Who will clean the litter box after you’ve been raptured?

This has got to be a spoof site, but then I would have had to think Rapture Ready was a joke, too. Anyway, when the Rapture comes and you are ascended into heaven, you need to make sure your beloved pets are cared for, so the JesusPets service is recruiting non-Christians to take care of pets during the Tribulation or whatever.

It’s a bit bizarre. One thing they have to make sure of is that the godless atheist isn’t signing up just so he can get his hands on Mr Tinkles to rape and eat, so we have to sign a promise that we aren’t just scheming to ravish everyone’s abandoned pets.

Make hard CA$H from home while the world is in flames!

Are you an animal lover; and also an atheist, agnostic, jew, muslim, or other non-Christian? If so, you might qualify for the JesusPets Partner Program!

JesusPets will pay YOU to take care of dogs, cats, and other pets. To qualify, you must agree with this statement:

The JesusPets Partner Program Statement

  • I love animals, and am willing to care for pets after the Christian Rapture.
  • I am not, and never have been a born-again Christian.
  • I believe it is immoral to have sex with animals, and have no desire to do so.
  • I believe it is immoral to consume common domesticated pets (note: this includes goldfish!), and have no desire to do so.

If you agree with, then please contact JesusPets to join our international community of JesusPets Partners!

Hmmm. If I were a cat-raper, I don’t think I’d be too troubled about breaking an electronic pledge.


  1. says

    Ah, I love those Christianity sites that really, really seem to be spoofs….but since there are so many messed up ones that are certainly not jokes, there’s always a lingering doubt.

    My favorite line: (note: this includes goldfish!)

  2. speedwell says

    Oh, I have some problems with this off the bat.

    1. I used to be a born-again Christian and am now an atheist. if I met these people in a chatroom, though, they would probably tell me I was never a “real” Christian, though, so am I off the hook here?

    2. Goldfish are koi, and koi are carp, and carp are mighty fine eatin’ according to the staff at the Chinese restaurant I go to three times a week or so.

    3. I’m not into such weirdness, but, man, I’m not into telling other people what they should do with their sexuality.

    4. After the Rapture, there will be a massive real estate surplus, but my lousy apartment complex will still probably insist on compliance with their pet deposit policy. Will JesusPets assist me with the legal and financial ramifications?

  3. says

    I saw this website on a documentary about evangelism and the rapture on Discovery Time recently. I thought it must be real but after checking out their website, it appears to be a spoof if you take a look at their links.

    Nevertheless, it’s not surprising that those who are planning to be raptured would worry about their pets. But I imagine it will be hard to go up to someone and ask them to take care of their pets when the world goes to hell after the rapture.

    “Excuse me, but since I am saved and you aren’t, would you please take care of fluffy?”

    I’m more worried about their cars. Will they leave the keys in the car? Many of us sinners might need a car. Perhaps they can leave their reggies in the glove compartment and signed so that the ownership can be transferred.

  4. says

    You’d think so but, scarily, a lot of pet abusers are very open about their abuse, especially to cats. Maybe because people who violate cats are not really knowledgeable about the social mores that the rest of us define as “normal”.

  5. says

    Notice though that it sorta assumes humans aren’t animals (in the sex with animals clause). I thought this lack of biological knowledge would rankle you, PZ.

  6. gracchus says

    Hmm, Christians rate an initial capital in that ad and Jews and Muslims so not. I guess this shouldn’t come as a surprise. Gotta say though, with the exception of fish, most household pets are neither kosher nor halal.

  7. gracchus says

    Hmm, Christians rate an initial capital in that ad and Jews and Muslims so not. I guess this shouldn’t come as a surprise. Gotta say though, with the exception of fish, most household pets are neither kosher nor halal.

  8. says

    I, for one, wish that the rapture was true. All those nutjobs, gone in a fell swoop. Imagine there’s no heaven; it’s easy if you try.

    However, I wonder if it troubles these people that their pets don’t go to heaven, considering how many religious people didn’t want to leave their pets in the aftermath of Katrina.

  9. RS says

    It’s my guess the ‘rapture’ these people are expecting is a flash of nuclear annihilation. Of course, by simply waiting, they help ensure it will occur.

    To agree with the “JesusPets Partner Program Statement” I must agree that it is ‘immoral’ to … Thus, I would be ‘agreeing” with ‘religious’ concepts and definitions — morals and morality. (Of course ‘Christianity’ is one of the multitude ‘civilized’ religions.)

    ‘Morals’ and ‘morality’ are a ‘code to live by’ that is one of the inventions of human beings (civilized human beings, actually. All not-civilized creatures know better, and are content with the lifestyle they have evolved with). The ‘code’ of ‘morals’ and ‘morality’ is inapplicable to human beings as they have evolved to be — as our full jails attest — and as the civilized have failed to learn in millennia. The founders of civilization, the distant cultural ancestors of all the civilized, abandoned their human heritage long ago.

    Perhaps, after the ‘rapture’, when these ‘religious people’ are gone, the rest of us will be able to build lives for ourselves that ‘work’ as well for us as any evolved tribal lifestyle ‘works’ for human beings.

  10. paul says

    Well, in orthodox Judaism the employment of non-Jews to perform tasks forbidden on the Sabbath has a long history – Shabbes goy is the Yiddish term. This is something similar, Rapture Infidel.

  11. Alex R says

    Assuming this is serious, I’d be very curious to find out who they would allow to participate in this program… I’d imagine they’d have no trouble with a Unitarian, or a borderline agnostic liberal Quaker like myself.

    But suppose, that, for example, a practicing and believing Roman Catholic decided to sign up. I suspect most Catholics would willingly sign a statement that “I am not, and never have been a born-again Christian.” Would the typical assumption of conservative evangelical Protestants that Catholics aren’t really Christian take precedence over the fact that Catholics profess belief in Jesus Christ?

    I think that a very entertaining experiment could be done, here…

  12. george cauldron says

    I’m more worried about their cars. Will they leave the keys in the car? Many of us sinners might need a car. Perhaps they can leave their reggies in the glove compartment and signed so that the ownership can be transferred.

    I think after the Rapture there will be a booming business of Unsaved locksmiths letting us heathens into the cars, houses, and apartments of the Saved. I expect property values and rents to lighten up a lot. Except in New York and San Francisco, tho — things will probably be about the same there.

    Free stuff everywhere! And hey — no more Republicans!

  13. says

    I think the ultimate answer as to whether this is a spoof site can be found on the all too authentic RaptureReady in the e-mail contacts, Terry James is described as the “general” editor and cat lover. Seems like a lot of trouble though, to spoof such an easy target.

  14. says

    It’s almost too bad this isn’t for real. This would be the easiest money I’ve ever made. (Of course, I’d have to specify payment in advance – but if it were for real, wouldn’t that have to be how they did it?)

  15. DJ says

    This is a brilliant parody. I base this opinion on the morals clause in the agreement.

    Fundamentalists argue (as do many mainstream religions actually) that if one does not have a religious moral authority then one has no true moral compass at all. Hence, all non-believers are so-called moral relativists and their conscience is not on the same page as true believers.

    For this pet-project site to include a morals clause agreement, where the un-rapturable prospective pet partner needs to profess a moral creed of sorts, is deliciously ironic.

    If there is a Webby for parody sites this has to be considered.

    Well done.

  16. says

    I used to offer Rapture insurance through my website. It worked like term insurance. For a very reasonable rate, I guaranteed that if you didn’t get raptured, you’d at least have plenty of money to spend during the tribulations. To paraphrase Jane Austin, it is a truth universally admitted that an unraptured fundamentalist is in need of a lap dance.

  17. Crosius says

    I wonder about the inconsistency (in the bible!?) between the assertion that the time of the second coming is supposed to be secret (Mark 13:32) and yet there’s this whole book of signs and schedules for the lead-up to zero-hour.

    The only way I could see both working would be if people remained completely oblivious to all the signs the whole time, right up to the last trump.

    Now, for that to happen, something pretty amazing would have to happen at the Rapture – we’d have to “forget” about everyone who got sucked up into the sky – They’d have to fold space an memory in after themselves so no one would notice.

    Which creates the problem: How do the current “Tha Rapture is a-comin'” fundies know it hasn’t happened already?

  18. george cauldron says

    The rapture was last week. What, you’re still here?

    I’ve always wanted to sneak up to a church in the middle of the night, go up to those signs they have that have program schedules, announcements, inspirational homilies, etc., and change the lettering on it to read “THE RAPTURE WAS LAST NIGHT. IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU’RE SCREWED”.

  19. Rey says

    Perhaps the rapture really happened about thirty years ago, and the only true and pure Christian…was Jimmy Hoffa.

  20. ymr049c says

    Here’s another example of the amazing thinking that religion enables.

    An evangelical explains how he is allowed to invite himself into your house. Because it’s not your house, you see; it’s God’s. For God to use as he sees fit. Conveniently, this fellow understands that God wants him to intrude in other people’s lives.

  21. says

    Actually, I wouldn’t mind Rapture, especially if God is a religious relativist. That way we’d solve the problems of religious stupidity and overpopulation at the same time.