Colbert has still got it. He developed an instant Christianity test, just like the Republican presidential candidates want.

If you want to know if somebody is Christian, just ask them to complete this sentence: Jesus said ‘I was hungry,’ and you gave me something to eat, ‘I was thirsty,’ and you gave me something to drink, ‘I was a stranger,’ and you…

And the answer is…

And if they don’t say ‘welcomed me in,’ they are either a terrorist or they are running for president.

There’s still a few bugs in the test, particularly all the false positives. I test as Christian.


  1. says

    Actually, it gets better. The story ends with:

    For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. 43I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’

    44“Then they will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?’

    45“And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’

    However, it kind of gets weird with the people then being shuffled off separately to heaven and hell. Still, that’s a good ‘un on the Bible thumpers.

  2. blf says

    Republicans like to invoke the Bible yet ignore what it teaches about refugees:

    Deeply religious and conservative Americans support Republican positions — but not when they advocate turning away the vulnerable

    As Republican lawmakers push to ban refugees, they should realize that, in doing so, they aren’t just being incredibly callous to people fleeing a war zone — they are alienating many of the evangelical Christians who are so central to the party’s base.

    The Republican party has been quick to claim the Bible’s authority in opposing gay marriage — an “authority” built on a handful ofcontroversial verses. But when it comes to giving aid to needy widows and orphans from Syria, these lawmakers ignore the staggering number of biblical passages related to compassion, hospitality and loving one’s enemies.

  3. Bernard Bumner says

    As someone else pointed out, the celebrated central narrative of Christianity begins with desperate migrants granted shelter thanks to the kindness of strangers. One of them was also an unmarried teen and pregnant by someone other than her fiancé. It is a litany of right wing concerns.

  4. laurentweppe says

    There’s still a few bugs in the test, particularly all the false positives. I test as Christian.

    You’re neither a terrorist nor running for president, ergo Colbert’s test worked.

  5. consciousness razor says

    Well, it is sort of understandable why Bush and friends would conclude that. We clearly don’t need any more people running for president, so they’re probably terrorists.

  6. unclefrogy says

    if this is the level of political ideas coming out this election cycle I am kind of dreading the next year in the news.
    some tell me that it is impossible for the right wing to get one of their spoke buffoons elected to the white house.
    uncle frogy

  7. Cosimo says

    Come on. JC was talking to his tribe. Not to the goyim. That’s what he meant by ‘brothers and sisters’. JC was a xenophobe. Recall Matthew 15:21-29, among other passages of the gospels.

  8. laurentweppe says

    I think we should acknowledge that Colbert is a devout Catholic.

    And few groups have had to deal with the bullshit of conmen hiding behind false piety for longer than devout Catholics

  9. chrislawson says

    Cosimo — that’s not a great example. While Jesus does say his purpose is to help exclusively the “lost sheep of the House of Israel”, when the Canaanite woman impresses him, he heals her daughter anyway.

    In other words, the Republicans (and let’s not forget, a fair few contemptible Democrats) are behaving more basely than the worst things Jesus said.

  10. Lady Mondegreen says

    JC was a xenophobe

    As the Gospels were written, copied, and redacte over a period of decades, by multiple people, people with widely differing theologies and politics, we have no way of knowing what the historical JC, assuming he existed, believed.

    You can find contradictory verses. That’s what makes the New Testament (like the rest of the Bible) such a Rorscach test.

    But there were definite pro-inclusivity anti-xenophobia threads in the Gospels. The most famous is probably the parable of the Good Samaritan. Samaritans were despised by the Jews.

  11. kaleberg says

    Christianity started out as a religion only open to Jews, but became more catholic. (That’s with a little ‘c’.)

    Islam started out that way too. Originally, it was impossible to convert to Islam. The conquering armies kept to themselves which is why they founded so many new cities near old ones e.g. Cairo near Memphis. Later they became more catholic. (Again, that’s a little ‘c’.)

  12. Sili says

    I’d actually love to see a flowdiagram/test to check what sorta heresies sois-disant Christians subscribe to in their own idiosyncratic interpretations of the faiths.

  13. voyager says

    I’m never sure if I should be offended by the word goyim. It always seems to be used in such a derogatory way.

  14. slithey tove (twas brillig (stevem)) says

    re @14:
    conundrum yes. similar to my experiences with the japanese word for non-japanese people:gaijin.

    “While the term itself has no derogatory meaning, it emphasizes the exclusiveness of Japanese attitude and has therefore picked up pejorative connotations that many Westerners resent.” Mayumi Itoh (1995)[3]

    When visiting Japan (twice only), never heard myself called it, only other non japanes calling ourselves. I always would shudder, not knowing whether to be offended or not. Not speaking the language, just let it pass. Even looking it up in that quote, there, still puzzled.

  15. aerinha says

    I’m a goy, and a shiksa and the reason I don’t care much if anyone calls me those things(or gringo, gaijin, or cracker) is that those names have never hurt anything about me except my feelings. I’m not in any danger of any sort, physical or social. I’m not going to lose a job, or a roof over my head, or get pulled over by the police for being in the wrong spot.
    Aw, my feelings got slightly bruised. Big deal. Maybe it will help me remember all the names that people get called that also put them at risk of far, far more than just feeling excluded from some group, like there’s one table at the high school that I am not welcome to sit at.

  16. usagichan says

    slithey tove (twas brillig (stevem))@15

    I’ve lived in Tokyo for about 7 1/2 years now, and hardly ever heard the term “Gaijin” used towards me. Expats often seem to use the term as a defense mechanism (saying ‘I’m just a “Bakka gaijin”‘ – stupid foreigner, will almost always have the ultra polite Japanese falling over themselves to assure you that you are not, and struggling to talk in English to make up for it. Seems like a cheap trick to me – I prefer to struggle with inadequate Japanese (since this is Japan after all) – but outside Ultra Right Wing protests (I used to work near the Russian Embassy – “Gaijin Deteke” – Foreigners Get Out was a common chant) I hardly ever hear it in everyday use)

    And on topic, seems to me that if there were some sort of Christianity Test, a large portion of Christians would no doubt fail it. After all they rarely seem to have looked in that big book they apparently hold so dear!