I have a friend who dates women who are… to put it bluntly, they’re plain. I don’t mean plain-looking (whatever that means) – some of them have been remarkably attractive; no, these women are just the personality equivalent of stale Wonderbread dipped in lukewarm water. They have no real personality characteristics that make them stand out, and are not even interesting enough to be shy – they aren’t afraid to speak, they just don’t have anything to say. They are the “regular” flavour of Jell-O. They are the white noise at the end of a cassette tape. They are the living avatar of the colour beige.
The United States seems to be deep in the throes of bland passion with their own featureless paramour: one Mitt Romney. The man is so boring that when sex tapes of him and his wife were discovered, the MPAA rated them ‘ZZZ’. Tostitos has made its famous salsa available in ‘hot’, ‘medium’, ‘mild’, and ‘Mitt’ (where ‘Mitt’ is just a can of tomato sauce that has been lightly rubbed against an onion). Homeopaths have described him as a ’30C human’.
He’s boring, I guess, is what I’m saying.
Here’s the funny thing though: even the most boring and soporific of Republicans can always be relied on to be secretly really fucking racist:
As the Republican presidential challenger accused Barack Obama of appeasing America’s enemies in his first foreign policy speech of the US general election campaign, advisers told The Daily Telegraph that he would abandon Mr Obama’s “Left-wing” coolness towards London.
In remarks that may prompt accusations of racial insensitivity, one suggested that Mr Romney was better placed to understand the depth of ties between the two countries than Mr Obama, whose father was from Africa.
“We are part of an Anglo-Saxon heritage, and he feels that the special relationship is special,” the adviser said of Mr Romney, adding: “The White House didn’t fully appreciate the shared history we have”.
Get it? Because the President is just too damn black to appreciate England. You serve him tea? He pours it on the ground to commemorate his fallen homies! You invite him to play cricket? He tries to slam dunk the ball! You brutally colonize his ancestral homeland? He doesn’t appreciate it! Not Mitt, though. Mitt gets it, because Mitt’s white. Whiter than the cliffs of Dover. Just don’t ask him if you can bum a fag…
Now. To be fair. It was not candidate Romney who made this boneheadedly stupid remark. It was only a member of his campaign staff, speaking to a member of the media. This presents us with two options. Either a) the Romney campaign is staffed by people who are so grossly incompetent and blisteringly idiotic that they have no clue whatsoever about how crazily racist a statement like that is, or b) the Romney campaign (who is not running for office in England) is trying to feed some under-the-table fuel to the crazily racist part of their base.
I honestly can’t decide which option is more likely, but when I read stuff like this:
“Obama is a Left-winger,” said another. “He doesn’t value the Nato alliance as much, he’s very comfortable with American decline and the traditional alliances don’t mean as much to him. He wouldn’t like singing ‘Land of Hope and Glory’.”
The two advisers said Mr Romney would seek to reinstate the Churchill bust displayed in the Oval Office by George W. Bush but returned to British diplomats by Mr Obama when he took office in 2009. One said Mr Romney viewed the move as “symbolically important” while the other said it was “just for starters”, adding: “He is naturally more Atlanticist”.
My ‘coded racism’ alarms go off. “Obama’s not one of us. He’s not a real patriot. He’s not a real American. He doesn’t value American traditions. He’s not an ‘Atlanticist’*.” Whether or not the racism dripping from those statements is intentional, it definitely reveals the mindset of a party that has never ceased trying to cast this President as a dangerous foreign influence hell-bent on the destruction of white America. And Mitt Romney is their nominee.
At least my rising nausea isn’t boring.
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*Would that make him a Pacificist?