It turns out that there are rules against my standard classroom management techniques.
Statute Forbidding Any One to Annoy or Unduly Injure the Freshmen. Each and every one attached to this university is forbidden to offend with insult, torment, harass, drench with water or urine, throw on or defile with dust or any filth, mock by whistling, cry at them with a terrifying voice, or dare to molest in any way whatsoever physically or severely, any, who are called freshmen, in the market, streets, courts, colleges and living houses, or any place whatsoever, and particularly in the present college, when they have entered in order to matriculate or are leaving after matriculation.
Leipzig University Statute (1495)
Wait…freshmen? I’m not teaching any first year courses this semester; cell biology is full of sophomores, cancer biology is juniors and seniors. This rule doesn’t apply! I’m back in business, baby!