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Jan 06 2013

Those wacky Anglicans

They’ve come up with a novel solution to the dilemma of accommodating gay priests. They can form civil unions, but they have to be abstinent within them.

Men in a civil union will now be allowed to become bishops in the Church of England, but they are not allowed to have sex.

Intercourse between two men — or two women — remains a sin.

"Homosexual genital acts fall short of the Christian ideal and are to be met with a call to repentance and the exercise of compassion," according to Anglican doctrine.

It always leaves me gobsmacked that they can talk about a universal “Christian ideal” issued by the will of an omnipotent deity that specifies exactly where you can put your penis. It’s kind of cute that their holy book can be interpreted to constrain penile activities, but at the same time, endorses slavery and treats rape as a property crime (it is not an abomination to stick your penis in an unwilling woman, after all!)

I’m also wondering how they plan to enforce their proscription. Will they be installing cameras in gay priests’ bedrooms?

64 comments

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  1. 1
  2. 2
    Ingdigo Jump

    You can be gay as long as you’re not gay

  3. 3
    Goodbye Enemy Janine

    Who needs the government in your bedroom when you can have religion in the bedroom?

    Just how will the church make sure that they are not having sex? The honor system? Or a complex surveillance system?

  4. 4
    Ingdigo Jump

    THE GUILT OF SIN WILL BE PAINTED ACROSS THEIR FACE BY THE WIDE BRISTLED BRUSH OF THE ALL MIGHTY LORD

  5. 5
    Louis

    “Homosexual genital acts fall short of the Christian ideal and are to be met with a call to repentance and the exercise of compassion,” according to Anglican doctrine.

    [Curtain opens]

    {Sound of two priests passionately fucking}

    “GERCHA!!!!!! Oh I am most heartily sorry.”

    “There, there. You’ll be forgiven if you are truly repentant.”

    “Oh I am very repentant. I repent most thoroughly. Allow me to demonstrate by humbling myself before you.”

    {Sound of quite enthusiastic oral sex}

    “GNNNNNNNNNNNNURHGH!!!”

    “I bet you’re heartily repentant too now aren’t you?”

    “Let. Me. Get. My. Breath. Phew. Yes, very repentant. In fact I’m so repentant I feel I could repent again after about, ooooh I dunno, a 10 minute break to take on fluids and have a shower. You?”

    “Sounds about right. Help me out of this swing and unplug the electrodes would you? There’s a doll.”

    “Excellent. More tea, vicar?”

    “Oh yes please. And can I have one of those lovely biscuits left by the WI?”

    “But of course. Now when we go again, remember to film it for the archdiocese. They have to check it thoroughly for any things we might need to repent for when we’re all together at the next General Synod.”

    [Exeunt Omnes]

    [Curtain closes]

    Louis

  6. 6
    kayden

    Because celibacy has worked so well for Catholic priests.

  7. 7
    Tony! The Fucking Queer Shoop!

    None can match the wit of Louis.
    All bow down before him.

    Err, hold on a second…

  8. 8
    Serendipitydawg(rebel without paws)

    David Gerard @1,

    I have always wondered about this… as far as I know, catholics take vows of celibacy and chastity when they become ordained into the priesthood, so what happens to those who enter the priesthood from other denominations who are already married?

  9. 9
    Louis

    Yes, yes, bow and repent. Bow and repennnnnnnnnt.

    Louis

  10. 10
    Ingdigo Jump

    @Louis

    Some priests belied in flagellation as well. Perhaps the use of whips or paddles could help the repenting?

  11. 11
    Rob Grigjanis

    I wonder what the C of E has to say about hetero sex, because I’ve heard that can get rather unbiblical on occasion. So I’m told. Lather, rinse, repent I guess.

  12. 12
    Goodbye Enemy Janine

    I guess the Anglicans will be fine with priests who gag and handcuff themselves.

  13. 13
    Louis

    Ing,

    Verily thou art holy! Thou hast seen to the heart of the matter and placed thine finger directly on the nub. Repentance is always helped by mortification of the flesh.*

    Yours in Oh CHRIST I’M COMING! I mean REPENTING!

    Louis

    * I know it’s not just me that’s noticed that these very Christian restrictions on sexual practises always resemble (yeah Louis, “resemble”) a wide variety of quite pleasant fetishes.

  14. 14
    Moggie

    But the Anglicans can’t have women bishops, because that would be icky.

  15. 15
    Eurasian magpie

    @Serendipitydawg

    Married priests converted to RC get a special dispensation. Apparently divorce is a bigger sin after all than marriage.

  16. 16
    congenital cynic

    Religious people are nearly always fucked up about sex. But they seem to have a very difficult time to “walk the talk”. I guess it’s one of those “do what I say, not what I do” things. So. Fucking. Sick. Of. Religion.

  17. 17
    Goodbye Enemy Janine

    Moggie, what if those hypothetical female anglican priests did not fart. Would they still be icky?

    (Sorry, thread creep.)

  18. 18
    Serendipitydawg(rebel without paws)

    @Eurasian magpie,

    Married priests converted to RC get a special dispensation.

    Ahhhhhh! What a surprise. Thanks for that, I did wonder how it was shoe-horned into their world view.

  19. 19
    jnorris

    Gay, civil partnered CoE priests and bishops will have to lift their own luggage.

    Seriously, why would any homosexual with any amount of pride belong to any Christian sect?

  20. 20
    shouldbeworking

    @19 Because brainwashing and indoctrination since birth is bloody effective, that’s why.

  21. 21
    Moggie

    Janine:

    Moggie, what if those hypothetical female anglican priests did not fart. Would they still be icky?

    Of course they would! Is it not written that ladyparts are an abomination unto the lord?

    But there’s nothing hypothetical about female anglican priests. Actually, contrary to what I wrote, the wider Anglican church does have some female bishops: it’s the Church of England which recently hit the news when it reaffirmed its glass ceiling on women in the priesthood. The CofE seems to be on a mission lately to find every way possible to make itself look bad to as many people as possible; this latest nudge-nudge ruling about civil unions (essentially a big fat hint to gay priests that they ought to lie) will piss off both sides of the debate.

  22. 22
    Louis

    Jnorris, #19,

    Seriously, why would any homosexual with any amount of pride belong to any Christian sect?

    Well some of the clothes are wonderful. I mean, just look at those lovely red shoes the Pope gets…

    Louis

  23. 23
    Louis

    (BTW, my previous post was brought to you by the Sex In The City model of homosexuality, the letter G, the number 36 and a profound sense of shame at propagating negative and inaccurate stereotypes}

  24. 24
    Maureen Brian

    Giles Fraser is onto them! I think it was any wheeze they could come up with to divert from women bishops.

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jan/06/why-gay-bishops-have-to-lie

  25. 25
    cag

    In old English, “girl” also denoted a “young person”. As religion is stuck in the past,

    PZ:

    it is not an abomination to stick your penis in an unwilling woman, after all!

    it is an easy step to go from young woman to young person. This, perhaps, could be used by the catholic church in recruiting anglican priests. With the right semantic twists, altar boys become “women” in the minds of the demented spokesmen of delusion, and are therefore legitimate targets in their twisted minds. With cross pollution, this also works for the disgusting superstition peddlers in other sects.

  26. 26
    Rich Woods

    “Homosexual genital acts fall short of the Christian ideal and are to be met with a call to repentance and the exercise of compassion,” according to Anglican doctrine.

    Seems to me like there’s a singular lack of compassion going on. Or maybe God in all His Glory revealed to the Synod that anal fingering and nipple-licking (amongst many other possibilities!) don’t count after all.

    I’m also wondering how they plan to enforce their proscription. Will they be installing cameras in gay priests’ bedrooms?

    I must admit that that’s not something which I’ve ever felt compelled to search for on the Internet. But it probably exists and therefore, because of the invisible hand of the market, the demand will need to be fed somehow.

    Oh crap! I’ve just given in to ungodly weakness and temptation, and seen just how many Italian nun films there are…

  27. 27
    Nick Gotts

    I’m also wondering how they plan to enforce their proscription. Will they be installing cameras in gay priests’ bedrooms?

    In practice, it’ll be the same system they’ve used up to now with gay clergy, and indeed bishops – DADT. The announcement has seriously pissed off both the “traditionalists” and the “liberals”; the only reason they stay together is for the children real estate.

    Louis@5 – one of your best! If Mollies are still being awarded for comments, that’s a very strong candidate.

  28. 28
    rturpin

    When I was in college, I took a Russian literature class from a married, RC priest.

  29. 29
    Christoph Burschka

    I’m also wondering how they plan to enforce their proscription. Will they be installing cameras in gay priests’ bedrooms?

    I suspect they won’t enforce it. Notice this:

    “Homosexual genital acts fall short of the Christian ideal and are to be met with a call to repentance and the exercise of compassion,”

    That sounds like code for the “you’re totally sinning but it’s between God and you” tactic. It requires a fair bit of doublethink and hypocrisy (and has unfortunate similarities to the way churches have dealt with child-abusing priests), but hey, that’s religion.

    That they’re budging on this at all frankly sounds like a sliver of progress. The more watered-down and abstract these rules become, the weaker their grip on society gets.

  30. 30
    sherryreson

    Now I’m confused. Isn’t the Queen of England the head of the CoE?

  31. 31
    David Marjanović

    Celibacy seems to work pretty well for Catholic priests, insists Church of England

    :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

  32. 32
    shouldbeworking

    The Queen is Supreme Governor, but IIRC, it is mostly ceremonial, like most of her duties.

  33. 33
    Aratina Cage

    Biggest nudge-nudge wink-wink I’ve ever seen from a church. Should be called look-the-other-way-ism.

  34. 34
    a3kr0n

    Methodists, too.

  35. 35
    glodson

    In a few years, the sex restriction will be lifted and the Church will turn this into a total acceptence of homosexuality saying they allowed for gay clergy for years, and justify it with a few cherry picked verses.

    It isn’t a lie, it is an insane delusion.

    Do I need to repent for the lie I just told?

  36. 36
    Cas

    CofE has me absolutely baffled at the moment (beyond the normal!)… ‘Gay’ is bad so they are against same-sex marriages, yet they’ll let gay men in civil partnerships become bishops, as long as they say they’re celibate (I’m not even going to comment on how they’re police that). Meanwhile women clergy (whether they’re married or not) aren’t allowed to be bishops… Huh? I just… Don’t even… Religion *rolls eyes*

  37. 37
    shouldbeworking

    The church will believe a bishop when he says he is celibate, but couldn’t trust a woman to stop being a woman. Orginal sin, baby jeebus, tea and crumpets…

  38. 38
    thecalmone

    Er, what about mutual masturbation, if the blokes are more into that than fucking? These rules are for genital/genital activity, not manual/genital, right?

  39. 39
  40. 40
    stonyground

    I heard about this on the radio news yesterday. The best comment that I have read on the subject was about the CofE jumping through hoops to try and make their ludicrious rules conform with reality.

    Surely it can’t be too long before we are rid of them.

  41. 41
    RFW

    Two technical points.

    Louis refers to a “swing”. The correct word is “sling”, though I admit that low grade sex toy outlets sell “sex swings.”

    Married priests: the Uniate churches (Catholic, but following Orthodox practice, not Roman practice) have a married priesthood. There are disputes from time to time when Rome tries to Romanize various details of the Eastern liturgy and practice and is met with fierce resistance.

  42. 42
    Gregory Greenwood

    I’m also wondering how they plan to enforce their proscription. Will they be installing cameras in gay priests’ bedrooms?

    Of course not, PZ, don’t be ridiculous – they would far rather install cameras in everyone’s bedrooms…

  43. 43
    osmosis

    I thought lying with another man was an abomination, not a sin per se.

  44. 44
    otrame

    Okay, just read through this. I think we need to come up with some kind of recognition just for Louis. I mean, Brownian has his queue and Patricia her couch, but Louis deserves acknowledgement.

  45. 45
    barbyau

    How truly, pathetically sad this is. What a commentary on their value system.

    Here they are, making what they think is this big, generous announcement. This is theirs and their God’s “love” for gays. Their kindness and understanding is indistinguishable from sadistic cruelty.

    It is getting such that they are convincing me of the reality of their God. Maybe we ARE made in his image. Vicious, capricious, cruel as fuck assholes.

  46. 46
    chigau (違う)

    otrame
    Louis has his own queueueue, which may or may not be distinct from Brownian’s.

  47. 47
    barbyau

    @36 because the homophobia is a special case of misogyny. Dick is to be given, not taken. There’s a reason why lesbians bother homophobes so much less than gay men bother them. And it is because no man is demeaning himself by being “woman-like.”

    As we are seeing with the MRAs, misogyny runs very, very deep in our culture.

  48. 48
    Kristof

    So…
    - You shouldn’t be gay! …
    - OK, you can be gay – but you can’t be good Christian!
    - OK, you can be good Christian – but you can’t get married!
    - OK, you can get married – but you can’t have sex!
    What next?
    “OK, you can have sex – but you shouldn’t enyou it!”?

  49. 49
    graham

    This is in the news because the C of E has just decided to allow gay men to become bishops. Which implies a hierarchy of 1) heterosexual men 2) homosexual men, and then all women coming a poor third as they can’t become bishops, regardless of whether they are gay or hetero.

    Not only will these men have to be in relationships which are celibate but they will also have to say ‘sorry’ for all the disgusting gay stuff they’ve been up to previously.

    Hypocrisy and self-loathing anyone?

  50. 50
    Rich Woods

    I can only hope that when Anglicans finally give in and allow women to become bishops or whatever, they’ll also allow gays to become priests/bishops/messiahs too. But then I also hope that they’ll drop all the ridiculous, contrary and hateful shite, and replace all their dogma, flawed history and dubious teachings with ‘Try your honest best to be nice to each other, OK?’

    No-one needs to go into a special building at particular times of the week just to think that one through.

  51. 51
    Argle Bargle

    I’m reminded of the old joke:

    I joined a church that had ten commandments but that was a bit much for me. So I joined another church that had two commandments and eight “do the best you can”s.

  52. 52
    Charlie Foxtrot

    I heard about a ‘Dutch Rudder’ for the first time on the weekend, and now I read this! How appropriate…

  53. 53
    Tâlib Alttaawiil (طالب التاويل)

    “Homosexual genital acts” is a wonderful addition to the language. one is reminded of “erotic whimsies.”

    good ol’ henry viii’s church. so much more healthy than the catholics, yet still so far to go: marriage yes, homosexual marriage yes (but don’t call it that), sex no.

  54. 54
    Louis

    Further extracts from the play “Fuck Me, Vicar, That’s a Big One!” Act 2, scene 4:

    [Curtain opens]

    {Sound of audience slurping gin and tonic and dropping choc-ice wrappers}

    {Scene is a comfortable parlour in what is, quite obviously, a vicarage}

    “…so I said to the deacon ‘You’d have to hit it with tins from the harvest festival before I’d repent you lilly livered sack of shit’, and we all laughed and played pin the tail on the curate.”

    “Quite. Quite. I say, Charles, you’re a chap aren’t you?”

    “Why yes, Gordon. I am.”

    “Well you know what we saw those two lady vicars up to earlier…”

    “Yes. I do. I ruddy well do.”

    “…have you ever considered…”

    “NEVER! The very thought. Outrageous. Abominable. Perverted. Positively Unchristian. We certainly weren’t taught to do that sort of thing at prep school. Or at oratory. I mean….with a woman…”

    “Perish the thought. But I fear you have misunderstood me.”

    “Quite. Quite.”

    “I say, Charles, I do have an idea you know.”

    “Yes, Gordon?”

    “We could, I mean, that is, two chaps could do some of the things those two lady vicars were up to earlier, and for some of the things we would have brought our own equipment so to speak.”

    “Yes, I can see that.”

    “Well, Charles, I was wondering if you would mind helping me with a couple of unapproved activities.”

    “Oh Gordon! What will the bishop say?”

    “I’ll ask him, he’s tied up under my chair.”

    {Sound of unzipping}

    “I say, Bish, would it be tickety boo if Charles and I engaged in a bit of homosexual genital activity?”

    {Muffled voice} “Only if you take this champagne bottle out of my backside so I can play. And if you humbly repent, of course, my child.”

    {Sound of rezipping}

    “Bishop’s game!”

    “I feel quite a repentance coming on already!”

    “I can see that.”

    “Shall we introduce the Bishop to that rather butch member of the church steeple fund raising committee? The one who’s a docker.”

    “Rather! I think Nigel will enjoy meeting the Bishop.”

    “Nip upstairs and fetch Felicity and the defibrillator will you, Gordon?”

    “I shall. And permit me to change into something a little more penitent. I’m almost overcome with remorse at my actions to come.”

    “Steady, Gordon. We don’t want any early admission of sins like last time do we?

    “I have it all under control, Charles. I have my early repentance prevention device around my male abominables as we speak.”

    “You were always good at forward planning. Now I’m off to get me a number 3 adjustable wrench, some mice and a small quantity of Vaseline. I’m not letting the Bishop down again. I’m up for promotion if he gets Durham.”

    “Ohhh you’d look marvellous in a mitre, Charles.”

    “Thank you. I confess I have tried one on. I’ve settled on a large, pink, flared affair with purple frogging.”

    “Oh saucy!”

    “I have no idea what you mean, Gordon. I merely wish to reflect the values I will be bringing to my ministry. A bishop’s mitre sets the tone, and I shall wield my staff with Christian grace to all those who kneel and accept Christ into their bodies.”

    “Ah, the traditional uses of the Eucharist are the best aren’t they?”

    “Well at least this way no one can choke on them.”

    “Indeed.”

    “Anyway, better get started. Ask Mrs Giblets to start the motor and I’ll be back as soon as I have taken the pessary out. Put the Bishop in the sling will you? No not the swing, the sling, it’s an entirely different affair, only a total idiot could mistake them. Careful, if that bottle shatters before he gets in there we’ll have a lot to explain to the Ecumenical Council.”

    “No problem, Charles. Oh and Charles?”

    “Yes?”

    “Mind if Felicity tramples my balls first? Only I’ve been really quite unrepentant for a few minutes now and I feel a deep need to repent quite hard.”

    [Exeunt Omnes]

    [Curtain Closes]

    {Further intermission and “Ecumenical” noises}

    Louis

  55. 55
    bradleybetts

    “They can form civil unions, but they have to be abstinent within them.”

    Lol, whut?

    Also, “Homosexual genital acts”?! I am totally referring to sex as “Genital acts” from now on, that is hilarious.

  56. 56
    bradleybetts

    Louis, you bloody genius, I feel you may have just won the internet :)

  57. 57
    Moggie

    I thought “genital acts” referred to those Puppetry of the Penis guys?

  58. 58
    Louis

    Further extracts from the play “Fuck Me, Vicar, That’s a Big One!” Act 3, final scene:

    [Curtain opens]

    {Sound of profound theological discussion}

    {Scene is an audience room in Buckingham Palace, in attendance the Prime Minister David Cameron, Her Majesty the Queen, His Royal Highness the Duke of Edinburgh, and Justin Welby the new Archbishop of Canterbury}

    “I say, Welby, you’re not going to let pooves and women be bishops are you?”

    “mmmmnumnumnumnum I’m sorry your Majesty, could you move slightly to the left I couldn’t quite hear why His Highness was saying. Thank you. Oh brown hatters and birds?”

    “Yers.”

    “Don’t you worry, Your Highness, I’ve taken care of it.”

    “Bloody good show, can’t have benders being bishops. Oi! Cameron! Did I tell you to stop licking? They don’t teach rimming properly at Eton these days. Did you get an A in Latin, boy? No? I can see why. Now don’t make me dry down there, I want it nice and easy for the new Archbishop’s inauguration.”

    “Philly, I am the head of this church you know, you’re not sound like you’re very repentant.”

    “No way, near, Liz old stick. This new PM of yours is about as much cop as the last one. At least Blair could use his tongue right, this one’s just a slimy little wanker. Quite literally I see.”

    “He’s young, dear, give him time. Now I want you and the archbish to repent on my tits whilst I give the new boy a Cleveland Steamer. If that doesn’t make me repent most sincerely then I’m phoning the Pope. That old bastard has to be good for something except killing Africans and women on the sly.”

    “Quite.”

    “mmmmmmffff I’m struggling to breathe, Your Majesty.”

    “Shut up you horrid little oik and keep lapping. Your kind a ten a penny, I can always get that Sentamu into Canters you know. Now there’s an Archbishop with his finger on the pulse if you know what I mean. Lot’s of happy parishioners in York if you get my drift. Now Phllip, pull yourself off the commoner and fetch the corgis. It’s time for some nibbling.”

    {Sound of yapping and further theological discussion}

    “That’s it, everyone in for a great big communal repent. And a one and a two and a three, oh look Cameron’s lost the ability to repent. Go and get Clegg, at least the Lib Dems like repentance.”

    “God Bless Us and All Who Sail In Us!!!!!!!!”

    “Well, that’s that done. Now get me a footman to dress me, I’m ready to give my Christmas speech. It’s 3D this year you know. Sky and Ron Jeremy are sponsoring it.”

    [Curtains close to the sound of "My husband and I...."]

    Well that’s any chance of a knighthood for me fucked.

    Louis

  59. 59
    David Marjanović

    Louis has his own queueueue

    Tssss. The Louis Pile was established at least half a year ago!

  60. 60
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    Louis, you bloody genius, I feel you may have just won the internet :)

    Yeah. Um, should I feel awkward that I’m actually moderately aroused after reading that? o.O

  61. 61
    Worldtraveller

    After reading Louis’ posts, I think I’ve a man crush. :)

    It seems way too early in the year to award the whole internets, but I think those posts are going to be hard to top.

    errr…so to speak.

  62. 62
    Stardrake

    Louis, I can’t wait for that one to pop up in the West End….

  63. 63
    Jake Hamby

    Louis, perhaps a catchier title for your play would be to use the final part of the quotation from the church and call it “The Exercise of Compassion.” That rather vague phrase seems to apply to all the scenes you’ve written so far. :)

  64. 64
    Louis

    Jakehamby,

    That is a great idea! Thanks!

    Louis

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