Apr 19 2012

Welp, I’m converted now

Categories:

Humor, Stupidity

by PZ Myers

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83 comments

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1

dano

19 April 2012 at 12:26 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I like that one. I will forward it on to my xing friends. Thx PZ!
2

JT (Generic)

19 April 2012 at 12:26 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Fractal Wrongness has a new standard
3

Ms. Daisy Cutter, Gynofascist in a Spiffy Hugo Boss Uniform

19 April 2012 at 12:27 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

That ex-SEAL was Einstein.

And the ex-walrus was Paul.
4

jamierussell

19 April 2012 at 12:27 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

That’s just a hilarious parody, right? Right?!
I mean, the way it’s way over the top, it has to be a parody, yes?
5

feralboy12

19 April 2012 at 12:29 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

And then everyone in the room looked under their chairs and found a million dollars.
Killed By Fish
6

Dave, the Kwisatz Haderach

19 April 2012 at 12:29 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I’m not sure if I should be weeping or applauding, maybe both. Someone help me out here.
7

Ms. Daisy Cutter, Gynofascist in a Spiffy Hugo Boss Uniform

19 April 2012 at 12:31 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Hm, should we be reassuring jamierussell or yanking their chain?
8

Reginald Selkirk

19 April 2012 at 12:34 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

“A pro-life Navy SEAL” – because that’s what Navy SEALs do, promote life.
9

Tabby Lavalamp

19 April 2012 at 12:34 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

If someone can’t figure out it’s satire before even getting to “That ex-SEAL was EINSTEIN”…
10

Markr1957

19 April 2012 at 12:34 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

The argument from brutality school of philosophy? ‘Agree I’m right or you die’ wins plenty of arguments in bars, if not in classrooms.
11

Ogvorbis: Insert Appropriate Appelation Here

19 April 2012 at 12:34 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

+++OUT OF CHEESE ERROR+++ +++RESET TO ZERO+++ +++ADD MORE ANTS+++
12

Randide, ou l'Optimisme

19 April 2012 at 12:35 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Hm, should we be reassuring jamierussell or yanking their chain?

Well, if it helps, Ms. Cutter, I was in that classroom that day and saw the whole thing. The “several times” that the Pledge was read was eight.

Eight.
13

Ms. Daisy Cutter, Gynofascist in a Spiffy Hugo Boss Uniform

19 April 2012 at 12:35 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Tabby Lavalamp:

If someone can’t figure out it’s satire before even ~~getting to “That ex-SEAL was EINSTEIN”~~ finishing the first paragraph…

FIFY.
14

Heterocera

19 April 2012 at 12:37 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Nice….But you could see some Xians being proud of it…..
15

jamessweet

19 April 2012 at 12:37 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

If humans evolved from inanimate matter, why is there still inanimate matter?

Is it because we didn’t actually evolve from inanimate matter, and merely shared a common ancestor with inanimate matter?
16

Ms. Daisy Cutter, Gynofascist in a Spiffy Hugo Boss Uniform

19 April 2012 at 12:38 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Randide, did that happen before or after you saw the bees swarm out of the waitress’s beehive hairdo and sting her to death? Or the time you found the severed arm with the hook for a hand stuck in your car door?
17

andrewbowers

19 April 2012 at 12:38 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

This is hilarious! It’s a parody of a right-wing chain letter making the rounds on Facebook and other places.

http://www.snopes.com/religion/einstein.asp
18

anathema

19 April 2012 at 12:40 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I wasn’t entirely sure whether or not it was satire until the eagle of Small Government flew into the room.

But damn, this thing is brilliant.
19

davidcantin

19 April 2012 at 12:41 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Where did he get the rock?

Is that part of Navy Seal training? Always travel with a rock?
20

Caine, Fleur du mal

19 April 2012 at 12:41 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor abortion doctor

Oh, they messed up. That should have been a liberal muslim lesbian ACLU lawyer professor abortion doctor and slutty, uppity woman.
21

anathema

19 April 2012 at 12:42 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

@ andrewbowers:

It’s a parody of this one too:

http://www.snopes.com/religion/chalk.asp
22

Daniel Fincke

19 April 2012 at 12:44 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

A comic strip also skewering such tropes: http://freethoughtblogs.com/camelswithhammers/2009/08/07/the-evil-atheist-philosophy-professor-vs-a-piece-of-chalk/
23

Randide, ou l'Optimisme

19 April 2012 at 12:45 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

The scary part was when I was at home studying after that class, and I kept getting threatening phone calls from the professor. (Obviously, this was before he was tossed into the lake of fire*)

Would you believe, THE CALLS WERE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

*You guys need to remind me to post the pictures of him being tossed into the lake. Some of those shots turned out fantastic.
24

Glen Davidson

19 April 2012 at 12:48 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Dammit, I’m still worshipping Darwin.

We’re supposed to be worshipping Marx instead now? Or, at least, as the highest God?

Glen Davidson
25

IslandBrewer

19 April 2012 at 12:49 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Hah!

I also like this version:

http://depressingfacts.tumblr.com/post/6490229024/what-the-real-dialogue-with-a-theist-aka-the-albert
26

anathema

19 April 2012 at 12:50 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Oh, they messed up. That should have been a liberal muslim lesbian ACLU lawyer professor abortion doctor and slutty, uppity woman.

Ah, but then they would have to acknowledge that women (and slutty, uppity women at that) could become professors/doctors/lawyers.

I don’t think the sort of people who pass these types of chain letters around are all too keen to acknowledge that women can be professors. Even when casting the professor in a negative light. Because the idea of any female professor, even an evil one, just completely screws with their idea of gender roles.
27

pascallede watering

19 April 2012 at 12:51 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I think my only response to this could be….

Lol whut?
28

Glen Davidson

19 April 2012 at 12:57 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Sequel:

The man who had been on a roof in the flood was brought bodily down to earth to call PZ a poopyhead professor.

Glen Davidson
29

Caine, Fleur du mal

19 April 2012 at 12:58 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

anathema:

Ah, but then they would have to acknowledge that women (and slutty, uppity women at that) could become professors/doctors/lawyers.

Oh, they do. That’s a major problem with leaving home & church – you encounter those uppity, slutty, career-oriented wimmins. Bad, very bad, they aren’t on their knees submitting and they lead to bad, bad things, oh my yes.

Women, the Original Evil.™
30

Alverant

19 April 2012 at 1:03 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Satire or not, I’ll bet someone thinks it’s real or at least mostly real or the sentiment conveyed by the military guy.
31

Giliell, not to be confused with The Borg

19 April 2012 at 1:05 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Ah, but then they would have to acknowledge that women (and slutty, uppity women at that) could become professors/doctors/lawyers.

Only via affirmative action aka reverse sexism, misandry and white holocaust

I was expecting the Eagle of small government to nest in the nearest uterus.
32

Beatrice, anormalement indécente

19 April 2012 at 1:05 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Ah, but then they would have to acknowledge that women (and slutty, uppity women at that) could become professors/doctors/lawyers.

Of course we can! When we steal those jobs from hard-working men, using our female privilege brought on by the oppressive system of matriarchy which is ruining lives of Real Men everywhere (fake men are on our side, of course).
33

David Marjanović

19 April 2012 at 1:06 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I’m with Caine. :-)
34

R Johnston

19 April 2012 at 1:17 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Meh. The story obviously isn’t real, but whether it’s a right-wing aspirational feel-good story or a parody of wingnut letter-forwarding would be a very close call absent a few specific references. “1500 tours of duty” in particular is even more over-the-top than a true wingnut piece would be. Pretty much everything else in there is either run-of-the-mill metaphor or a pretty accurate and fair description of what wingnuts make clear they believe the academic world to be like and what they’d like to see happen in response that wouldn’t seem at all out of place in a David Horowitz newsletter or similar.
35

Caine, Fleur du mal

19 April 2012 at 1:18 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Alverant:

I’ll bet someone thinks it’s real or at least mostly real

As demonstrated by Dano the Godbot in comment #1.
36

'Tis Himself

19 April 2012 at 1:19 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

LOL WHUT?
37

pokeymantic

19 April 2012 at 1:26 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

YES! Thank you. This is the perfect response to that ridiculous facebook meme going around right now about Einstein thinking that temperature can’t be observed and measured so therefore you are smart if you think god is real. Or something…

Love it so much.
38

Louis

19 April 2012 at 1:34 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I call bullshit! This isn’t hateful enough.

The professor was not a woman.

Louis
39

Louis

19 April 2012 at 1:35 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Bugger! Someone pre-empted my noticing the missing misogyny (or is it missing…hmmmm?)

Teach me to read the fucking thread first won’t it.

Louis
40

LuminiferousEthan

19 April 2012 at 1:35 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

This originated on 4chan. So I’m pretty certain we can dismiss it as not being serious.
41

okstop

19 April 2012 at 1:36 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I laughed out loud when I read this… and then I realized that, sure as I was laughing, there were people out there who would just nod and say, “That’s right. Praise Jesus!” upon reading it. I weep.
42

bbgunn

19 April 2012 at 1:50 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Disappointing. Not even one reference to Hitler.
43

ogremeister

19 April 2012 at 2:02 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

anathema @ 26:

I don’t think the sort of people who pass these types of chain letters around are all too keen to acknowledge that women can be professors. Even when casting the professor in a negative light. Because the idea of any female professor, even an evil one, just completely screws with their idea of gender roles.

Not only that, but a female professor wouldn’t be as great a challenge to overcome as a male, you see. And in keeping with the left/right paradigm, it therefore must be a homosexual male.
44

Skip White

19 April 2012 at 2:05 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Funniest thing I’ve seen this week. And I just watched the recent South Park with the talking cat meme last night.
45

Ms. Daisy Cutter, Gynofascist in a Spiffy Hugo Boss Uniform

19 April 2012 at 2:15 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Randide:

Would you believe, THE CALLS WERE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

But who was phone?
46

Katherine Lorraine, Chaton de la Mort

19 April 2012 at 2:38 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

@Ms. Daisy Cutter:

I dunno, but all I know was that they told me not to abort my baby because he is Beethoven.
47

Owlmirror

19 April 2012 at 2:47 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

But who was phone?

Homosexual agenda + phone → Homophone
48

IslandBrewer

19 April 2012 at 3:08 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Disappointing. Not even one reference to Hitler.

And the professor was Hitler.
49

IslandBrewer

19 April 2012 at 3:09 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

… and I fail blockquotes.
50

jamesproffitt

19 April 2012 at 3:21 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
51

daniellavine

19 April 2012 at 3:26 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

A mashup of several different “humbling the nasty atheist professor” legends into one hilarious ball of nonsense. Good stuff.

For reference, there are at least three similar legends being referenced here:
-The chalk legend
-The Navy SEAL legend
-The Einstein legend

There’s also a similar Jack Chick tract but I don’t think it’s being parodied here. Actually, the Chick tract is so stupid it’s probably parody resistant.
52

G.D.

19 April 2012 at 3:27 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

If someone can’t figure out it’s satire before even getting to “That ex-SEAL was EINSTEIN”…

You have obviously not spent a lot of time in the really bizarre outskirts of the Internet. I have seen “arguments” for the existence of God (or, more usually, for the existence of Atlantis, lizard people or the healing effects of Ormus) that were not intended as parody but were far more over-the-top, incoherent, hysterical, and crazy than this one.

In fact you don’t need to go nearly as far as to Bill Deagle or Fritz Springmeier to find something similar intended in all sincerity. If anyone had claimed that Linda Harvey or Alan Keyes had penned this one I would have seen no reason not to believe them.
53

cag

19 April 2012 at 3:31 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

That’s right, Einstein was quite the comedian.
54

Phalacrocorax, not a particularly smart avian

19 April 2012 at 3:49 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

And the professor was Hitler.

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying “No! Conservatives are Nazis! I must kill the Nazis!”

The voice of Rush Limbaugh on the radio said “No, professor. You are the nazi — the feminazi.”

And then professor was Hitler.
55

mcwaffle

19 April 2012 at 4:04 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

The best part was the eagle named “Small Government.”
56

gaboentropia

19 April 2012 at 4:06 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

It’s a parody, but it is based on a very similar, and seriously presented, by real apologists who also said that the kid was Einstein.

But sure, it is easy to believe that the post is serious. After all, if we read stupidity at this level from apologists, even this one could be mistaken for real apologetics. Poe’s law in effect.
57

jaybee

19 April 2012 at 4:30 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

… (additional information) …

The troubled professor went home muttering to himself the whole way, “How can this be?” Arriving home, unable to face the strain any longer, he took out a gun and shot his wife and kids and the dog* before finally turning the gun on himself.

As the bullet traveled down the barrel of the gun, the professor realized he wasn’t an atheist anymore**, and prayed out to Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior for forgiveness. And he was. His wife and kids were waiting up in heaven for him with open arms, along with the tip of his left hand index finger which had been lost years before in a woodworking accident.

* because atheists have no morals and do stuff like that all the time

** it is well known that nobody dies an atheist. they all shit their pants when staring at the grim reaper and repent.
58

Cole van Krieken

19 April 2012 at 4:30 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

The best one of these I ever found went like this.

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.” The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am God. I’m still waiting.” It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and lifted up his arm to strike him.

At that moment the professor was transformed into a 7-foot grizzly, wreathed in a halo of holy fire. The bear spoke: “Blasphemer thou art, thou thinkst to take the place of God? Those who deny me face eternal fire, but you who knows my work and yet commits the sin of Satan I curse a hundred times over!” The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently picking at his boils. Then Richard Dawkins burst into the room, wielding a copy of The Selfish Gene and crying “Leave that boy alone, you pathetic atavism!” As the holy bear whirled around, terrible light flashing in its eyes, Dawkins shed his mortal form, raised each of his seven horned heads, and hissed. “It’ssss me you want!” Then the Lord and the Antichrist joined in the final battle.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
59

miller

19 April 2012 at 4:56 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

That totally looks like a Poe, but I remember last week one of my FB friends posted the same photo with the words, “Christians, please stop spreading this story”. There was a long comment thread talking about an earlier FB meme.

That photo… that’s from the movie “A Serious Man”. I loved that movie. The character is Jewish, so I’m disappointed that this was not among the adjectives applied to him.
60

sw

19 April 2012 at 5:11 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Jesus, we really need to start teaching satire in school. “We must get on our knees and worship Marx, the most highly evolved being the world has ever know, greater than Jesus Christ”. How much clearer could it have been?!
61

Lyn M: Just Lyn M.

19 April 2012 at 5:44 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I particularly like the board behind the prof. No wonder I’m not famous and teaching at a world class university. My arms are too short.
62

Marcus Ranum

19 April 2012 at 6:12 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I was waiting for the part where the rock got thrown at someone’s head.
63

New England Bob

19 April 2012 at 6:13 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

That was a waste of electrons.
64

amenhotepstein

19 April 2012 at 6:44 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Then Richard Dawkins burst into the room, wielding a copy of The Selfish Gene and crying “Leave that boy alone, you pathetic atavism!” As the holy bear whirled around, terrible light flashing in its eyes, Dawkins shed his mortal form, raised each of his seven horned heads, and hissed. “It’ssss me you want!” Then the Lord and the Antichrist joined in the final battle.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

And then one of the students asked, “Will this be on the exam?”
65

jimkakalios

19 April 2012 at 7:03 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Man, I’m STILL learning new things about Einstein! Thank you internets!
66

shazibrahim

19 April 2012 at 8:24 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Oh, my…Stars.
Who is the fucking idiot that wrote this?
67

crissakentavr

19 April 2012 at 8:35 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Who writes these things, why do they write them, and how do they think it’ll be received?

I can’t imagine even enjoying a story written like this assuming the moral was supposedly one I supported.

When liberals write like this, it’s usually sarcasm.
68

Usernames are stupid

19 April 2012 at 9:14 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

And the professor was Hitler.
— IslandBrewer #48

Hitler had tenure?

Wait, what? He only wrote that third-rate autobiography!
69

sunsangnim

19 April 2012 at 9:15 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Why was the patriotic Navy SEAL taking a course on Marx in the first place?
70

Ms. Daisy Cutter, Gynofascist in a Spiffy Hugo Boss Uniform

19 April 2012 at 10:44 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Katherine Lorraine, they need to do way instain mother>who give birth to babby einstein because these babby einstein cant frigth back.

G.D., I take your point that there are a lot of whackjobs out there, hence the concept of the Poe. But this post completely set off my parody detector, and my parody detector sometimes needs a new battery. I mean, every sentence is stuffed with as many wingnut catchphrases as it can plausibly hold, and even some it can’t. The eagle and the flat-tax rate are just … not things that wingnuts would come up with. And, most tellingly, all of it is spelled and punctuated correctly.

Cole van Krieken, if that were a movie, I’d watch the shit out of it.
71

dumpstercake

19 April 2012 at 11:01 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

@LuminiferousEthan

This is from somethingawful, not 4chan.
72

FlickingYourSwitch

19 April 2012 at 11:33 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I’m pleased to see parody is not yet completely dead. I do fear its days are numbered though, as reality approaches infinite crazy.
73

Catnip, Not a Polymath

20 April 2012 at 2:00 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

As parody it has merit.

The sad thing is it rang very similar to some of the trolls we have been seeing around here recently, so while it is difficult to believe you could believe it real, paradoxically, its also not so much different from the real thing.
74

susan

20 April 2012 at 3:39 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

@25 IslandBrewer
That was excellent!
75

Daz

20 April 2012 at 7:37 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Seal? No way. Einstein was a walrus.

Obligatory link
76

jnorris

20 April 2012 at 9:58 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

A bit too much for good satire. The SEAL would never had addressed the professor as Pinhead. The Seal would never be that rude. Otherwise its spot on Christian.
77

rizzlecg

20 April 2012 at 4:42 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I think some people just get PoeWNED
78

imthegenieicandoanything

20 April 2012 at 7:53 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

It’s brilliant, but – and this is no criticism ast all, just my taste – should have ended the initial anecdote with:

“And that’s the REST… of the STORY!”
79

Sili

21 April 2012 at 5:07 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Hitler had tenure?

Wait, what? He only wrote that third-rate autobiography!

I don’t see why not. Stalin was a linguist, and Elena Ceaușescu singlehandedly coäuthored all Romanian chemistry papers.
80

David Marjanović

21 April 2012 at 5:26 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Stalin was a linguist

To be fair, he AFAIK never authored more than the letter to Pravda which ended Marrism*, said to be ghostwritten by the Georgian linguist Arnold Chikobava.

* Marr : linguistics :: Lysenko : biology. Complete with scientists sent to the Gulag and all.
81

David Marjanović

21 April 2012 at 6:08 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

about Einstein thinking that temperature can’t be observed and measured

lolwut?

Denial: not just a river in Egypt anymore.
82

Ava, Oporornis maledetta

23 April 2012 at 2:19 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

This is parody worthy of Jesus’s General.

Daz, #75: I thought you were linking to the bucket-less walrus at I Can Has Cheezburger, but of course, Paul as the ex-Walrus is it.
83

cjmitchell

25 April 2012 at 2:08 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

@ #60

I think even Jesus would have been pro-school-satire, all things considered.

I had a couple of teachers in middle school who tried to teach it. I caught on and was the only one laughing, but I was also the only kid I knew who had read any Dickens by that point.

–

Is this on Facebook yet? If not, it should be. Do it now, or my army of chibi Cthulhus shall be sicced upon you! (I can’t bet on FB at work.)