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Anti-Caturday Post

Have you ever witnessed a cat in heat? Yowling, hissing, screaming, tearing at each other…or at best, moping about the house, trying to get intimate in unseemly ways with you, pressing their butts up against everything and responding to every touch with lordosis. They are tacky and obnoxious. It’s no wonder that pet owners get the randy little beasts neutered — it’s not just to prevent them spawning more of their creepy kind, but to suppress their repulsive sexual demonstrations.

Now molluscs, on the other hand — if we had them as pets, we’d be putting hormones in their food to induce more frequent balletic copulations. We’d want a pair elegantly and silently writhing in a corner of the living room all the time, and we’d applaud in wonder and stroke them when they were done, murmuring “Beautiful boy/girl, lovely boy/girl, well done.”

(Also on Sb)

Comments

  1. Blueaussi says

    Blegh! Slugs are the enemy, they munch my garden. Toads, now, toads are our friends, they eat slugs.

  2. René says

    I think I have seen that video before, and I’m not going to watch it again. It’s as obscene as it gets.

  3. Kevin Anthoney says

    Now molluscs, on the other hand — if we had them as pets, we’d be putting hormones in their food to induce more frequent balletic copulations.

    Any guesses as to why we don’t have them as pets?

  4. Rumtopf says

    @Kevin Anthoney

    Funny you should say that. I have a pet African Giant Land Snail (Achatina Fulica) and he’s wonderful :D. Coasts around in his tub making weird farty noises, enjoys the occasional dish of beer(and gets droopy eyestalks). His name is Gregory House MD.

    Sucks that they’re illegal in the US though.

  5. Garrett says

    Will I be the first to say it? … it gives a whole new meaning to the notion of dickheads! Sorry, but I’m sure many of you thought the same ;)

  6. Audley Z. Darkheart OM, purveyor of candy and lies says

    That was pretty cool. I could have done without all of the squishy noises, though. XD

  7. magistramarla says

    Sorry guys, but I’ll stick with my sweet, big, fat, lazy neutered cats. I like my pets to be furry, purry and loving.

  8. Daniel Brady says

    I love that video it’s very cool and amusingly at the end a popup ad said “looking for a date?”
    I’ll leave well alone I think.

  9. Sili says

    AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

    I HATE SNAILS! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE THEM!

    ARRRRRRrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh

    Did they really have to yank up the volume like that?!

    *squishy*squishy*squishy*squishy*squishy*squishy*squishy*

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

  10. says

    Too slow. Moved at a slug-like pace. Needed at least one car chase. 2/5.
    I don’t think I’m going to put this in my slug novel…
    And: Is that where we get toothpaste?

  11. says

    Yep…the man is a freak, no doubt about that…Though I will grant his argument about cats mating…nothing more annoying than listening to them rutting on the fence in the backward. Hence, my new elephant gun.

    Sure, I have to replace the fence (and my shoulder) every now and then, but a single shot will shut the little buggers up for at least a fortnight!

    Everyone knows that cats of course, are next to useless except with their ability to get rid of vermin and the diseases associated with them.

    Useful as house companions though? Hell no.

    In case of a fire, the cat will think of himself first and will run out without the slightest regard for any other victims.

    Now, a canine on the other hand will make sure that he’s warned and woken up the others before he even thinks about running out himself.

    Pity the poor fool though who has only molluscs and cephalopods as pets though. What are they going to do in a fire? Provide some food for the fireman once the blaze is out??

    Phhhphph!

    Nope, as fare as useful animals go: Cats are good so long as you keep them outside. Dogs are useful anywhere. Cephalopods and molluscs?

    Maybe only as food for those desperate enough to try to eat those cthuloid abominations!

  12. says

    As an example of these horrid abominations that this otherwise sensible biologist is besotted with, I present: The geoduck*! The most inappropriately named animal on the planet.

    *Unlike IDists and creationists, I actually use scholarly peer-reviewed** materials.

    **My peers being of course, drunken bored idiots.

  13. 'Tis Himself, OM says

    Have you ever witnessed a cat in heat? Yowling, hissing, screaming, tearing at each other…or at best, moping about the house, trying to get intimate in unseemly ways with you, pressing their butts up against everything and responding to every touch with lordosis.

    You say that like it’s a bad thing.

  14. Crudely Wrott says

    Wow. I’ll bet that felt really good. The pace is so delicately balanced between languor an impetuousness. Anticipation . . .

    And it’s juicy. It ain’t no use if you ain’t go the juice, ya know.

    Not that I think I can but if I could do that with someone and be that balanced and juicy, I’m sure I’d fall straight to the ground after, too.

  15. Brownian says

    That was pretty cool. I could have done without all of the squishy noises, though. XD

    [Notes Audley’s distates; has admin assistant move her down the list.]

  16. Audley Z. Darkheart OM, purveyor of candy and lies says

    [Notes Audley’s distates; has admin assistant move her down the list.]

    Fuck yeah!

    Outta my way, suckers!

  17. Owlmirror says

    Fuck yeah!

    Outta my way, suckers!

    “Down” is the opposite of “up”.

    /Just sayin’

    =====

    The other day, I noticed two leopard slugs, doing what looked like the “chase after one another” phase. I wondered if they were going to put on the show depicted in the video, but I didn’t feel like waiting, especially since I could see no nearby location not on private property that was high enough for the slime bungee cord.

  18. Pteryxx greedily watches your toes and says

    ot @Skepgineer, you’ve got the BEST avatar photo ever to be shrunk down to 32 pixels square. Just sayin’.

  19. Audley Z. Darkheart OM, purveyor of candy and lies says

    Wait… am I closer to having ghey secks with Brownian or not?

  20. Audley Z. Darkheart OM, purveyor of candy and lies says

    Caine:
    Oh noes! I was near the end of the line as it is. :(

  21. Audley Z. Darkheart OM, purveyor of candy and lies says

    As an aside: I hope Brownian likes ghey secks with little old ladies, ‘cos at the rate I’m going, I won’t be at the front of the line ’til I’m in my 90’s.

    Seriously, I didn’t need to hear squishy slug sex noises. I’M SORRY YOU DON’T LIKE THAT, BROWNIAN.

  22. RemembersABeach says

    Audley – clearly Brownian needs to work the list a little faster. (I almost suggested he pick up the pace, but who wants fast ghey secks?)

  23. 'Tis Himself, OM says

    Note to self: Modify whoopie cushion to make squishy slug sex noises before having ghey secks with Brownian.

  24. Mr Wainscotting says

    I went to a burlesque show where two dancers recreated this very thing on stage. It was beautiful/weird.

  25. BinJabreel says

    All I’ll say is, I’ve seen a cat get manually stimulated so she’d go out of heat… And I’m pretty sure that if all humans had orgasms like that, there would be no war or fighting or unhappiness anywhere in the world.

    Seriously, that shit went on for almost five minutes.

  26. Roger the Alien says

    Well, if you stumbled across this would the first thing to cross your mind be ‘I want to eat that’?

    And yes, I’m be facetious.

  27. says

    So that is what they get up to when they are not eating my lettuce.
    Cats don’t eat my lettuce they just scratch in my seed beds and leave nice little deposits for me to find when I am hand weeding.
    I prefer slugs.

  28. Sili says

    This is unreal! I really wonder what kind of evolutionary pressure(s) might have led to this…

    The desire not to get dirt in your dickhead.