Quantcast

«

»

Aug 06 2011

Anti-Caturday Post

Have you ever witnessed a cat in heat? Yowling, hissing, screaming, tearing at each other…or at best, moping about the house, trying to get intimate in unseemly ways with you, pressing their butts up against everything and responding to every touch with lordosis. They are tacky and obnoxious. It’s no wonder that pet owners get the randy little beasts neutered — it’s not just to prevent them spawning more of their creepy kind, but to suppress their repulsive sexual demonstrations.

Now molluscs, on the other hand — if we had them as pets, we’d be putting hormones in their food to induce more frequent balletic copulations. We’d want a pair elegantly and silently writhing in a corner of the living room all the time, and we’d applaud in wonder and stroke them when they were done, murmuring “Beautiful boy/girl, lovely boy/girl, well done.”

(Also on Sb)

46 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. 1
    Blueaussi

    Blegh! Slugs are the enemy, they munch my garden. Toads, now, toads are our friends, they eat slugs.

  2. 2
    René

    I think I have seen that video before, and I’m not going to watch it again. It’s as obscene as it gets.

  3. 3
    Glen Davidson

    At least they can’t look any worse than they do just moving, or existing.

    Now a dead slug, that’s an improvement.

    Glen Davidson

  4. 4
    Kevin Anthoney

    Now molluscs, on the other hand — if we had them as pets, we’d be putting hormones in their food to induce more frequent balletic copulations.

    Any guesses as to why we don’t have them as pets?

  5. 5
    Rumtopf

    @Kevin Anthoney

    Funny you should say that. I have a pet African Giant Land Snail (Achatina Fulica) and he’s wonderful :D. Coasts around in his tub making weird farty noises, enjoys the occasional dish of beer(and gets droopy eyestalks). His name is Gregory House MD.

    Sucks that they’re illegal in the US though.

  6. 6
    Garrett

    Will I be the first to say it? … it gives a whole new meaning to the notion of dickheads! Sorry, but I’m sure many of you thought the same ;)

  7. 7
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    That was pretty cool. I could have done without all of the squishy noises, though. XD

  8. 8
    magistramarla

    Sorry guys, but I’ll stick with my sweet, big, fat, lazy neutered cats. I like my pets to be furry, purry and loving.

  9. 9
    Daniel Brady

    I love that video it’s very cool and amusingly at the end a popup ad said “looking for a date?”
    I’ll leave well alone I think.

  10. 10
    Sili

    AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

    I HATE SNAILS! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE THEM!

    ARRRRRRrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh

    Did they really have to yank up the volume like that?!

    *squishy*squishy*squishy*squishy*squishy*squishy*squishy*

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

  11. 11
    Duth Olec

    Too slow. Moved at a slug-like pace. Needed at least one car chase. 2/5.
    I don’t think I’m going to put this in my slug novel…
    And: Is that where we get toothpaste?

  12. 12
    Sili

    Achatina Fulica

    AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

  13. 13
    Dhorvath, OM

    Mmmm, smooth skin and lube everywhere. Where do I sign up to try?

  14. 14
    "Roger"

    Yep…the man is a freak, no doubt about that…Though I will grant his argument about cats mating…nothing more annoying than listening to them rutting on the fence in the backward. Hence, my new elephant gun.

    Sure, I have to replace the fence (and my shoulder) every now and then, but a single shot will shut the little buggers up for at least a fortnight!

    Everyone knows that cats of course, are next to useless except with their ability to get rid of vermin and the diseases associated with them.

    Useful as house companions though? Hell no.

    In case of a fire, the cat will think of himself first and will run out without the slightest regard for any other victims.

    Now, a canine on the other hand will make sure that he’s warned and woken up the others before he even thinks about running out himself.

    Pity the poor fool though who has only molluscs and cephalopods as pets though. What are they going to do in a fire? Provide some food for the fireman once the blaze is out??

    Phhhphph!

    Nope, as fare as useful animals go: Cats are good so long as you keep them outside. Dogs are useful anywhere. Cephalopods and molluscs?

    Maybe only as food for those desperate enough to try to eat those cthuloid abominations!

  15. 15
    "Roger"

    As an example of these horrid abominations that this otherwise sensible biologist is besotted with, I present: The geoduck*! The most inappropriately named animal on the planet.

    *Unlike IDists and creationists, I actually use scholarly peer-reviewed** materials.

    **My peers being of course, drunken bored idiots.

  16. 16
    AKron

    Anti-Caturday is finially here!!!
    Now I can show off my new custom t-shirt. Yea!
    Kind of cheesy, but I’m so backed up in with video editing I really shouldn’t be doing this (but I must)
    enjoy!

  17. 17
    schism

    And I thought human mating was needlessly complicated…

  18. 18
    Inaji

    Wow. That was…impressive.

  19. 19
    'Tis Himself

    Have you ever witnessed a cat in heat? Yowling, hissing, screaming, tearing at each other…or at best, moping about the house, trying to get intimate in unseemly ways with you, pressing their butts up against everything and responding to every touch with lordosis.

    You say that like it’s a bad thing.

  20. 20
    Crudely Wrott

    Wow. I’ll bet that felt really good. The pace is so delicately balanced between languor an impetuousness. Anticipation . . .

    And it’s juicy. It ain’t no use if you ain’t go the juice, ya know.

    Not that I think I can but if I could do that with someone and be that balanced and juicy, I’m sure I’d fall straight to the ground after, too.

  21. 21
    jkingston

    Given your abiding interest in cephalopods, you should check out the segment on Science Friday yesterday (5 August 11) on octopus camouflage. Here’s a link to an astonishing video demonstration:

    http://www.sciencefriday.com/videos/watch/10398

  22. 22
    Brownian

    Aren’t cats just like furry slugs?

    Maybe I’m feeding mine too much.

  23. 23
    Brownian

    That was pretty cool. I could have done without all of the squishy noises, though. XD

    [Notes Audley's distates; has admin assistant move her down the list.]

  24. 24
    AusieMike

    Ahh!….now I feel like a cigarette! Totally relaxed!

  25. 25
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    [Notes Audley's distates; has admin assistant move her down the list.]

    Fuck yeah!

    Outta my way, suckers!

  26. 26
    Skepgineer

    Kinky.

  27. 27
    Owlmirror

    Fuck yeah!

    Outta my way, suckers!

    “Down” is the opposite of “up”.

    /Just sayin’

    =====

    The other day, I noticed two leopard slugs, doing what looked like the “chase after one another” phase. I wondered if they were going to put on the show depicted in the video, but I didn’t feel like waiting, especially since I could see no nearby location not on private property that was high enough for the slime bungee cord.

  28. 28
    Pteryxx

    ot @Skepgineer, you’ve got the BEST avatar photo ever to be shrunk down to 32 pixels square. Just sayin’.

  29. 29
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    Wait… am I closer to having ghey secks with Brownian or not?

  30. 30
    Inaji

    Audley:

    Wait… am I closer to having ghey secks with Brownian or not?

    I’m pretty sure moving down on the list makes you further from that happiness. :(

  31. 31
    dexitroboper

    Obligatory anti-mollusc comment.

  32. 32
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    Caine:
    Oh noes! I was near the end of the line as it is. :(

  33. 33
    Inaji

    Audley:

    Oh noes! I was near the end of the line as it is. :(

    Are you sure you dislike squishy sex noises? ;)

  34. 34
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    As an aside: I hope Brownian likes ghey secks with little old ladies, ‘cos at the rate I’m going, I won’t be at the front of the line ’til I’m in my 90′s.

    Seriously, I didn’t need to hear squishy slug sex noises. I’M SORRY YOU DON’T LIKE THAT, BROWNIAN.

  35. 35
    ImaginesABeach

    Audley – clearly Brownian needs to work the list a little faster. (I almost suggested he pick up the pace, but who wants fast ghey secks?)

  36. 36
    'Tis Himself

    Note to self: Modify whoopie cushion to make squishy slug sex noises before having ghey secks with Brownian.

  37. 37
    Mr Wainscotting

    I went to a burlesque show where two dancers recreated this very thing on stage. It was beautiful/weird.

  38. 38
    BinJabreel

    All I’ll say is, I’ve seen a cat get manually stimulated so she’d go out of heat… And I’m pretty sure that if all humans had orgasms like that, there would be no war or fighting or unhappiness anywhere in the world.

    Seriously, that shit went on for almost five minutes.

  39. 39
    BinJabreel

    Okay, so talking about snail mating has made it so I can’t help myself.

  40. 40
    The Rat King

    Wow, this takes me back…

  41. 41
    Michel

    This is unreal! I really wonder what kind of evolutionary pressure(s) might have led to this…

  42. 42
    The Rat King

    Well, if you stumbled across this would the first thing to cross your mind be ‘I want to eat that’?

    And yes, I’m be facetious.

  43. 43
    johnm55

    So that is what they get up to when they are not eating my lettuce.
    Cats don’t eat my lettuce they just scratch in my seed beds and leave nice little deposits for me to find when I am hand weeding.
    I prefer slugs.

  44. 44
    drbunsen, le savant fous

    Favourite. Attenborough. Clip. Ever.

  45. 45
    Sili

    This is unreal! I really wonder what kind of evolutionary pressure(s) might have led to this…

    The desire not to get dirt in your dickhead.

  46. 46
    www.vigadget-it.info free script mp3 ..

    I do not disagree with this post!!

Comments have been disabled.