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Sep 06 2012

Text of Obama’s DNC speech

It was a real stem-winder. Finally, a liberal democrat uncloaked himself and spoke the truth.

Slamming his fists on the lectern until his hands began to bleed, Obama proceeded to lay out a “three-point plan of sin and lechery” for his second term. If reelected, the president said, he would begin by banning organized religion entirely—starting with Christianity—and burning all churches to the ground, preferably “with their wretched, Jesus-loving congregants still huddled inside like rats.”

As members of the audience violently tugged at their genitals and howled like sex-starved, atheist wolves, Obama stated that his administration would then seek to make free, taxpayer-funded abortions legal at any stage of pregnancy, even up to one full year after birth, in order to supply his newly created “federal stem-cell harvesting plants” with raw materials.

Oh. Wait. Sorry. Wrong text. That was the secret speech he gave at the Godless Cabal. Here’s the one he gave at the DNC. It was a bit more conciliatory, but it wasn’t bad.

32 comments

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  1. 1
    Geral

    The low point was the prayer by the Bishop at the end.

  2. 2
    iknklast

    That may not be what he said, but I’m sure that’s what many people heard.

    I was reading an article just before the speech about how the Democrats had foolishly made a big deal about abortion (?). Silly me, I thought that was the Republicans. The article said democrats were scared to talk about the economy, so they would be talking about how there should be no restrictions on abortion, and made it sound as though we were about to enter an abortion free-for-all, some sort of abortion olympics.

    I listened to several speeches at the DNC; I heard Obama suggest a woman had the right to make her own medical choices. Otherwise, it was mostly about the economy.

  3. 3
    Die Anyway

    I just finished listening. Not bad but I kind of wish all of the speakers tonight, including Mr. Obama, hadn’t been so happy about dancing on Bin Laden’s grave. I’m ok with having taken him out, but the bragging is a bit unseemly.
    Michelle in 2016!

  4. 4
    JohnnieCanuck

    Oh good, for a second there, I thought you meant Michele.

  5. 5
    navigator

    *snort* funny post there. But really, I am so relieved to hear an unrepenantly liberal speech. No apologies, no holds barred, just how some of us see the world. No, “liberal” is not the dirty word the Republicans try to make it.

  6. 6
    raven

    Otherwise, it was mostly about the economy.

    Which it should be.

    Clinton’s genius was when he said at his start, It’s the economy, stupid.

    It’s the economy, stupid.It’s the economy, stupid.It’s the economy, stupid.

    It is really that simple. To quote David M. quoting Scrooge McDuck, “Money isn’t everything but without money, everything is nothing.”

    1. Karl Marx got one thing right. Economics underlies everything. He overstated his case a bit, it isn’t the only thing. Culture and religion play a role too.

    2. For those who can’t get past the name Marx, Maslow a psychologist, said the same thing. There is a pyramid of human needs and desires and basic food, clothing, and shelter are at the base. Which takes money.

    I’ve been lukewarm on Obama for this reason. He does sort of understand the point but doesn’t IMO, understand the centrality and importance of it. Bill Clinton did and was the most successful president in living memory leaving office with a good economy, low unemployment, and a budget surplus.

  7. 7
    Francisco Bacopa

    I liked Obama’s speech. And what about dancing on Bin Laden’s grave? I think the Dems are now the strong on defense party. Romney never once mentioned veterans or the Afghan war in his speech. WTF, we’re gonna hand a war over to a guy who won’t even talk about it? Biden didn’t just dance on the grave, he pissed and shat on it. All that talk about “closure” was really talk about revenge. W said he didn’t care anymore, Mitt said it was mostly futile, and Obama got into a shouting match with McCain during the debates in 2008 over whether it was prudent to violate Pakistan’s airspace to get OBL.

    Obama promised the death of our enemy whatever the political risk and delivered.

    Mitt’s response? “Even Jimmy Carter could have made that decision.” WTF? Carter DID make that decision with Operation Eagle Claw, and it cost him everything. Mittens understands nothing and is not fit to be CiC.

  8. 8
    Randomfactor

    Just did a cursory check and it doesn’t appear that The Onion even bothered parodying Romney’s speech (although they did day he planned to avoid “all mention of his personal, professional, religious, and political backgrounds.”

    Which I think was pretty accurate reporting on their part, if not particularly insightful. Better than Fox’s coverage.

  9. 9
    shripathikamath

    A pusillanimous politician who started with his swearing-in presided over by a bigot (that be Rick Warren), and who placated the wingnuts for far too long, and one who “evolved” in his views over gay marriage from not supporting Prop 8 to “letting the states decide” made a speech that had to beat out a Mormon and a old white gut talking to a chair?

    And he did?

    Sorry, if you think that is liberal win, you have been had!

  10. 10
    Amphiox

    Sorry, if you think that is liberal win, you have been had!

    Yes it is a liberal win, and no we have not been had.

    Or perhaps you don’t understand the meaning of the word “win”?

  11. 11
    Dalillama, Schmott Guy

    Yes it is a liberal win, and no we have not been had.

    Or perhaps you don’t understand the meaning of the word “win”?

    Perhaps you don’t understand the meaning of the word “liberal”? Because whether he wins or not, Obama’s not one.

  12. 12
    robvinciguerra

    It was a good speech. Not as god as Clinton’s, but far better than the disaster of the GOP convention.

    POLL: Who had the best convention?
    Vote here: http://www.wepolls.com/p/11565426

  13. 13
    Alex

    That was the right speech for the occasion, not bad. But,
    why on earth did he have to say that “As Americans, we believe we are endowed by our Creator with certain inalienable rights – rights that no man or government can take away.”

    Creator??? Come on!

    I guess they put that in as a counterbalance sound bite to their pro choice position, but isn’t it in violation of the first amendment or something to as the President define the official “American creed” as that in a Creator God, as the basis of human rights?
    I’m asking as a furriner.

  14. 14
    Pseudonym

    Obama’s record shows him pretty unambiguously to be the second most accomplished liberal president since FDR. Dolan is a sanctimonious twatwaffle but I understand the reasoning for the optics. I hardly agree with him on everything but unlike PZ I’m not going to apologize for my support.

  15. 15
    laurentweppe

    I was reading an article just before the speech about how the Democrats had foolishly made a big deal about abortion (?). Silly me, I thought that was the Republicans.

    You don’t get it: they made a big deal about it by not falling on their knees and prostrating themselves fast enough before Bullies’R'Us.

    ***

    but isn’t it in violation of the first amendment or something to as the President define the official “American creed” as that in a Creator God, as the basis of human rights?

    No: it’s called quoting the declaration of independence

  16. 16
    Alex

    No: it’s called quoting the declaration of independence

    Ah crap

    That’s why the OP didn’t complain about it, I should’ve guessed. Well then… Deism FTW!

  17. 17
    laurentweppe

    That’s why the OP didn’t complain about it, I should’ve guessed. Well then… Deism FTW!

    Note that nothing stops you from callin natural selection your creator.

  18. 18
    Alex

    Note that nothing stops you from callin natural selection your creator

    I’m willing to reinterpret the words to this extent, but to believe that natural selection gave me inalienable rights or such things is a bit too far out for my taste.

  19. 19
    sawells

    I think the UK version from the Daily Mash is even better. Check it out here:

    http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/america-fifteenth-maybe-twentieth-best-country-in-the-world-says-obama-2012090740347

    This was the part that made me fall off the sofa giggling:

    “As a nation, I believe we are mature and humble enough to acknowledge that we are hamstrung by our ignorance, our bigotry, our denial of reality – eight out of ten Americans believe in angels.

    “To those of you who do, let me reach out to you tonight, take off your shoes and slap you about the jowls with them. You are premium grade morons.”

  20. 20
    dianne

    I can’t get behind this church burning idea. Lots of good art in churches. Repurposing churches into performance spaces and geek lairs, that’s a proper use for them.

  21. 21
    ibbica

    I think the UK version from the Daily Mash is even better. Check it out here: …

    I did, and was happily finding it mildly humourous and chuckling a bit, until I got to the last paragraph.

    Now my co-workers are looking at me funny. So, thanks I guess :P

    (…I’m working in Belgium right now XD )

  22. 22
    broboxley OT

    only one year after birth? Caving in again I see

  23. 23
    michaelnewsham

    Who invited Cardinal Dolan to give the closing ‘blessing’ so he could crap on pro-choice, contraceptives and gay marriage?

    At least at the DNC he also mentioned the poor and needy twice, and the unemployed once. And also those suffering under the ravages of war.
    “Bless all here present, and all across this great land, who work hard for the day when a greater portion of your justice, and a more ample measure of your care for the poor and suffering, may prevail in these United States. Help us to see that a society’s greatness is found above all in the respect it shows for the weakest and neediest among us.”(anti-abortion dog-whistle?)

    “…those who are poor, out of work, needy, sick, or alone; those who are persecuted for their religious convictions, those still ravaged by war.”

    At the RNC he mentioned the poor once while burying it in the words on the Statue of Liberty (give us your tired, your poor….) , and no mention of those suffering from war.

    His only other mention of the suffering: “We pray for all those who seek honest labor, as we thank you for the spirit of generosity to those in need with which you so richly blessed this nation.”

    Not those lazy bums asking for welfare, and a big dose of praise to the generosity of those who seek to cut Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and cancel universal health care to pay for tax cuts for the wealthiest.

    Also, at the DNC he called for blessings on Romney and Ryan by name, while referring only to the President and Veep at the RNC- didn’t want a blessing interrupted by boos?.

    He’s doing a fine job in his role as partisan hack, but he better hope that the stuff written in his scriptures isn’t true:

    31″But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then he will sit on the throne of his glory. 32Before him all the nations will be gathered, and he will separate them one from another, as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left. 34Then the King will tell those on his right hand, ‘Come, blessed of my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; 35for I was hungry, and you gave me food to eat. I was thirsty, and you gave me drink. I was a stranger, and you took me in. 36I was naked, and you clothed me. I was sick, and you visited me. I was in prison, and you came to me.’

    37″Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry, and feed you; or thirsty, and give you a drink? 38When did we see you as a stranger, and take you in; or naked, and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick, or in prison, and come to you?’

    40″The King will answer them, ‘Most certainly I tell you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ 41Then he will say also to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire which is prepared for the devil and his angels; 42for I was hungry, and you didn’t give me food to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave me no drink; 43I was a stranger, and you didn’t take me in; naked, and you didn’t clothe me; sick, and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’

    44″Then they will also answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and didn’t help you?’

    45″Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Most certainly I tell you, inasmuch as you didn’t do it to one of the least of these, you didn’t do it to me.’ 46These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

  24. 24
    sailor1031

    Why only one year after birth? As we’ve seen aplenty this year with the republican primaries, their convention and the current Ryan – Romney campaign there are many foetuses who are never to old to be aborted. Mort aux vaches!!

  25. 25
    footface

    Yeah, well, that piece in the Onion about Obama’s speech has already made an appearance at http://literallyunbelievable.org/.

  26. 26
    footface

    And the Declaration says unalienable rights, not inalienable. Everyone gets it wrong.

    /pedant

  27. 27
    Stevarious, Public Health Problem
    Note that nothing stops you from callin natural selection your creator

    I’m willing to reinterpret the words to this extent, but to believe that natural selection gave me inalienable rights or such things is a bit too far out for my taste.

    My mother created me, with a bit of input from my father, and I have no problem whatsoever claiming that she endowed me with some rights.

  28. 28
    Ichthyic

    I’m willing to reinterpret the words to this extent, but to believe that natural selection gave me inalienable rights or such things is a bit too far out for my taste.

    then you should study sociology, evolutionary biology and behavioral ecology.

    because, if you knew these things, it wouldn’t seem far fetched at all.

    what seems utterly ridiculous is inserting an imaginary friend in the gaps of ones knowledge, and saying our concepts of ethics and rights came from that 6 foot tall invisible rabbit over there… in the corner.

  29. 29
    laurentweppe

    what seems utterly ridiculous is inserting an imaginary friend in the gaps of ones knowledge, and saying our concepts of ethics and rights came from that 6 foot tall invisible rabbit over there… in the corner.

    I protest! Harvey never forced his morals on anyone

  30. 30
    davem

    was reading an article just before the speech about how the Democrats had foolishly made a big deal about abortion

    Well, if the DNC insist on initials that are identical to an abortion method…

  31. 31
    Midnight Rambler

    Usually all political conventions suck, with rare exceptions of surprising speeches like Clinton’s in 1988 or Obama’s in 2004, and they’re just trying to get through without screwing up. But I thought this one actually was pretty good and did get me more enthusiastic about voting for the Dems vs. against the Republicans. In addition to Clinton, Michelle Obama and Joe Biden gave excellent speeches, and some others like Deval Patrick were very good as well. The PBSNewsHour channel on YouTube has them up, you should watch them. Jennifer Granholm’s speech on the auto bailout was a little over the top but had some of the best lines – “with Mitt Romney, the cars get the elevator, and the people get the shaft!”

  32. 32
    Amphiox

    Obama doesn’t have to be a liberal for his success to be a liberal win. If he success advances liberal causes more than the alternative, and it has and it will, then it is a liberal win.

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