It’s sad, but it had to happen. Minnesota and Wisconsin are two Northern states, with similar past reputations as progressive and lefty, but we’ve grown apart, and it’s time for a divorce.
Everyone said we made such a cute couple. We were two young northern states with our whole lives ahead of us. We would teach our children to be humble and polite and to properly field dress a buck. We would shovel neighbors’ sidewalks and praise the architectural merits of their ice fishing shacks. We would bring kindness to the small, stand tall against the mighty and arrogant. Should they ever invite us to supper, we vowed to always bring a subpar tuna hotdish.
Everyone admired us, Wisconsin. At least when they thought of us. Which wasn’t very often. But still.
For the next century and a half, ours was a marriage tilled with a GMO-free mixture of tenderness, good will, and a mutual affection for Germanic sausages. We were the progressive antidote to Kentucky and Tennessee — only better, because we didn’t procreate with immediate family.
But four years ago, things began to change, Wisconsin. You know it’s true. And it all started when you let that mean little man Scott Walker into our loving marital abode.
That’s when you decided to bust the unions, believing our economic collapse could be blamed on the guy who mows the lawn in the park. You cut education, fought gay marriage, rejected health care. You and Scott began spending all night in the garage, cranking Toby Keith and mumbling bitterly about how the Mexicans were taking all the best parking spots at Old Country Buffet.
You’d turned into North Mississippi.
There is still hope for reconciliation. Madison is a lovely liberal city; I refuse to believe that the cheeseheads will be bought by the Koch Brothers forever. So maybe they can get better.
I suppose, though, it’s also possible that Minnesota could tumble into the slime with Wisconsin — we do have our own home-grown lunatic Republicans who want to kill all Muslims and gays. But I’m sorry, Wisconsin, your affection is not important enough that we’d want to go down that path.