I refuse to believe the media is tainted


It cannot be. For example, this story from the Daily Express, an unimpeachable source (tabloid: it means “concentrated, easily assimilable”), and besides, I want it to be true: “A KILLER giant squid that can hypnotise its prey and paralyse humans at a distance of 150 feet using poisonous venom is being developed as a secret weapon by Vladimir Putin, a scientist has claimed.” Entirely plausible. Especially since it is accompanied by evidence, a blurry photo of an octopus.

Dr Padalka said the octopus, which was discovered in a fresh water lake trapped beneath two miles of ice, possessed an array of weapons and was responsible for the deaths of at least two of his scientific colleagues on the expedition.

He said: “We encountered Organism 46-B on our first day. It disabled our radio – which we later learned, to our alarm, was intentional.

“It is also able to paralyse prey from a distance of up to 150 feet by releasing its venom into the water.

“Tragically my colleague and lifelong friend was killed this way. He tread water wearing a blissful smile as the organism approached him.

Further proof: no one would lie about the death of a lifelong friend. I have seen this same argument effectively deployed in arguments for the existence of Jesus. If you believe in Jesus, you must accept this story.

“We watched helplessly as it used its arms to tear off its head then popped its remains in its mouth. It was as if it had hypnotised him telepathically.”

This, too, has the ring of truth. That’s exactly what I would do if I were an intelligent predatory squid with telepathy, poison venom, and an array of weapons.

The 33 foot-long man-eater also boasts extraordinary camouflage that helped it stalk the researchers – including shape-shifting.

Dr Padalka said: “The shapeshifting capabilities of organism 46-B sound almost diabolical. It shaped itself into the form of a human diver.

Likewise. This is exactly how I’ve fooled humans for more than half a century.

He revealed the octopus could also use its tentacles to kill, even after they had been hacked off its body.

Dr Padalka claimed another of his colleagues were killed by a tentacle many hours after slicing it off with an axe.

He said: “Later that night it slithered across the ice bank and strangled her.”

Seems only fair. I note that the scientist mutilated the squid/octopus first, so this was appropriate retaliation.

He said: “Some species of octopus lay 200,000 eggs. Imagine if they were deposited in reservoirs and lakes across North America.”

Shhhh. Now there’s irresponsible journalism, revealing top secret plans.


  1. freemage says

    Okay, I need to develop an Organism 46-B stat-block for my upcoming Savage Worlds/Rifts RPG campaign.

  2. slithey tove (twas brillig (stevem)) says

    not being an expert, that does not look octopody, more squidy (helmet and all). but me no cephalophile. so wat do I kno?

  3. slithey tove (twas brillig (stevem)) says

    It disabled our radio – which we later learned, to our alarm, was intentional.

    ORLY? How did it? How did you find out it was intentional? Did you ask it, and it told you?
    [man my forehead is sore from all the headslaps I’m doin]

  4. davidnangle says

    So, MY diabolical plot to take over the world involves killing all humans that enter the core of the planet. So far, I haven’t experienced much success. This Putin fellow must be some sort of a genius, designing something that kills people in bodies of water! He’ll have those aquatic apes on their knees in no time!

  5. says

    Is this the same rag that had the famous headline “Gorden Ramsay dwarf porn double found suffocated in badger burrow”? (Or something to that effect.)

  6. komarov says

    So. . . .
    C. Michael Forsyth is psychic?

    No, merely controlled by telepathic freshwater squid. All is well, no cause for concern.

  7. annetaylor says

    I’ve got questions:
    Is it possible to have a fresh water lake under a glacier? I know saltwater/brine doesn’t readily freeze, but wouldn’t freshwater just turn to ice?

    Wouldn’t a squid’o’puss starve in a freshwater lake under a glacier? How could there be enough to eat for it to get ginormous?

    What was the tabloid editor smoking when he signed off on this, um…, tale? Were he and the editor working the same pipette?

  8. Owlmirror says

    (following up on ralfmuschall @#10:)
    I see the plagiarists left off the last two paragraphs and the copyright:

    The Russian government calls the whistleblower’s claims preposterous.
    “It is laughable. Ho, ho, ho,” declared Mikhail Belochkin of the Bureau of Truthful Information. “It sounds like something you might see on one of your science fiction TV channels. The Cold War is over, my friends. If our scientists made a discovery of such magnitude, do you seriously doubt that we would share it with the world?”
    Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

  9. UnknownEric the Apostate says

    Once I ran to them (I ran)
    now I run from them
    this tainted news they’re givin’
    they’ll give you all that ratings can give them
    take Trump’s tweets and that’s not nearly allllll
    tainted media (whoa-oh-oh)
    tainted media

  10. Larry says

    I, for one, welcome our new Hypno-Squid overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted blog poster, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underwater human dissection caves.

  11. rietpluim says

    What, it doesn’t have laser eyes and can’t even teleport itself into the lakes in America?
    Sorry, not impressed.

  12. microraptor says

    A telepathic cephalopod monster? That’s the dumbest thing I ev- ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!

  13. konservenknilch says

    The entire article is a case of “wot?” but this here: “Dr Padalka said: “The shapeshifting capabilities of organism 46-B sound almost diabolical. It shaped itself into the form of a human diver.”


  14. taraskan says

    I’m at the point in my life where I hold more contempt for the believers of bullshit than its peddlers. In a more perfect world I would have every article of woo disclaimed, footnoted, and officially uncertified whether it’s a state-issued plaque behind a tarot reader’s table, a health-and-safety booklet in a chiropractor’s office, a boldfaced line under a newspaper horoscope, asterisked illuminated highway-facing church signage (*Christ is Risen *allegedly). And yet they’d all still get to do it if they were so regulated.

    But their readership/customer base, that I can’t change or even understand, so they have to be the more aggravating. And I know even weaponized squid has its audience since I have witnessed people flip through tabloids such as these on line in shops, put them in their cart, and then show them to me with wide frightened eyes.

  15. isochron says

    I think someone watched the Red Dwarf episode “Back to Reality” rather too close to getting a bad night’s sleep.

  16. eveningperson says

    This is one of the newspapers that keeps telling its users that Britain is booming since the vote to leave the EU (“Brexit”).

    It also frequently headlines fake extreme weather forecasts and health cures on its front page.

  17. Ogvorbis: I have proven my humanity and can now comment! says

    Keep in mind that Object 44Z was the Carpet Monster , alias, The Rug of Smothering. A subspecies of this particularly dangerous creature (which evolved, concurrently, in both medieval castles (hanging on the walls ( Hibernicamonstrum tapetibus )) and Ottoman palaces (on the floor ( Hibernicamonstrum solumii)). It is unknown how the Russians were able to obtain samples of this rare organism, though a breeding pair was captured after, in December 1917, Armenian nationalists, working through the Armenian Congress of Eastern Armenians, established a military force to fight Turkey. This force, apparently, brought Carpet Monsters out of Turkey and into what became the Caucasus republics of the USSR.

    Sorry I don’t have more information, but I haven’t been in MI since last century.

  18. richardh says

    telepathy, poison venom, and an array of weapons.

    Not to mention fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and near fanatical devotion to the Pope!

    What, so it injects the venom by telepathy? Or is this some novel “venom” that works by contact?

  19. robro says

    Speaking of tabloid reality…there was a story in the Guardian yesterday that the King of Tabloids, Rupert Murdoch, will likely loose his $100M investment in Theranos (blood testing), which was brought down in part by investigative stories from his flagship newspaper, the Wall Street Journal. What a way to hedge your bets.