds.

  5. =8)-DX says

    I’m only mildly curious to see if Ham puts his pair of dogs (long ears) along the side of the boat and the cats inside. Also will there be two good ducks? That’s the real theological conundrum.

    – ht Eddie Izzard –
    =8)-DX

  6. kiptw says

    Pairs of animals? What happened to “seven of the clean species, and two of those not clean”? Don’t they read that thing they like to hit people with?

  7. Reginald Selkirk says

    You have to remember that Young Earth Creationism is a freakishly bizarre and recent sect of Christianity — it goes against the grain of the broader beliefs of most Christian denominations, but has grown into de facto popularity because its proponents are really good at claiming that they are the True Bible Believers.

    Oy. I didn’t expect to read this semi-lie from you.
    “Most Christian denominations” may not be in the YEC camp, but as mainline denominations have expressed support for less literalist interpretations, the people in the seats have shifted to the Fundy/Evangelical sects. So I think it is misleading to make a reference to the number of denominations, not the number of Christians. Over 40% of the US adult population throws in with YEC, and they are doing it mostly for religious (i.e. Christian) reasons. They cannot be dismissed as an unrepresentative minority.

  8. nelliebly says

    Well, at least they’re being historically accurate about prostitutes wearing togas – it’s a start – I guess?

  9. Reginald Selkirk says

    birgerjohansson #3: Ken’s ancestors picked that surname to distance themselves from ZEE JOOS!

    Uh, why, because ham is not kosher? Ha ha.
    Of course Ham is a Biblical name.

  10. Sastra says

    I really hope Ham makes the ark realistic by hiring at least a hundred actors to stand outside of the ark and plead heartbreakingly to visitors to save them from the Flood. Sure, they can tart up some ‘prostitutes’ — but the majority of the Damned ought to look like just the kind of folks the visitors might have known, hung out with, and cared about, had they lived back then..

    “Please … please … my babies! You came to the party we had when they were born, you held and rocked them — don’t let them die! Take them, leave me but take them! I beg of you with my dying breath, for all we have been to each other through the years, have mercy — DON’T LET THEM DIE!!!!”

    That sort of thing ought to make them appreciate the story much better.

  11. blf says

    How evil is it of me to sort-of hope the toilet’s plumbing is as absurd as teh ark’s premise, and frequently backs-up or otherwise fluds…?

  12. Artor says

    Blf, that would only be appropriate, but the Ark is already full of shit. Who would notice the difference?

  13. slithey tove (twas brillig (stevem)) says

    It’s very infuriating how badly they try to throw science into their mythology soup. the creatures on the ark evolved into all the animal forms we see today [paraphrased] aaaacccckkkkk 6000 yrs is not enough time to allow such a great diversity to evolve from such a few originators. If you want to believe that the entire earth was flooded in 40 days, why try to cram evolution into that nonsense? God would just have the survivors pop out different species of the same ~ ~ ~ … ~ (uhhh) type. Wolves birthed foxes and dogs; Lions birthed cougars and tigers and kitties, etc. Evolution didn’t happen, changes happened spontaneously, as gawd werks in mystery waves [sic, sarcastically]. When you stick with your Story, stick with it and stop trying to throw in other stuff to try to lure unbelievers into your storytimes.

  14. Trickster Goddess says

    I wonder how many of those “dozens and dozens of bathrooms” transgender people will be allowed to use?

    (Trick question.)

  15. says

    When I read the title of this post, I thought it was going to be about the other bathroom problem, and I was worried what new murderous thing had happened outside a bathroom somewhere in the USA. Relieved that it was only more Ark silliness.

  16. anbheal says

    @16 NelC — ha ha, I had the exact same thought, that some short haired athletic woman got assaulted leaving the woman’s room. Well, not ha ha, funny.

    And hey, slightly off topic, but let’s give a shout out to those two practicing Catholics who didn’t let their voodoo get in the way of striking down the Texas abortion clinic law. We knew Sotomayor would be onboard, but Kennedy’s becoming positively John-Paul-Stevens-esque in his willingness to break ranks with the dirtbags from time to time.

  17. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge says

    An artist, Stephanie Fazekas, stood at a computer drawing figurines of women in togas.

    Women in togas? Seriously? The Toga Virilis? Are they that ignorant, or is it the reporter calling a Chlamys or whatever a toga?

  18. jackal says

    I’m glad they won’t have any live animals on the ark. I can’t imagine they’d be able to provide them with proper care. I doubt that Ham would be able to get the permits to keep larger exotic animals on his faux-boat anyway, nor would he want the overhead of paying for their care, not to mention the salaries of their caretakers.

  19. Snarki, child of Loki says

    “I’m glad they won’t have any live animals on the ark.”

    I bet that they’re going to have some ants, cockroaches, houseflies, and termites fairly quickly, once they let the fundies on board. Insects, too!

  20. blf says

    Women in togas?

    I would be unsurprised to learn women in togas is a staple of modern-day “ancient p0rn” (Rule 34 and all that).

    And, interestingly, Ye Pffft! of All Knowledge says certain females did, and were possibly compelled or expected to, wear some forms of toga:

    Female prostitutes and women divorced for adultery were denied the stola entirely but might wear the plain white “toga of motherhood” (toga muliebris). Some Roman sources suggest that this was somehow “compelled” on the wearer, as a public sign of her “infamous and disreputable” status. Many women, however, must have entered into prostitution through economic necessity, accepting this “uniform” as part of the job; prostitution was thought one of life’s essentials for Roman men, and prostitutes were licensed and taxed. The white toga also ensured that any adulteress would be perceived as a prostitute. Why the toga was used in this way remains a matter of debate and speculation.

    Of course that is Ancient Rome, which even the YECs should admit is much later than the flud — after, the dead dude on a tree is after the flud and happened during Roman times. Whether or not there were togas (in any form) at YEC flud-time I have no idea, nor who wore them.

  21. stripeycat says

    @18
    Etruscan togas started out as a unisex garment; and in the early days of Rome, street-walkers wore red togas for easy identification. Still in the wrong damn millenium, and on the wrong continent.

  22. stripeycat says

    ^ Um, don’t know why I put red there – I think hte colour wasn’t specified. The point was that they weren’t wearing the dresses respectable women had taken up.

  23. jeffreylewis says

    Young earth creationism gained currency only about 60 years ago, and has remained a marginal creed within Christianity. Even many Bible-believers and evangelicals accept the science showing that the universe is billions of years old — some reasoning that each of the six “days” of creation in the Book of Genesis may have lasted millions of years, not 24 hours. And of course, many Christians accept evolution.

    While I accept that modern Young Earth Creationism is a recent phenomenon, passages like this go too far the other way, implying that practically all Christians used to believe in an ancient Earth, and it’s only been in the last few decades that they’ve come to believe the Earth was only a few thousand years old. I mean, practically everybody has heard of Ussher’s dating from the 17th century. And he was hardly alone – other Biblical scholars came up with their own estimates of a roughly 6000 year age of the Earth. Even Saint Augustine, often held as an example of more enlightened thinking regarding Christianity, wrote, “They are deceived . . . by those highly mendacious documents which profess to give the history of many thousand years, though reckoning by the sacred writings, we find that not 6,000 years have yet passed.”

    Young Earth Creationism isn’t a particularly recent phenomenon, though the modern incarnation may be.

  24. rietpluim says

    In literature, people always identify with the protagonist. Most Christians don’t realize that, if the flood would be happening today, 99.99% of them would be killed. They cannot all be Noah’s family.

    My question tot every christian in the world:

    Can you imagine your baby drowning in front of your eyes by the actions of a benevolent creator?

  25. says

    Of course, the explanation as to how all the animals could fit on the ark was discovered when biblical archeologists discovered Noah’s log book which had listed the name of the ark as “Terrestrial Animal Rescue Deluge Invincible Ship”.

  26. birgerjohansson says

    “Of course Ham is a Biblical name”

    Yes, but it is not used as a surname.
    and if it was picked from the bible by Kennys ancestors, should it not have the suffix “-ohim” ?
    (yes, I know, bible-thumpers are not much concerned with getting stuff right)

  27. birgerjohansson says

    Grumpy Santa, I once suggested life in the proterozoic survived the “Snowball Earth” events because The Doctor took pity on the slime mould that lived there at the time…

  28. williamsnedden says

    I find it more than slightly humorous that one of the “writers” of the video is named “Ben Laffin”. All the way to the bank, I’d guess…