The fundraiser that will decide whether Big Dave and I will have to shave off our beards has passed the halfway mark — you have donated £805.33 for Barnardo’s children’s charity — but I notice that some people are still voting “no beard”, and we can’t have that. To counter these weak sallies into beardlessness, I’m going to have to regularly remind you of glorious beards, and today we start at the top.
That’s right, people with beards have that aura of great majesty and power, just like Jehovah. Would you ask God to shave? Look at that glorious beard — it’s almost as good as Dan Dennett’s. You must vote for the beard.
Now you may be marshaling counterarguments in your head: “What about Buddha”, you’re thinking, and “Hardly any kind of god at all”, I reply, “When has Buddha ever annihilated a city with a column of fire?” Or you might be thinking “But I’m an atheist!” or “Hey, women don’t have beards, and they’re perfectly lovely”, to which I say “Satan! He’s got a beard, too.”
And see? He’s apparently a lesbian as well, so the ladies can feel comfortable voting for the feminist bearded option.
Do the right thing. Donate £2 or more, and vote FOR the beard.
P.S. The rules clearly state one vote per person, so if you’re thinking of maximizing your impact by donating £10 in 5 £2 votes, it won’t work. Just vote once. If you’ve already donated, you can ignore my pleas.