What is it with the Sacred Lube?

It’s just one of those freakish religious practices I cannot comprehend, this strange “anointing” of heads and objects with oil. Why? Does their god just like his targets greased up? It’s especially inappropriate when a teacher regularly rubs magic lubricants onto her students.

A Norfolk teacher has resigned after it was discovered she was rubbing “holy oil” on students and their desks during school, a Norfolk Public Schools spokesperson said.

How stupid. Everyone knows that, in order to be effective, the proper way to bless the students is to decapitate a chicken at the lectern, and then swing it around your head by its feet to splatter the kiddies. At least the ones who aren’t crying afterwards will be very focused on everything you do.