Last year, there was a rather ridiculous tempest in a tea cup in which our local conservative “alternative” student newspaper, the Morris North Star, published some sick racist crap, and I suggested that the campus ought to throw the paper out, and then they threatened to sue me. Nothing happened, except that the North Star stopped publishing for the rest of the semester — I think they probably ran out of money.
This year, I thought we might be rid of them. Their lawyers had gone silent, and no more crappy editions appeared. Unfortunately, our luck has run out, and new slimy stuff has appeared.
I thought I’d do them a favor. Since they’re so touchy about people taking their paper — they now say on the cover,
First Copy: FREE. All subsequent copies are $5 — I thought I’d encourage you all to take zero copies. But if you’re really curious, I thought I’d be nice and summarize the content for you.
Cover: Eagle in the sky.
We Are Back. Really, we didn’t miss you guys.
Page 2: Staff list and contents. Most of the people seem to be named
Page 3: Public service announcement that the paper contains
SATIRE. A short letter from the publisher,
Geiger again, that promises an
alternative perspective, and multiple whines about how their issues were stolen last year.
Page 4: Two-page article by the
Geiger about how
Liberals are the New Conservatives. It’s incoherent. It seems to mainly be arguing that liberals are now the majority, so they’re the conservatives, while conservatives are growing, so someday they’ll be the liberals? What?
Page 6: Another two pages. It’s a table, titled
The Morris One Percent, listing the salaries of administrators and all the faculty at UMM (this is public information in Minnesota, so no big deal). If you must know, I’m listed with a salary of $63,100.
Fighting Morris Rape Culture: The 1% Who Assault the Rest of Us. It’s got nothing to do with rape, actually: they’re claiming that all those rich professors listed on the previous two pages, and particularly the administrators, are raping all the students. Every paragraph uses this metaphor, equating paying tuition to being raped. Yes, you are allowed to vomit now.
Page 9: Photographic evidence! They set up a camera and caught a couple of students throwing away their newspaper. Not mentioned is that these are really old copies from the middle of last spring semester — I’ve been wondering if the custodial staff was afraid to toss out the litter because of our litigious students. I was amused by one thing: the camera is clearly set up in the tunnel beneath the science building. They must have been hoping to catch me.
What is Academic Excellence for YOUR Race?, by a
Geiger. Long whine about how white people are held to a higher standard; photo of white student in middle of the page with caption,
Meet Justin. He’s whiter than paper but said he’s black so now held to lower standards. You can vomit again.
Page 11: Full page ad asking people to advertise with them.
Page 12: Three page article on
Islamic Rage and the Secular Retreat. Liberals are just not sufficiently intolerant to defeat the evil that is Islam. Includes a photo of militants shooting people, captioned
ISIS leaders or Sandy Olson-Loy enforcing the speech code? You decide. They really, really hate our vice-chancellor for student affairs, so much so that they’ll compromise a serious article by making a joke of murder. They also have a photo of ISIS troops rolling down a city street captioned
If you look hard enough, you might see President Obama’s cousin in the background. Surely you don’t have any vomiting left to do now, do you?
Page 15: Two-pager,
Ending Rape Culture: Stop Pretending Like There Is One. Basically a bunch of familiar MRA talking points and dismissal of rape. Opening line:
Because the line between real life and the programming on Lifetime is non-existent for college administrators, we get to hear a never-ending bitch-session from uppity lezbos about rape culture. In between multiple snipes at Sandy Olson-Loy (man, do they ever hate her), we get weird rationalizations about emasculating administrators.
And we know what they want because they’re stupid enough to tell us what they want. They want a sexless world, or a world freed from any fun sex. Apparently, diminishing rape on campus is synonymous with taking all the fun out of sex. Did you know there is an
extremely low female rape rate and the extremely high male rape rate? I didn’t either. Too bad your guts have been thoroughly purged by now, because this would be a really good time to puke.
Page 17: An ad! They actually got someone to advertise in their rag! It’s from something called the Golden Liberty Foundation, based in…Morris? Founded by a
The Importance of Tolerance. This one is completely out of tone with the rest of the paper; it’s a couple of pages on how we should be nice to one another. I think they asked a liberal for a contribution.
Page 20, the end at last: The back cover is simply three photos of three students, labeled
GUILTY. I presume these are the students who cleaned out the antiquated trash from the hallways?
That’s all. Now you may leave the rag to molder on their racks. I hope they can eventually be disposed of, though — they were cluttering up our nice clean shiny building for so long before.