I challenge the Queen of England to battle!

Justin Bieber ludicrously challenged Tom Cruise to a battle…so it’s a thing now. You have to pick a famous person who is 31 years older than you to a fight. That’s getting a bit tricky in my case, since I’ve got to find someone who is 93 years old. Fortunately, I have a contender: Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith. She’s 93 years old, exactly right.

I think I can take her. Pretty sure, anyway. If I win in a trial by combat, do I get to take over her throne?


  1. Sean Boyd says

    Bill Cosby is 81. I am 50. He’s got it coming, but now he’s done time, he’s probably got a shank carved from a spoon or something. I need to be careful.

  2. says

    If you end up on the throne, PZ, I want to be appointed Lord Justice to His Royal Majesty. I can represent you at the JCPC and poke my nose into all sorts of Parliamentary business without actually having a vote where my general unreliability might cause problems.

    In the meantime, I can turn out white papers on the common law privileges of citizens to strike parliamentarians with chilled, sweetened dairy products and overthrowing the ridiculous English defamation law.

  3. whheydt says

    Hmmm…. I think I have a problem. Where am I going to find a famous person who is 101?

  4. robro says

    If you win, PZ, you’ll be the head of the Church of England. Kill that. And Brexit, too.

  5. wzrd1 says

    I also choose to engage in a duel with her, with trucks of WWII UK vintage.
    Start of cargo run to finish, counting unloading.

    The prize, Knaught of the realm, awarded by a well balanced dueling sword, especially blunted.

    Seriously, PZ, are you seriously ready to take on a Queen, who wore combat boots and drove trucks in the military?
    Even money, we could get an engine rebuilt before you could manage to figure out.
    Figuring out advanced biology, that’s your world.
    Anything in between, open for evidence, discussion and consideration.

    Although, there was an interesting coincidence observed with my old joke of, “God save the queen!” ‘from her get’, which garnered massive humor in her subjects.
    Oddly, leading to today’s lineage of succession.
    Obviously, not being a subject, I was far from alone. ;)

  6. colinday says

    Just don’t say “You and what army”, as she is the commander-in-chief of British armed forces.

  7. HidariMak says

    I just did a Google search for famous 82 year olds, while looking for potential opponents. Looks like I can challenge the actual Pope under this scheme. Just the excuse I needed to get back to pushups and sit-ups.

  8. jrkrideau says

    A lady who not young but comes from a family that managed to run a county for roughly a 1,000 years? Good luck but my money is on Her Majesty. Vive la reine

  9. rq says

    Get her hat, PZ, but I think she will take the fight.
    I’m stuck between taking on Putin or Tony Blair. I’m not sure if I feel up to a challenge today.

  10. cartomancer says

    I choose Xi Xinping!!!

    Now we just need someone who is 41 years old to take on Donald Trump. Fortunately a quick search shows hit eldest son to be that age. We can only hope the match ends in mutual destruction for the both of them.

  11. khms says

    #18 @jrkrideau

    I didn’t think the Hanoverians have been over there that long.

  12. KG says

    Why not pick somebody who is fictional or already dead, so you win by default? – The Vicar@13

    In fact, PZ already has: the last person to bear the title “Queen of England” was Queen Anne, last of the Stuart monarchs. In 1707, the title was abolished with the Act of Union between England and Scotland, and she became Queen of Great Britain (and of Ireland and officially, France – I’m not sure whether they were still claiming Jerusalem at that point). Anne was admitted to have died in 1714, although there were rumours she’d been dead for years before that – the succession was looking a bit iffy, and suspicious minds thought she’d been replaced by a lookalike or something.

  13. Knabb says

    Does it have to be one person? I’m pretty sure I could take both Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter simultaneously, and they’re both 31 years older than me.

  14. alkisvonidas says

    Let’s see, at 39, I have a choice between Meryl Streep, Richard Gere, or Jeff Bridges (or my own father, but these things only happen in a galaxy far, far away).

    I think I’ll pick the Big Lebowski, since there’s a chance Meryl Streep actually drank that potion Isabella Rossellini gave her.

  15. DrewN says

    quick google Warren Jeff’s! He’s scum & I can probably take him. As my prize I will claim his many wives (& free them)

  16. piscador says

    Yay! I got Robert Mugabe! I also got Bush Sr, but he’s kicked the bucket.

  17. Dunc says

    Stephen Hawking! No, wait a minute, that wouldn’t look good, even if he was still alive… How about Muhammed Ali? OK, he’s dead too… (Fortunately, for my sake.) Harrison Ford? No, he could probably still take me… OK, I guess it comes down to either Joe Biden, Mitch McConnell, or Ted Kaczynski… Tricky choice.

  18. kingoftown says

    I could challenge Hugh Grant or Jeremy Clarkson. Much as I dislike many of Hugh Grant’s movies it’s got to be Clarkson.

    If you beat the queen you will become head of the church of england and “protector of the faith”. Pretty sure that gives you the right to challenge the pope to a brawl….

  19. davidc1 says

    @24 Wrote ” Anne was admitted to have died in 1714, although there were rumours she’d been dead for years before that – the succession was looking a bit iffy, and suspicious minds thought she’d been replaced by a lookalike or something.”

    Ye olde English conspiracy theory ,me thinks .

  20. DLC says

    I hit the jackpot. Rupert Murdoch. ! That bastard’s 88. So are Bernie Ecclestone and Raul Castro. Yeah, Rupert’s for me. Come out your disgusting old Randian Jackanapes!

  21. Larry says

    She doesn’t fight fair, I hear. She’ll invite you in for tea and crumpets, make some pleasant small talk about the weather, and, while you are least expecting it, signal her Chamberlain to release the hounds, er, Corgis. No mere mortal can withstand those beasts.

  22. erichoug says

    P.Z. I’m pretty sure that she could take you.
    Your only hope is to fight dirty. A Queen does not stoop to such low tactics.

  23. andiek712 says

    I don’t know, I mean look at this family: the Queen Mum lived to be…what? 101? 102? The Queen is 93 and still doing about a zillion public engagements a year, plus she’s outlived how many prime ministers? Not to mention she served in the military during war time. Let’s face it, she may be immortal, or at least indestructible.

    Personally, the Queen match-up I want to see is her kicking the crap out of Donald Trump. She’d wipe the floor with that man-baby! She’s like a grandma gnome ninja!

  24. archangelospumoni says

    What kind of ridiculous pics are they going to display once Drumpfh has been gone for a few decades?

  25. Artor says

    Ooh, this is my chance! I am SO kicking Donald Trump’s ass! Do I get to use my giant Mjolnir to crush him to a pulp?

  26. colinday says

    #22 @khms
    #18 @jkrideau

    Yes, the Hanoverians have only reigned in Britain since 1714.

  27. petesh says

    @9 & 10: Katherine Johnson is a mere 100 until August 26. This is how I know:
    I for one would honored to take on Gudrun Zapf-von Hesse, though she looks pretty fit and is of course a font of wisdom, so I’m not sure about my chances.

    By the way, thinking of the Royals, the great Marina Hyde, on the Trump trip to the UK (&c):

    I did miss our former best player. You spend a lifetime cringing at Prince Philip insulting people, and the one time you want him to, he’s retired.

  28. catbutler says

    Oooh, I get Pat Robertson.
    I’m going down to the basement to start training. I’m going to want some endurance for this one.

  29. says

    I don’t really want to fight anybody, but I guess if we all have to fight someone 31 years older than me it should be someone really contemptuous that it would be nice to get a few dirty hits on. I don’t have to look too hard. Harvey Weinstein is 31 years my senior.

  30. Ragutis says

    Watch out for those Corgis, PZ.

    Hmm, let’s see… 79 years old…

    Nancy Pelosi – nope
    Tina Turner – nope
    John Cleese – nope
    Lily Tomlin – nope
    Grace Slick – nope
    Ginger Baker – nope
    Julie Christie – nope
    Margaret Atwood – nope
    Peter Fonda – nope
    John Lewis – nope
    Herbie Hancock – nope
    Lance Henriksen – nope
    Chuck Norris – Ooooh… sooo tempting, but let’s face it, he’d probably kick my ass
    Al Pacino – nope, and he’d definitely kick my ass

    Starting to look like it boils down to Ali Khamenei, David Koch, or Jim Bakker… decisions, decisions…

  31. aleph says

    Oh my Gordon Bennett, I’m spoiled for choice. George Clooney, Eddie Murphy, RuPaul, Tilda Swinton (I would lose, but it’s tempting just to get beaten up by her), Jean-Claude Van Damme, Stanley Tucci, Antonio Banderas, Colin Firth, Tim Cook (do I get Apple if I win?)…

    But really, there’s only one choice I can reasonably make here.


  32. oaktownathiest says

    Cartomancer, I just turned 41! I’d take him, but I’d fight dirty, and put a bunch of MacDonalds out to bate a pit trap.

  33. favog says

    Great. Checking people born in 1930, I get the likes of Apollo astronauts, Inspector Harry Callahan, 007, and Sandra Day O’Connor.

  34. says

    I’ll take Pope Benedict XVI (04/16/1927). All that riding around in the popemobile couldn’t have been good for his stamina, and mine hasn’t been that great since my stroke last year, so it should be about even.

  35. bargearse says

    Apparently I get a shot at Mitch McConnell or the unabomber. No contest, have to go with Mitch.(other options were Martha Stewart, Bernie Sanders, Lynne Cheney & Streisand, actually I lucked out, it’s an extensive list)

  36. anthrosciguy says

    You’re going to have to avoid her strengths, those potential weapons she’s highly experienced with. If you see her pick up a fly rod, that’s trouble. She can wrap you up with a good cast. Don’t let her get her hands on a wrench, and needless to say, run if she see anything in her hands labeled “Purdy’s”.

  37. says

    At 52, I get a chance to beat the crap out of two celebrities known for creeping on, then marrying, underage girls – Woody Allen and Jerry Lee Lewis. I see no downside to this.

  38. blf says

    The mildly deranged penguin complains that, using the current duration of the Earth’s orbit around the Sun as the definition of one year, 31 such years before she hatched does not compute, as the Big Bang — the beginning of time — happened in the interim. As such, she suspects her choices are limited to the Weeping Angels, a certain sandwich dropped by a careless wizzard, and the entire Universe. Since she seems to in perpetual confusion with the latter anyways, doing the seemingly-ultimate “return to orbit and nuke” would just be a minor detail. Until I remind her that’s a lot of cheese to make glow, albeit a lot of darkness for it to glow in…