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Jan 25 2011

I get spam e-mail

I get a lot of spam, to be sure, but I just delete most of it when I see it.

This one I thought was particularly fun though:

Dear Friends in Christ,

I greet you out there in Jesus Lovely (oh good, we finally have a surname for the guy) name. I am the way, the truth and the life, no man cometh to the Father but by me John 14:6. Jesus Christ is our salvation! I was searching for a study material when I came across your email and convinced you are a Christian (your Christian radar is either several years out of date or it’s pranking you).

Please do not be angry at this letter and undermine me (I wouldn’t dream of it) because I am reaching you through the internet (But not because you’re soliciting me for cash without even bothering to learn my name?). God led me to your email (He and I are Facebook friends too, you know) and I know I’m blessed having to know you (aww, shucks!). I am a member of Living Faith Church. By His grace I’m a believer born again and blood bought( blood of Jesus) (oh good, I thought it was something gross, like NOT the blood of a 2000 year-old Palestinian). I am married with six children. I have a great passion doing the work of the master (Ray Comfort? Splinter? Funkmaster Flex?) especially now I work on my own having not to be disturbed like when I was working 10 hours in the clerk office work.. I am not rich in this wordly riches but rich spiritually in Christ (That and $4.50 will buy you a latté). I came to know Christ in 1984 and since then serve Him with commitment. I live in an area where there is much hunger and crisis but the Lord keeps us from them all (citation needed). Our church is a small church with about thirty people. I am the church secretary as well as Adult Sunday school teacher (my church never had Adult Sunday; where do I sign up?). As you can see I can speak and understand English well as we are British colonised country (it’s at least no worse than people write here in North America).

I am writing you because I need your help for bibles. Bibles are costly here and many Christians do not have bibles (how do they know who to hate?). Most get theirs from people in other countries when they can reach to other Christians there. My friend told me to go internet where I can get some to help and I know God has directed me to you (“God, can you help us with our bible shortage?” “Ugh, you again? Go bother an atheist!”). My wife and I needs the super giant print bibles which has very large print and we need this due to reading difficulty. Please kindly send us two copies (Certainly sir, anything else?). Also I’m using this medium to request for additional 6 super giant print bibles for the aged ones in the Sunday school class. king James Version would be preferable as we mostly use this during service. If other version is what you have we would appreciate them. The bibles could also be used bibles as long as the pages are correct we would use them (So the Jefferson Bible is out then? Good to know). All bibles are needed in English and please you can send them through registered or insured air-mail through post office. Post office EMS post is also very fast and safe. Please kindly help us and sow this seed to our lives here. Where a seed is sown, harvest will surely come and it will come to you (so I give you Bibles, and then you’re going to show up at my house? No deal). I would prayerfully wait to hear from you (I will answer it the way God supposedly answers prayers – you’ll have no idea when those Bibles are coming, but don’t worry, just have faith and some day they will arrive).

The LORD bless thee, and keep thee: The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee: The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.

In His service
Ikponmwen izekor

My address is
No. 27 Asaliya Road, NIPST-IPOB 3023,
BENIN CITY, EDO STATE,
NIGERIA.

If I actually cared enough, I’d send him a copy of the God Delusion, but I’m currently using it as a beer coaster (I’m just kidding – I downloaded the audiobook from a torrent).

1 comment

  1. 1
    Katherine

    I can never get those five minutes back, Mr. Crommunist.

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