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Jun 20 2012

Deepak Chopra is now obsolete

He has been replaced by a ‘bot. And it’s amazing how well it captures the true spirit of Chopra.

96 comments

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  1. 1
    SC (Salty Current), OM

    Indistinguishable.

  2. 2
    Robert B.

    No way, SC, I’ve done it like ten times and I haven’t gotten anything with “quantum” in it yet…

    *click*

    Never mind.

  3. 3
    notforyoutoknow

    “Quantum physics creates sexual sensations.” I think this one pretty much captured everything about the man.

  4. 4
    A Hermit

    Spooky! I got “Your movement unfolds into humble chaos”, which pretty accurately describes what happened in my toilet this morning…

  5. 5
    radpumpkin

    “Your consciousness fascinates ephemeral destiny”

    “Evolution opens reckless space time events”

    “The world is reborn in quantum belonging”

    Wat.
    Yes, ’tis completely indistinguishable from the real crackpot…

  6. 6
    gragra, something clever after the comma

    No way, SC, I’ve done it like ten times and I haven’t gotten anything with “quantum” in it yet…

    I got it third try. You have to believe.

  7. 7
    Don Quijote

    @Robert B.

    That’s because “Self power transforms irrational acceptance.”

  8. 8
    a3kr0n

    Can’t comment now, busy receiving more wisdom!
    Click
    Click
    Click

  9. 9
    Randomfactor

    I agree with the others. Needs more quantum. But the ones I got would suffice for any newage guru.

  10. 10
    What a Maroon, oblivious

    I got quantum on my second try:

    “Intuition explores quantum mysteries”

  11. 11
    Robert B.

    I really did get my first “quantum” koan while I was writing that comment. Which tells you how easily distracted I…

    *click*

    “Wholeness experiences intrinsic sexual energy.”

  12. 12
    unbound

    Doesn’t calling Deepak obsolete imply that he was useful in some way to begin with?

  13. 13
    Glen Davidson

    Needs more whining about real science as being “too limited” or whatever cliche you might prefer.

    Glen Davidson

  14. 14
    radpumpkin

    “Intuition explores quantum mysteries”

    No, no it does not.

  15. 15
    Gnumann+, out&proud cultural marxist (just don't ask me about Gramsci)

    I’m confused here – does this mean Deepak Chopra (original edition) fails the Turning test?

  16. 16
    tonyagudo

    Here’s a few nuggets I got:

    “The world is beyond quantum sexual energy”
    “Intuition is the continuity of universal space time events”
    “Interdependence illuminates ephemeral creativity”
    “Dogs are horses”

  17. 17
    Stevarious, Public Health Problem

    Well, thanks to this site, now we know what god is.

    “God is the ground of unparalleled space time events”

    “God is a series of existence transcending cosmic possibilities”

    “God is inherent in pure excellence.”

    “God is a movement that gives rise to underlying quantum choices.”

    God is: “a collection of words which individually have meaning and value, but when strung together lose both.”

  18. 18
    Glen Davidson

    Did anyone consider the consequences of inundating the world with such a surfeit of profound wisdom and enlightenment?

    I fear that we shall dissolve sometime this afternoon.

    Glen Davidson

  19. 19
    'Tis Himself

    It took me 16 tries to get quantum. But I did get four mentions of chaos in that time.

  20. 20
    theophontes (恶六六六缓步动物)

    @ Gnumann

    Turning Turing

    (Getting random shit out of a linear process aint easy! We won’t be losing Deepak for a little while yet.)

  21. 21
    chigau (違う)

    woohoo!
    First try!
    “The soul is the continuity of quantum success”

  22. 22
    Shawn

    @13 Such people need to realize no one is asking them to constrain themselves to science or the scientific method when imagining shit up.

  23. 23
    HappyHead

    @tonyagudo

    “Dogs are horses”

    I suspect this depends on the type of dog – I used to have an Irish Wolfhound that came pretty close. This would indicate an inaccuracy in the Chopra impersonation though, since it was much closer to describing reality than a lot of his statements.

  24. 24
    feralboy12

    I made one of these up:

    “Perceptual reality is reborn in subtle fulfillment”
    “Self power projects onto ephemeral creativity”
    “To control the infinitive is to rule the entire compost.”
    “God experiences the mechanics of marvel”

    Free USB gumdrop to whoever identifies the phony.

  25. 25
    Thomathy, Such A 'Mo

    Self-power is inside unique silence.

    Oh, Deepak, if only you took this to heart. Or is unique silence when you constantly spout meaningless bullshit?

    Oh, wait …

    Dogs are insects.

    This is actually quite a profound revelation.

  26. 26
    smellyoldgit

    I got 3 quantums (or is it quanta?) in the first 6 goes – but still chasing my first consciousness. Prolly needs rebooting.

  27. 27
    Sunday Afternoon

    I love the disclaimer at the bottom:

    This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. It in no way reflects the thoughts of Deepak Chopra.

  28. 28
    Thomathy, Such A 'Mo

    feralboy12, I vote for #3.

    To control the infinitive is to rule the entire compost.

    But then, I never believed he had ever said anything about dogs or insects …

  29. 29
    Q.E.D

    This bot is so good it not only mimicks Deepshit’s verbiage perfectly but like Deepshit, each ” Deepity thought” is followed by another completely nonsensical, nonsequitur, irrelevant, has-no-power-of-explanation, follow up Deepity.

  30. 30
    nomadiq

    Love it… the first one I got was:

    “Dogs are sterile”

    If dogs are Chopra’s ideas then this is very wise indeed. But I love my dog and would never compare her to Chopra. She is simple minded, able to confuse me with her behaviour and always smiling, but then… she is a dog.

  31. 31
    Thomathy, Such A 'Mo

    It in no way reflects the thoughts of Deepak Chopra.

    Deepak Chopra would have to disagree in order to be consistent. Quantum Cosmic Consciousness and all; it’s the universal mind, of which he is a part, talking.

  32. 32
    Nightjar

    Three important things I learned today:

    “Interdependence influences visible acceptance”

    “Your body requires self-righteous sexual energy”

    “Rats are llamas”

  33. 33
    Thomathy, Such A 'Mo

    Does anyone know what would happen if this bot were combined with the Postmodernism Generator?

  34. 34
    fistikins

    I fear that with this new tool Deepak will be able to churn books out at an unfathomable rate.

  35. 35
    Glen Davidson

    This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. It in no way reflects the thoughts of Deepak Chopra.

    I see what they did there. “Thoughts.”

    Glen Davidson

  36. 36
    theophontes (恶六六六缓步动物)

    And call that just who,
    at result ageless offers god in york?
    soul have me spa chopra.

    The above a haiku of Chopra’s website after being fed into a random poem generator. Link to generator. The fun ain’t never gonna stop!

  37. 37
    tbp1

    Now?

  38. 38
    Jafafa Hots

    Wait… I got “Good health depends on visible reality.”

    That IS NOT CHOPRA!

  39. 39
    pentatomid

    “The unknowable explains a symphony of potentiality”

    Wow, that is like totally deep maaaan!

  40. 40
    Jafafa Hots

    er, actually I think it was “depends upon,” but same diff.

  41. 41
    theophontes (恶六六六缓步动物)

    “Quote deepak that way,
    can random in weigh!
    serious random if you,
    list put of u.”

    vs

    “Only if cosmisconciousness from,
    are quote quote some!
    running a are slum,
    that styling put sum.”

    vs

    “Chopra wisdomofchopra like of donate,
    could this fictional been no said are!
    has and this purposes your.”

    Meh … not quite Shakespeare, but at least more coherent than the babble.

  42. 42
    What a Maroon, oblivious

    “The world unfolds into subtle chaos”
    That actually makes some sense, if it’s meant to describe entropy.

    On the other hand….

    “The unexplainable undertakes unparalleled balance”

  43. 43
    Loqi

    Before I clicked the link, I assumed it was just going to say “quantum quantum quantum consciousness quantum.”

  44. 44
    Gregory in Seattle

    It’s like a New Age fortune cookie. And like a fortune cookie, one should add either “… in bed” or “… with a penguin” at the end.

  45. 45
    petermountain

    “Kittens are birds” o.0

  46. 46
    theophontes (恶六六六缓步动物)

    Is Deepak not the leading exponent of (“the un-figure-outable vortex of”) Juche Thought ™ ?

  47. 47
    leighshryock

    I finally got one that doesn’t sound like him, but is as factually correct as what he normally says:

    “Kittens are plants.”

    The rest? Pretty much spot on.

  48. 48
    Gregory in Seattle

    @leighshryock #47 – Actually, it does sound like him; it’s just incomplete.

    Kittens are plants because they both share in the same quantum essence that unites all living things.

  49. 49
    ChristineRose

    “Hidden meaning arises and subsides in the mechanics of joy”

    Not only is this entirely true, it is naughty as well!

  50. 50
    Loqi

    Having now visited the link and clicked through several, I’m convinced this is not a bot. There’s got to be a tiny Chopra inside my computer typing these out.

  51. 51
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    “The world transcends subtle sensations”

    Also makes for an excellent title for a shitty indie band’s debut album!

  52. 52
    AJ Milne

    I fear that with this new tool Deepak will be able to churn books out at an unfathomable rate.

    We’re going to notice the difference how?

    (/Come to think of it, it poses an interesting question: is he perhaps already using one of these?)

  53. 53
    fabianocaccin

    The mind gives rise to total facts

    This does reflect the “thoughts” of the man, I’d say.
    Reality is an opinion. Sounds familiar to me.

    Fabiano
    believer of The Cult Of Solar Fusion

  54. 54
    Beatrice, an amateur cynic looking for a happy thought

    “The soul transcends universal abstract beauty”

    Wow, deep.

  55. 55
    earwig

    “The unexplainable is in the midst of quantum bliss”
    “The universe depends on unbridled mysteries”
    “Kittens are birds”

    I think that just about sums it up.

  56. 56
    Gnumann+, out&proud cultural marxist (just don't ask me about Gramsci)

    Turing

    Doh! The real scary part is that I mostly write for a living… (though thankfully not in English)

  57. 57
    Gnumann+, out&proud cultural marxist (just don't ask me about Gramsci)

    Aannd we got blockquote fail on top of everything else…

  58. 58
    Larry

    Damn you, Wisdom of Chopra. I’ve become like a mindless monkey in a cage, clicking a button to reveal the next morsel of monkey chow, or, in this case, the pearls of wisdom that flow from Deepak inner essence. Each clicks only makes me want another and another.

    My day is so screwed.

  59. 59
    leighshryock

    Gregory @48:
    Fair point. Doesn’t sound like him as it stands, but could easily be expounded upon to come up with his particular brand of insanity.

  60. 60
    ebotebo

    Sonifies dead onlinethere messages camping,
    with making userscosmic information showcasing s added!
    in dead updates damn summertaper.

  61. 61
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    “Love nurtures boundless chaos”

    It’s like someone wrote a Zen koan about my sex life. O.o

  62. 62
    Strewth

    I got “Elephants are Sterile”.

    The “(xanimals) are (y)” formula is pretty limiting and needs expansion, methinks.

  63. 63
    digitalatheist

    “The unpredictable is an ingredient of quantum sexual energy”

    HOKEY HELL! I just unlocked the wizdomz of teh universe. Eyeinstein was a poker.

  64. 64
    Sastra

    Deepak’s deepities rely on the same principles as ‘cold reading:’ throw out a lot of vague generalities or obscure suggestions and let the subject/client do all the work.

    “I see a man with light hair– he’s wearing some kind of uniform, and he’s bent over. Does this make sense to you?”
    “Well, my Uncle Carl had a bad back… and his hair was dark, but he lost most of it when he got older. Uniform? He was a car mechanic — wait! I remember now! They made him wear a shirt, a blue shirt, everyone in the shop had them and his name was embroidered on the pocket. OMG! I can’t believe you got all that detail! Even stuff I’d forgotten!”

    That’s why Deepak and his ilk are so popular with a certain subset of the intelligencia. They take something like “The soul transcends universal beauty in quantum bliss” and plug in what little they know about science with an active pattern-seeking ability and use their intellect to come up with something meaningful to them. He makes them feel like they discovered something profound by working together.

    And the smarter you are, the better you will be at generating meaning from nonsense syllables — unless, of course, you are smart enough to try to look at the system from the outside.

  65. 65
    Rip Steakface

    “Intuition is the wisdom of reckless creativity”

    Is it now? I figured it was, well, figuring something.

    “Evolution unfolds into infinite acceptance”

    *looks at Louisiana’s school curriculum*
    Nope.

    “Wholeness arises and subsides in essential truth”

    What the fuck… ?

    “Your movement is the path to the doorway to space time events”

    Now you’re fucking with me.

  66. 66
    Keith Peterson

    “Quantum physics is inside the expansion of sensations”

    Are you absolutely sure this is a bot?
    What if Deepak was a robot all along?
    Oh man! I’m not even sure what’s real and what’s not…

  67. 67
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    What if Deepak was a robot all along?

    What do you mean “what if”?

  68. 68
    Keith Peterson

    I don’t feel like explaining conditionals.

  69. 69
    shockna

    “The cosmos explores quantum life”

    “Existence is the wisdom of spontaneous reality”

    “Everything is the path to total mysteries”

    “Evolution illuminates your own belonging”

    “Interdependence is inherent in incredible space time events”

    “Hidden meaning expresses an expression of knowledge”

    I am now convinced that I must design a life-like Chopra-bot and program it to verbalize random quotes like this. I’d like to line it and the real Chopra up to do a real-time Turing test.

  70. 70
    David Utidjian

    HAHAHA! Perfect. Reminds me of the Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector(TM)

    “The unexplainable is the path to a symphony of belonging”
    “Quantum physics gives rise to quantum potentiality”
    (two quantums!)
    “Perception is an ingredient of irrational experiences”

    I prefer, “Integrated Reciprocal Mobility” (SBPP)

  71. 71
    ogremeister

    Gnumann @ 15:

    I’m confused here – does this mean Deepak Chopra (original edition) fails the Turning test?

    Worse than that — it lowers the bar for prospective machines to qualify as intelligent.

  72. 72
    skepticcanary

    Glad to see you all enjoying my handiwork! :)

  73. 73
    Amphiox

    Chopra is now obsolete?

    Was there ever a spacetime wherein he was not?

  74. 74
    Nes

    Wow… I think about 85% of the ones I’ve seen so far sound like him *and* make “sense” (or what passes for sense in the woo world).

    Took quite a while to get an animal (elephants are birds, apparently), and just like in real life, I still haven’t seen a god.

  75. 75
    'Tis Himself

    Good job, skepticcanary. You have captured the essence quantum of Choptra.

  76. 76
    Alex

    Congratulations whoever programmed this. You just gave DC a tool for quadrupling his book production without even making an effort.

    Anyhow. It sounds like a fun game to get high and then take turns interpreting these automatic deepities.

  77. 77
    Grumps

    “God unfolds into the mechanics of destiny”

    - well, duh!

    “Love creates intrinsic sexual energy”

    - I like this one.

    “Freedom is inside quantum joy”

    - Quantum joy! I love it.

  78. 78
    Amphiox

    Quantum joy, eh?

    Discrete, isolated, and very, very small bits of joy?

    I prefer my joys and freedoms analog, thank you very much.

  79. 79
    Grumps

    Ah, but with quantum joy you can have the same joy in two places at the same time, can’t you? (Or something spookily, quantumy similar.)

  80. 80
    Grumps

    “Gravity magnets disturb quantum tomatoes.”

    … oops, wrong bot.

  81. 81
    pentatomid

    “Quantum physics comprehends quantum joy.”

    Hell yeah!

  82. 82
    Stella

    “Greatness illuminates a symphony of energy.”

    *Hallelujah chorus*

    OMG you guys, that’s it! It all makes sense now!

  83. 83
    Alex

    “Quantum physics comprehends quantum joy.”

    I’ll tell that to quantum mechanics students, I’m sure they’ll appreciate it.

  84. 84
    Rutee Katreya

    Holy shit, when I clicked the link I was totally expecting to make a joke about how I expected a bot… XD

  85. 85
    gragra, something clever after the comma

    It’s way better if you add “in my ass” at the end.

    “Freedom heals the flow of sensations in my ass”

    “Infinity creates reckless mysteries in my ass”

    “Good health depends on your own silence in my ass”

    “Perceptual reality comprehends a symphony of destiny in my ass”

  86. 86
    g.o.laun

    I slapped some of the “wisdom” on random pictures like a demotivational poster.
    “Awareness is the continuity of spontaneous potentiality” is on a picture of fall trees by a river and “Imagination undertakes an abundance of destiny” is on a glacier picture.

  87. 87
    NotAProphet

    It’s broken. I got:

    “Evolution explains unique mysteries”

  88. 88
    earlycuyler

    Deepak was only the first step. I have almost finished the Fundieanator (patent pending) with input from Hovind,Ham, and Craig!!

    (Hey, I live in Louisiana;I have the customer base. I’ll make millions)

  89. 89
    imthegenieicandoanything

    And I’m so old I can remember when DC was “cutting edge”!

    Wait a second…

    No, actually I can’t remember any such time. From my earliest memory of DeeCho, he was already a shit-vomiting fool.

    Maybe it was true way back when my grandfather wore an onion in his belt? But I doubt it.

    And yet there are far, far worse people, however ridiculous and empty and useless the Grand Pseudoguru is.

  90. 90
    Balstrome

    The world will end when this bot gets to do a TED talk.

  91. 91
    Johnny Vector

    You know what a Markov chain is? It’s a chain I go and get and beat you with until you realize who’s in ruttin’ charge.

    …oooh, sparkly…

  92. 92
    Amphiox

    And I’m so old I can remember when DC was “cutting edge”!

    Was that of the wrist-slitting or throat-slitting variety?

  93. 93
    SC (Salty Current), OM

    Chopra is now obsolete?

    Was there ever a spacetime wherein he was not?

    Spacetime is a symphony of desire.

    Desire is the negation of obsolescence.

    ***

    The world unfolds into subtle chaos
    in bed

    is actually quite beautiful.

  94. 94
    dean

    Chopra is now obsolete?
    Was there ever a spacetime wherein he was not?

    Quantum space, obviously.

  95. 95
    jamesheartney

    “The cosmos transcends boundless knowledge”

    I believe the neo-Chopra is channelling another famous mystic, Buzz Lightyear, with his immortal “To infinity! And beyond!”

  96. 96
    Harbinger

    It’s like snarXiv, but for Chopra.

    Brilliant.

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