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Jan 03 2012

Cancel the Iowa caucuses! Skip the elections!

God has already told Pat Robertson who the next president is going to be.

Man, god sure gives ol’ Pat remarkably long and detailed messages.

70 comments

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  1. 1
    samsalerno

    Congratulations Pat. You win the biggest douche bag in the universe award.

  2. 2
    Glen Davidson

    Gee, what do you want to bet that God’s voice was almost exactly the same as Pat’s as well?

    After all, what were the odds that Pat and God think almost exactly alike? Why they must be no more than 1 in………………………1.

    Glen Davidson

  3. 3
    'Tis Himself

    I’ve often noticed how gawd has identical opinions and prejudices as the person gawd supposedly talks to.

  4. 4
    DLC

    So, he’s predicting that a dangerous radical (Ron Paul) will be elected and will bring down widespread economic chaos.
    Right, gotcha. Have to see to it that the boring professorial Barack Obama gets re-elected.

  5. 5
    ChristineRose

    He’s delusional. Either that or he’s a cynical lying sociopath. I don’t know, I never understood these sorts of people when I was religious. Ignore all the fellow prophets saying the opposite. Ignore the lousy track record. Ignore the fact that if he keeps saying this then eventually the economy will go bad. No matter what happens, Pat’s ego remains intact. A year from now when the economy is better, not worse than it’s been since 1960, Pat will be saying the prayers worked. That HIS prayers worked. As if God would listen to him even though the Almighty already let down all those Biblical prophets.

  6. 6
    chrisv

    Drivel. An endless stream of irrational drivel. Now god has a degree in macroeconomics? And doesn’t want kids to be insured with existing conditions? I don’t remember seeing that in the bibble. Ah, but then I haven’t read the bibble. Just the Cliff Notes, You know, I really wouldn’t care what these folk believe if they weren’t trying to pass laws designed to throw people like me jail for not sharing their delusions. Fools like this would be funny if they weren’t…well…so…not funny. Very not funny.

  7. 7
    DLC

    @5 : Pat has ties to the blood diamonds business, so economic chaos is in his favor. At least according to DailyKos, who write http://www.dailykos.com/story/2010/01/14/825050/-Pat-Robertson,-Freedom-Gold-and-Blood-Diamonds .. .

  8. 8
    JeffreyD

    Sure it happened – gawd told him it would be Obama. That is why he does not wish to share the news.

  9. 9
    Kaoru Negisa

    Hey, guys, no. Pat’s right. What this country needs more than anything is prayer! That’s why I believe Pat and his viewers should spend election day praying while sane people go vote. I’m sure God will stuff a few ballot boxes for them.

  10. 10
    palmettoyankee

    Pat doesn’t want prayers. He wants DOLLARS$

    Scare ‘em and fleece ‘em – the story of religion.

  11. 11
    Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls

    Sure it happened – gawd told him it would be Obama. That is why he does not wish to share the news.

    Lettuce Prey… ;)

  12. 12
    paulburnett

    Well, at least Pat just wants his deluded followers to pray, as opposed to actually doing anything. He’s not advocating armed insurrection or rebellion or overthrowing the Constitution or anything, like some Rethuglicans and Christian Reconstructionists. This may be progress.

  13. 13
    cafeeineaddicted

    I don’t know what you’re all talking about. The man is absolutely correct. In fact, I call for all right-minded, Christian folks to shun the worldly trappings, and spend the days up until after the election in thoughtful prayer.

    Indeed, they should not do as the heathen do, and tempt the Lord their God by challenging his authority to determine the ruler of the American nation, by actually appearing at a voting booth, or sending a mail-in ballot. NO! The only way for God to return to America is for them to pray. Trust in the LORD, godly people, not your own works, and not your own vote…

  14. 14
    caseyboucher

    It seems like the religious wingnuts WANT the economy to collapse. The next pertinent questions are why, and what could they hope to gain from facilitating such a collapse?

    Who would vote for this? Why would anybody vote for this?

    Is it too late to move to Canada?

  15. 15
    What a Maroon, el papa ateo

    Ah, but then I haven’t read the bibble. Just the Cliff Notes

    So you’ve read more of the Babble than the average Xian.

    Like a lot of atheists, I’ve read most of it, though I have to admit, I skipped a bunch of begats.

    Anyway, god tells me that the smart money is on Gary Johnson.

  16. 16
    mxh

    With pretty much every Republican saying that God told them to run, God must just be hedging his bets.

  17. 17
    Alverant

    If what Pat said is true, then we should arrest him and his followers for election tampering.

  18. 18
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    So, he’s predicting that a dangerous radical (Ron Paul) will be elected

    Oh, thank you, DLC! You’ve saved me! I really don’t want to watch that video. Pat Robertson gives me the fucking willies.

  19. 19
    magistramarla

    So, does this mean that his supernatural friend-in-the-sky is smarter or more important than the ones who have been talking to all of the candidates who claim that “Gawd” told them to run and is on their side?
    Wait a minute, now just how many “Gawds” are there in Iowa?

  20. 20
    shouldbeworking

    Since the US is a xian country, just get RP to Washington to do the Lard’s work and save the country some money at the same time, money that can be used to do Jeebus’ work, perhaps build the Ark Park?

    I see the woman is obeying gawd’s Law too, by being silent in church.

  21. 21
    jasbrimstone

    This guy is brilliant. Gawd told him, but he won’t tell us… so no matter who’s elected, no one can prove he didn’t know! I can play that game too! FSM told me who the next President will be, but I can’t tell anyone else. hahaha! See!? The FSM told me something (his voice sounded oddly like mine with a mouthful of spaghetti, but that’s beside the point), and you can’t prove he didn’t because I won’t tell you what he said until I can claim that what I was told was spot on correct…

    Also, the destruction of our nation is coming in the form of an economic collapse… have I been living in an alternate dimension for the past 4ish years? Aren’t we kind of, you know… living through one of those right now?

    Oh, and if only they would all listen to Pat’s God and do nothing but pray a whole lot, that would be great! The problem is they don’t just pray, they vote, they discriminate, they proselytize, they try to legislate their religious bigotry, they try to sneak their stupidity into our school science classes… If massive amounts of prayer were all that we rational people had to worry about, we’d be doing a lot better.

  22. 22
    frankb

    Why is Robertson sitting around in that same suit and tie? At his age he ought to be in something more comfortable like a sweatsuit, or something that the medics can rip open easily to start pounding on his chest. He’s already delirious, they had better check his pulse.

  23. 23
    arrantprac

    So God asked Pat to ask Christians to ask God to fix things?

    Makes perfect sense to me.

  24. 24
    robertwatkins

    mxh @16 – God told them to run, not that they would win. Maybe God is hoping to stimulate the economy via taking money from conservatives and using to prop up the all-important advertising industry…

  25. 25
    subbie

    God said, and I quote….

    Absolutely priceless!

    Yes, by all means, anyone who follows this hateful bigot should spend all of election day deep in prayer. That would certainly be the only beneficial instance of prayer ever documented in the history of mankind.

  26. 26
    autumn

    Wow. Pat has God quoting Abraham Lincoln. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad for Abe’s memory.

  27. 27
    marlorocci

    He’s expecting us to listed to God for economic advice when God can’t put a decent price on raping a virgin.

  28. 28
    StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    Reading between the lines, Pat Robertson is saying Obama (a.k.a. Teh AuntyChrist) will win?

    I hate to say it but for once I think he’s right.

    @What a Maroon :

    Anyway, god tells me that the smart money is on Gary Johnson.

    Who???

    Never heard of him.

    Btw. Which god? Aphrodite? Isis? Thor? Freya? Baal?

    FWIW, I predict a Romney versus Obama showdown for 2012 with Obama winning.

  29. 29
    Alverant

    Pat just gave justification to voter suppression and election fraud. They are doing God’s work and anyone who’s against them is persecuting christians.

  30. 30
    petzl20

    When did God start taking Fox News/GOP talking points? Are Murdoch/Roger Ailes THAT powerful?

  31. 31
    What a Maroon, el papa ateo

    Btw. Which god? Aphrodite? Isis? Thor? Freya? Baal?

    Om.

  32. 32
    StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    @26. autumn :

    Wow. Pat has God quoting Abraham Lincoln. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad for Abe’s memory.

    Abe’s memory or Pats?

    @27. marlorocci :

    He’s expecting us to listed to God for economic advice when God can’t put a decent price on raping a virgin.

    Given Lot’s story I reckon God prefers the price for that to be indecently cheap. ;-(

  33. 33
    Zeno

    Sure is a smooth talker, that God. You’d think an omnipotent, omniscient being would be a little more eloquent. I kept waiting for, “And God spake: Buyest thou gold!” Then cut to Gold-Line commercial.

  34. 34
    StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    @petzl20 :

    When did God start taking Fox News/GOP talking points? Are Murdoch/Roger Ailes THAT powerful?

    Nah, if they were then god would be predicting a Rick Santorum win given that’s Murdoch’s golden boy here.

  35. 35
    petzl20

    This guy is literally saying he’s having a back-and-forth conversation with God, where God is specifically answering yes/no to his various interrogatives. He’s literally saying “Here’s what God said, and I quote…” What’s scary is, he’s allowed to function outside of a padded cell. What’s scary is, his co-host is smiling instead shrinking back in apprehension from this escaped inmate.

  36. 36
    anteprepro

    When did God start taking Fox News/GOP talking points? Are Murdoch/Roger Ailes THAT powerful?

    It’s hard to be LESS powerful than something that doesn’t exist.

    Alternatively: Jesusgod is a little desperate for worshipers. Perhaps he gets something out of the deal (like in fictional settings where a god’s power is proportional to the number that believe in it). As a result, Jesusgod’s knows where his bread is buttered in the U.S. Fox News is the great Republican propaganda machine, and Republicanism is thoroughly linked to the most blinkered, hardcore versions of Christianity. Therefore, it’s in Jesusgod’s best interests to assure that Fox Noise is spewing from every American orifice and get the entire country genuflecting and self-flagellating in His Name. That will teach that fucker Thor.

  37. 37
    StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    @35. petzl20 :

    Yep – and don’t forget god is even telling him to kill.

    (eg. President Hugo Chavez – remember that?)

  38. 38
    Ogvorbis: Still failing at being human.

    Total economic collapse. “This is not my (gods’) judgement, they are bringing it on themselves.” And Roberstson is correct. The GOP is trying to create economic collapse in order to take down Obama. Makes sense to me.

  39. 39
    Loqi

    “God said, and I quote…”
    That made me laugh hysterically. And then I realized that millions of people believe this. That made me weep uncontrollably.

  40. 40
    StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    @36. anteprepro :

    That will teach that fucker Thor.

    Nah, Thor is still going hammer him!

  41. 41
    shouldbeworking

    Then Apollo will run him over with the chariot.

  42. 42
    kraut

    The old saying: If you talk to god, then you’ve got religion.
    If god talks to you – time for the loony bin.

  43. 43
    mscheeky

    As an Aussie brought up in a fairly religion free environment, I’m not exposed to this kind of stuff. I sat watching this just waiting for the punchline, the studio audience to crack up laughing or something, anything. But he’s serious. And she’s listening, smiling and nodding. Wow. How can anyone take this seriously? ‘God said, and I quote…’. This guy needs a straitjacket.

  44. 44
    Crudely Wrott

    For once I will speak in favor of poor ol’ Pat. He did end up saying that its all about the money and for that he should be lauded because it is indeed true.

    It is not amazing or startling that most human industry usually ends up being about the money. Look at all of human endeavors; without funds, nothing; most of the time. Unless one is gifted in begging. The highest pinnacle of begging is to convince someone that they can actually have something beyond possibility by simply making a monthly pledge. Pat has that down cold.

    What else is suspect is his ability to deliver; money comes in, promises go out. He can’t explain that. Money. Promises. Nothing changes. Perhaps he’s waiting for someone else to precipitate a miracle. No matter. Whatever happens is on purpose.

    Poor ol’ Pat has just pissed in his own hat.

  45. 45
    Francisco Bacopa

    So Robertson is predicting a Republican win and a subsequent economic collapse that will bring forth protests that make the sixties look lame.

    He is predicting that things will become so corrupt that Occupy will grow into so strong a force that it can call for a new Constitutional Convention? Have no doubts we can do this, as we chant to ourselves “We are unstoppable, another world is possible. Don’t think we can’t do this. We took down the Port of Houston CEO on #D12. I was up on the embankment getting the trucks to honk and rubbernecking in support on the 610 bridge. I saw HPD’s red tent go over our sleeping dragon which blocked off the old gates at exit 29 for three hours. Don’t doubt for a minute we don’t have what it takes.

    Mic Check!
    MIC CHECK
    Mic Check!
    MIC CHECK
    This is the beginning!
    THIS IS THE BEGINNING
    Of the beginning!
    OF THE BEGINNING.

    Occupy is the wave of the future, the more it is held back the stronger it grows. If Pat Robertson wants there to be a war, we will be there if it happens. Our non-violent actions countered with violence will be the shame that takes them down.

    Seriously folks. Donate to Occupy Supply. Occupy Houston and Occupy Oakland need money for court costs. Pitch in if you can. We are your future. we support the American Dream which has been dying for almost 40 years.

  46. 46
    raven

    But he’s serious. And she’s listening, smiling and nodding. Wow. How can anyone take this seriously?

    Hey!!! Pat R. makes a lot of money from his act. In fact, he is reputed to be a billionaire. That is a lot of money.

    He is also a fraud. He started out as a faith healer. For a while in the 1980′s he did the Rapture-Second Genocide thing and predicted the End of the World when jesus shows up. Which didn’t happen.

    If we would stone false prophets to death like it says to do in the bible, Pat would have disappeared under a pile of rocks decades ago.

  47. 47
    cyberCMDR

    Translation: OK everyone, we all know Obama is a secret Muslim and we really don’t like having a black guy in the White House, but God has an answer. He told me that we have to go vote Obama out. Now, understand that if I tell you how to vote, I might lose my tax free standing, so instead I’ll just say you need to pray. Pray real hard when you pull that lever on election day!

  48. 48
    ryancunningham

    Wow. Pat has God quoting Abraham Lincoln. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad for Abe’s memory.

    Actually, Lincoln and Robertson are both quoting Mark 3:24.

    And if a kingdom be divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand.

  49. 49
    robro

    Perhaps ol’ Pat had a vision of Santorum’s surprise today in Iowa.

  50. 50
    raven

    Perhaps ol’ Pat had a vision of Santorum’s surprise today in Iowa.

    Satanorum isn’t a Real Xian. He’s a Catholic for Cthulhu’s sake.

    Although Pat doesn’t seem to have much of a problem with Catholics for a fundie. Maybe they send him enough money.

    He really hates the Episcopalians, Methodists, and Presbyterians for some reason. Probably they never kick in enough money.

  51. 51
    Grimalkin

    I like how he won’t say whom God said the president would be. That’s like saying that you know this weeks lottery numbers, but you’re not going to buy a ticket with those numbers or tell anyone them.

    Then when the numbers are revealed you get to say that yep, those were the ones you thought.

  52. 52
    Roquetin

    I like how he won’t say whom God said the president would be.

    Exactly. In fact, God didn’t seem to have anything to say at all. There’s going to be internal stress? Really? In an election? No way. And the president will be at odds with the majority in at least one case? That never happens either, does it?

    So, either God just likes to creep into people’s minds and state the bleeding obvious, or Robertson himsef doesn’t believe the message actually is from God.

  53. 53
    maxamillion

    In my best Tommy Tiernan voice.

    What is this shit!

  54. 54
    agenoria

    I’ve heard a bit about the Iowa caucuses on the Today programme on BBC Radio 4 in the UK. The other day, one of the presenters commented, in an apologetic way, that the various candidates were a bit odd. [Er, yes, they're Republicans.]

    On Saturday 31st December Today had a guest editor, Stewart Lee. When it came to the (infamous) Thought for the Day, Stewart Lee wasn’t interested in choosing a speaker for the regular slot. But he did ask Alan Moore for an alternative Thought for the Day. Alan spoke about the glove puppet god he worships called Glycon. (I hadn’t heard of Alan Moore before – he wrote The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen which I never watched.)

    Audio here:

    Alan Moore’s alternative Thought for the Day

    Full transcript here:

    The Forbidden Planet International Blog Log Alan Moore’s Thought For The Day

    One paragraph:

    But I’m also interested in having a god who is demonstrably a ventriloquist’s dummy. After all, isn’t this the way we use most of our deities. We can look through our various sacred books and by choosing one ambiguous passage or one interpretation over another we can pretty much get our gods to justify our own current agendas. We can make them say what we want them to say.

    It seems to me that Pat Robertson also worships a glove puppet god.

  55. 55
    maxamillion

    Sorry about the video link folks.

    I didn’t realize that it would embed itself.
    It certainly didn’t show up in the preview

  56. 56
    RFW

    Whatever his motivation, one thing is certain about Pat Robertson: he’s a gas bag.

    He’s been saying crap like this for decades, a good fifty years or so. You’d think by now his followers would have wised up, but I guess the suckers are being born at least as fast as they’re coming to their senses.

  57. 57
    Slugsie

    …and I quote…

    Hahahahahahahahaha.

    So Pat Robertson is the only person on Earth who is getting direct quotable words from God?

  58. 58
    Hairy Chris, blah blah blah etc

    @agenoria #54
    In Alan Moore’s defence, he’s the writer of the original graphic novel, and of “The Watchmen”, “V for Vendetta” and a whole host of other work. He’s a legend in the field.
    And he has disassociated himself completely with all movie adaptions of his books…

  59. 59
    Reptile Dysfunction

    P-Rob will never be able to top Oral Roberts
    & the 900-foot-tall Jesus.

  60. 60
    epicure

    And the Lord said… and I think he was right…

  61. 61
    Zeno

    Perhaps God offered him words of comfort: “The next president will be Hillary Clinton, but not till Obama completes his second term in 2017. But be not afraid, you won’t be there to see it.”

  62. 62
    penningtrap

    @5 christinelaing:

    “A year from now when the economy is better, not worse than it’s been since 1960, Pat will be saying the prayers worked. That HIS prayers worked.”

    @14 caseyboucher:

    “It seems like the religious wingnuts WANT the economy to collapse.”

    Ofcourse! A prediction is made and it MUST come true. And even if it doesn’t, it will be because all the good xians prayers have been answered by the mercyfull gawd.
    It’s a win-win situation for them.

    Besides you can’t get any decent funding these days without a good doomsday scenario … right? Look what Harold Camping pulled in.

  63. 63
    Red-Green in Blue

    Let me get this straight, Pat: last night God told you that massive economic and political turmoil is coming, but says, “It’s not my fault, you brought this on yourself.” But you told me he’s omniscient and omnipotent! Don’t you think he could manage his anger a little better than he is? Pat, honey, this really sounds like an abusive relationship. … Yes, I know it’s God’s house, but this guy’s no good for you. You need to get out of there before he does you and the kids any more harm!

  64. 64
    jeffnoisician

    Hilarious – Pat knows who the next president will be but “can’t tell us”. Really? That’s the story you’re going with, Pat?

    And God told him “a house divided cannot stand”? What, God can’t think of his own metaphors and has to crib from an old Lincoln speech?

  65. 65
    Tualha

    Robertson’s god seems oddly impotent. If he doesn’t want Obama to be President, you’d think he would hit Obama with lightning or something like that. Instead, he just whispers in the ear of an old man who shows every sign of being a con artist.

    I like kaorunegisa’s idea. And he should know what god wants, being an angel and all.

  66. 66
    Thursday's Child

    1) Have conversation to voice in head
    2) Prophesy
    3) ?????
    4) Profit

  67. 67
    ChristineRose

    @StevoR

    Given Lot’s story I reckon God prefers the price for that to be indecently cheap. ;-(

    Lot owned his daughters and their virginity. It was his to bestow upon a mob (a rightly angry mob that correctly suspected that Lot was plotting with his visitors to open the city gates to intruders–this mob was too sensible to be distracted by the offer of a gang rape). Virginity was also his to get drunk and take, and of course it was all the daughter’s idea because they went along with it after Lot told them that they had to do it.

    The cheap price of virginity in the Old Testament is only paid if you’re not the girl’s father, and it is paid to the father, not the girl. Of course good Christians are guided by the Holy Spirit and know that all this is a bad example, not a good one.

  68. 68
    OldEd

    The man must be – no, let me correct that – IS ,barking mad…

  69. 69
    stewart

    It needed to be pushed just that little bit further:

    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=334560116562456&l=15397d7508

  70. 70
    Adam

    I don’t know why you’d post something like this PZ. I told you I was allergic to bullshit. =(

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