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Aug 23 2012

I knew it!

You can’t have missed all the new Republican ‘science’ about secretions and juices and fluids that women produce when they are legitimately raped.

Unless you’ve been in a soundproof booth for the past three days (lucky you), you’ve probably heard a lot about this mysterious chemical that women can produce on demand to prevent them from becoming pregnant. For centuries, women have, according to anti-choicers, been able to ward off becoming impregnated by their rapists by emitting this substance during their rape. Despite being a miracle of science and biology, we’ve never known its name.

But now we do: it’s called magic vagina death venom, and you ladies can now buy a bottle to collect it.

I’ve long wondered why I often got dizzy and light-headed and confused around women, but now I understand — it’s because you’re all oozing poisons. I think it’s an excellent first step to be collecting these toxins from your bodies to minimize accidental exposure, but I’ve got to wonder…what are you all planning to do with those little bottles of concentrated vaginal evil?

36 comments

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  1. 1
    wcorvi

    If it were true that women could easily self-abort, the republicans would have outlawed it by now.

  2. 2
    embertine

    It’s true. I read the Hawthorne story “Rappacinni’s Daughter” when I was a teenager, and since then I’ve been rolling in toxic flora to ensure my magic vagina death venom is as magic, deathy and venomous as possible.

  3. 3
    Sophia, Michelin-starred General of the First Mediterranean Iron Chef Batallion

    Well fuck.

    *looks over at five month old baby sleep-tenderising in cot*

    My glands are defective. Does that mean I’m a man now, or that I’m just an even-more-inferior woman? :P
    Oh wait, “legitimate rape”… Coerced marital sex doesn’t count, because all marital sex is totes fantastic with the G-man.

    BAH.

    Gotta get me some of that sweet, sweet fanny poison.

  4. 4
    Antiochus Epiphanes

    Your light-headedness is not attributable to this chemical. However, if your testockles have shrunk, and the desire to subvert the women around you is all but dried up, you have been dosed. The bad news is that your boys are no longer swimming. This is a syndrome called spooge malaise, and the only cure is beer, professional sports*, and fighting with other males. When you feel the urge to take that first swing at a cop, your boys are all better, and you can go populate the earth with little orphan PZs again.

    *American football, hockey, or boxing. I’d stay away from soccer or diving to be on the safe side. I’m sure that Europeans and Australians have some cure as well, and I’m reasonably sure that soccer and diving are not in the equation.

  5. 5
    Louis

    ZOMG! This is clearly a conspiracy by liberal Big Pharma to market this Magic Vagina Death Venom as an abortifactant or contraceptive to stop men getting women righteously pregnant and co-opt natural processes for profit.

    Louis

  6. 6
    julietdefarge

    What to do with the bottles?
    Income stream.
    Sell them on the same sites that offer worn panties.

  7. 7
    LykeX

    So, if you massively dilute this vagina venom, do you get a treatment for infertility?

  8. 8
    Zeno

    Aha! So Brigadier General Jack D. Ripper was right after all about the need to protect our “precious bodily fluids”! We just didn’t realize the degree to which sly seductresses were involved in adulterating them with subtle venoms.

  9. 9
    dccarbene

    Well.
    We all knew Rebecca Waston did, continues to do, and in the future will do all that is evil.
    Now we know **how**
    Worst part?
    No antidote.

    Talk about your Precious Bodily Fluids….

  10. 10
    Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    So is it produced at all times (Except when Teh God wills it of course) or only in times of imminent rape shame?

    Republican Science needs to know.

  11. 11
    David Marjanović

    I’m sure that Europeans and Australians have some cure as well, and I’m reasonably sure that soccer and diving are not in the equation.

    Dude, do you have no idea how brutal soccer is?!?

  12. 12
    pensnest

    Nah, I’d still rather have teeth. Vagina dentata. Imagine how the world would change.

  13. 13
    Antiochus Epiphanes

    Dude, do you have no idea how brutal soccer is?!?

    Yup. I played through high school. It switched to soccer because I was tired of the broken limbs and concussions that I experienced playing American football as a child*. Soccer was also significantly less brutal than baseball, which I also played through high school. But to be fair, I played catcher, which is just a target for injury.

    Soccer, on the othe hand, was mostly just fun (brutally tiring maybe)

    And anyway, it was a joke. I was riffing on toxic masculinity. For instance, I would never have the courage to dive head first into any body of water, and definitely not from the dizzying heights that competitive divers do.

    *I broke both arms, one of them twice, and experienced two concussions.

  14. 14
    Tony! The Queer Shoop

    Ladies,
    You no longer need to use this magic vaginal venom. Through the miracles of modern science ta-daaaaaaaaaaaa:
    vagina dentata.
    It was a movie, so I know it’s real.
    ::wink, wink::

  15. 15
    Tony! The Queer Shoop

    Antiochus:

    Your light-headedness is not attributable to this chemical. However, if your testockles have shrunk, and the desire to subvert the women around you is all but dried up, you have been dosed. The bad news is that your boys are no longer swimming. This is a syndrome called spooge malaise, and the only cure is beer, professional sports*, and fighting with other males.

    There *is* another cure.
    According to fundie christians, homosexuality is a choice, so instead of rolling around with your bromance buddies while watching sports and drinking beers: GO GAY. Then you won’t have to worry about shrunknen testockles. You’ll be rolling around in the bed with whiskey (or rum or vodka) and another guy, while watching the Olympics (men’s gymnastics, natch).

  16. 16
    embertine

    dccarbene, you have sussed out her evil plan. She puts her MVDM into little perfume atomisers and spritzes any room into which she enters. And like a queen termite controlling her minions with her secretions, she co-opts all her Skepslaves into doing the same.

    Whole secularist conferences can be subtly overpowered with her feminine poisons, until Real Manly Men™ feel weakened and barely have the energy to follow women into confined spaces and proposition them for sex as a conversation opener.

    Thus the Femizombie Apocalypse of DOOM shall come about.

  17. 17
    AlanMac

    …and Todd Atkin and the anti-choicers think the furor is only about the use of term “legitimate” not that their basic premise is wrong. And thereby hangs the tale.

  18. 18
    truthspeaker

    I don’t know about preventing pregnancy, but I have anecdotal evidence that this stuff promotes healthy beard growth.

  19. 19
    Louis

    Truthspeaker,

    You win several internets.

    Louis

  20. 20
    Big Boppa

    “Magic Vagina Death Venom” would be an excellent name for a “Pussy Riot” tribute band.

  21. 21
    YOB - Ye Olde Blacksmith

    Well, according to my wife, this doesn’t exist except as a hoax or joke. So it logically follows that:

    IT IS REAL!!!1!1!eleventh!!!1 And she’s part of the conspiracy! Oh noes!

  22. 22
    Eristae

    what are you all planning to do with those little bottles of concentrated vaginal evil?

    I would think that the answer is obvious: To destroy mankind!

  23. 23
    DLC

    Clearly you poor deluded men need help. MVDV is not too lethal, but when combined with fluoridated water it’s brutal. It saps your Manly Essence. Diluting your pure essence until you find yourself failing, in the act of physical love. The only way to stop it is to stop the Commies before it’s too late!
    So, I ordered the wing to attack . . . /Gen. Ripper.

  24. 24
    markr1957

    Fuck – I’ve been drinking this straight from the faucet for years now! That explains why I’m sterile (or was that the vasectomy?)

  25. 25
    strange gods before me ॐ

    That eBay listing’s “Questions and answers about this item” are amusing.

  26. 26
  27. 27
    vyyle

    “Magic Vagina Death Venom”

    …If there isn’t a band with that name, there damn well should be.

  28. 28
    Menyambal

    So how is this magic secretion different from the morning-after pill? Aside from one being God’s clever design and the other being a human’s evil design.

  29. 29
    elaineballou

    Hey, my friend the awesome artist Kit Cameo made that! For Aisfor.org, run by some of my other friends and the fabulous Martha Plimpton. So cool to see it here on my favorite blog!

  30. 30
    kitcameo

    I made this. :)

  31. 31
    kitcameo

    Oh, hi elaine! I commented before seeing you there. Oops!

  32. 32
    John Phillips, FCD

    Got to love the Q&A on that page, I can’t stop chuckling whenever I think about them, sheer genius.

  33. 33
    tomkremer

    Seeing that the magic vaginal juice has been adequately covered, I have something to say about the press language regarding this. I believe (should have counted) I heard teevee people refer to Akin’s lunacy as “breathtaking” and “jaw-dropping” numerous times. I thought his lunatic junk was, well, lunatic junk. Now, a bit ago a group of really smart scientists and engineers that work for the government put a car on top of a rocket and shot it to Mars, landed it, and are going to start driving around. That’s breathtaking and jaw-dropping.

  34. 34
    kristinc, now with added ventilation

    The bastages removed it!

  35. 35
    w1znerd

    Did anyone get a screen capture of the Etsy listing before it was pulled?

  36. 36
    w1znerd

    Sorry. I meant Ebay.

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