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Nov 16 2011

Herman Cain’s pizza divinations

If politics doesn’t work out for Herman Cain (lol), maybe he can get paid to do cheap parlor tricks. Like determining people’s personality based on the pizza they like:

When questioned on what he could tell about a man by the type of pizza he likes, Cain declared, “The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is.” After being asked to explain his reasoning, the presidential hopeful said, “Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance.”

Cain then went a step further, ripping the delicacy of choice for veggie-hungry pizza fans: “A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.”

Obviously I’m a little unusual because I like black olives, and a slut because I like sausage. See, it works!

It’s sad when my number one reaction to quotes from Republican Presidental candidates is consistently “Not sure if this is from the Onion or not…”

67 comments

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  1. 1
    Yellow Thursday

    Yes, because “manly” is a desired trait in a pizza or in a president.

  2. 2
    bob purinton

    You can’t be serious. No sane man running for the Oval Office would say such a thing!

  3. 3
    Randomfactor

    Behavior like this is why the Mustache Institute reversed their endorsement. And Cain would agree that THEY are certainly manly.

    I think this guy peaked early, when he was doing the weather and birthdays on the Today Show.

  4. 4
    Randomfactor

    Totally loving the Papa John’s blog ad which appeared, too.

  5. 5
    Eric

    Wow – black olives and sausage – that’s what I like too! Does that mean I’m a female blogger? Boy will my wife be surprised!

  6. 6
    eigenperson

    I like anchovies and garlic. Does that make me smelly?

    Well, okay, yes it does. But I’m pretty sure this is a special case.

  7. 7
    becca

    I am a proud cheese pizza eater. I have observed that everyone who likes all those thingies on their pizza are DELUDED jackhats. Because they always end up eating one piece of manly pizza and then three of my cheese. Therefore
    1) I am the antithesis of Hermain Cain
    and
    2) Hermain Cain is a deluded jackhat who must be kept away from my plate at all costs.

  8. 8
    KG

    Surely a really manly pizza would be topped with nothing but Rocky Mountain oysters?

  9. 9
    Tommy

    The incredulity of you commenters says to me that you are unfamiliar with this field of candidates who have have said far far FAR more ridiculous things during this primary campaign, any ONE of which one would think would automatically preclude one from running. But no. They all persist in running despite saying, to the man, idiotic or insane things. I think at this point, the reason none of this insanity has disQualified any of them is because there would be NO candidates by now.

  10. 10
    Snarkyxanf

    The Onion is a vegetable. For sissies. Obviously.

  11. 11
    N. Nescio

    As an AMI member, I was vocally opposed to their endorsement. Guy rocks a good politician ‘stache, but I would have rather seen more support for the guy from “The Rent Is Too Damn High Party”.

    He’d get my vote.

    As for pizza toppings, unless you’ve personally killed, butchered and prepared animals into sausage/pepperoni/canadian bacon/american bacon/pancetta/whatever else is on your pizza, the quantity of toppings counts for nothing.

  12. 12
    Ryan

    I like my pizza with as many different meat toppings available. I always go straight for the “meat lovers” or whatever that particular establishment calls it, or just pick three to five of their best meat toppings. Despite this, I don’t think anyone would possibly describe me as a “manly man”.

  13. 13
    spdoyle17

    What a coincidence, I was picking up a pizza at the time you posted that. Pepperoni, black olive, onion, and tomatoes, (the first two are my usual.) I guess Cain would think I’m a bit of a conflicted guy? Every time one of those candidates get in front of a microphone, we all win. Now if only the GOP nominated a Bachmann-Santorum ticket…

  14. 14
    August Pamplona

    I actually wonder about “Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance.” . I wonder if that’s not related to the “positive thinking” that is talked about in _Bright-sided_ by Barbara Ehrenreich. You know, how a man who is not afraid of abundance would never be poor thus poor folk are poor because they are bringing it upon themselves.

  15. 15
    Walton

    Oh, I came across this one yesterday. I just love the combination of idiot sexist machismo and meat-industry-shilling.

    Hey, Herman! Yes, I like vegetables on my pizza. (In fact, I don’t even eat meat at all!) Apparently this makes me a sissy… and I’ll wear that accolade with pride. :-)

  16. 16
    jose

    Manly men don’t buy pizza. They hunt their own food.

  17. 17
    thztds

    You mean they hunt their own pizza! Preferably with a crossbow, spear, or a fully automatic assault rifle.

  18. 18
    mythusmage

    Diced, fried, and spread on toast with a burger it’s great. :)

  19. 19
    jose

    Weapons are for sissies. I, for instance, only eat sharks and tigers which I previously kill with my bare hands.

  20. 20
    mythusmage

    Back when I had teeth my preferred pizza consisted of an english muffin base; with pasta sauce, slices of cheddar or swiss, and chunks of chicken.

    Yes, I live in California. Your point?

  21. 21
    mythusmage

    Ha! A true mon hunts the horrid haggis with trowel and pungi stick!

  22. 22
    Stephanie Zvan

    Sausage? On a pizza? But it’s wasted there! (Or is that saying too much about me?)

  23. 23
    Oenotrian

    All those manly men I met when I lived in Italy, who only liked three things on their pizzas, and none of them were meat…

  24. 24
    AaronJ

    If black olives are wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

  25. 25
    Carmen Moyers

    If meat pizza is manly and veggie pizza is for sissys I had to see what this man does for preventative health care… :(

  26. 26
    R. Johnston

    Anchovies, garlic, sausage, and hot peppers. And a bit more garlic. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

  27. 27
    Brian

    WIMPS! A true man condenses a pizza from a primordial soup of organic building-block molecules! And then COOKS it! In an OVEN! Microwaves are for sissies!

  28. 28
    StephenS

    Obviously, preventive health care is also for sissies. Truly manly men will have died young in battle or base jumping or hunting pizza or something.

  29. 29
    Jeff Sherry

    This pre-election cycle has amassed the goofiest group of candidates that I’ve ever seen. I wonder what bon mots Cain would deliver if he came across the peanut butter pizza of Howell, MI?

  30. 30
    ewancompton

    Except we’re not talking about a candidate in his right mind.

  31. 31
    StJason

    Weaklings! A man kills his prey with his throbbing…. yeah, Okay. That takes it way too far.

  32. 32
    StJason

    Ooh! Ooh! It’s like those old logic puzzles!
    Herman Cain eats overloaded meat pizzas.
    Herman Cain is a arrogant asshat.
    If I eat a overloaded meat pizza, I’ll be like Herman Cain.

    ……

    Veggie pizza comin’ up!

  33. 33
    Fell Beast

    I cannot tolerate any cheese or vegetables of any kind on my pizza. Hate ‘em. Wonder what Cain would say about that.

    Also wonder if he thinks he could tell whether I’m male or female just from my pizza preferences. Someone should test that.

  34. 34
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    Obviously I’m a little unusual because I like black olives, and a slut because I like sausage. See, it works!

    But the sausage on pizza is ground up into little bits. O.O I thought you said on the HUMP! thread you didn’t go for kinky stuff. x.x

  35. 35
    Adam Lee

    I hate olives, but broccoli on pizza is delicious. I love white pizza too… er, does that mean I’m a racist?

    Damn it, this thread is making me hungry just before bed. :P

  36. 36
  37. 37
    Hamilton Jacobi

    This is obviously being misreported by the biased lamestream media to make Herman Cain look like a clown. What he really said was “portly”.

    When questioned on what he could tell about a man by the type of pizza he likes, Cain declared, “The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more portly he is.” After being asked to explain his reasoning, the presidential hopeful said, “Because the more portly man is not afraid of abundance.”

    Cain then went a step further, ripping the delicacy of choice for veggie-hungry pizza fans: “A portly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that an athlete’s pizza.”

  38. 38
    theokaht

    ATLANTA GA (AP) In a surprise press conference yesterday, presidential hopeful and republican front runner Herman Cain admitted that all of the allegations of sexual harassment made against him were true.

    “Just as God told me to run for president, God told me to grope those women. Let’s face facts, if God had not intended for men to grope women, he wouldn’t have made their asses as soft as deep dish pizza dough.”

    Cain added, “Furthermore, if those women had been at home, in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, those allegations would have never been necessary. When I am elected president, all women who work at the White House will wear Hooters uniforms.”

  39. 39
    mythusmage

    For a quarter of the population broccoli has a bitter taste. I happen to be one of the 25%. Bitter means poisonous; you’re eating toxins!

  40. 40
    jufulu

    I’m wondering if he is compensating for something by having a large numbers of items on his pizza. I’m also assuming that he gets the largest pizza possible.

  41. 41
    Katie

    No toppings? Clearly, you’re afraid of abundance and are a communist.

  42. 42
    Noadi

    It’s comments like this that make me wish FtB had a like button.

  43. 43
    secha

    I like lots and lots of toppings, all of them manly meat and not sissy vegetables which should make me the manliest man that ever manned, right?

    And yet I’m somehow not. So either I have Ron Swanson as a split personality or maybe perhaps you can’t tell peoples attitude by the pizza they eat. Who knows?

  44. 44
    Svlad Cjelli

    Steak is the manliest pizza.

  45. 45
    jose

    A man? *Cooking*?

    HAHAHAHAHA.

    Real men only eat raw meat.

  46. 46
    Mikey

    God, what a jackass. What does he think about people who don’t eat Godfather’s Pizza because it’s terrible?

  47. 47
    Zuche

    So the Big Bang Theory is that something went wrong with the barbecue?

  48. 48
    leftwingfox

    Man, if I had a nickel for every time someone questioned my sexuality over a Hawaiian pizza…

    …I could probably afford a pizza.

  49. 49
    matthewsmith

    And shards of glass…

  50. 50
    joviality

    Didn’t you know? Pizza is a vegetable.

    http://eatdrinkbetter.com/2011/11/17/pizza-is-a-vegetable-and-other-congressional-revelations

  51. 51
    Everyday Atheist

    I can only ask “WWCNEOHP”?

    (What Would Chuck Norris Eat On His Pizza?)

    Wait, there’s an answer to that question!

    Mr. Cain, I suggest you seriously reconsider your position on veggies, or at least avocados, lest a roundhouse kick find the side of your head!

  52. 52
    Amoeba

    Right? They always get like five hundred meat pizzas and one cheese pizza to appease the vegetarians and the cheese is always the first to go. Then I don’t get pizza. :(

  53. 53
    robertcrompton

    Pizza? For manly men? Come off it! Manly men eat cow pie.

  54. 54
    Jeff Sherry

    Real men make their own pizzas and don’t order them over the phone.

  55. 55
    Miramira Endevall

    Hi, Jen -

    I read your blog quite frequently but don’t particpate in comments. However, ever since you moved to FTB, going to your page causes pop-up ads from the following URL:

    http://c5.zedo.com//ads2/f/1044151/3840/172/0/305007270/305007270/0/305/1685/zz-V1-425x600New.html?a=s%3D1685%3Bg%3D172%3Bm%3D20%3Bw%3D22%3Bu%3DwELFTvXH0iBppKleWhUFZHMz~111711%3Bi%3D0%3B;l=;p=;t=1321537316

    I’ve got pop-up blockers out the wazoo and have specifically blocked c5.zedo.com, but can’t figure out how these are getting through or how to make them stop. I’m not the geekiest with computers (but, yay! Biology!) so there’s not any other useful data I can give you, but I do know that it’s only at FTB that these are a problem so I figured I’d let you know.

    Cheers!

    –Miramira

  56. 56
    Randomfactor

    Wow, Everyday Atheist, for ONCE ol’Chuck and I agree…

  57. 57
    jolo5309

    Fresh ones only

  58. 58
    noastronomer

    I’m becoming more convinced by the day that the GOP has been turned into performance art by ONN.

  59. 59
    Kevin, Youhao Huo Mao

    GAH! No, don’t you know that piling toppings on top of a pizza only makes it into a disgusting mess? The works? You can’t tell one flavor from the other!!!

    3 or 4 toppings at MOST. One of those toppings – if you’re using four – should be very mild. I put precisely three toppings on my pizza – green peppers, olives, and tomatoes. Yumyum.

  60. 60
    RdeG

    Actually, we *are* talking about a candidate in his right mind. His far-right mind, to be more precise.

  61. 61
    'Tis Himself

    If you were a true manly man you’d muscle up to the cheese pizza and threaten to disembowel anyone who came near your pizza. Hint: It helps to be over 2 metres tall and have muscles in places where other people don’t have places to get away with this. So it’s off to the gym with you so you can lord it over the cheese pizza.

  62. 62
    'Tis Himself

    No cheese? I like cheese on my pizza.

    Note to self: Don’t let Katherine Lorraine order the pizzas.

  63. 63
    jen

    I love me my sausage and olive pizza. I guess Herman Cain thinks this conservative Christian chick is slutty and unusual too?

    Oh wait… I also love vegetarian pizza so I’m apparently a sissy. (Posting on here, I highly doubt that.)

    My true favorite is Hawaiian (pineapple and ham) so I have to wonder what that really says about me other than I’m into fusion cuisine and I don’t keep kosher.

  64. 64
    Raphael

    Odd. As someone with training in biology, chemistry, and biochemistry, could you tell me whether there’s any truth to the claims I’ve heard about the pineapple/ham combination? That is, that they’re fine on their own, but when they’re cooked together, some of the substances in them combine in a way that makes the result unhealthy? Is that an urban myth?

  65. 65
    Kevin, Youhao Huo Mao

    Cheese is a given.

  66. 66
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    That’s a contradiction in terms.

  67. 67
    jen

    Raphael, I’m not Jen McCreight. If you were to read my website, you’d see that Jen of Blag Hag and I have some opposing religious views. ;)

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