Anyone got any ghost repellent?


I’m worried, if this is true: Fed Up With Mortal Men, Women Are Having Sex with Ghosts. I’m concerned because I live only a short distance from a cemetery, and even if I didn’t, it might give my wife reason to think she could improve her sex life by translating me to a different realm.

It’s got multiple testimonials from real women! Also, Elayne Riggs told me about it, so it must be true.

…a woman named Amethyst Realm appeared on the British daytime television show This Morning, claiming that she began having sex with ghosts in her home and has not had since with a human being since. Her first erotic encounter with a ghost occurred 10 years ago, while she was still in a relationship with her mortal fiancé. As can occur with affairs, Realm was caught mid-coitus when her husband-to-be returned early one day from a trip away. “He saw the shape of a man through the spare room window,” she explained.

Betrayed, Realm’s fiancé broke up with her, and she and the ghost then decided to fuck everywhere in the house: “Once my fiancé had left, [we had sex] everywhere, [but] always within the building,” she said. That particular ghost romance lasted for a time, until the entity “started to appear less,” and Realm ended the inter-dimensional affair.

After that, Realm began to have regular sex with a variety of ghosts, each as distinct in style and feel than any human mate might be. “I’ve got no interest in men now,” she proclaimed.

Now I’m reassured, though. She’s lying. There’s now way sex with ghosts could be better than sex with real men. After all, ghosts would be kind of gauzy and nebulous, weak and barely perceptible. The strongest kind of interaction they’d be able to have is delicate little butterfly kisses, soft ephemeral strokes along the skin like hummingbird down, quiet, barely audible whispers in her ears, and a bit of moaning — I’ll admit, they’re probably really good at moaning — and no one would enjoy any of that.

Just in case, though, I might want to stock up on bottles of Ghost-Be-Gone.

Comments

  1. says

    They discovered masterbation!
    That is what it looks like to me.
    Yes, women can be that unaware of their bodies and the pleasures it can bring by manual manipulation and exploration.
    I have met a few.

  2. birgerjohansson says

    Would “zombie lies” qualify as sex partners?
    Going off on a tangent, The Guardian has a long article
    “Denialism; What drives people to reject the truth?”.
    It is scary, we are moving into post-denialism when there is no social cost in openly embracing views denialism is serving to hide, like nazis not bothering to deny the holocaust and saying jews should be physically wiped out.

  3. wanderingelf says

    Go ahead and chuckle at the idea of women having sex with ghosts, but one of my favorite “marriage and family” lecture topics when I taught cultural anthropology was the practice of ghost marriage among the Nuer in Africa. After that, same-sex marriage seemed pretty mainstream to most of my students.

  4. Bill Alexander says

    There was a Star Trek Next Gen episode (Beverly in New Scotland with getting it on with ghost in a haunted candle..
    sooo..it must be true..

  5. blf says

    The mildly deranged penguin tried something similar once. She put on a fairly typical sheet-with-eyeholes ghost disguise, then ran back and forth on the esplanade going “Awk! Wooooo! Er-al-zoom-baba”… The only thing she caught was stares, screams, and a solid WHACK! from the lamppost she failed to notice — but no females, humans, sex, peas, or cheeses. She’d heard this was a proven method for locating pterodactyl nests. As it was — there was one atop the lamppost.

  6. lotharloo says

    As can occur with affairs, Realm was caught mid-coitus when her husband-to-be returned early one day from a trip away. “He saw the shape of a man through the spare room window,” she explained.

    Bahahahaha. It’s funny how the “ghost” always decided to “appear” only when the fiance was away working.

    This reminded me of a mythbusters episode when they tested the myth whether a bullet can impregnate if it goes through an unfortunate soldier’s testicles. The conclusion was that mundane explanations are far more believable for human sexual activities rather than, “No it was a bullet”, or in this case, “no it was a ghost” or in another famous (although disputed) case, “No it was God himself!”

  7. What a Maroon, living up to the 'nym says

    On the other hand, it does give one something to look forward to.

  8. Siobhan says

    Trying not to think about what it means when someone thinks it less stigmatizing to say she has sex with ghosts than to say she’s rediscovered masturbation.

  9. says

    @#11)
    It is not “rediscovering” it is DISCOVERING! I have tried explaining orgasms to several women.
    Believe me, it is not easy to describe it clinically to women totally unfamiliar with the concept!
    Imagine how freeing & terrifying it is to experience orgasms for the first time in your 50’s!

  10. zetopan says

    Of course sex with ghosts is real! Isn’t that how the mother of Jesus[*] got pregnant? Surely the bible would not lie about anything like that. At least that is what irrational Christian religion fanatics are always telling me.

    To ensure that we are all on the same page on this I am referring to the illegitimate flat Earth, pro- slavery, disease is caused by demons believer who kills pigs and fig trees on a whim, super magician who fathered himself and returned as a Jewish zombie visible to only a select few version of anyone named Jesus. Hopefully that narrows the field down somewhat.

  11. zetopan says

    Also note that people who claim to have had sex with aliens have several orders of magnitude greater credibility (still very close to zero though) since aliens are likely to exist somewhere in the universe.
    Of course such aliens are not located anywhere near enough to our solar system to make such a required trip so it is still merely another fantasy invented by the hucksters and fantasy prone to reel in ultra-credulous adherents.

  12. chrislawson says

    Best line from the quoted article: “Her first erotic encounter with a ghost occurred 10 years ago, while she was still in a relationship with her mortal fiancé.”

    The “mortal” there is just perfect.

  13. Siobhan says

    @12

    It is not “rediscovering” it is DISCOVERING!

    That’s partly what I’m afraid of.

  14. wzrd1 says

    There are two cures for ghosts. A better aimed antenna or even better, using digital television.

    @dragonessfredriksson #12, a truly daunting task indeed. Some women sadly have no clue about their own bodies and the capabilities of their bodies.

  15. Holms says

    As can occur with affairs, Realm was caught mid-coitus when her husband-to-be returned early one day from a trip away. “He saw the shape of a man through the spare room window,” she explained.

    An alternative explanation is that she was spotted through the window cheating on her fiance with a real person, who successfully scarpered before the fiance managed to run through the house and burst through the door. A lame excuse ensued and she’s been wanking ever since.

  16. Holms says

    …I actually meant to say ‘lying ever since’ but wanking is fairly appropriate too.

  17. lotharloo says

    @23

    Or perhaps in a plot twist … her original fiance was also a ghost, dun dun dunnnn!

  18. microraptor says

    zetopan @15: Not to mention the unlikelyhood of any aliens being humanoid and having compatible reproductive organs.

  19. zetopan says

    microraptor @25: Yes, I left out many obvious difficulties of a human mating with a petunia (cf. Carl Sagan). Now extend those difficulties to mating with something that actually does not even exist.

  20. says

    #25: Have you never seen Earth Girls Are Easy? Geena Davis makes that very same suggestion and Jeff Goldblum shaves and shows her it’s not a problem.

  21. mathymathymathy says

    If you want to repel ghosts, just bring in those four ghostbusters that the anti-feminists always complain about.

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