Protect the sanctity of heterosexual marriage!

California took such a brave leap last year to protect the purity of marriage by denying it to all of those with matching, instead of complementary, genitali; now John Marcotte wants to take the next logical step, and get an initiative on the California ballot to outlaw divorce. That’s an excellent idea; most marriages aren’t threatened by homosexuality at all (strangely, though, it’s the must fervent fundamentalists who are most tempted by the love that dare not speak its name), but they are at risk from divorce. Nothing would strengthen the institution of marriage more than making a wedding equivalent to a shackling.

I also like this idea because my marriage isn’t at risk for divorce anyway, so it doesn’t affect me at all, but the prospect of being able to meddle in other people’s lives and tell them exactly how they must act gives me a kind of head rush of power. All those women trapped in loveless marriages, or dominated by abusive husbands…nuh-uh, no way out for you, you get to suffer until you are dead! All those philandering men who can’t seem to find satisfaction with one woman, your days are done — we have to crack down on the wretched slugs who cheat on vows mandated by a loving God.

Next year, someone needs to get an anti-masturbation law on the slate. Then we need to outlaw birth control. If we meddle enough, I’m sure we can get to the point where every marriage is a perfect and happy one.