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Dec 16 2011

Jesus vs Santa

The other day I mentioned the fact that, if you’re just looking for something to believe in, one belief works just as well as any other. And if you are looking for something to believe in, why not believe in something nice, like Santa? With that in mind, here is my list of the Top Ten Reasons Santa Is Better Than Jesus.

10. Santa does not endorse any political candidates or parties.

9. If you’re bad, Santa gives you a lump of coal, he doesn’t try to turn you into one.

8. Santa comes to town riding a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer; Jesus comes to town riding someone else’s ass (which seems to have become a tradition among some of his followers, by the way).

7. Jesus says he loves little kids, but Santa actually lets them sit in his lap.

6. Santa doesn’t spend all his time obsessing over how other people have sex.

5. Santa can run his whole enterprise, year after year, without begging for donations.

4. Some of history’s worst atrocities and injustices have been committed by people who believe in Jesus, but NONE of them have been committed by people who believe in Santa.

3. You don’t have to devote your life to figuring out a collection of 66 books full of obscure, archaic, and contradictory teachings—Santa is satisfied if you’re just reasonably good most of the time.

2. Santa cares enough to come back every year.

And my number one reason why Santa is better than Jesus:

1. Santa saves you from Hell by not creating it in the first place. Duh.

 

18 comments

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  1. 1
    docsarvis

    Great list, especially #1 and #3. Thanks for the laughs.

  2. 2
    hoverfrog

    Santa is fun, he’s always laughing. Jesus is a miserable wanker always glaring at people and making snide remarks about their clothes and wealth to his cronies.

  3. 3
    holytape

    I’ve never heard Jesus being described as “jolly”. When Santa comes to town, it’s not a sign of the apocalypse. Santa as never killed a fig tree for no reason.

    Sasquatch Jesus

  4. 4
    LeftSidePositive

    I dispute this:

    6. Santa doesn’t spend all his time obsessing over how other people have sex.

    After all, he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake!

    1. 4.1
      Len

      But it doesn’t bother him, because he still comes back every year.

  5. 5
    Irreverend Bastard

    Yeah, NO! I’ve watched Futurama.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mMaRmMthWQ

  6. 6
    wholething

    2. Santa cares enough to come back every year.

    Even Harold Camping can predict the date.

  7. 7
    wholething

    Santa settles for milk and cookies rather than 10% of your income.

  8. 8
    longstreet63

    Santa doesn’t hold anything against you for longer than a year, allowing correction, and provides yearly symbolic feedback to guide this correction.
    After all, ‘burn in hell forever after you’re dead” allows for no improvement.

  9. 9
    Art

    I’m with you … I really am.

    But #4 isn’t entirely true. Contemplate the normal seasonal fare of Christmas specials. Outside of “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas”, which fails to depict Santa at all, the TV specials are crimes against common sense, humanity, good order, and 6000 years of artistic tradition. They are so puerile and pedestrian as to rate as atrocities and abominations. The scale of the crime magnified by the relentless concatenation of the same drek being shown every … single … year.

    It stymies the will to live and makes one wish to die young. A quick slip in the bathtub and I will never have to see or hear another Christmas special. That deal sounds sweeter every year.

  10. 10
    Zedeeyen

    Santa is a gateway drug.

  11. 11
    unbound

    But what would Brian Boitano do? :-)

    Jesus v Santa from a couple of decades ago – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSQczYEeB2w

  12. 12
    steve oberski

    7. Jesus says he loves little kids, but Santa actually lets them sit in his lap.

    Well, the catholic church taken that one and run with it.

  13. 13
    Iain

    One of the other dads intervened this afternoon to reassure the other children and stop them being upset after my daughter told them all Santa is just a story.

    The children are all three.

    My daughter’s still going with Santa is a story.

    I don’t remember consciously telling her this, just not ever trying to deliberately pretend Santa is real.

    I am *soooo* proud.

  14. 14
    jakc

    I think #4 should be that people commit atrocities BECAUSE they believe in Jesus but no one commits atrocities because they believe in Santa.
    Even Harold Camping knows that (tee hee).

  15. 15
    rikitiki

    Well, maybe Santa doesobsess over others’ sex lives. After all, Santa only comes once-a-year, and that’s down a chimney.

    Thank you, I’m here all week…

    1. 15.1
      Liesmith

      Heh. I see what you did there.

      …AND SO DID SANTA.

      /naughtylist

  16. 16
    docslacker

    Santa’s arrival signals the end of the year. Jesus’s arrival signals the end of the WORLD!

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