Have you ever witnessed a cat in heat? Yowling, hissing, screaming, tearing at each other…or at best, moping about the house, trying to get intimate in unseemly ways with you, pressing their butts up against everything and responding to every touch with lordosis. They are tacky and obnoxious. It’s no wonder that pet owners get the randy little beasts neutered — it’s not just to prevent them spawning more of their creepy kind, but to suppress their repulsive sexual demonstrations.
Now molluscs, on the other hand — if we had them as pets, we’d be putting hormones in their food to induce more frequent balletic copulations. We’d want a pair elegantly and silently writhing in a corner of the living room all the time, and we’d applaud in wonder and stroke them when they were done, murmuring “Beautiful boy/girl, lovely boy/girl, well done.”
(Also on Sb)
46 comments
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Blueaussi
6 August 2011 at 10:59 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Blegh! Slugs are the enemy, they munch my garden. Toads, now, toads are our friends, they eat slugs.
René
6 August 2011 at 11:03 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I think I have seen that video before, and I’m not going to watch it again. It’s as obscene as it gets.
Glen Davidson
6 August 2011 at 11:24 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
At least they can’t look any worse than they do just moving, or existing.
Now a dead slug, that’s an improvement.
Glen Davidson
Kevin Anthoney
6 August 2011 at 11:37 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Any guesses as to why we don’t have them as pets?
Rumtopf
6 August 2011 at 11:44 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
@Kevin Anthoney
Funny you should say that. I have a pet African Giant Land Snail (Achatina Fulica) and he’s wonderful :D. Coasts around in his tub making weird farty noises, enjoys the occasional dish of beer(and gets droopy eyestalks). His name is Gregory House MD.
Sucks that they’re illegal in the US though.
Garrett
6 August 2011 at 11:52 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Will I be the first to say it? … it gives a whole new meaning to the notion of dickheads! Sorry, but I’m sure many of you thought the same ;)
Audley Z. Darkheart OM, purveyor of candy and lies
6 August 2011 at 11:59 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
That was pretty cool. I could have done without all of the squishy noises, though. XD
magistramarla
6 August 2011 at 12:20 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Sorry guys, but I’ll stick with my sweet, big, fat, lazy neutered cats. I like my pets to be furry, purry and loving.
Daniel Brady
6 August 2011 at 12:38 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I love that video it’s very cool and amusingly at the end a popup ad said “looking for a date?”
I’ll leave well alone I think.
Sili
6 August 2011 at 12:44 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I HATE SNAILS! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE THEM!
ARRRRRRrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh
Did they really have to yank up the volume like that?!
*squishy*squishy*squishy*squishy*squishy*squishy*squishy*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Duth Olec
6 August 2011 at 12:46 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Too slow. Moved at a slug-like pace. Needed at least one car chase. 2/5.
I don’t think I’m going to put this in my slug novel…
And: Is that where we get toothpaste?
Sili
6 August 2011 at 12:49 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Dhorvath, OM
6 August 2011 at 12:50 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Mmmm, smooth skin and lube everywhere. Where do I sign up to try?
"Roger"
6 August 2011 at 12:51 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Yep…the man is a freak, no doubt about that…Though I will grant his argument about cats mating…nothing more annoying than listening to them rutting on the fence in the backward. Hence, my new elephant gun.
Sure, I have to replace the fence (and my shoulder) every now and then, but a single shot will shut the little buggers up for at least a fortnight!
Everyone knows that cats of course, are next to useless except with their ability to get rid of vermin and the diseases associated with them.
Useful as house companions though? Hell no.
In case of a fire, the cat will think of himself first and will run out without the slightest regard for any other victims.
Now, a canine on the other hand will make sure that he’s warned and woken up the others before he even thinks about running out himself.
Pity the poor fool though who has only molluscs and cephalopods as pets though. What are they going to do in a fire? Provide some food for the fireman once the blaze is out??
Phhhphph!
Nope, as fare as useful animals go: Cats are good so long as you keep them outside. Dogs are useful anywhere. Cephalopods and molluscs?
Maybe only as food for those desperate enough to try to eat those cthuloid abominations!
"Roger"
6 August 2011 at 12:59 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
As an example of these horrid abominations that this otherwise sensible biologist is besotted with, I present: The geoduck*! The most inappropriately named animal on the planet.
*Unlike IDists and creationists, I actually use scholarly peer-reviewed** materials.
**My peers being of course, drunken bored idiots.
AKron
6 August 2011 at 1:31 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Anti-Caturday is finially here!!!
Now I can show off my new custom t-shirt. Yea!
Kind of cheesy, but I’m so backed up in with video editing I really shouldn’t be doing this (but I must)
enjoy!
schism
6 August 2011 at 1:56 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
And I thought human mating was needlessly complicated…
Caine, Ghetto féministe
6 August 2011 at 2:21 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Wow. That was…impressive.
'Tis Himself, OM
6 August 2011 at 2:51 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Crudely Wrott
6 August 2011 at 3:40 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Wow. I’ll bet that felt really good. The pace is so delicately balanced between languor an impetuousness. Anticipation . . .
And it’s juicy. It ain’t no use if you ain’t go the juice, ya know.
Not that I think I can but if I could do that with someone and be that balanced and juicy, I’m sure I’d fall straight to the ground after, too.
jkingston
6 August 2011 at 4:16 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Given your abiding interest in cephalopods, you should check out the segment on Science Friday yesterday (5 August 11) on octopus camouflage. Here’s a link to an astonishing video demonstration:
http://www.sciencefriday.com/videos/watch/10398
Brownian
6 August 2011 at 5:30 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Aren’t cats just like furry slugs?
Maybe I’m feeding mine too much.
Brownian
6 August 2011 at 5:40 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
[Notes Audley's distates; has admin assistant move her down the list.]
AusieMike
6 August 2011 at 5:45 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Ahh!….now I feel like a cigarette! Totally relaxed!
Audley Z. Darkheart OM, purveyor of candy and lies
6 August 2011 at 5:54 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Fuck yeah!
Outta my way, suckers!
Skepgineer, rusty knife of a thousand porcupines
6 August 2011 at 6:15 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Kinky.
Owlmirror
6 August 2011 at 6:59 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
“Down” is the opposite of “up”.
/Just sayin’
=====
The other day, I noticed two leopard slugs, doing what looked like the “chase after one another” phase. I wondered if they were going to put on the show depicted in the video, but I didn’t feel like waiting, especially since I could see no nearby location not on private property that was high enough for the slime bungee cord.
Pteryxx greedily watches your toes and
6 August 2011 at 7:04 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
ot @Skepgineer, you’ve got the BEST avatar photo ever to be shrunk down to 32 pixels square. Just sayin’.
Audley Z. Darkheart OM, purveyor of candy and lies
6 August 2011 at 7:07 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Wait… am I closer to having ghey secks with Brownian or not?
Caine, Ghetto féministe
6 August 2011 at 7:08 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Audley:
I’m pretty sure moving down on the list makes you further from that happiness. :(
dexitroboper
6 August 2011 at 7:33 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Obligatory anti-mollusc comment.
Audley Z. Darkheart OM, purveyor of candy and lies
6 August 2011 at 7:48 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Caine:
Oh noes! I was near the end of the line as it is. :(
Caine, Ghetto féministe
6 August 2011 at 7:49 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Audley:
Are you sure you dislike squishy sex noises? ;)
Audley Z. Darkheart OM, purveyor of candy and lies
6 August 2011 at 7:53 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
As an aside: I hope Brownian likes ghey secks with little old ladies, ‘cos at the rate I’m going, I won’t be at the front of the line ’til I’m in my 90′s.
Seriously, I didn’t need to hear squishy slug sex noises. I’M SORRY YOU DON’T LIKE THAT, BROWNIAN.
RemembersABeach
6 August 2011 at 8:05 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Audley – clearly Brownian needs to work the list a little faster. (I almost suggested he pick up the pace, but who wants fast ghey secks?)
'Tis Himself, OM
6 August 2011 at 8:16 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Note to self: Modify whoopie cushion to make squishy slug sex noises before having ghey secks with Brownian.
Mr Wainscotting
6 August 2011 at 11:35 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I went to a burlesque show where two dancers recreated this very thing on stage. It was beautiful/weird.
BinJabreel
6 August 2011 at 11:42 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
All I’ll say is, I’ve seen a cat get manually stimulated so she’d go out of heat… And I’m pretty sure that if all humans had orgasms like that, there would be no war or fighting or unhappiness anywhere in the world.
Seriously, that shit went on for almost five minutes.
BinJabreel
6 August 2011 at 11:55 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Okay, so talking about snail mating has made it so I can’t help myself.
Roger the Alien
7 August 2011 at 1:19 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Wow, this takes me back…
Michel
7 August 2011 at 1:29 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
This is unreal! I really wonder what kind of evolutionary pressure(s) might have led to this…
Roger the Alien
7 August 2011 at 2:36 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Well, if you stumbled across this would the first thing to cross your mind be ‘I want to eat that’?
And yes, I’m be facetious.
johnm55
7 August 2011 at 4:03 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
So that is what they get up to when they are not eating my lettuce.
Cats don’t eat my lettuce they just scratch in my seed beds and leave nice little deposits for me to find when I am hand weeding.
I prefer slugs.
drbunsen le savant fou
7 August 2011 at 4:23 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Favourite. Attenborough. Clip. Ever.
Sili
7 August 2011 at 4:29 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
The desire not to get dirt in your dickhead.
www.vigadget-it.info free script mp3 ..
24 October 2011 at 7:34 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I do not disagree with this post!!