Herman Cain’s pizza divinations


If politics doesn’t work out for Herman Cain (lol), maybe he can get paid to do cheap parlor tricks. Like determining people’s personality based on the pizza they like:

When questioned on what he could tell about a man by the type of pizza he likes, Cain declared, “The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is.” After being asked to explain his reasoning, the presidential hopeful said, “Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance.”

Cain then went a step further, ripping the delicacy of choice for veggie-hungry pizza fans: “A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.”

Obviously I’m a little unusual because I like black olives, and a slut because I like sausage. See, it works!

It’s sad when my number one reaction to quotes from Republican Presidental candidates is consistently “Not sure if this is from the Onion or not…”

Comments

  1. Randomfactor says

    Behavior like this is why the Mustache Institute reversed their endorsement. And Cain would agree that THEY are certainly manly.

    I think this guy peaked early, when he was doing the weather and birthdays on the Today Show.

  2. Eric says

    Wow – black olives and sausage – that’s what I like too! Does that mean I’m a female blogger? Boy will my wife be surprised!

  3. eigenperson says

    I like anchovies and garlic. Does that make me smelly?

    Well, okay, yes it does. But I’m pretty sure this is a special case.

  4. becca says

    I am a proud cheese pizza eater. I have observed that everyone who likes all those thingies on their pizza are DELUDED jackhats. Because they always end up eating one piece of manly pizza and then three of my cheese. Therefore
    1) I am the antithesis of Hermain Cain
    and
    2) Hermain Cain is a deluded jackhat who must be kept away from my plate at all costs.

  5. Tommy says

    The incredulity of you commenters says to me that you are unfamiliar with this field of candidates who have have said far far FAR more ridiculous things during this primary campaign, any ONE of which one would think would automatically preclude one from running. But no. They all persist in running despite saying, to the man, idiotic or insane things. I think at this point, the reason none of this insanity has disQualified any of them is because there would be NO candidates by now.

  6. N. Nescio says

    As an AMI member, I was vocally opposed to their endorsement. Guy rocks a good politician ‘stache, but I would have rather seen more support for the guy from “The Rent Is Too Damn High Party”.

    He’d get my vote.

    As for pizza toppings, unless you’ve personally killed, butchered and prepared animals into sausage/pepperoni/canadian bacon/american bacon/pancetta/whatever else is on your pizza, the quantity of toppings counts for nothing.

  7. Ryan says

    I like my pizza with as many different meat toppings available. I always go straight for the “meat lovers” or whatever that particular establishment calls it, or just pick three to five of their best meat toppings. Despite this, I don’t think anyone would possibly describe me as a “manly man”.

  8. spdoyle17 says

    What a coincidence, I was picking up a pizza at the time you posted that. Pepperoni, black olive, onion, and tomatoes, (the first two are my usual.) I guess Cain would think I’m a bit of a conflicted guy? Every time one of those candidates get in front of a microphone, we all win. Now if only the GOP nominated a Bachmann-Santorum ticket…

  9. August Pamplona says

    I actually wonder about “Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance.” . I wonder if that’s not related to the “positive thinking” that is talked about in _Bright-sided_ by Barbara Ehrenreich. You know, how a man who is not afraid of abundance would never be poor thus poor folk are poor because they are bringing it upon themselves.

  10. says

    Oh, I came across this one yesterday. I just love the combination of idiot sexist machismo and meat-industry-shilling.

    Hey, Herman! Yes, I like vegetables on my pizza. (In fact, I don’t even eat meat at all!) Apparently this makes me a sissy… and I’ll wear that accolade with pride. :-)

  11. thztds says

    You mean they hunt their own pizza! Preferably with a crossbow, spear, or a fully automatic assault rifle.

  12. jose says

    Weapons are for sissies. I, for instance, only eat sharks and tigers which I previously kill with my bare hands.

  13. says

    Back when I had teeth my preferred pizza consisted of an english muffin base; with pasta sauce, slices of cheddar or swiss, and chunks of chicken.

    Yes, I live in California. Your point?

  14. Katrina says

    All those manly men I met when I lived in Italy, who only liked three things on their pizzas, and none of them were meat…

  15. Carmen Moyers says

    If meat pizza is manly and veggie pizza is for sissys I had to see what this man does for preventative health care… :(

  16. Brian says

    WIMPS! A true man condenses a pizza from a primordial soup of organic building-block molecules! And then COOKS it! In an OVEN! Microwaves are for sissies!

  17. StephenS says

    Obviously, preventive health care is also for sissies. Truly manly men will have died young in battle or base jumping or hunting pizza or something.

  18. Jeff Sherry says

    This pre-election cycle has amassed the goofiest group of candidates that I’ve ever seen. I wonder what bon mots Cain would deliver if he came across the peanut butter pizza of Howell, MI?

  19. StJason says

    Ooh! Ooh! It’s like those old logic puzzles!
    Herman Cain eats overloaded meat pizzas.
    Herman Cain is a arrogant asshat.
    If I eat a overloaded meat pizza, I’ll be like Herman Cain.

    ……

    Veggie pizza comin’ up!

  20. Fell Beast says

    I cannot tolerate any cheese or vegetables of any kind on my pizza. Hate ‘em. Wonder what Cain would say about that.

    Also wonder if he thinks he could tell whether I’m male or female just from my pizza preferences. Someone should test that.

  21. Azkyroth says

    Obviously I’m a little unusual because I like black olives, and a slut because I like sausage. See, it works!

    But the sausage on pizza is ground up into little bits. O.O I thought you said on the HUMP! thread you didn’t go for kinky stuff. x.x

  22. says

    I hate olives, but broccoli on pizza is delicious. I love white pizza too… er, does that mean I’m a racist?

    Damn it, this thread is making me hungry just before bed. :P

  23. Hamilton Jacobi says

    This is obviously being misreported by the biased lamestream media to make Herman Cain look like a clown. What he really said was “portly”.

    When questioned on what he could tell about a man by the type of pizza he likes, Cain declared, “The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more portly he is.” After being asked to explain his reasoning, the presidential hopeful said, “Because the more portly man is not afraid of abundance.”

    Cain then went a step further, ripping the delicacy of choice for veggie-hungry pizza fans: “A portly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that an athlete’s pizza.”

  24. says

    ATLANTA GA (AP) In a surprise press conference yesterday, presidential hopeful and republican front runner Herman Cain admitted that all of the allegations of sexual harassment made against him were true.

    “Just as God told me to run for president, God told me to grope those women. Let’s face facts, if God had not intended for men to grope women, he wouldn’t have made their asses as soft as deep dish pizza dough.”

    Cain added, “Furthermore, if those women had been at home, in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, those allegations would have never been necessary. When I am elected president, all women who work at the White House will wear Hooters uniforms.”

  25. jufulu says

    I’m wondering if he is compensating for something by having a large numbers of items on his pizza. I’m also assuming that he gets the largest pizza possible.

  26. killertapir says

    I like lots and lots of toppings, all of them manly meat and not sissy vegetables which should make me the manliest man that ever manned, right?

    And yet I’m somehow not. So either I have Ron Swanson as a split personality or maybe perhaps you can’t tell peoples attitude by the pizza they eat. Who knows?

  27. Mikey says

    God, what a jackass. What does he think about people who don’t eat Godfather’s Pizza because it’s terrible?

  28. leftwingfox says

    Man, if I had a nickel for every time someone questioned my sexuality over a Hawaiian pizza…

    …I could probably afford a pizza.

  29. says

    I can only ask “WWCNEOHP”?

    (What Would Chuck Norris Eat On His Pizza?)

    Wait, there’s an answer to that question!

    Mr. Cain, I suggest you seriously reconsider your position on veggies, or at least avocados, lest a roundhouse kick find the side of your head!

  30. Amoeba says

    Right? They always get like five hundred meat pizzas and one cheese pizza to appease the vegetarians and the cheese is always the first to go. Then I don’t get pizza. :(

  31. Miramira Endevall says

    Hi, Jen –

    I read your blog quite frequently but don’t particpate in comments. However, ever since you moved to FTB, going to your page causes pop-up ads from the following URL:

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    I’ve got pop-up blockers out the wazoo and have specifically blocked c5.zedo.com, but can’t figure out how these are getting through or how to make them stop. I’m not the geekiest with computers (but, yay! Biology!) so there’s not any other useful data I can give you, but I do know that it’s only at FTB that these are a problem so I figured I’d let you know.

    Cheers!

    –Miramira

  32. noastronomer says

    I’m becoming more convinced by the day that the GOP has been turned into performance art by ONN.

  33. says

    GAH! No, don’t you know that piling toppings on top of a pizza only makes it into a disgusting mess? The works? You can’t tell one flavor from the other!!!

    3 or 4 toppings at MOST. One of those toppings – if you’re using four – should be very mild. I put precisely three toppings on my pizza – green peppers, olives, and tomatoes. Yumyum.

  34. RdeG says

    Actually, we *are* talking about a candidate in his right mind. His far-right mind, to be more precise.

  35. 'Tis Himself, OM says

    If you were a true manly man you’d muscle up to the cheese pizza and threaten to disembowel anyone who came near your pizza. Hint: It helps to be over 2 metres tall and have muscles in places where other people don’t have places to get away with this. So it’s off to the gym with you so you can lord it over the cheese pizza.

  36. 'Tis Himself, OM says

    No cheese? I like cheese on my pizza.

    Note to self: Don’t let Katherine Lorraine order the pizzas.

  37. says

    I love me my sausage and olive pizza. I guess Herman Cain thinks this conservative Christian chick is slutty and unusual too?

    Oh wait… I also love vegetarian pizza so I’m apparently a sissy. (Posting on here, I highly doubt that.)

    My true favorite is Hawaiian (pineapple and ham) so I have to wonder what that really says about me other than I’m into fusion cuisine and I don’t keep kosher.

  38. Raphael says

    Odd. As someone with training in biology, chemistry, and biochemistry, could you tell me whether there’s any truth to the claims I’ve heard about the pineapple/ham combination? That is, that they’re fine on their own, but when they’re cooked together, some of the substances in them combine in a way that makes the result unhealthy? Is that an urban myth?

  39. says

    Raphael, I’m not Jen McCreight. If you were to read my website, you’d see that Jen of Blag Hag and I have some opposing religious views. ;)

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