I have no idea why, but my fears of getting hate mail or death threats simply have not (yet) materialized. Knowing what I know about what happens to those who poke their heads out of anonymity long enough to point out societal racism or the need for anti-racist and feminist dialogue in a community that may not be the most welcoming to that conversation (yet), I expected the worst. What I’ve gotten instead has been nothing short of amazing. The only unprompted blog-related e-mails I get are either a) people asking me for advice on some sticky piece of ambiguity or another; or b) telling me how amazing I am. I am always happy to do what I can for the ‘a)’ people, and the ‘b)’ people consistently knock me on my ass and leave me sputtering to convey adequate thanks.
That being said, I do get a fair amount of spam from people who advertise themselves as ‘publicists’, hawking this book or that one. A lot of them are pr0-religion or talking about some miracle cure for some disease; a very precious few are about interesting and useful scientific studies; most of them, however, are useless and deleted immediately. Despite my repeated attempts to unsubscribe from whatever mailing list I’m on, they flow in at the rate of one or two a day, which I am happy to chalk up as a minor annoyance.
Until today, when I received an e-mail entitled “Fake it Till You Make It” – 10 Fantasy Football Tips Every Girl Should Know ASAP:
Dear , [no name. Not off to a great start...]
Hope you are well [no you don't, you fucking liar]. There is nothing hotter for a guy than to see a girl in a football jersey [um... it's sad that you either believe this or think that other people do. Setting aside the stupidity of assuming that what I find 'hot' has primarily to do with their clothes, there are a lot of things I'd find more appealing on a woman than a football jersey.], why not have some insider advice [remember this phrase for when you see what their actual 'insider advice' is] in your pocket to go along with that? With football season on the horizon, plenty of boyfriends, husbands and friends have already begun turning their attention to the game and the “dreaded” fantasy football [and, y'know... some women who actually enjoy football. But I guess that's like talking about a unicorn to you].
Whether your readers would secretly love to get in the game themselves but are too nervous, or would love to find a way to get in the conversation and maybe impress a special someone, the team at SFF – Suicide Fantasy Football – offering a new twist on the traditional fantasy platform with user friendly sign-up, “no-research” rankings, auto-picks, and more, put together a list of tips every girl should know:
As a guy who knows fuck all about football, I’m a little cheesed that it’s only “girls” who can benefit from what will clearly be a list of super-insightful tips, but hey at least I’ll get some useful advice.
1. Don’t draft Peyton Manning. He’s coming back from injury and will be a big question mark this year
See? This is good to know! I spent a few seasons thinking that Peyton’s nickname was “Eli” before I realized there were two Mannings playing football. Their parents must be proud. Prognosticate on, oh wise soothsayer!
2. Kickers don’t matter
I guess don’t tell that to these guys?
3. Draft Brandon Lloyd – You may not know him, but he’s with Tom Brady and that’s a good thing for fantasy football!
Sure. Never heard of him, but you haven’t steered me wrong so far.
4. Brett Favre retired
Yeah, like twenty times. Pretty sure if I know this, everyone knows this.
5. Don’t pick players based on looks, just because Sanchez and Tebow are hot, doesn’t mean they can throw a football
Your sage advice is seriously “don’t pick the cutest boy”? If you think football is decided by a goddamn beauty pageant, you’re probably too stupid to read this e-mail anyway. The number of people for whom this is actual useful advice is roughly the same number of people whose relationships will be ruined by legal gay marriage – zero!
6. Stay away from anybody on the Washington Redskins. That’s right, we said it!
That’s just good advice for life, though. Racist-ass name.
7. Don’t overvalue teams from your hometown or geographic location
Um, you sent this to a Canucks fan. Hockey fans in general will always root for ‘their’ team, regardless of their record. At least ‘my’ guys have a couple of Presidents Trophies.
8. Give your guy a 12:50pm reminder to set his lineup
That’s pretty considerate, but of course you think the “girls” reading this article are dumbfounded by pretty faces, so I’m surprised you think enough of them to believe them capable of working an alarm clock.
9. Pick a really fun team name
This will definitely help me win! Thanks for the tip, genius!
10. Never pick players based on the color of their jersey
Oh what the fuuu…
Please let me know if you would be interested to use this list for your readers or if you would like to speak with someone from SFF [Oh I definitely want to speak to someone from SFF. The problem is that ze may not get a word in edgewise]. More information about SFF is below and feel free to check out: www.suicidefantasyfootball.com
Thanks and look forward to hearing from you [I somehow doubt it]!
Aileen [This e-mail brought to you by our sponsor: internalized misogyny!]
SFF – Suicide Fantasy Football is the perfect game for beginners and the most experienced alike to get turned on to the fantasy football bug! Here’s what’s great about SFF:
- There is no draft. Picking players is a breeze with all the research work done for you by the SFF team.
- No smoke filled room and 4 hour meetings with guys talking about their glory days
- You can learn as much or as little as you want about the players and teams and come out looking like an expert from
It’s as simple as fantasy football can get. Our website ranks players from worst to best or best to worst for simple selection. By week 2 or 3 you’ll know all the names and where they stand in the NFL rankings. It will be great to surprise them over Thursday night dinner when you ask them who the better player is this week, Peyton manning or Tom Brady [That is, unless you're perioding too hard to get out of the kitchen with those sammiches]?
Aileen has asked me to remove her personal info from this page. Gee, I thought she wanted publicity?
My response was pretty short: “Please don’t send me any more sexist shit like this. What the HELL are you thinking?”
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