Who reads Dear Abby anymore?

I guess Zeno does. Good thing, too, or we would have missed this gem of inanity.

Someone writes in, worried that after they’re dead, the ghosts of her parents and in-laws might follow her around, watching her have sex or go to the bathroom or other such private matters. Who knew the dead were all voyeurs? Anyway, Abby offers some dubious advice.

Calm down. The departed sometimes “visit” those with whom their souls were intertwined, but usually it’s to offer strength, solace and reassurance during difficult times. If your mother-in-law’s spirit visits you while you’re intimate with her son, it will be only to wish you and her son many more years of closeness and happiness in your marriage.

As to your parents, when they travel to the hereafter, I am sure they’ll have more pleasant things with which to occupy their time than spying on you. So hold a good thought and quit worrying.

How does she know?

I’m really impressed that she reassures a woman worried about being spied upon by her mother-in-law’s ghost by telling her that sure, the old lady might pop by while her son is humping away, but it would only be to cheer the couple along. Yeah, what a consoling thought — next time you’re having sex, imagine your mother-in-law’s spirit there, whispering in your ear with advice. “Harder, harder!” or “Now do that thing with your tongue…he really likes that.” Ewwww.

At least now I remember why I don’t read Dear Abby.