The other day I mentioned the fact that, if you’re just looking for something to believe in, one belief works just as well as any other. And if you are looking for something to believe in, why not believe in something nice, like Santa? With that in mind, here is my list of the Top Ten Reasons Santa Is Better Than Jesus.
10. Santa does not endorse any political candidates or parties.
9. If you’re bad, Santa gives you a lump of coal, he doesn’t try to turn you into one.
8. Santa comes to town riding a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer; Jesus comes to town riding someone else’s ass (which seems to have become a tradition among some of his followers, by the way).
7. Jesus says he loves little kids, but Santa actually lets them sit in his lap.
6. Santa doesn’t spend all his time obsessing over how other people have sex.
5. Santa can run his whole enterprise, year after year, without begging for donations.
4. Some of history’s worst atrocities and injustices have been committed by people who believe in Jesus, but NONE of them have been committed by people who believe in Santa.
3. You don’t have to devote your life to figuring out a collection of 66 books full of obscure, archaic, and contradictory teachings—Santa is satisfied if you’re just reasonably good most of the time.
2. Santa cares enough to come back every year.
And my number one reason why Santa is better than Jesus:
1. Santa saves you from Hell by not creating it in the first place. Duh.