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May 05 2012

That book would be so useful in an argument

Anyone know where I can get a copy? I’m already a penis-haver, so I’m good in that department, thanks.

34 comments

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  1. 1
    'Tis Himself

    Benny Ratzi and his predecessor, John Paul the Two Eyes, made it clear that the number one requirement to become a priest was being a penis-haver.

  2. 2
    Akira MacKenzie

    “I am the penis-haver!”

    It’s a lot funnier when you read it with an exaggerated German accent.

  3. 3
    Sili

    *ahegm*

    http://mattbors.com/archives/870.html

  4. 4
    dianepatyjewicz

    Sent to my women friends.
    We used to say that we didn’t have “nuts” and that is why we could not advance in the Catholic church.

    Now I know we are “not a penis haver” and that is why we are the lowly peons in the church.
    I left last year, I think it was one of the most important decisions of my life.

  5. 5
    Trebuchet

    I read that as “penis-waver”. Even better that way!

  6. 6
    jonnyscaramanga

    Clearly the best thing ever. I’m posting this everywhere.

  7. 7
    Marcus Ranum

    When you look at Ratzi’s personal secretary, “penis haver” is good for an extra giggle or two.

  8. 8
    'Tis Himself

    Marcus Ranum,

    It’s not surprising Benny has a gorgeous personal secretary, Benny sets off a whole bunch of peoples’ gaydars.

  9. 9
    F [is for failure to emerge]

    dianepatyjewicz, good for you. Isn’t it a relief?

    -F(ormer Catholic)

  10. 10
    ericdutton

    Thanks, Sili. Until you provided that link, I had thought that “bors” was supposed to be an onomatopoeia for the sound of a book slamming shut.

  11. 11
    tim rowledge, Ersatz Haderach

    Could have sworn it read ‘penis-shaver’ the first time I saw it. It certainly doesn’t make any less sense as an argument for having The Authoriteh.

  12. 12
    kemist, Dark Lord of the Sith

    It’s a lot funnier when you read it with an exaggerated German accent.

    In my head for some reason the accent was italian.

    Especially the “shut your face” part.

    I blame Family Guy.

  13. 13
    IslandBrewer

    Whenever I read a quote from the current pedophile apologist, it makes me want to click my heels together and raise my arm.

    Wait, does that count as Godwinning?

  14. 14
    cag

    IslandBrewer #13, around these parts it is more like Godlosing. We shall have no Godwinning.

  15. 15
    David Marjanović

    From the same site. Thanks, Sili.

  16. 16
    nickterlizzi

    “I am the penis-haver” links to small.png

    /supermature

  17. 17
    McCthulhu, now with -25% less fat.

    The cartoonists really captures the spirit of the demented little Hitler youth goblin that is Pope Fritz.

    For the record, penis-having is highly overrated as far as actually giving you veto powers vs. a wife and daughter who aren’t superstitious twits.

  18. 18
    McCthulhu, now with -25% less fat.

    @Sili: Is ‘*ahegm*’ the more phlegmatic version of *ahem*? I guess having a bit more mucous rattling around the glottis does elicit more attention from the room.

  19. 19
    shazibrahim

    Gays are Penis-Havers too.

    I guess maybe the church wants gay men’s penises to be called something else (Civil Uniters, maybe?)

  20. 20
    timberwoof

    shazibrahim, according to the Catholic church, gay men can have penises—just not use them.

  21. 21
    Azuma Hazuki

    Hey, I’m a penis-haver too! It lives in my sockdrawer and is blue and eats batteries (and possibly dustbunnies too…?). So can I wave it around like a lightsaber? Will it go “wang, wang!” like a lightsaber does? This is especially appropriate given Ratzie looks like Palpatine…

  22. 22
    Rutee Katreya

    But Luke’s wangsaber was green…

  23. 23
    JAL: Snark, Sarcasm & Bitterness

    But Luke’s wangsaber was green…

    Ratzi’s must be red then.

  24. 24
    McCthulhu, now with -25% less fat.

    I waited and waited and nobody said it…

    “I see your Schwartz is as big as mine!”

  25. 25
    summerminor

    My friends and I play a game of rock-paper-scissors where penis trumps vagina. Now I know a new response to give while playing. LOL

  26. 26
    Rolan le Gargéac

    summerminor @25

    …where penis trumps vagina

    Shirley that is wrong ! A vagina can have as many penii as she wants ! Nibble they tiny heads off !

  27. 27
    Winterwind

    @McCthulhu #18

    A rare example of the phlegmatic fallacy?

  28. 28
    John Morales

    [OT + meta]

    Winterwind, more like well-done than rare.

    OTOH, mucus is the noun, mucous the adjective

    </pedant>

  29. 29
    Drolfe

    [OT]

    Azuma, Ruteekatreya,

    Now, now, Luke’s lightsabers have been both blue and green! (And yellow if you include the Kenner action-figure of my youth.)

    (This is going overboard, right?)

  30. 30
    McCthulhu, now with -25% less fat.

    @Winterwind:

    The thread was already phallusy enough without my help.

    @J. Morales:

    Thanks for pointing out the difference. People usually don’t bring these things up because it’s snot polite dinner conversation.

  31. 31
    RFW

    I don’t know what the situation is today, but in medieval times a man could not become a priest if he lacked bodily intactitude. [Cripey, I sure phrased that badly!] In one of Sigrid Undset’s interminable novels set in medieval Norway, this is a plot mechanism: a son destined for the church loses a finger thereby kiboshing the plan.

    And there are persistent (though probably false) rumors that the last step in electing a new pope is to have the cardinal electors verify that the pope-elect has two balls, by sitting him in a chair with a U-shaped seat, there to be fondled religiously. I hope they wear rubber gloves! [Does anyone make bright red disposable latex gloves? Is there a factory in Italy that does a special production run for every papal election?]

    PS: Warning: Do not read Sigrid Undset’s interminable novels set in medieval Norway if you are prone to depression. Both “The Master of Hestiviken” and “Kristin Lavransdatter” are tales of people whose lives go off the rails over and over. The most humourless, least happy books ever written.

  32. 32
    PZ Myers

    Ya, it’s a Norwegian thing.

  33. 33
    Didaktylos

    Time to update the infamous joke:

    “Balls!” said the nun, “If I had them I could be Pope.”

    “Nuts!” said the bishop, “I’ve got them and I’m not Pope yet.”

    “Crap!” said the Pope, and all over the Vatican the priests dropped their trousers and squatted …

  34. 34
    David Marjanović

    Will it go “wang, wang!” like a lightsaber does?

    Day saved.

    Does anyone make bright red disposable latex gloves? Is there a factory in Italy that does a special production run for every papal election?

    I don’t want to know.

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