I’m still yucky icky sick and oozing slime and fluids like a mollusc, but I did go see the doctor, and she assured me that my death was not imminent but probably at some distant time years hence. I interpret that to mean that my agony will be long and interminably enduring.
We also scheduled a colonoscopy. This is probably not a good day to annoy me.
Ahhh, I remember my last colonoscopy. I drew a Shecky Greene wannabe for my doctor.
Nurse: “Have you ever had this procedure done before?”
Doctor Greene: “Not professionally! Don’t worry, I’ve got the biggest scope they make all ready to go, you’re gonna love it!”
Try to explain that without recourse to an intelligent agent.
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/2kxyc7
The colonoscopy isn’t so bad as long as you don’t THINK its going to be bad. I’ve had one and even remember it. The drugs didn’t quite put me out all the way.
of course,
I’m gay
So I may be biased as to the pleasures of colonoscopies.
I do remember seeing the screen and thinking “So THAt’S what the inside of my ass looks like.”
Feel better!
“oozing slime and fluids like a mollusc”
I will try to inject that sentence in every possible way the next time I am sick.
So — Bill Donohue’s curse IS working!
Please make sure live blog that colonoscopy! Live video would be greeat!
It’s because of your sinful ways, PZ Meyers! GOD IS STRIKING YOU DOWN!!! GOD WILL NEVER BE MOCKED!!! CRACKERS WILL NEVER BE SHAMED!!!
:-P
Good luck with both the yuck and the colonoscopy, and feel better.
This is something you may want to tuck away if you don’t want to be annoyed, but it’s right up your alley. Blogger MissZoot relates this story of a serious breach of teacher ethics regarding religion. By way of explanation, and by no means excuse, this took place in Alabama (IIRC), where this is a more or less standard question — except that this took place in a public school, in an 8th grade classroom. Stupid, dumb thing for a teacher to do; I like to think that if he had done it here in New York, he’d be unemployed and facing a civil suit.
I agree with thepetey.
The drugs are great! Enjoy the trip.
Please promise us that you won’t listen to #7 above.
And I was going to say “Please do not give us the pleasure of your colonoscopy in the same manner as you gave us the pleasure of your eating that icky-but-sweet fruit…”
:-)
Hoping for all the best – and dammit, I should have one too. I am only a tad older than you.
JC
Glad to hear you’ve seen a doctor. Soon this’ll be but a bad memory…
Be sure to stay awake for the show, you an watch it on live TV! (colonoscopy) My doctor gives commentary on the journey.
I had a massive tumor (cancer) the first time around, and it was quite a sight! The several since then have been less exciting, but very happy.
Whatever you do, don’t mix the prep they give you with anything that you really like to drink. I haven’t had ginger ale for five years because of the bad taste memories.
Yup. I had my first colonoscopy last year. Good times. The procedure itself is no big deal, and they give you entertaining drugs for it. But the prep was designed by the same people who invented waterboarding and American Idol, only they were in a worse mood that day. (Susie Bright just linked to a piece about it by Dave Barry, which will tell you everything you need to know about it.
But you know what? Now I get to have five years where I don’t worry about colon cancer. A day of hunger; a day of serious unpleasantness; five years of peace of mind. Totally, 100% worth it.
“Please do not give us the pleasure of your colonoscopy in the same manner as you gave us the pleasure of your eating that icky-but-sweet fruit…”
YAAAY
FELTCHING!!!!!
SC-
Or soon it will be a bad butt memory…
Talking of a colonoscopy, poor Opus had one done this week….
http://www.uclick.com/client/wpc/wpopu/
If I had known about his ‘Happy Place’ method of enduring the procedure the first time I had one done, I would have used it myself.
For all the viruses, mites, mosquitos, fire and bullet ants, barbs and stingers and teeth of all sorts, dirt, grime, cold bunks, hot days, rain, mysterious sores, infected cuts, and other discomforts, there’s still nothing like traveling afield.
;-)
Ugh! I have a history of CA in my family. Oh, I am just sooooo looking forward to my turn having a scope in my ass.
In the interests of science, I propose that PZ undergo the procedure without drugs (they do allow that, truth) so as to report more clearly what it’s like.
And, if he asks nicely, perhaps they will give him the drugs he didn’t take in a doggy bag for later.
It’s delayed Hostitis Horribillis.
Hope you’re better soon!
Sorry about the colonoscopy. My doctor scheduled one for me a few weeks back as well, until that is the $@$^!# insurance company refused to pay for it.
As others have said, the worst part of a colonoscopy is the prep — a day of fasting and running to the toilet, followed by sedation that’s like a good drunk but without the hangover (and if you’re lucky enough to be awake you can watch your innards on TV — OK, only science geeks would enjoy that, but that covers pretty much all company present), followed by a few hours of gradually getting back to normal as you resume eating.
I hope you get better, PZ!
I had a colonoscopy, and they knocked me out good, so I don’t remember. However, they did let my grandma in to stay with me during the procedure. Maybe your wife can record the saga while they knock you out?
Oh, I forgot to tell. I had awful stomach ache for hours after the procedure. Lots of gassy pain.
Get well soon!
PZ wrote: “This is probably not a good day to annoy me.”
Would you be interested in this complimentary copy of The Watchtower?
Just kidding! Just kidding! :P
There is a trend around these parts (Scienceblogs) to live blog invasive investigative procedures.
Can we look forward to the same with you, and will we get pictures ?
Jokin aside, I hope you feel better soon and nothing nasty is found.
There’s listeriosis going around in my neck of the woods, PZ, so it might be in yours, so I’m glad you got checked. Damn right-wing governments getting rid of all the food inspectors… There’s never a good time for a revival of The Jungle, thank you very much.
This must be an evil curse from Bill Donohue. Goddamnit, I knew it. Why PZ? Why?
I understand there’s a crippled atheist doctor at ‘Princeton Plainsboro’ teaching hospital who is good with deathly illness acquired overseas.
“oozing slime and fluids like a mollusc”
The old gray mare just aint’ what she used to be,…
Please don’t ban me PZ.
Feel better.
Like I said in another thread this would make a good episode of House.
Hope you get better PZ !
Welcome to middle age, youngster. Just be sure to get the good drugs. If you get a primary care physician with delusions of grandeur like the one I had who did colonoscopies in her office instead of referring them out to the specialists with the good drugs, Just Say No.
Meanwhile, I’m not offering snotstorm advice; I’m sure you get plenty of that. Just wishing you well, FWIW.
Colonoscopy? You’re arsed, Mate. :p
/ needs one scheduled soon also, as I just turned the answer to everything.
I’ll spend all weekend praying to each human created god, you know, just in case.
Because my father and his mother evilly conspired to get (and survive) colon cancer, my siblings and I are lucky enough to have a colonoscopy every five years. I suggest you try to schedule it as early as possible, to avoid a second hungry day. The drugs are great and I have never been awake any longer than it took to think, “I’m going to sleep now.” No major side effects; I wanted to eat lunch right after leaving the hospital, was tired that night and fine the next day.
I had a colonoscopy here in Paris. It is usual to do the procedure under general anaesthesia. When I was awoken I was still on the table and the surgeon encouraged me to fart(I translate his French). One is blown up with gas to aid visibilty and movement in the inner tubes.
I did as requested and the very pretty Nurse who was assisting said “My god! he is a champion”.
I actually do colon cancer research for a living. I get to see long term data on people after the diagnosis. People who they’ve caught with a very early stage colon cancer actually turn out HEALTHIER than other people! Yay! But, people with late stage colon cancer….a lot of them die. A whole lot. And it ain’t a nice way to die. So, go get your screening colonoscopy, everybody! And, yeah, I’ve had it done, and everybody’s right, the prep can be annoying (hint: eat light for several days beforehand), but I napped through the procedure (drugs yay!).
Do I smell a Live Blogging Colonoscopy coming on?! With video!?
Y’know, I’ve had dreams where pretty French nurses have said that about me, but never for that reason.
Woot the Ant-Vaccers out there got what they wanted – resurgence of disease!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26333787/
Giardia? My dad caught it in Egypt and was oozing fluids for days before they correctly diagnosed it.
Echoing the sentiments.
1) The prep is really unfortunate, but manageable. Also bear in mind that you just need to drink 75% of the prep. 3 liters of PEG-3350, the 4th was hard for me t finish so I read the back of the bottle. 3.25 liters worked just fine.
2) the drugs they used ROCK. I felt this wave of calm wash over me and woke up in recovery to cinnamon toast and apple juice. Slept the rest of the day.
You’ll be fine – just that the night before you will be a bit unhappy with drinking salt water…
I’ve had a few scopes done. They were, eh, interesting. The first one was back in the dark ages, and damn the bit of drugs they gave me (not counting laxatives during the run-up). It was, eh, not comfortable. What made it worse is that the doctor insisted on telling jokes the whole time, and he was a very funny man. With each brilliant quip, I laughed, then very quickly stopped laughing.
Before later scopes (including one from the other end) I was given an injection of some wonderful stuff. In ten seconds’ time it made me extraordinarily, marvellously drunk, at peace with the cosmos, only distantly aware of the oil-drill boring its way into me from one end or the other and not at all bothered about it. And 15 minutes later, wide awake and with no trace of hangover! That this stuff isn’t available over the counter is an obvious market failure.
Do I sound light-hearted about being colonoscoped? I am. And for good reason. I have also had whatever they call the procedure in which the doctor pumps your innards full of liquid barium and then takes a long, long series of dramatic fashion shots with the X-ray camera. I would eagerly submit to a dozen scopes before having another of those…
But here I am wittering on about the far end of my GI tract when your sufferings are a metre higher. Get well soon, so; I prescribe lots of bedrest, fluids, Bayer Aspirin and chicken soup. And prayer, PZ; never forget the power of prayer.
I am feeling rather left out. I have never anything like this done.
The closest I have had is an embolisation for a varicocele, which is not really anything like it. Watching it done on the monitor was pretty cool though. And the NHS was excellent. From referral to procedure took under 3 weeks, although I think that was because the radiologist loved doing them.
Ahhhh, the ever popular GET WELL. Hope you feel better soon.
If, like me, you were scheduled for an endoscopy as well as a colonoscopy on the same day, make sure they are done in the appropriate order. Failing that, ask them to clean the probe before beginning the endoscopy.
Endoscopalians should stick together.
When your President had a camera up the chute one wit in the British press wondered if they’d find Tony Blair up there.
A colonoscopy is a breeze. I had one a month ago. Lovely nap! I tried to get them to give me a quart of whatever that stuff they drugged me with to take home.
Preparation for a colonoscopy is a pain in the ass. I used Mobiprep. I decided it would taste a lot better spiked with
Tequila but I was afraid to try it.
Good luck, PZ. I hope you don’t have to go back for another for 10 years.
A colonoscopy is a breeze. I had one a month ago. Lovely nap! I tried to get them to give me a quart of whatever stuff they drugged me with to take home for future napping pleasure.
Preparation for a colonoscopy is a pain in the ass. I used Mobiprep. I decided it would taste a lot better spiked with Tequila but I was afraid to try it.
Good luck, PZ. I hope you don’t have to go back for another for 10 years.
This is probably not a good day to annoy me.
McCain is five points ahead in a recent poll.
Well, what do you expect? When you don’t want people to annoy you, the *last* thing you should say is “don’t annoy me.” :-)
Here, a get-well poll-crash:
http://www.crosswalk.com/movies/
Blasphemy is currently considered more objectionable in movies than violence, by a landslide. A victimless crime! Do we stand for that, minions? Every time a Pharyngu-crasher votes for “violence,” one of PZ’s white blood cells gets its wings.
Eh, nothing to it. Your yucky icky sick is probably a lot worse than the prep & run.
Thanks to modern pharm, the procedure itself is a gas (not to be confused with the barium sulfate + air double-contrast unpleasantness).
Unless you enjoy monotonous pink, watching it on TV is not what it’s cracked up to be. The meds-induced states are. You might enjoy comparing your recollections of the hours after, with those of un-drugged observers.
You were drugged?!? Ya wimp! I just had one last week, without the nap.
Not fun. But my scientist-self was fascinated with the live sigmoidoscope display screen, which was visible via a mirror strategically placed on the wall by the exam table.
So that’s what the inside of my colon looks like!
Get well soon.
1) I want to keep reading this blog.
2) If you die the creationists will bring it up as often as Lady Hope.
Colonoscopy? Ask for pictures! I did and received three snapshots of one end, the other end, and somewhere in the middle. I’m still debating whether or not to make them into icons.
I also found out that while they have the ability to marks segments of the colon; it is not the same as tattooing. There went my hopes of getting “Home of the George Bush Fan Club” on the inside of my rectum or “Lemmiwinks was here” halfway to the Cecum.
Oh, and beware: the “flavor” packets are a lie! The person that decided that a lemon-lime cathartic was a good idea should be shot on sight.
icky!
well, get better soon! (:
PZ wrote:
I’m still yucky icky sick and oozing slime and fluids like a mollusc
This is what you get for dissin’ god. Weren’t you warned?!
On the other hand, god does similar things to those who are True Believers as it’s god’s Tricky Way of testing the strength of one’s faith.
PZ-Having had my second colonoscopy just yesterday, I speak as at least a self-appointed authority. Once you get by the evil propylene glycol prep drink (if indeed your doctor is a sadist and so prescribes), it is all easy sailing. Hint: Take a sandwich with you. You will be ravenous upon being released.
Hey! How come my trivial phlegm report is getting more comments than my Galapagos report?
Drugs???
What drugs???
I didn’t get no drugs!!!!
They gave me something that made me feel sorta ok but I did not go to sleep at all. Don’t get your colonoscopy done in Illinois.
On the other hand, the prep was not all that bad. It took a couple of hours of running to the bathroom but otherwise it was ok. (I really oughta get cable for a tv in there.)
Joke:
What is a colonoscope?
It is a long flexible tube with an asshole at both ends.
Inverse envy ?
I speak for only for myself, but I bet more than just me are envious of your trip to the Galapagos. I do not, however, envy either your phlegm or your having a camera stuck up your backside.
Oh, that does not suond like fun. I’ve never experienced a colonoscopy myself, but as my hubbie’s a new family medicine resident I hear of the unpleasantness of these exams quite often. However, they are apparently much easier going than you would think. Good luck with that and feel better soon!
Once you can eat again might I reccomend you find the hottest, most tongue scorching chilli or curry you can stand and eating in generous quantities. Surprisingly effective for clearing up congestion and generally ooziness.
Eucalyptus oil in an oil burner of some type is good for clearing out the sinuses as well. Not so much if it’s chest congestion.
I had my first colonoscopy last year, and opted to do it without the happy drugs. There were five or six distinctly uncomfortable crampy moments, but otherwise nothing bad, and without the drugs the recovery time was essentially zero. After it was over the nurse told me “let ‘er rip!” to help deflate things. The science geek in me was fascinated with the whole process, including when they grabbed the one polyp they found with an alligator clip, slapped a contact pad on my inner thigh, and fried that puppy electrically. I should have asked for pix, but at the time didn’t know I could.
My wife had her first one last year as well (with the happy juice), and we found out that different docs have different prep methods. There are four doctors who perform the procedure at our facility and all four have a different prep. Her prep was to drink about a gallon of vile gunk; she was miserable both before and after, and although she followed the rules explicitly she wasn’t cleaned out enough and has to come back in three years instead of five and fast for two days instead of one. I only had a pint of antifreeze and some pills, was prepped fine, had no recovery time except for a day of farting, and don’t have to return for five years. The wife was not pleased, and may ask for my doctor next time out.
I found out at my first colonoscopy that I’m allergic to Demerol.
While lying on the table, the doctor could not stop himself. He just had to ask, “Does it itch?”.
Nope.
Might as well have had a cup of coffee. I was wide awake during the entire procedure. Trust me, you don’t want that to happen to you.
Colonoscopy is — literally — science shoved up your ass.
Something I like when I am bunged up is whisky in hot milk.
It does nothing to cure me, but after a couple I stop caring how much my nose and chest are full of muck. It has the added benefit it sends me off to sleep.
Robert (comment #57):
Absolutely genius!
Next time, though, I encourage you to provide a link for context. Everyone deserves an opportunity to join in on the fun. :)
The end result (sorry) of colonoscopy prep is something like squid propulsion. But fortunately not quite as powerful.
PZ,
These guys came to one of the developer workshops I ran at Apple several years ago.
Don’t know if the technology is on the market yet or not, but I know of a company working on replacing colonoscopy with 3D modelling derived from NMR scanning. Their idea is that if colonoscopy can be replaced with a non-invasive procedure, patients are far more likely to show up for screening.
http://www.netkisr.com/
-jcr
“Hey! How come my trivial phlegm report is getting more comments than my Galapagos report”
Greater relevance. Not all of us will get to see the Galapagos but we all have colons.
Hang in there and soon all your troubles will be behind you.:)
Hey PZ,
I sure hope that your proctologist is an evangelical atheist and not a crypto-catholic! I’ve been told that a rough colonoscopy is an unforgetable experience.
Good luck!
Ouch. Ecuadorian Space Flu and a scope up your bum…not a good day. Concurring with the above commenter who said “eat something spicy” — it really does clear your head. Get a good sinus-clearing pot of tom yum, or something of the sort.
The probiotic pills they sell in the vitamin supplement section are really great for the runs.
I buy the 365 version at Whole Foods and munch about 5 of them.
They actually work.
(__+__)
I used to take EnteroVioform in India circa 1966. Rarely had the trots. Good thing I don’t need my brain anymore.
Get well PZ! Sleep tight and don’t let the amoebas bite.
Hmph. You say “oozing slime and fluids like a mollusc” like it’s a bad thing.
There once was a blogger named Myers
Who confessed that among his desires
Was a peek up his ass
With an brass looking-glass
And an old pair of needle-nosed pliers.
A colonoscopic exam
Is a good way to show who you am
You can lie there and take it
Or take drugs and fake it
By muttering softly “goddamn”
Just back from a trip to Galapagos
P-Zed is now oozing, non-stopagos
That won’t stop his blogging–
He just keeps on slogging–
Complaining with each little dropagos
Perhaps this will cheer you up a little – at least, I find it hopeful. I heard on NPR today that more people are wanting religion to stay out of politics and now the majority feel that way.
http://people-press.org/report/445/religion-politics
Hope you feel better soon!
A touching sentiment from Ogden Nash, in honour of PZ’s Galapagos Bug.
‘The Germ’
A mighty creature is the germ,
Though smaller than the pachyderm.
His customary dwelling place
Is deep within the human race.
His childish pride he often pleases
By giving people strange diseases.
Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
You probably contain a germ.
Feel Better!
A Cuttlefish Limerick attack!. Good way to end the day.
Get well PZ. If you need a couple of days to rest up, let your Minions keep the ilk aroused.
At Gitmo, aren’t they dropping waterboarding in favor of colonoscopies?
Publish your worm on YouTube !
“Hey! How come my trivial phlegm report is getting more comments than my Galapagos report?”
Dear PZ
Probably because we consider you a good man and friend, despite most of us never meeting you personally and want you to feel better!
Take care of yourself-hope the snot storm subsides soon.
#77, freaking hilarious :)
Do you want PZ to live blog his colonoscopy? Vote now:
http://snappoll.com/poll/288063.php
I’ve had two colonoscopies. I lucked into a two-for-one special and had both and endoscopy and a colonoscopy the same morning. I was pretty much knocked out for both procedures, but the prep on the night before is quite memorable. Have fun.
On the general subject of health issues.
My health maintenance plan is making the Herpes Zoster vaccine available to seniors for the usual cost of any office visit which is now $15. I got mine last week. Shingles is very nasty, so I hope it protects me.
http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/pubs/vis/downloads/vis-shingles.pdf
If you start experiencing qualms about the colonoscopy, remember that it’s always better to find about problems with the colon before they get bad, instead of how author Jay Lake did.
Here’s hoping your “con crud” clears up cleanly. But if it doesn’t, see if you can have a video made of the nose vacuuming.
LotStreetWiz’s doctor called watching your own endoscopy the ultimate in introspection. Everyone hates the prep – but if there are different kinds, you could ask what’s available. Do it! It’s better than cancer. Get some pictures. That dark blue thing is the liver.
Best of health to you PZ. Hope you feel better soon. No need to sweat the colonoscopy. It is kind of fascinating to observe what’s going on down there in real time.
Snap! Dying slowly and noisily here too, and an endoscopy booked for three weeks…
Have had several colonoscopies; they weren’t fun. The first one found a polyp or two, and subsequent ones have been clean. I prefer being knocked out, however, as the first one HURT when they dealt with the polyp.
And I hope that your cold or whatever it is abates quickly, PZ. I’ve missed your writing while you were away.
Gawd dammit #77 & Cuttlefish – now I have sangria running out my nose!
Oh come on PZ – accept the sympathy with good grace. Face it man, you’re demon possesed. Ick and Snot have you in their clutches. ;)
Wilkins, do you have to copy everything I do?
RE colonoscopies–don’t believe anyone who says the drugs aren’t harmful. I slept for several hours after my procedure and woke up convinced that I was back to normal. But I was obviously still hallucinating, because it seemed irresistibly urgent that I drive to the Apple Store and buy an iPhone.
The colonoscopy was bupkes. The prep will have you oozing fluids like a squid. Look at the bright side: you’ve made an evolutionary leap forward.
Get well soon, PZ.
I will not pray for you, for obvious reasons.
The colonoscopy is cool, kind of like Fantastic Voyage. Fascinating stuff.
The prep protocol, on the other hand…well, let’s just say I survived it and when I showed up for the scope I said “I want to shake the hand of the man who invented that prep protocol – it’s unspeakably evil”.
This was some years ago, so it may have changed. I hope so, for your sake. Avoid ‘Fleet’, is all I’m saying…it’s well named.
The prep is the worst part, especially if your doctor insists on the prep that requires you to drink an entire gallon of laxative solution. Nasty sticky-sweet stuff! Sure, they tell you to mix it with something to hide the flavor, but it’s possible you will never again be able to face whatever you use as flavoring. I did the gallon prep once and vowed never again. The next time I had a colonoscopy I insisted on going back to the old prep I had previously used: 3 ounces of Fleet’s Phospho-Soda. Salty in taste but small in volume. I knocked it back with no problem and washed it down with glasses of ice water.
Prep is never pleasant, but some are worse than others. PZ’s imminent ordeal inspired me to recount my rebellion.
but we all have colons.
Speak for yourself, filthy human.
From the knowledge I’ve gained on this Blog, I would suggest having a priest exorcize anything being shoved up your ass, lest you become infected with teh Gay Demons, or worse.
But given your track record with the CatLicks, that option is ill advised.
No pun intended, but on this one, PZ, you’re fucked, you’ll just have to lay there and take it like a MAN, a manly man like the guy from Finland.
@wÒÓlonoscopy, #77
I would have thought an ‘x’ marks the spot, but whatever…I didn’t find the actual event bad at all, the prep being the worst part of it.
Hope you feel better posthaste, and that the scope goes easily, with a pleasant drug trip.
Ah, yes. The procedure where space aliens, pretending to be human doctors, preform vile alien probings on your human body. Been there, done that. Didn’t get a t-shirt.
May your immune system prevail soon.
I haven’t been subjected to a colonoscopy (yet), but I have been through major abdominal surgery twice. It sounds like the prep is about the same. Ick.
I whish you all the best, professor.
May Cthulhu give you all the strength to turn all humans around you insane if they annoy you.
Good luck PZ…apparentley they are much more senstive nowadays when they do colonoscopys than way back in the 80’s when I had several…back then the doctor (?) gave me some valium right AFTER shoving this garden hose up my ass. I was awake and unhappy the hole (?) time. It is hard to feel dignified laying on the table with a python being fed up your ass. Of course the valium sets in after I get home and sleep for hours. Fat lot of fucking good that did.
Now they sedate you PRIOR to the procedure so most people I know say they were asleep for the procedure. Much like a date rape drug I suspect!
And I have to admit that even the garden hose scope was better than the barium enema I had…that was freaken’ terrible and the mad dash to the shitter from the x-ray table in olympic record time….with your cheeks clenched must give the x-ray techs fits of laughter for days….
IN any event…it all sounds like a bad case of Montezuma’s revenge or as the Brits call it…Delhi belly…or Gyppy Tummy….it will all pass….
I had my first colonoscopy 4 years ago after my father was diagnosed with colon cancer. I woke up in the middle of it and asked the doctor if there was any sign of the trapped miners. He didn’t get it, but the nurse practically exploded with laughter. Then they increased the drip on my IV and I went back to sleep.
I must say, the prep was worse than the procedure.
That’s what you get for eating fruit filled with frog eggs.
There once was a professor from Morris
Who some thought a modern day Horace
But his doctor said, “Tut!
Time to look up your butt!”
So now he writes with a sore ass.
oozing slime and fluids like a mollusc
So should I be checking your orifices for freshly-formed pearls?
I borrowed my sons plastic fake spider. I figured if I had to go through a colonoscopy I would make the best of it.
I stuck that big black spider in by butt crack prior to going into the office.
I was out cold for the entire procedure but was told later that the gag made quite an impression on everyone.
Still makes me laugh when I think about it. I’ve got a wriggly rubber worm for the next time.
Ask your doctor if you can do a Miralax + bicosadyl prep. You just swallow four bicosadyl tablets, and then drink two bottles of Gatorade between which you have split an entire large bottle of Miralax powder. I had that one and it wasn’t bad. Miralax is pretty much tasteless; it gives the drink a very slightly oily feel, but it’s not too obnoxious. My husband was told to do the phospho-soda prep, and was much less impressed with its overall yumminess, although he really didn’t complain much.
I was too heavily sedated to remember mine, because I had a minor surgical repair done at the same time. My husband asked for less sedation so that he could watch what was going on; he found it mildly uncomfortable, but no worse than that.
A friend of mine asked her doctor after the procedure if he’d found Osama bin Laden in there. :-)
Comment 13
“Whatever you do, don’t mix the prep they give you with anything that you really like to drink. I haven’t had ginger ale for five years because of the bad taste memories”
It’s been 5 years for me, but vanilla instead of ginger ale.
Colonoscopies aren’t bad, it’s the prep before that sucks. My doctor pretty much knocks me out, so I never remember a thing. And I get them done quite regularly (5 in 5 years) since I have crohns. If only the prep was less disgusing, I wouldn’t dred it each time my doctor told me “time for another look”.
If you want real fun, go for the Barium Enema. No drugs and they just keep filling you up more and more…not pleasant.
“oozing slime and fluids like a mollusc”
And this is different from your normal appearance how?
giordano Bruno,
So this is the explanation for your combustion? Then we can stop blaiming little old ladys with faggots for that unfortunate incident, right? The pope must be so grateful.
Just be glad that you do not have to do a gastroscopy, which, a least from my experience, is much less pleasant. And if they ever want to do it to you, don’t be macho, just take the sedative….
Kevin, good luck with the Crohn’s.
How much weight did you lose before you were doubled-over in pain one day, thinking, “Hmmm. This ain’t right.”?
I’m 6’2″, and got down to under 160 lbs. At one point, they even took out my appendix (which was intact).
I’m on Imuran and Asacol now. Less than a year after my trip to the emergency room, and I’m way better. Hoping to avoid the annual colonoscopy. Cholyte sucks.
I was pretty darned scrawny there for a while, though.
I doubt a faith healer could have helped me. Or a frackin’ cracker. Or using a frackin’ cracker as a sex toy.
Mrs. Tilton…ugh. I know what you mean. I have been subjected to an Upper GI exam twice. Once when I was the tender age of 13 and the docs were trying to figure out why I kept nearly passing out on the soccer/softball field (turns out I have a mild, as yet unnamed pulmonary problem with my heart unable to pump enough oxygen through the blood to my lungs after prolonged or explosive exertion). The second was when I was 21 in the ER in excruciating pain from ovarian teratomas (they hadn’t figured out what was wrong yet…this was one of a series of tests over an 11 hour period) Try swallowing all of that barium while trying not to vomit from the pain (it was discovered that I was deathly allergic to morphine that day too so no good pain meds for me until someone figured out i could take demerol) No bueno.
Since my name was taken in vain here in comments, let me add my voice to the chorus saying this is a good thing.
I mean, cancer wasn’t fun, but cancer I didn’t know about was a hell of a lot worse. May your road be far less overwhelming than mine was.