Nadia Bloom is a young girl who was lost in Florida, and was found by a fervent Christian who went off into the swamps babbling in tongues and praying to God to lead him to her. As you might guess, all the other rescue workers and volunteers are now forgotten, the prolonged search is unimportant, and all that matters is the one fellow fortunate enough to stumble into her was a Bible thumper. Isn’t that sweet?

Now the newspaper is running a poll with a stupid question. Just look at the answer that is winning:

Members of Metro Church in Winter Springs, which Nadia Bloom used to attend, call her rescue by former member James King a miracle. Is it?

Yes. God must have directed James King to where Nadia was. How else to explain it?
54%

No. Couldn’t we just chalk this up to chance, persistence and/or good luck?

27%

Maybe. How can we ever know for sure?
19%

If you feel like answering yes, I have a follow-up question. A quick google search easily turns up lots of names of young girls who are missing, and then turn up dead. Where was God for
Marisa Spoonhunter,

Jahmeshia Conner,

Morgan Dana Harrington,

Aisling Symes,

Shaniya Davis,

Cassandra Hodges,

Sandra Cantu,

Jada Justice,

Sommer Thompson,

Mackenzie Cowell,

Anna Le, and

Olivia Rutherford? Were they just too wicked? Was God too busy making sure the right football teams won?

Maybe answer #1 should be rephrased. “Yes. God is a capricious bastard.”

Bleh. I hate this poll. I suspect any pharyngulation is going to be diluted because there isn’t going to be much unanimity of response to it, either. And answers 1 & 3, and answers 2 & 4, are pretty much equivalent, so they’re already splitting the votes no matter what your position.

Should President Obama choose a nominee who is Protestant to get religious diversity on the court?

Yes. Like it or not, this nation’s history is bound to religion. Protestants should be represented on the court.

20%

No. Justices are supposed to rule based on the law and the Constitution. Religion shouldn’t’ matter.

41%

Yes. Just as the president should be mindful of gender and race in his selections, he also should take religion into consideration.

15%

No. This is a secular nation. It’s absurd to suggest that a nominee’s religion should get any consideration.

24%

Personally, I don’t care if another Catholic is appointed, or a Protestant, or an atheist, or a Muslim. All I care about is that whoever it is had better damned well be intelligent and progressive, to counter the Scalia/Thomas/Roberts axis of reactionary stupidity.

The Hobby Lobby craft store apparently flogs Christianity fairly heavily during the Easter season — not just because it’s a crafty time of year, but because by their own admission, they are using the stores to proselytize. A customer named Sarah complained that it was “exclusive and insensitive”. She got the run-around by some utterly oblivious service representative, who among many other things, said Since we know that Christ is the only way to heaven; it would truly be insensitive for us not to share Christ with the world.

Of course, they have the right to do that…just as godless consumers of craft products should now be looking around for an alternative source. But first, we get to slam a poll!

Whose side are you on in this situation?

Hobby Lobby 44%
Sarah 34%
John Locke 22%

The John Locke answer is going to split the vote, I’m afraid.

Here’s what we’re used to: crazy poll choices that make the right answer obvious.

Do you support attempts by atheists Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens to have Pope Benedict XVI arrested over his handling of child sex abuse claims?

Yes, what happened to these children is horrific and the Pope should be held accountable for his role in the cover-up.

71%
No, they are using the terrible tragedy of child sex abuse to pursue their vendetta against religion.

29%

Next, we’ll have a poll about adult rape cases in which one question tries to distract everyone from the guilty by deploring the terrible tragedy of what happened to the women and the vendetta feminists have against men.

The New Humanist has a poll that is being crashed by apologists for Catholicism…I think. The problem is that they’ve worded the alternatives so almost all of the choices (#3 clearly sucks) have some reasonable elements to them. Which means, as usual, you’ll have to go over there and think about which little button you want to click on.

Do you think the Pope should face legal action over the Catholic child abuse cover-ups?

Yes. This cover-up appears to go to the very top and its perpetrators must face justice.

20%

Yes. While it’s unlikely the Pope will end up in the dock, suggestion of a legal challenge during his UK visit will draw attention to the extent of the cover-up.

26%

No. This looks like atheist posturing. We need to join with Catholics in calling on the Vatican to come clean on this issue, and talk of arresting the Pope will just alienate them.

9%

No. This is about many individual, horrific cases of abuse spread over decades. It is a distraction to try and attribute responsibility to one man.

43%

It hardly seems sporting, it’s already sailing off in the right direction. But anyway, have fun with it.

Should the Pope be charged with ‘crimes against humanity’, over the alleged cover-up of sexual abuse in the Catholic Church?

Yes 76.7%

No 23.3%

My one reservation is all the focus on The Pope. Shouldn’t we just declare the Vatican a rogue state, send in the Marines, and mop up the whole mess? Then we could pay for the whole operation with an art sale, just like we’re paying for Iraq with all that oil.

Stupid question, stupid comment, and insufficiently intelligent responses. Teach South Africa what it means to rouse the indignation of Pharyngula.

Do you believe in evolution?

The debate over the origin of mankind’s existence has been raging for ages.

Yes 61%
No 39%

On that crazy story about the Catholics suing Baltimore, I overlooked a poll. It needs fixin’.

Pregnancy counseling center lawsuit

Do you agree with the archdiocese that Baltimore’s law requiring pregnancy centers to post signs stating that they do not provide abortions or birth control referrals is a violation of freedom of speech and religion?

Yes
54%

No
44%

Not sure
2%

Just to clarify the clumsily worded question, right now 54% of the respondents think the Catholic Church is being oppressed by being asked to be truthful about the services their pregnancy centers provide.

I guess it is terribly cruel of us to tell a church they shouldn’t lie or hide the facts.

I fear I’m about to stomp a bit hard on another poll — this one has my name on it, and is for Minnesota Blogger of the Year. This is kind of a nice friendly poll, so I feel a bit bad about demolishing it, but I have to stand on principle. Crush it, gang, crush it bad.

It might be nice if you looked at the list of nominees, of course, and the fellow in the lead, Robert Erickson, was very amusing in his confrontation with teabaggers…but it’s an online poll. I cannot resist. It must be pharyngulated.

They run the country, they surround us, they get cranky if you even question their deity…but they’re so darn persecuted.

Do you think persecution of Christians will come to America?

No, I don’t believe it’s an issue 5.76%
I don’t know 3.84%
Yes, but in the future 13.06%
Yes, and soon 34.57%
It is already here 42.76%

Pitiful. Wah, wah, wah…make them cry some more, persecute them by going clicky-clicky on a little button on the internet.