Jesus Haploid Christ

Do I need to cover this in my genetics course? Years ago, Ron Wyatt, the infamous pseudoarchaeologist, claimed to have made a remarkable discovery: he found the site of Jesus’ crucifixion! There was a hole, where the cross had been erected, and beneath that was a small chamber, and in that chamber was the Ark of the Covenant! Furthermore, Jesus’ blood had dripped down through the hole, and had splattered on the Ark, allowing him to collect a dried blood sample.

You don’t believe it? It’s on video, sort of. There’s a hole in the ground, and Wyatt squats in it and says there’s a chamber 60 feet down, and a door, and the Ark had been stuffed in there and packed in animal hides and boards and rocks. He doesn’t actually show that, but would he lie to you?

Ron Wyatt found this site by a combination of reading the Bible really hard, and by having visions, so it must be true.

One day in Jerusalem, after the swelling in Ron’s legs and feet went down a bit, he decided to go sightseeing in the immediate area around his hotel near the Damascus Gate. Walking along an ancient stone quarry, known to some as “the Calvary Escarpment,” he began conversing with a local authority about Roman antiquities. At one point, they stopped walking, and Ron’s left hand pointed to a site being used as a trash dump and he stated, “That’s Jeremiah’s Grotto and the Ark of the Covenant is in there.” Even though these words had come from his own mouth and his own hand had pointed, he had not consciously done or said these things. In fact, it was the first time he had ever thought about excavating for the Ark.

It was a very special trash heap.

Then he spent years digging down into the trash heap, and finally found something deep in a crack.

With adrenalin flowing through his veins and great anticipation, he looked around to see what else he could see, which wasn’t much. He shined his flashlight around the open area and then up to the ceiling. There, he saw something that caught his eye – it was a crack in the ceiling with a black substance within the crack.

Crawling slowly and painfully over the rocks to the rear of the chamber, he saw a stone case extending through the rocks. It had a flat stone top which was cracked completely in two and the smaller section was moved aside, creating an opening into the stone case. But the top was too near the ceiling for him to look inside. Yet he knew what was inside – the crack in the ceiling was directly above the cracked part of the lid, where it was open, and the black substance had fallen from the crack into the case because some of it had splashed onto the lid.

It was at this time, as Ron recalls, as the instant realization of what had happened here dawned on him, that he passed out. When he realized that the crack in the ceiling was the end of the crack he had found in the elevated cross-hole many feet above him, and the black substance was blood which had fallen through the crack and into the stone case, he KNEW the Ark was in the stone case. But the most overwhelming realization was that Christ’s Blood had actually fallen onto the Mercy Seat.

If he says it was Christ’s blood, I guess that must be what it is. Who can argue with such meticulous logic?

Now comes the fun part for a biologist. He collected a sample of the black goop, and rehydrated it. It was blood! Red blood cells, white blood cells, the works, and it was still alive. He says he was able to culture the cells, squash some white blood cells, and examine their chromosomes.

Suddenly, I have qualms. If Jesus’ blood was immortal, and could survive 2000 years of dessication and bacterial invasion, how could he squash a cell? And if he did, did the chromosomes and cellular debris on the slide continue to live? Are these tissues still living and growing in a slide box somewhere?

That’s a prompt for a horror story somewhere, but right now we’re talking about SCiEnCE, so let’s get back to that karyotype. We have discovered how many chromosomes Jesus had.

Under normal circumstances all human beings have 46 chromosomes…. 23 from their mother and 23 from their father. There are 22 pairs of autosomes which determine things such as our height, hair and eye color, etc. The 23rd pair is the sex determinant pair. They consist of either “X” or “Y” chromosomes. The mother only has “X” chromosomes. The father has both “X” and “Y” chromosomes.

If the sex-determinant pair is matched “X-X”, the child is a female. If “X-Y”, the child is a male. Thus we see that the single chromosome provided by the father in this chromosome pair determines the gender of the child. When the blood sample Ron Wyatt took from the crack in the rock ceiling above the Mercy Seat was tested, it contained 24 chromosomes…. 23 from the mother and one “Y” chromosome from the father, 24 chromosomes.

As Dr. Eugene Dunkley states in his article on the genetics of the blood of Christ, 24 chromosomes is exactly what would be expected if a man was born of a virgin. There are 23 chromosomes from the mother and a “Y” chromosome from a father. But that father cannot be a human father because the other 22 chromosomes on the father’s side are missing. Therefore the existence of a “Y” chromosome is at the very least a mystery, if not a miracle.

Not only was Jesus haploid, he was aneuploid! I’m glad that mystery has been cleared up.

Unfortunately, we don’t have any photographs of the karyogram, no samples available, and you can’t get a piece of Jesus’ immortalized haploid cell line, which would be interesting for biological research, and would probably be worse than HeLa at taking over cell cultures. All we have is “Ron Wyatt said so.”

Oh, also, possibly relevant to my genetics course: that last link talks about somatids, which are immortal blobs found in everyone’s cells, which can only be seen using a special microscope called a somatoscope, invented by a guy named Gaston Naessens. I tried following an explanation of what they are, how they work, and how they disprove the germ theory of disease, but the dense layers of bullshit and bogosity proved too much for me. Cut me a break, I’d just read a bunch of Ron Wyatt nonsense, I was already saturated.

Maybe I’ll dig deeper into that trash heap, but at least I’ve concluded it’s not suitable for any science class.


  1. indianajones says

    That last link referemcing somatids and going to Yummy Doctor somethin’ somethin’ does have an amusing thing to say about said somatids:

    “the Somatid is indestructible. It cannot be killed either by heat or by any chemical product”

    While at the same time there are:

    “poison drugs and vaccines that damage somatids”

    So I thought that non chemical drugs and vaccines was worth highlighting

  2. wzrd1 says

    I am confused, if a somatid cannot be killed by heat or any chemical product, how are they killed by poison drugs and vaccines (which are chemical products)?
    Do they make the somatids undead or something?

    Of course, I’m still trying to wrap my head around a hole that becomes a crack that becomes a cross and mythical blood not only surviving, but never being rained away over the course of two thousand years.
    No, got my head wrapped around it. Based upon his claims, he was suffering from an undetermined infection, causing his legs and feet to swell for a bit. While still with a high fever, he suffered brain damage from a combination of sepsis and excessive fever, causing delusions and hallucinations.
    I also found it fascinating that the somatoscope has much commercialized writings available, but not a one describing its construction or claimed methods of operation. Telling is, what few articles I saw on the unicorn fart powered device also proclaimed upcoming proof of their odor of unicorn farts emitted by the device, as new and upcoming microscopes are approaching its magnification.
    So, it’s resolution is obviously high enough that electrons are large, so it’s resolving magic quarks, only observable when one consumes magic mushrooms.

    Still, “somatids” obviously exist and are quite well documented. It’s just that real science calls them atoms. So, Christ’s chromosomes obviously are Quark chromosomes and that series was cancelled quickly in 1977.

  3. indianajones says

    @wzrd1 To answer your question perhaps twice. Either A: Non chemical vaccines or drugs. or B: damaged =/= destructed. Now, how you have a non chemical vaccine or drug is left as an exercise for the reader, but it clearly must be possible so…. Similarly how a thing can be damageable but not destructible is also left unanswered here.

  4. says

    It’s funny to be reading this when I’m watching Kamen Rider Agito, the 2001 entry in the long running Japanese live action superhero franchise. One of the plotlines in the early episodes is a Japanese research group trying to open an ancient artifact. When they eventually do(with the secret help of the villains) they find what is a DNA model inside. Apparently never having watched much sci fi or horror they proceed to replicate it, using some method that would have PZ rolling his eyes and grinding his teeth. The eventually result is a baby, which quickly becomes a little boy who is in league with the baddies. Like I say, a genre savvy person would probably have known better.

    I think the writers may have been influenced by Stargate: SG1 a bit. The process of opening the artifact reminds me of the computer control of Earth’s Stargate. One of the baddies is a snake man whose appearance makes me think of Gou’uld snake head armor. And one team of baddies kills people with portals that look a lot like Stargate wormholes.

    You can find Kamen Rider Agito on The first two episodes are also up on Toei’s official YouTube channel.

  5. Matt G says

    To find the source of the Y chromosome you’re going to have to round up some of the local priests….

  6. says

    Ron Wyatt found all this in a TRASH DUMP in JERUSALEM?! Puh. Lease. Even if we take all his silly allegations at face value, there’s no way to know which person that haploid/aneuploid blood sample came from, or when. For all we know, the early Christians had the wrong guy, and the real Son of God was some guy killed in a pogrom, Crusade (but I repeat myself), war or gangland dispute, and dumped in the trash dump to bleed into the ground.

    …after the swelling in Ron’s legs and feet went down a bit…

    …and maybe went to his head…

    If Jesus’ blood was immortal, and could survive 2000 years of dessication and bacterial invasion, how could he squash a cell?

    Like Jesus, his blood cells were immortal and divine. And like Jesus, his blood cells were ordained by God to die for our sins.

    …24 chromosomes is exactly what would be expected if a man was born of a virgin.

    Yeah, just like the smell of fresh strawberries is exactly what would be expected if a unicorn farted.

    Oh, and if this guy really thought the Ark of the Covenant was in that trash dump somewhere, why didn’t he make any attempt to find it? If it’s in a trash dump, there’d likely be little or no legal or ownership issues, so why not? It would be a helluva find, and would probably get him a lot of money and fame, and he must have known us meanie atheists would demand some sort of proof of his claims; so why wouldn’t he want to rub our faces in such an undisputable find? I’m not expecting him to open it (we all know how that would go), just dig it up, photograph it, and get it smuggled back to the Bible Museum. Or a US Government warehouse in Texas…

  7. Oggie: Mathom says

    Submoron @4:

    Trivial i know, but did he have a license to excavate?

    Maybe it was astral projection excavation?

    Matt @7:

    To find the source of the Y chromosome you’re going to have to round up some of the local priests….

    This predates Catholicism. Predatory Catholicism?
    Stwriley @12:

    “Jesus Haploid Christ” is going to become my new favorite exclamation.

    I grew up hearing my parents exclaim, “Jesus H. Christ.” I had always wondered what the ‘H’ stood for.


    Reading stuff like this makes me happy I became an historian. This science shit makes no sense.

  8. says

    No doubt he’s no different than all the other cranks who claimed to have found Noah’s Ark in Turkyie (Turkey) and unfossilized dinosaur bones in Alaska.

  9. cag says

    Raging Bee @10. Wyatt actually found the “Arc” and has since sold it. His NDA with David Green forbids him from revealing the truth.

  10. Matt G says

    Oggie: Mathom@13- These would be the Jewish priests, you know, the ones who also turned Jesus in to the authorities.

  11. wcaryk says

    Oh, Ron Wyatt has found just about everything mentioned in the Bible, from the graves of Noah and Noah’s wife to chariot wheels from where God drowned the Egyptians to the location of Sodom and Gomorrah … and not just the latter, you can buy actual brimstone (sulfur) balls obtained from Wyatt’s site:

    His site: hilarious proof that P.T.Barnum badly underestimated how often suckers are born.

  12. gijoel says

    So here’s my pitch:
    Ken Ham approaches Ron for samples of Jesus’s blood. Using modern Christian Science (TM), Ken clones Jesus and adds living Messiahs displays to his Creation Museum. But Newman turns off the fence in the rain, and all of the Jesuses start running wild and eating the tourists.

    I call it Je-rassic Park. It’s going to be this year’s blockbuster for sure.

  13. Athaic says

    Not only was Jesus haploid, he was aneuploid!

    The… claims leading to this comment got my eyebrows up. Meta-analyzing the psyche of the guy telling this tale, it’s fascinating. My genetics courses are far, far away, but I would expect a parthenogenetic individual – someone born of a virgin – to only have its mother’s chromosomes. And, thus, be of the female persuasion.
    Oh the horror. A female Jesus.
    So a male Y chromosome had to come from somewhere. But without the rest of the full load of daddy chromosomes. That would be too close to Zeus and his golden shower trick, I guess.
    Truly a miracle event.

  14. says

    Athaic: I agree with you: an egg cell can’t start multiplying until it has the full number of chromosomes. I know we’re talking supernatural miracles here, but the most plausible miracle leading to a fully-viable person would be either an egg cell with a full copy of Mary’s chromosomes, or an egg cell with the other half of its required chromosomes poofed into it (or from a sperm cell poofed into her nethers). And yes, the former would give her a Daughter of God unless God fiddles with the genes somewhere during the Immaculate Conception.

    Oh, and “chariot wheels from where God drowned the Egyptians?” IIRC the photos I saw of that discovery looked more like big round faucet handles, from a modern ship’s plumbing, and not at all rusted or corroded. Definitely not chariot wheels, or wheels for any kind of ground vehicle from any era.

  15. lumipuna says

    AFAIK, there’s long-established Christian tradition that Golgotha, or the site of crucifixion, was identified in the fourth century (based on a dream, natch) at a location near Jesus’ alleged tomb (also identified based on a dream), and is now within the grounds of the 11th-century Church of Resurrection.

    Of course, that won’t stop US Evangelical hucksters from playing on the US Evangelical audience’s ignorance of Old World church history and/or Protestant spiritual superiority complex.

    Based on what I’ve read, there seems to be a longstanding Christian belief that associates the alleged Golgotha with certain Old Testament events, particularly the sacrifice of Abraham. Jews and Muslims apparently believe this sacrifice took place at the Temple Mount, before the city of Jerusalem existed. It is also believed that Adam’s tomb is located in a fissure of rock below either of these sites.

  16. rblackadar says

    @13 — Regarding J.H.C., if anyone cares, it seems the best explanation is a misinterpretation of the so-called Christogram, i.e. first three letters of “Jesus” in Greek, many examples of which appear in Christian art. (The “H” is a capitalized eta.)

    In checking up on this, I found:
    which recounts a delicious story from Mark Twain’s Autobiography, of how to use it to good effect.

  17. wzrd1 says

    @rblackadar, entertainingly, Jesus being a corruption of Hebrew from the Greek, converting Yeshua into Joshua. Greeks did not use the sound sh, so the evangelists substituted an S sound. Then, to make it a masculine name, they added another S sound at the end. (the last sentence, courtesy of a Slate article)
    As I’ve frequently noted, “The bible, thrice mistransliterated and hence, interpreted meaninglessly into nonsense”.
    Alas, far more state, “The bible says what I say that it says”.

  18. brightmoon says

    When someone originally told me the joke decades ago of the H stands for haploid in Jesus H Christ, I laughed til I was crying 🤣

    This isn’t funny , it’s scary that someone would be gullible enough to believe this crap

  19. Prax says

    Okay, I genuinely do not understand the blood thing. Why would Jesus’ body tissues be immortal, especially before his resurrection? According to most modern Christian sects he was supposed to be really truly all-the-way dead, like any ordinary person. “He temporarily entered a regenerative coma for our sins” just doesn’t have the same ring.

    Yet he knew what was inside – the crack in the ceiling was directly above the cracked part of the lid, where it was open, and the black substance had fallen from the crack into the case because some of it had splashed onto the lid.

    I’m no expert, but this is sounding a lot more like Tsathoggua’s offspring than YHWH’s.

    There are 23 chromosomes from the mother and a “Y” chromosome from a father. But that father cannot be a human father because the other 22 chromosomes on the father’s side are missing.

    The best part about this is the implication that our Heavenly Father’s genome consists entirely of sex chromosomes. That must be rough.

  20. Tethys says

    I had to check the details on Jeremiah and his grotto, where he allegedly hid the tabernacle, incense burner, and Ark, until such time as the temple was restored. According to their prophets, this was in 625 BCE, but the Gospels are consistently claiming that all those objects were within the Temple when Rome destroyed it in 70 CE, and were carried back to Rome in triumph.

    It’s depicted on the The Arch of Titus, which still stands in Rome.

    The next journey of the temple artifacts is when they were taken to Carthage by Gaiseric, King of the Vendels, when he very thoroughly sacked Rome in 455 for violating their treaty. It’s not specific, the historian just mentions that the Vandals took the temple treasures in the process of sacking Rome.

    He also took his promised daughter in law, her sister, and their mother, who had been married to the usurping man who had murdered her Husband Valentinian.

    During 455, the Roman emperor Valentinian III was murdered on orders of Petronius Maximus, who usurped the throne. Petronius Maximus also married Valentinian’s widow, Licinia Eudoxia, and likewise wedded the imperial couple’s daughter Eudocia to his own son; the latter had formerly been promised to Gaiseric’s son, Huneric, which contributed a possible casus belli that was exploited by the Vandal king[…]

    Although history remembers the Vandal sack of Rome as extremely brutal—making the word vandalism a term for any wantonly destructive act—in actuality, the Vandals did not wreak great destruction in the city; they did, however, take gold, silver and many other things of value. Gaiseric also took with him Empress Eudoxia and her daughters, Eudocia, and Placidia, as well as riches from the city.

    Vendel simply means travel. They traditionally lived in the equivalent of a modern RV, similar to a ‘Gypsy’ wagon. Very practical if you need to follow your herds of grazing animals around as they move to fresh pastures.

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