A peek into the paranoid brain of Coach Daubenmire


I hadn’t heard from Coach Daubenmire in a while, but I knew that when he popped up again, it would be remarkably nutty. That’s what he does. And here he comes, weeping for Kent Hovind.

I have to be honest with you. I think about it often. Not a night goes by when I do not think about it as I crawl in my warm bed beside my sweet wife of 35 years.

Whoa, Coach, that’s rather personal, and we really don’t need to hear about it…

‚ÄúWill this be the night that the black limos pull in my driveway? Is this the night that the SWAT Team goons bust down my door and haul me off to the slammer?‚ÄĚ

Oh. Well. That’s really weird. In fact, it’s remarkably paranoid. I just so happen to have a sweet wife of 35 years, too, and a warm bed, and I’ve never had the slightest concern about the police busting into my house. I guess that’s one of the privileges of being white, middle-class, and having a clean conscience. So why is Coach worried that he’ll get arrested?

I am being dead serious. I really do think about it every night because that is what they did to Dr. Kent Hovind.

Actually, no, they didn’t. Not even close.

The Hovinds were depositing somewhere between $1 and $2 million dollars in their bank account every year from their Dinosaur Adventure Land business, but somehow, mysteriously, they also claimed to have no income at all. Meanwhile, they had employees for whom they never paid any taxes — almost half a million dollars was due. In one month before their arrest, they stealthily withdrew $430,000 dollars in sums just under $10,000 at a time to avoid bank reporting requirements.

This was white collar crime of a particularly blatant sort. The litany of his offenses was long and damning. There was a SWAT team involved in the arrest, because Hovind also had guns all over the place.

Unless Coach Daubenmire has been raking in lots of cash and not reporting his income honestly to the IRS, he shouldn’t be worrying.

Strangely, Daubenmire goes all bleeding heart over Hovind’s plight.

Prison is a place for violent, hardened criminals. It is not a place for people who simply violate codes, statutes, and ordinances. Sentencing to prison a non-violent individual simply for breaking a ‚Äúlaw‚ÄĚ is inhuman. It is, in fact, a life sentence in that it destroys the perpetrator, the family, and the financial future of the family. The punishment does not fit the crime. Restitution‚Ķpaying back the victim plus damages‚Ķis the solution spelled out in the Bible.

But Daubenmire thinks Obama ought to go to prison for Obamacare. I suspect his views on prison might be colored by the fact that his son is a convicted pedophile.

Kent Hovind is a perfect example of the tyranny of the legal system. Known lovingly as Dr. Dino because of his affinity for dinosaurs, he is one of the nation’s foremost apologists for Creation Science.

No, he calls himself “Dr Dino”.

In many ways Kent Hovind is a political prisoner. It was what you would expect in a communist country like North Korea.

Classic Daubenmire hyperbole.

This guy is so stupid I just can’t go on. It’s actually kind of amazing: you deal with Kent Hovind for years, and you’re thinking that you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here…and then you encounter the fanatical defenders of Hovind, and you realize there are people who are even more ignorant.

Comments

  1. Akira MacKenzie says

    Will this be the night that the black limos pull in my driveway? Is this the night that the SWAT Team goons bust down my door and haul me off to the slammer?

    I may a layman on such matters, but what law enforcement agency uses limousines as armored personnel carriers?

    Restitution…paying back the victim plus damages…is the solution spelled out in the Bible.

    So buying your way out of punishment is moral? Why not? It works for those paragons of virtue on Wall Street.

    Does anyone besides me think the Coach is looking to add some superfluous punctuation marks to his name?

  2. David Marjanovińá says

    Hovind also had guns all over the place

    Oh. I didn’t know that.

    Not that I’m surprised…

  3. whheydt says

    The IRS would far rather get the money it is owed than jail someone. Putting the guy in jail cost money and doesn’t generate revenue. Had Hovind gone for Daubenmire’s Biblical solution, he wouldn’t *be* in jail.

    On the other hand…Hovind’s shenanigans in jail are likely to keep him there a fair while longer and if he keeps it up, he may even manage to keep himself there permanently. Hovind is his own worst enemy.

  4. says

    I have to disagree. These days it’s not all that paranoid to consider that a SWAT team could come barging into your house. Not because you broke the law, but because some asswipe with a grudge thinks that falsely calling in a SWAT raid is a reasonable and appropriate way to deal with someone they don’t like or for the lulz.

  5. drst says

    Tabby @ 5 – of course if a “SWAT” team pulled up in a limo I think that would be a giveaway that they weren’t for real.

  6. k_machine says

    “Sentencing to prison a non-violent individual simply for breaking a ‚Äúlaw‚ÄĚ is inhuman. ”
    I wonder if this extends to people sentenced for narcotics possession.

  7. Becca Stareyes says

    k_machine, I suspect that it depends on the ‘character’ of the accused. A working-class black guy who smokes pot on days off is clearly a violent individual; while a rich white dude who smokes pot on days off is just a man who needs to unwind from a stressful week of job creation.

    Just like Obama should go to prison, but Kent Hovind should not. Clearly one is a good Christian who made some mistakes, while the other is an evil godless crypto-Muslim out to sabotage America.

  8. twas brillig (stevem) says

    Coach wrote:

    Restitution…paying back the victim plus damages…is the solution spelled out in the Bible.

    Oh, so that makes our “imprisoning white-collar criminals” unconstitutional, cuz our Constitution is totally based on the Bible? What of our concept of prison is also Punishment for criminal behavior and not just a form of “restitution”?

    Coach also wrote:

    Known lovingly as Dr. Dino because of his affinity for dinosaurs, [Hovind] is one of the nation’s foremost apologists for Creation Science.

    “affinity for dinosaurs” and “Creation Science”, is contradictory. And “Creation Science” is itself an oxymoron. I think he is called Dr. Dino, not lovingly, but because he is being mocked for Creation Science as somewhat a dinosaur in his thinking.

    without Google-ing it myself, Who is this Coach, and a coach of what; where; for who? I hope it is purely a physical skills coach. His paranoia is quite inappropriate for teaching skill. ;-(

  9. damiki says

    I’m a classic bleeding heart, and yet, no bleeding for Dr. Dino.

    Perhaps I need some blood thinners…

  10. neuroturtle says

    He gets one and only one thing right: the American prison system is fucked.
    What he doesn’t seem to understand is that Hovind has the potential to do far more damage to society with his theft than your run-of-the-mill purse snatcher. He absolutely deserves to be removed from it.

  11. HargMarglin says

    drst @6
    If they pulled up in a limo they’d be followed by loud dance music and rapid rhythmic removal of their SWAT gear!
    Boom chaka boom…

  12. mirele says

    And I’m crazy enough to put up a website trying to answer all the crazy coming from Kent Hovind’s defenders:

    http://www.hovindology.com

    I stick strictly to the legal stuff because I’m not a scientist. My degrees were in government and law. I let the experts handle the science (but for sure, I recognize that Kent doesn’t know what he’s talking about there either). I’ve made available documents that Kent had been promising to his followers for years, including trial transcripts and a complete copy of his sentencing transcript, plus dozens of motions and orders from the government and the judiciary over the past decade or so.

    It’s an ugly job but someone has to do it. I can’t believe I’ve made myself an expert on Kent Hovind’s legal problems.

  13. moarscienceplz says

    Sentencing to prison a non-violent individual simply for breaking a ‚Äúlaw‚ÄĚ is inhuman. It is, in fact, a life sentence in that it destroys the perpetrator, the family, and the financial future of the family. The punishment does not fit the crime. Restitution‚Ķpaying back the victim plus damages‚Ķis the solution spelled out in the Bible.

    Riiiight. So if I bilk a retired person out of their life savings and get caught, all I do is pay back the money and say I’m sorry? What if I do it to ten people and only get caught on 3 of them? Sounds like a no-lose lottery for con artists.

  14. Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :) says

    I guess that’s one of the privileges of being white, middle-class, and having a clean conscience.

    Or being white and upper-class, period. >.>

  15. kagekiri says

    Restitution…paying back the victim plus damages…is the solution spelled out in the Bible.

    Yeah, let’s follow the Bible’s rule on people who siphon money for themselves without telling anyone about it!

    And we’re not monsters with that Old Testament crap, we’ll follow what the early Christians did, you know, with the New Covenant and Holy Spirit and EVERYTHING WONDERFUL! They’re all about forgiveness!

    In Acts 5, Ananias and Sapphira sold some land, to give it for church charity, but secretly kept some of the money to themselves and lied to other people in the Church.

    God killed them each on the spot for their lies, striking fear into the entire Church.

    Yup, real Christians wouldn’t bother with this horrible trial and prison stuff. Public executions are where it’s at for true believers who lie about money!

    Morality!

  16. Steven Brown: Man of Mediocrity says

    As someone who is not a fan of prisons, although I’ll admit I’m also fairly uneducated about their efficacy, I actually tend to think he’s right about it not being a place for non-violent criminals.

    I also think that people who steal money, and tax avoidance IS theft to my eyes, should be punished far more harshly than simply repaying the money they owe plus some. Not sure what the punishment should be, maybe having to attend several years worth of civics classes, at their own expense, while undergoing some kind of financial management to make sure they appreciate how lucky they were to be in a position where they could commit the theft in the first place.

    Also, I wonder how Daubenmire feels about all those non-violent drug dealers/manufacturers? I imagine there are plenty of them in prison who have never been charged with a violent crime. I’m sure he wouldn’t have any problem with drug users being let out of prison (I know I wouldn’t) either.

  17. anat says

    The Hebrew Bible rule is that a thief pays double the value of the stolen goods, four or five times the value if the stolen goods are livestock. If anyone cares.

  18. Rich Woods says

    There was a SWAT team involved in the arrest, because Hovind also had guns all over the place.

    But they weren’t his guns! The church bought the guns, just like Jesus told them to (mumble quote mumble KJV mumble word o’the Lorrrd!).

    @mirele #15:

    I can’t believe I’ve made myself an expert on Kent Hovind’s legal problems.

    It’s a calling.

  19. Nick Gotts says

    Hovind is his own worst enemy. – whheydt@4

    This phrase always reminds me of the response attributed to British Labour politician and sometime foreign secretary Ernie Bevin, when told that another Labour politician (sources differ as to whether it was Nye Bevan or Herbert Morrison) was his own worst enemy:

    Not while i’m alive ‘e ain’t!

  20. marym says

    Daub’s son’s conviction of pandering child porn certainly influences Daub’s point of view. Zachary Daubenmire was convicted in 2008, lost the special ed. teaching/coaching position he had just gotten, attended and graduated from law school as a second career path and then applied for the Ohio bar but was denied. He petitioned the Ohio Supreme Court to find out why and for how long he would be denied. Here is the court’s decision :
    {¶ 19} Gov.Bar R. I(11)(D)(5)(a)(i) prohibits the Board of Commissioners
    on Character and Fitness from approving the character, fitness, and moral
    qualifications of a candidate who has been convicted of a felony before the
    candidate is released from parole, probation, community control, postrelease
    control, or prison. That rule, however, does not mandate the disapproval of
    applicants who remain obligated to register as sex offenders during the pendency
    of their applications. Nonetheless, we are troubled by the nature of Daubenmire’s
    conduct‚ÄĒwhich involved not only the downloading of pornographic photo and
    video images of minors, including young children, as found by the board, but also
    the online trading or sharing of those images with others‚ÄĒas well as the five-year
    duration of that conduct. We are also concerned that even as a college graduate,
    Daubenmire failed to appreciate the gravity of his conduct‚ÄĒor the fact that the
    children depicted in those illegal materials were, in fact, victims of his conduct‚ÄĒ
    until after he got caught. And we cannot overlook the very real possibility that
    admitting a presently registered sex offender to the practice of law will adversely
    affect the public’s perception of the profession as a whole. Thus, while the rules
    do not mandate that an applicant’s character, fitness, and moral qualifications be
    disapproved before the termination of the applicant’s duty to register as a sex
    offender, we conclude that it is in the best interest of the public and the profession
    that we do so here. SUPREME COURT OF OHIO
    8
    {¶ 20} Accordingly, we disapprove Daubenmire’s pending application,
    but we will permit him to reapply as a candidate for the July 2018 bar
    examination by submitting a new application to register as a candidate for
    admission to the bar and an application to take the bar examination. At that time,
    he shall submit to a full character and fitness investigation.
    Judgment

    So Daub’s son toils away as a law clerk with probably $200,000 or more worth of school loans.
    Also, Daub’s wife is a lovely woman who has been put through hell by her husband’s attention-seeking activities and her son’s conviction in my opinion. Add to that years of financial difficulties due to some very bad decisions. Her eyes look like she’s cried a million tears.

  21. Gvlgeologist, FCD says

    Restitution…paying back the victim plus damages…is the solution spelled out in the Bible.

    Pretty sure he’s refused to that, too.
    I guess that means he hates the bible.

  22. tamott55 says

    Authorities found pedophile movies and pictures on the FAMILY COMPUTER OF COACH DAVE Daubenmire!!! When Coach Dave talks about the “pedophiles are coming” he is talking about his pedophile son coming home for the holidays.
    Dave Daubenmire has a pedophile son…http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/1791954/posts Coach Dave’s son is a registered sex offender! Authorities found pedophile movies and pictures on the FAMILY COMPUTER OF COACH DAVE!!!! Lets see, in 2013 coach Dave was fired from Fairfield Christian Academy, yes a christian school. In 2014 coach Dave was rejected to coach at a Ohio public school, Lakewood high school in Licking county Ohio.This is so typical of the people that Rudy and Kent attract. ÔĽŅ