The best gods are the spider gods


This True News Story missed the most important detail.

After long eras of systemic racial discrimination by humanity, God has clarified he will keep inventing new, terrible kinds of spider until we stop.

“Okay guys,” said God after Donald Trump’s second attempt at a travel ban, while screwing giant mandibles onto the front of a new tarantula model. “You brought this one on yourselves, though.”

If they’d thought to look closely at the god doing the speaking, they might have noticed that he looks like this:

Or this:

Everyone knows the True Name of God is Iktomi, or Anansi. He’s creating new spiders to build webs in our bones if we don’t stop. He’s not trying to get you to stop, though, he’s just anticipating that your eye sockets and rib cages will provide plenty of homes for his children.

Comments

  1. unclefrogy says

    in so far that gods have a gender I would have thought it would be more proper to refer to god as female especially if the “form” would be a spider
    “she’s just anticipating that your eye sockets and rib cages will provide plenty of homes for her children.”
    who else could weave such a world as this one?
    uncle frogy

  2. blf says

    Do the elder ones like be referred to as spiders?

      ─────────────────────────

    A really groovy spidergod might be La Princesse, “a 15-metre (50-foot) mechanical spider designed and operated by French performance art company La Machine. […] Arts reviewer Lyn Gardner wrote in The Guardian ‘There were times when it seemed to be leading the entire population of the city on a merry dance, like some kind of arachnid pied piper’ [in Liverpool, England].”

  3. vucodlak says

    I may not like spiders, but I do like this song, which seems appropriate to share here:

    Spiders Bride by The Machine in the Garden
    We are watching while sleep
    We are the nightmares in your dreams
    We are everywhere (everywhere) we are everywhere

    We are the ones snatching souls
    We are the ones in control
    We are everywhere (everywhere) we are everywhere

    Come, let pull my arms around you
    Come, let me pray beside you
    Come let me show you a true god

    Come, let throw my arms around you
    Come, let me pray beside you
    Come let me show you a true god

    Eight-legged angels spin by night
    Catching all misguided flying by
    A living god who waits patiently- without a twitch
    Body-snatching technique
    Very quick

    Come, let pull my arms around you
    Come, let me pray beside you
    Come let me show you a true god

    Come, let throw my arms around you
    Come you let me prey beside you
    Come let me show you a true god

    Don’t lie
    Why do you lie?
    Don’t deny it to yourself this time

    Apologies for any errors in transcription. Also for leaving out the background lyrics, which I can’t make out well enough to attempt to transcribe.

  4. wcaryk says

    Incidentally, PZ (I’m going to assume you got that from Neil Gaiman), I had a girlfriend who managed a bookstore. One of the less desirable jobs was being the person who had to spend their entire day schlepping around whatever author was in town for a book signing. Except when it was Gaiman; then there were practically fist fights over who got the privilege. Apparently he’s the nicest bloke in the world.

    — cary

  5. mountainbob says

    Don’t think dude-gendered arachnids give much thought to their progeny… just want to get that spermatophore in the right place before they croak. It’s the dudette spidee types that might be giving more thought to the spiderlings. Good to remember that the dudes only do “it” once. The dudettes may go through the process more than a score of times, depending on the particular species.

  6. John Morales says

    [mountainbob, I’m not much on semiotics of language, but surely employing a feminised form of the masculine is not that transgressive.

    (In the more Anglic sphere, that would have been ‘laddetes’)]

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