1. Magnus Malmborn says

    Me too. I’ve never understood why anyone (male, at least) would want to drive a vehicle that practically scream: “I’ve got a small penis!”

  2. jeffk says

    I drive a hybrid.

    It’s half Hummer, half Escalade.

    I call it my Humscalade.

    (thanks Jon Stewart.)

  3. Jim says

    I’ve got an average penis, but I would gladly drive an H1 around, provided that I didn’t have to park it within 20 miles of a city. Also, provided that it came with the .50 Cal bed-mounted machine gun. Those H2s are just ridiculous — an SUV chassis with an armored assault vehicle body, too cumbersome and low-set to be useful as either.

  4. Jeff Schmidt says

    Is there any genuine reason to own a Hummer that isn’t satisfied by alternative, more reasonable vehicles? I certainly can’t think of any.

  5. KeithB says

    There is one driving around my neighborhood with the license: GODSHMMR.

    It makes me roll my eyes every time.

  6. Steve_C says

    I never understood the allure of big oversized rigs. Unless you have a huge family and a ton of stuff you need to lug around….

    I’d rather drive a fast and nimble car. Like the Mini.

    I think in 5-10 years you’ll see alot of SUVs selling cheap and no one will want them.
    Even if according to the Saudi’s they have a enough oil for 140 years… it’s only going to
    get more expensive.

  7. cactus says


    “I think in 5-10 years you’ll see alot of SUVs selling cheap and no one will want them.”

    That’s what scares the daylights out of me. 5 to 10 year old hand-me-downs are what high school students drive.

  8. says

    Women should be embarassed to drive Hummers, too. Where I live, it seems to be about 50/50. If you drive one, you’re telling everyone around you:

    F**k your family’s safety
    F**k your environment
    F**k your efforts to eliminate terrorism

    All because your man has a little penis.

  9. says

    Speaking of things that are the exact opposite of hummers, has everyone seen the new mini? It’s fuel efficiency rocks.

    Mine’s got the Mini beat cold.

    As for compensation in general — ever since I first saw one, I’ve been referring to one SUV model as the Lincoln Masturbator.

  10. Stogoe says

    I would love to have a Rabbit. Unfortunately, my student loans say I have to endure an old beater for several more lifetimes.

  11. junk science says

    The expressions on the locker room guys’ faces are hilarious.

    “Hey, how come one of your pubes isn’t black?”

  12. says

    I always just give the drivers of H2s the finger when I see them. The looks I get are great, although they usually understand immediately why they’re getting flipped off (I think it actually happens to them a lot). It serves a good purpose though, and others should do it. These people need to be reminded that not everyone thinks that conspicuous consumption and irresponsible environmental behavior is cool.

    Those sissies at FUH2 just give the car the finger. I think there’s no point unless the driver actually sees the finger, so I’ll often honk my horn or wave first so I make sure they see it.

  13. J Daley says

    Dummers are especially grating when they roar by halfway into the bike lane because they’re too large for the driver to see where the passenger side of the Dummer is. The only time seeing a Dummer makes me happy is when it’s engulfed by a Critical Mass (; although once here in Chicago a Dummer driver actually tried to plow through the mass. A couple bikes were smashed up and a couple people went to the hospital with minor injuries. The driver of the Dummer was arrested. Which was nice.

  14. CCP says

    Harper’s had a pretty funny article a few months ago by a guy who went to a Hummer convention/jamboree-type gathering with his brother (who owned one).
    Apparently the original H1 really is the best off-road vehicle available–it can scale boulders and hills that a Jeep cannot, remain stable at horrifying tilts with only 3 wheels down, etc. They are also designed to be airlifted and dropped…they’re really quite sturdy items. So if you’re a rich hermit living in a remote Mojave Desert mountain redoubt H1 ownership may–MAY–actually make sense. They certainly have no business being used as suburban station wagons!
    H2s can’t do anything a 4wd pickup can’t (after all, both are built on the same chassis, engine, trans and suspension) and thus have absolutely no good reason to exist. They feature fake airlifting hooks for appearance only, for example, and are generally just stupid. The H3 is, perhaps, even sillier.

  15. QrazyQat says

    I learned to drive in a 1960 Cadillac, reasonably fast, ill-handling, poor brakes, 10 mpg. Then we got a 1967 Volvo 142 (back when they were still low-priced cars); half the weight, 25 mpg, more room inside for front and back seats, more trunk room, better handling, great brakes, and almost exactly the same accelleration and top speed. Hmmmm…

  16. says

    I don’t give Hummer drivers the finger. I give them the forefinger and thumb very close together with a knowing smile that says “You got a little one.” :)


  17. BMurray says

    Is there any genuine reason to own a Hummer that isn’t satisfied by alternative, more reasonable vehicles? I certainly can’t think of any.

    For many urbanites you could safely replace “Hummer” with “private motor vehicle” there. Never owned one. Never will.

  18. natural cynic says

    About 25 years ago, the term Compensator was given to Camaros and Firebirds with flame detailing and it has been adopted to cover Hummers, Escalades, Navigators …

  19. RP says

    There’s a bright yellow Hummer in my neighborhood with the license plate RUFNTUF. That driver obviously has something to compensate for.

  20. says

    Its funny I literally just saw a hummer that had me bursting out laughing with its ridiculousness. It was neon geen and sparkly with spinning hubcaps and pink pinstriping.

    I couldn’t help myself, I had to literally point and laugh. The driver gave me such an evil look my husband felt the need to speed off.

  21. jim says

    “I always just give the drivers of H2s the finger when I see them.”

    I think you’re as much of an asshole as the people who buy H2s. There’s a difference between politicking against SUVs and personally antagonizing people, and I think many folks would do well to learn it. I understand, and in fact agree with, the assumption that most people buy H2s without having a very good reason for it, but that doesn’t really justify acting like a prick on the road.

    My family owns a Chevy Suburban, which probably gets about 12 miles per gallon, and its every capability has been used several times at the very least. Road trips with trailers, moving parties, jamming 5 kids in the back, etc. I’d shudder to think that, for the average liberal, a difference of 2.4 miles per gallon (H2 gets 9.6) is all it takes for a stranger to have earned an uninformed cross-lane deuce. (A deuce is when one “flips” “the bird”, for those unfamiliar with the parlance.)

  22. Numad says

    “I understand, and in fact agree with, the assumption that most people buy H2s without having a very good reason for it”

    I’ve been led to believe that it is probable some people buy large vehicles such as Hummers and SUVs at least partly for a bad, bad reason: augmenting one’s safety from injury marginally in exchange for greater risk to other motorist’s lives.

    If that was not done unconsciously it would warrant giving the finger.

  23. jim says

    “I’ve been led to believe that it is probable some people buy large vehicles such as Hummers and SUVs at least partly for a bad, bad reason: augmenting one’s safety from injury marginally in exchange for greater risk to other motorist’s lives.”

    If one were to “trade-up” from a Toyota Camry to a Chevy Suburban in order to increase one’s safety against Suburbans, one would be increasing it exactly as much as one would be decreasing the safety of the driver of another Camry. Tha margin of safety for a switch from car A to larger car B is inversely proportional to the switch from B to A. If one believes one’s life to be worth exactly as much as the life of Random C. Jones down the street, the only moral option is to drive the exact same car as Jones, in the exact same way. This isn’t feasible, given the wide variety of needs and desires which drive people to car ownership, so I don’t see a big problem with increasing one’s own margin of safety provided that one does one’s best to be a conscientious driver in every respect. I don’t think there’s an inherently greater danger in driving a larger car, only in crashing a larger car, and if you do your best to keep two things first in mind while driving — situational awareness and courtesy — I don’t think it’s morally reprehensible to wish to drive a larger vehicle. Accidents happen, and one should not be expected to put one’s self purposely at a vehicular disadvantage. Now, if you get a larger vehicle so that you can drive like a maniac without fear of injury, I think that we can all agree that you are pretty clearly a horrible person.

    One of the hardest things about buying a teenager a car, I would guess, is buying them one that is large enough to not put them at a disadvantage on the road, but not so large as to be a (poorly-piloted) tank. Sometimes folks just have to agree to disagree about where the balance lies.

    “Jim wants a Hummer. And not from his wife. hehe.”

    Am I not man? Do I not have needs? My life goal is a remote desert compound with an H1,and a “hummer” from C1 (Concubine 1, though I suppose Concubine 2 or 3 would work nearly as well.)

    (Obviously I am joking about the concubine part.)

    Also, I should apologize to “quitter” for calling him/her an asshole; by my own logic, I was calling the kettle black. Making assumptions about one’s character based on a single decision (buying an H2, flipping an H2 off) is a bad idea, regardless of context. Unless you’re driving in the car with your friends, of course, in which case any motorist’s penis size is fair game. No shame in dropping harsh words if they’re not picked up by anyone of consequence.

  24. j says

    “I always just give the drivers of H2s the finger when I see them.”

    Are you kidding? One of those H2s could squash my Toyota Corolla flat. Not risking it.

  25. Squeaky says

    Fabulous cartoon.

    My philosophy regarding vehicles is to buy the vehicle that gets the best fuel efficiency possible, and still meets your ACTUAL needs. For my Dad, who lives and works on a farm and hauls heavy payloads all the time, that vehicle is a big truck. Appropriate. For the woman in my neighborhood who drives her shiny yellow hummer to the grocery store: inappropriate.

    NO ONE who is NOT serving in Iraq needs a hummer because NO ONE who owns one uses it for anything that it is designed for (which is arguable, since all they are designed for is for the owner to flaunt their wealth (or credit card debt) in everone’s faces). They are unpatriotic vehicles and reflect a blatant disregard for or outright ignorance of our dependence on hostile foreign countries for the lifeblood of our society and economy.

    But don’t get me started…

  26. RedMolly says

    My gesture of choice for Hummer drivers: the elevated (but only halfway) pinky finger. Accompanied with an “I’m so sorry, especially for your wife” facial expression.

    I *heart* my Scion xB…

  27. craig says

    I’ve seen hummers around, but only ever had one interaction with a hummer owner.

    In 95 degree heat, my mother (disabled and with a pacemaker) and myself (disabled) were walking slowly along the sidewalk when a loud horn blared at us.

    We turned to see a redfaced hummer driver roll down his window and start to shout obscenities at us, telling us to get out of the “road.”

    This sidewalk we were on was crossing the entrace driveway to a stripmall, and this guy wanted in. A couple minutes of redfaced, rednecked obnoxiousness followed.

    The woman in the car behind him stopped as she pulled in to ask us “what the hell was HIS problem?”

    Anyway, from my sample of one, it seems that 100% of hummer drivers are enraged assholes.

  28. Pieter B says

    Standard factory equipment on urban Hummers should be a bumper sticker which says


  29. Azkryoth says

    I’ve always thought “Priapus” would be a good model name for an SUV. I use it for pretty much all of them…

  30. says

    Wow those suckers are big. I’ve only seen one Hummer in Sydney. god knows what that cost to have been brought out here.
    We have the same arguements over 4WD’s in the city. Only being used to take the kids to cricket practise, never see a dirt road, clogging up the streets, waste of petrol etc. They are tiny compared to what you guys have with your monster trucks. I couldn’t believe the size of the F350 first time I saw one. Run me over in my little Hyundai Excel and never notice.

  31. Andrew says

    I’m pleased to see that all of PZ’s commentators have such enormous penises that they feel safe making fun of men who don’t.

  32. says


    We compensate in other ways. Tongue exercises are helpful.

    So if I see a guy drive by in a hybrid compact car with a custom painting of Gene Simmons, does that mean he’s happy with the size of his penis, but is overcompensating for an inability to please his lady orally?

  33. lytefoot says

    My favorite are the stretch H2s… you know, the stretch limos with H2 stylings. Whenever I see one (especially in someone else’s car) I just want to ram them amidships just to see if they split in half…


    By the way, has anyone else noticed how SUV manufacturers are trying to advertise their gas milage? Does anyone else find themselves shouting at the television “24 MILES PER GALLON HIGHWAY IS NOT GOOD GAS MILAGE, YOU IDIOTS!”? (Other people do shout at commercials, right? It’s not just me?)

    Who else remembers the kind of gas milage they used to advertise in the ’80s? Am I the only one who remembers seeing 40+ mpg routinely? (That’s a serious question–I was quite young, and my memory might be faulty.) Have the regulations on how MPG is actually measured changed? Or are the car manufacturers just devolving into deeper symbiosis with the oil companies?

  34. Hal says

    To pick up on PieterB’s suggestion, why not have printed small, clearly legible bumper stickers to be applied by others saying something like “But My Penis Is Tiny”…? If the driver is a woman, it would be plenty offensive. If they keep getting applied to the Hummer, it at least compensates for the social cost of having to endure these things.