On the one hand, there is this incredibly tacky exploitation of the devout in the marketing of The Pope’s Cologne. It’s claimed to be produced according to some 19th century formula, straight from Pope Pius IX, who apparently went around dazzling the ladies with his bling and his expensive scent. On the other, there is this testimonial to the willingness of the devout to be taken. This poor woman’s husband has just died, and she’s handed a bottle labeled “The Pope’s Cologne”, so what happens?
What I experienced later will be a sight I will never forget!!! The widow used the cologne to “anoint” her husband EVERY 20 minutes. She would sprinkle it on his hands, his head, his forehead, and his neck. You could see in her eyes she had found a way of redemption through the cologne. Everyone was asking about the cologne and its origin. Everyone that came in to give her their condolences could not stop asking about the pleasant aroma they were experiencing. Everyone was quiet and in awe for hours. She also kept on rubbing the bottle as if it was some sort of amulet or charm.
I am a little bit creeped out. These poor grieving women, trying to find solace in a marketing scam.
At $26/bottle for a label, though, it’s quite the scam.
So I’m thinking…every day I put in some time working on the elliptical trainer, and I dribble out a good load of sweat. How much would you pay for a real, genuine, authentic vial of actual atheist sweat? $25.95? $25.75? $25.50? No. I’m practically giving it away for the low, low price of $25, even. And this isn’t just some smelly water cobbled up out of an old recipe, it’s actually right from my body, pungent and complex and thoroughly biological.
It’s incredibly useful. Not only will it drive away evangelical door-knockers, but you can anoint your beloved dead (anointing of the living not recommended) with it. You will get such great comments from the guests at the funeral: “Whooo-wee. He was a ripe old one, wasn’t he?” and “When’s the cremation? Soon, I hope.” And think of the money you’ll save on the reception afterwards: no one will have an appetite!
If enough of you order, it’ll also help motivate me to keep up the exercise program. “Ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching” with every step is an awfully good incentive.
I think I’ll call it…”Whiff of Mortality”.