Sep 28 2011

The abuse thread

I am so bogged down in work…I’m clinging on to the faint hope of liberation as all my deadlines are past next Tuesday (and they will be met! They must!), but until then, I’m thoroughly tied up and sweating over a gazillion things that have to be finished right now. So blogging will be light for a bit.

Until I’ve leapt past the work essentials though, I’d like to keep you occupied, so I’m open for insults. Vent over my failures and laziness by calling me names in the thread below. Try to be creative; zoological insults are particularly appreciated, and please avoid trite scatology.

I’m going back to the word processor, so the time to start is…NOW.

(Also on Sb)


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  1. 1

    I feel that lately you have been neglecting men.

    *runs for cover*

  2. 2

    Loquacious Pharyngulite

  3. 3

    I am just going to be uncreative and say poopyhead. :)

  4. 4
    Johnny Vector

    You mandibularly hirsute, unrepentant chordate Homo! I respire in your general direction.

  5. 5

    You sir, are a slug a bed, your slothful behavior regarding posting of today’s dose of doggerel has not gone unnoticed by the eagle-eyed readers of this blog. We will continue to hound you until you cease to flounder.

  6. 6
    Glen Davidson

    Head-foot critter.

    Oh, abuse? I thought you wanted compliments.

    Glen Davidson

  7. 7

    You know, Professor, you are all-right.
    Thanks for all the great articles and information you send out to us.
    Please take a few days and get things done that need to be done. Don’t worry about us we will be just fine:
    We’ve got ENKIDUM and matt penfold to keep us entertained.
    Thanks again.

  8. 8
    Jacob van Beverningk

    Are YOU saying that you let work interfere with your blogging duties?
    Shame on you!

  9. 9
    Darth Marmalade

    Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!

  10. 10

    I’m going to go with one from my high school soccer coach (he was from Liverpool, so the spelling is suspect as I only ever heard him say it, not write it):

    You hairy great, spawny-eyed, parrot-faced wasik.

    (Also, his translation is suspect, so apologies if this means something too terrible).

  11. 11

    You sir are a uniramian Malpighian tubule. You are unfit to even be called a jerboan but we can safely settle on referring to you as a pogonan who feeds on the innards of hermetian larvae.

    Also: Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

    “I wanted to complain.”
    “Oh, I’m sorry. That’s next door. This is abuse”


  12. 12
    Another Byte on the Web

    You are just like a catholic priest.

  13. 13
    Sean Boyd

    ‘Sarcastic Fringehead’ (from the list to which PZ linked) seems most appropriate. And yet, it doesn’t seem like much of an insult.

  14. 14
    chigau (違う)

    From the linked list:
    sarcastic fringehead and common babbler are my favorites.

  15. 15

    Associate professorship in Developmental Biology in Stanford

    Dear PZ:

    I’ve been trying to reach you through e-mail, but my messages keep on being delayed and then rejected. Below, the body of my messages:

    I received an e-mail announcing that the Department of Developmental Biology of Stanford University is hiring a new Associate Professor. I immediately thought of you (besides working in Stanford, the weather in California must be better than in Morris). The mail doesn’t say much more, just to contact Sue Elliott, Faculty Affairs Administrator ([email protected]), with your résumé, a description of your professional interests and three letters of recommendation with electronic signature, before October 15. The mail advises to check the department’s website (http://devbio.stanford.edu) for more information on the matter, but I couldn’t find any (I didn’t search very deeply) but the sender of the e-mail is a trustworthy source, so I decided to e-mail you about it. Perhaps something good might come out of it.

    Best regards

    José Arturo Enríquez (the taller guy you had breakfast and later went to the cathedral with in Mexico City)

  16. 16
    No Really

    You want an insult? Sir, you deserve to have your children convert to various fundamentalist religious sects, and embrace creationism and homeopathy. May the rest of your days be filled with maddening, estranged relationships to those who should be closest to you.

  17. 17

    I hope your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down.

  18. 18

    (darn – Darth M posted the classic while I was composing my post; h/t to you Darth)

  19. 19

    Thou loggerheaded decayed harpy!

    As i’m much more lazy then thou, this is from the Shakespeare insult generator

  20. 20

    Cat lover!

  21. 21

    You are a vertebrate son of a sperm whale….

  22. 22
    Glen Davidson

    You old gnu, ursine porcupine, and clammy geoduck.

    Get your donkey in gear, your mouse on the pad, and be like a beaver working a pole tree.

    Glen Davidson

  23. 23
    Rabid Child

    You’re like the honey badger. You just don’t give a sh*t, do you?

  24. 24
    Dhorvath, OM


  25. 25
    Kaintukee Bob

    Well, if the goal is to be as insulting to PZ as possible…


    I’ll pray that you get your work done in time.

  26. 26

    How can I insult something so docile?

  27. 27

    Come, you are a tedious fool. To the purpose.

    This one is more on topic, from the Shakespearean Insulter.

  28. 28

    You Little Grebe!
    You Blue-footed Booby!
    You Yellow-billed Loon!!!

  29. 29


  30. 30

    Putrid effluence.

  31. 31

    Yay for I shall glib thy cod!

  32. 32

    When it comes to insults (animal or otherwise), I’ll have to defer to the master.


    Aardvark! Abecedarians! Aborigine! Addle-pated lumps of anthracite! (old) Alcoholic! Anachronisms! Anacoluthons! Antediluvian bulldozer! Anthracite! Anthropithecus! Anthropophagus! Arabian Nightmare! Artichokes! Autocrats! Aztecs!

  33. 33

    You are just so a “Bearded Blog Sloth”

  34. 34

    I’m surprised I’m the first to yell


  35. 35
    Rey Fox

    Don’t give me that you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings! Shut your festering gob you tit! Your type makes me puke! You vacuous toffee-nosed malodorous pervert!

  36. 36
    Cor (formerly evil)

    Anglo-Saxon, hetero-normative, covertly patriarchal, privileged, Zebrafish abortionist!

    I like the way you have your beard these days, though; keep it up.

  37. 37

    But I came here for an argument!

  38. 38

    Boooo! Booo! Booooo! …That’s what you are… the king of garbage… the king of refuse… so bow down to him if you want… bow to him… bow to the king of slime, the king of filth, the king of putrescence.. BOOO! BOOOO! RUBBISH! FILTH! SLIME! MUCK! BOOO! BOOO! BOOOOOOOO!

  39. 39

    You’re more slothful and queer than a pair of mating leopard slugs!

    Shit, that’s oddly beautiful, if you’ve seen it. Guess I suck at this.

  40. 40
    Richard C

    Letting real-world duties take precedence? Sounds like such a friggin’ biologist. Gotta get your hands dirty or you’re not happy. No, if you were a *real* scientist like, say, a theoretical physicist, you would know that time and space are incomprehensible and deadlines are meaningless. You wouldn’t have to actually *grade* every single one of those tests or read those papers, just throw them on a probabilistic bell curve, ignore the outliers as statistically insignificant, and you’ll be well within an acceptable 2.7% margin of error. And then have plenty of time to, like, bathe. And then spend the rest of your day pondering whether string theory implies 10, 11, or 26 invisible dimensions. (Or more! Wouldn’t that be deep, man…)

    Sheesh. Doing *work*. Such a moron.

  41. 41

    Poppyhead was post #3. I for one liked the “unchi no atama”. (reminder for others, in Japanese, unchi = poppy, atama = head, no = much like ‘s in English).

    PZ, you muculent neo-atheist. Whose atama is made of unchi.

    But I think I have a better one:

    => PZ, forever in my mind, the “Z” with resonate as “Zed”. I might go even as far as to call you Mister Zed.

  42. 42

    Your mother was a cephalopod, and your father smelt of seaweed. I send squid rocket-sperm in your general direction.

  43. 43

    Oh, PZ! Here you are behaving like your weaker students — waiting till the last minute to get things done! How embarrassing (that we are so much like our students)!

  44. 44

    Using this English-to-N00bish translator (or maybe English-to-Trollish?):


    On a slightly less insulting note, you might want to try using that translator for mangling trolls’ posts, you scoundrel!

  45. 45
    Antiochus Epiphanes

    #15: PZ craves invective, and rather you hurl a job advert? Have you no shame?

    Invective: You cloaca-less bifid-assed eutherian heterodontic sebaceous-exudate licker! I obscenity in the milk of thy mother!

  46. 46

    You sir are an adorable cuddly teddybear, Ha!

  47. 47

    oops.. never mind, next time I use Ctrl-F…

  48. 48
    chigau (違う)


  49. 49
    PZ Myers

    Good…your hate has made you powerful. Now fulfill your destiny and take your father’s place at my side! Strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey towards the dark side will be complete!

  50. 50
    Gregory Greenwood

    please avoid trite scatology.

    But that knocks out so many classics!

    Hmmm… What to do, what to do? So many options…

    Eureka! I have it!

    As a son of dear old Blighty, I will continue wilfully calling you P Zed, because I know how much that particular Brit-ism annoys you.

    Furthermore, I will misspell your surname.

    Professor Meirs

  51. 51
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    Your beard isn’t nearly as sexy as you think it is.

  52. 52

    There are more neurons in a single arm of a blue-ringed octopus than in the entirety of the ear-separator you call a brain.

  53. 53

    That’s just more reasons to opt for “unchi no atama”. Orthography is the work of basement cat.

  54. 54
    myeck waters

    Bob Enyart would totally kick your ass in a debate.

  55. 55

    May an unclean camel back into your linen closet.

    (sniff sniff) I think it already has.

  56. 56

    @PZ Myers
    So… coupling it with my “Mister Zed” insult… I guess that makes it “Emperor Zed”. “Kneel before Zed!” does have a nice ring to it IMHO. “Kneel before Zee!” sounds too much like you are having somebody kneel in front of a mirror.

  57. 57
    Gregory Greenwood

    Good…your hate has made you powerful. Now fulfill your destiny and take your father’s place at my side! Strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey towards the dark side will be complete!

    “With the Sith, always two there are:- the master, and the apprentice…”

    Fortunately, with gnu atheists there are no such limitations…

    We are all your apprentices, master, and our baby baby-eating, troll-mangling, accomodationism-crushing ways have made us strong in the Dark Side of teh Interwebs!

    All we need now is a death star, and we can comprehensively annihilate the Creation Museum from the comfort of orbit.

    Ken Ham:- “But you promised you wouldn’t expose the logical inconsistenceies of creationism!”

    Grand Moff Myers:- “You really shouldn’t be so trusting delusional.”

    And of course;

    “I was as if a great many trolls suddenly cried out together in banal arse-hattery, and then were suddenly silenced…”

  58. 58

    Bob Enyart would totally kick your ass in a debate.

    How would Enyart do that? Whip us bloody like helpless children with his belt?

  59. 59

    You… you spoony bard!

  60. 60
    Snowshoe the Canuck

    wow, so much creativity. Here I am, exhausted after teaching students about coloumb’s law and looking forward to a lunch time intelligent discussion about Anything other than rudimentary math and some students difficulty with same, and I get this excuse!

    If I wanted excuses for not getting the most important task done, I would talk to my freshmen about their homework.

    PZ you are acting like an undergrad!

  61. 61

    PZ, I thought I was already on the dark side (along with the other ‘militant’ atheists). You’re preaching to the stormtrooper choir, here.

  62. 62

    Here’s something hurtful- Your arguments have driven me back to religion!

  63. 63
    Ogvorbis: Still failing at being human.

    You, sir, are an inveterate masticator, one who has, most likely, willingly perambulated small children while encouraging the child, and instructing the innocent soul, in proper mastication techniques. Further, I suspect that you have, buried in your past, episodes of thespian behaviour. And, may I add, you possess more imagination and scruples than even the most accomplished ferroequinologist!

  64. 64

    Placozoan desmosome.
    Filarial nematode.
    Lophotrochozoan platyhelminth.

  65. 65
    myeck waters
    Bob Enyart would totally kick your ass in a debate.

    How would Enyart do that? Whip us bloody like helpless children with his belt?

    Hey man, he was asking for insults. That was the most insulting thing I could think of offhand.

  66. 66
    Howlin' Wolf


  67. 67

    Pointless pile of pedantically pontificating primate protoplasm.

  68. 68

    You are trite and scatological.

    Oh…wait. We were supposed to avoid those things?


  69. 69
    Cosmic Snark

    P.Z., you’re so clueless, you couldn’t get a clue if you doused yourself in clue musk and stood in the middle of a clue herd during the height of clue mating season.

  70. 70

    I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. No… wait… yes, I would.

  71. 71
    Gregory Greenwood

    I think it is time that we unveil Pharyngula’s new theme song.

  72. 72

    You *are* into humiliation. We knew it all along.

    All those radical feminists abusing you.

    Having an angry wank, PZ?

  73. 73

    Your face looks like the north end of a southbound Jack.
    /end of constructive critizitizenship

  74. 74

    Unchi no atama makes no sense in Japanese, it is not used as an insult. Googling gives you some hits for “tip of shit” when discussing constipation and the like.

  75. 75
    Three Ninjas

    Sometimes you’re mean just for the sake of being mean, and I find myself wondering what the point of it all is. You seem a victim of bullying who has become the bully sometimes.

  76. 76

    PZ, you’re not even wrong…

  77. 77

    I think that’s part of the joke… It’s just a litteral translation that doesn’t work in other languages. It doesn’t really work in French either.

    Though, if you want to say poopyhead in a way that actually works grammatically in Japanese, you’d have “kusottare”. But then that’s just nasty and doesn’t work as a joke, since that’s pretty much the same as “shithead”. To me, “unchi no atama” sounds like something a 4 years old might say and that’s it.

  78. 78
    Pierce R. Butler

    ‘E’s a slacker, ‘at’s wot ‘e is!

    ‘E knows full well that this AiG yegg in Fleming Island, Fla, ‘as been mocking evolution with (among other things) a slide showing ‘is proprietary crocoduck and calling it a “gator-bird” – “[m]uch to the delight of children—of all ages” – and ‘e ‘asn’t uttered a peep, I tells ya. Not a peep!

  79. 79

    You lecture in comic sans.

  80. 80

    I liked the old theme song better:

  81. 81

    Your colon is full of s#*t
    Your colon is part of you.
    Therefore you are full of s#*t.

    I figure if there’s one thing that upsets you, it’s a logical fallacy.

  82. 82

    Sorry, GOT to figure out what I’m doing wrong on these YT videos.

  83. 83

    I was going to attempt to imitate several of the eloquently descriptive comments, here, but then realized a much more effective fashion of abuse would be to suggest that your slacking was due to making mad love with Glenn Beck. :D

  84. 84
    Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Umm. Oh, I thought this was the self abuse thread. Pardon me while I go wash my paw.

  85. 85

    caput fæces

    (most likely wrong, but i’m having way too much fun here ;-)

  86. 86

    I fail to see the humour, if it doesn’t work in the target language. If you want bilingual jokes, there are better ones around.

    unchi is indeed children’s language, but “unchi no atama” is in no way something a four year old would use, in my opinion, I gave the only context it might make sense above. What would work marginally better is “unchi-atama” though, you can find some hits where it is used as a jocular insult.

    (I think the Japanese language is impoverished regarding swear words, though there are some, if you keep digging, there is quite a strong social taboo against using them, especially the m-word).

  87. 87

    Professor Meyers, you are a load of bat piss.

    umm…that is to say, you are like a shaft of gold when all around you is darkness.

  88. 88

    Paraphrasing one of my favorite insults from the movie Lion In Winter:

    “If you’re a [professor], there’s hope for every ape in Africa.”

  89. 89
    Gregory Greenwood

    Randomfactor @ 80;

    I liked the old theme song better:

    Noooooo! Not that terminally annoying narwhal song!


    *Runs screaming into the night*

  90. 90

    Ultimately I was referring to PZ’s entry about a sketch with “pharyngula” written on it in katakana. He said that he suspected it might say “PZ is a poopyhead”, and then somebody immediatly went and made a “PZ wa unchi no atama”. I know that it makes about as much sense as “fetchez la vache!”, and that in reality “unchi no atama” only really makes sense in the context of “the head of the poop” referring to the visible part of the poop when not all of it can be seen.

    I’ve been studying Japanese for a while now, and the feeling I got interacting with Japanese is that swear words that are not targetted are not quite as bad as in English (ie: “fuck!” alone when something bad happens), but that targetted swear works (ie: “fuck you!”) are seen as far worse than in English.

  91. 91
    Gregory Greenwood

    Morpheus91 @ 83;

    I was going to attempt to imitate several of the eloquently descriptive comments, here, but then realized a much more effective fashion of abuse would be to suggest that your slacking was due to making mad love with Glenn Beck. :D

    Oh come on! Did you have to pick Glenn Beck? Nobody deserves Glenn Beck*. How the hell am I going to get that image out of my head?

    Can someone please hurry up and invent brain-bleach already…

    * Well, maybe Ann Coulter does.

  92. 92

    You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk!
    You billowing bale of bovine fodder!

  93. 93
    chigau (違う)

    I know some Japanese women who won’t even write 馬鹿.
    Let alone say it.

  94. 94
    Would you rather... Behold a Steak or Stake a Beholder?

    Your mother was a hamster and your father smelted elderberries! And I heard that made quite a mess, too…

    Thou art an amicable yeti hexed by halite-breath! … Or something.

    You’re the One they talk about that’s in every family! As sharp as a sack of hammers! Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions written on the heel!

  95. 95

    Vous…vous avez un nez…. heu…. un nez… très grand.

  96. 96

    As my daughter might say, and is biological:


  97. 97

    You make me sick with all your bloody excuses. Your purpose in life is to keep us amused throughout the day. Do you realise that if people here can’t check for updates five times a day they might do anything!!!!! Downloading child-porn or looking at jihadi websites and deciding the whole holy warrior thing sounds pretty cool. But you don’t give a toss do you, with your so-called ‘work’.

    HONESTLY, we expect ONE thing of you and you let us down.


  98. 98

    @Peptron my new personal favorite insult is “half shat shit”, reserved for truly repulsive degenerates.

  99. 99
    'Tis Himself

    You’re the trickle down economics of bloggers.

    <Sorry, don’t know any biological insults. Gotta go with what I know.>

  100. 100

    May god have mercy on you. I’ll light a candle for you.

  101. 101

    You just need a new T-shirt to cheer you up:


  102. 102

    @ 95 Andybeaton

    Vous…vous avez un nez…. heu…. un nez… très grand.

    Oh, you sent me down memory lane.

    I cannot resist providing the next lines, each appropriately on-topic:

    - C’est un peu court, jeune homme!
    (aren’t you a bit short to be a stormtrooper? err, sorry, wrong translation)

    - Maraud, faquin, butor de pied plat ridicule!

  103. 103

    Wenn Ihr Blog war eine Zeitung, so würde kein anständiger Fisch darin eingewickelt werden.

  104. 104

    Great festering hagfish fodder!
    Have you no spine, sir?

  105. 105

    Only four letters in the genetic code, and ye still can’t figure out how to make your beard into Pirates-of-the-Caribbean-like tentacular goodness!

  106. 106

    Eh!? I’m too polite so I’ll have to pass on this one. You lame-brained wazzock.

  107. 107

    You sir, have the rigor of an Evolutionary Psychologist, the grounding of an Astrobiologist, and the credulity of a Chiropractor!

    *runs for cover!*

  108. 108

    Son of a Horse!

  109. 109

    Your writing skills suck dead bunnies through a straw. Your academic output is slower than shit on an anticholinergic. Du bist ein kniefickende Arshloch. Altogether a waste of electrons.

  110. 110

    Almost forgot “unoriginal”. Come on, Scalzi already did the “your hate mail will be graded” thing.

  111. 111

    Awa’ an’ bile yer heid, ye crapulous wee gobshite.

  112. 112

    You wretched earthbound clod, who could have been soaring with angels if you had only sent in your membership form and $69.95 to my One True Church. So long, atheist!

  113. 113

    CardinalSmurf #101–Shirt.Woot doth truly love the cephalopod. I have two earlier ones. Barely resisting…

  114. 114
    Alex, Tyrant of Skepsis

    PZ, you are such a protostome.

  115. 115
    Dave McCone

    May all your children grow up to be Republicans.

  116. 116
    Phalacrocorax, z Třetího Světa

    PZ is so incompetent he can’t even turn off the irritating automatic Youtube-video-embedding thingie in his own blog.

  117. 117

    *southern accent, with smirk*

    Well, bless your little heart!

  118. 118

    Another Byte #12. You have gone too far. That is beyond insulting. Please apologise to PZ.


    You are an excellent judge of character. Why else would you have such a huge inferiority complex?

  119. 119

    king pz–his royal feculence!

  120. 120
    Fickle Ibis

    Your beard is considerably less awesome than Kotetsu T. Kaburagi’s!

  121. 121

    Four toed tree stoat.

  122. 122

    You sir, are a Creationist in Evolutionist’s clothing….

    …..A closet Katlick

    ……disgruntled altar boy

  123. 123

    May God bless you, and the light of the son fill your soul keeping your thoughts pure and your body chaste until the day he comes to take you to his bosom and rise to the father’s mansions where you will sing hymns in happy idyle forever, never again troubled by that which you did not know, secure in the faith that God all the answers to the questions that troubled your earlier life.

    (You asked for it. Me, I think I need to go wash scour my brain with a steel brush and hydrochloric acid after thinking that up).

    – TWZ

  124. 124
    Badland, delurking for a bit

    contumaceous mammothrept

  125. 125

    You have opened your mind so much it appears your brain has fallen out.

    Attributable–Tim Minchin

  126. 126

    If the number of your eyes were equal to the number of your brain cells, you would still be one eye short of being able to play the role of Polyphemus in a theatrical rendition of Homer’s Odyssey.

  127. 127
    John Morales



    You ain’t worth insulting.

  128. 128
    Avo, also nigelTheBold

    Your most pleasing body odor suffers by comparison to my dog’s worst flatulence. Also, the trophy wife dresses you funny.

    Also, I look forward to seeing you on Friday.

    (That ain’t so much an insult as a threat of suffering my companionship for a few moments.)

  129. 129
    Avo, also nigelTheBold

    Oh! Wait! I have an even better one!

    You, Sir, would look comfortable in a dogs-playing-poker tableau.

  130. 130
    Snivelling Little Ratfaced Git


  131. 131
    Ogvorbis: Still failing at being human.

    PZ, you make peas look appetizing.

  132. 132

    PZ, I’ve met hagfish that are more endearing than you.

  133. 133

    Dumber than a male angler fish that’s met a female and twice as useless.

    This is really more of a fragment of an insult, but can be mixed and matched with others as needed.

  134. 134

    Bah! PZ you undifferentiable polynomial! You have a square root of negative 1 in your final exponent!

    massively off-topic:
    Today I achieved my 7² orbit around the sun.
    So, I say: “Yeaah! woohoo! I survived another circuit around the sun! ” and then I have cake for dessert.
    And the cake is not a lie.

  135. 135
    Avo, also nigelTheBold


    Today I achieved my 7² orbit around the sun.

    Congratulations on your peculiarly numerical (though not unusual) number of solar circuits!

    So, I say: “Yeaah! woohoo! I survived another circuit around the sun! ” and then I have cake for dessert.
    And the cake is not a lie.

    Whew! That was a close one.

  136. 136

    You look like Rick Perry.

  137. 137

    Hmph! You look like Rick Perry.

  138. 138

    Your mother’s tortillas taste like dead dogs’ tongues.

  139. 139
    Bill Door

    kutabare, kono ahou!
    Kuso na seibutsugakusha

  140. 140

    You malodorous stuffy-nosed heap of parrot droppings!

  141. 141
    chigau (違う)

    Badland, delurking for a bit

    contumaceous mammothrept

    OMG but I ♥ Robertson Davies.
    Part of me died with him.

  142. 142
    St. Exuperantius

    A weasel hath not such a deal of spleen as you are toss’d with.

  143. 143

    You bloody candiru!

  144. 144

    You .. . Bloody MRA! [sign of the forked fingers]

  145. 145

    I knew there had to be! And there is! A Captain Haddock insult generator. Now I only wonder if one exists in French. It must. Is there a rule for that?


    Hydrocarbon! Gyroscope! Black marketeer! Miserable molecule of mildew! Interplanetary goat [ed. --on fire, of course]! Lily-livered bandicoot! Carpathian caterpillar! Prize purple jelly-fish! Subtropical sea louse! Flaming Jack-in-a-box! Fancy-dress fascist!

  146. 146
    Badland, delurking for a bit

    Chigau – the man was brilliant. Anyone who keeps me running to the dictionary like he did gets extra kisses at breakfasttime

  147. 147

    With all the time I put into reading your blog at work, the least you can do is defer your real job to continue blogging! I put off my own work for you!

    Insults, insults, let’s see….
    Your astrologer called, and said this was a good day for you to come in for more Reiki treatments. She also let slip that you were born in the year of the cat.

    You have secret fantasies about a threesome with Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman.

    Does that count as zoological?

  148. 148
    Shplane, Spess Alium

    Cockulon-14: YWHW’s newest foreskin-collection automaton.


    Jive Turkey.

  149. 149

    Thou art a crusty botch of nature indeed.

  150. 150
    Masks of Eris

    PZ Myers, you lazy friend-to-the-bears. Rather frolic with them in the woods, would you, than do honest and hard work? No, worse yet! Even over meat and cakes would you place the enthusiasms of the kings of the forest; even over manly mind and mantle would you place the dancings of the gods of the wood.

    Fie! Lazy I call you, feckless as the waves of the dead lake, useless as firs on the dead mountain; a lazy person I call you, with no preamble or prevarication or repetition; as a spell and a shout I name you: the One-who-gets-no-thing-done, the maid with rot in her churn, the lad with a broken spear; the sleeping god of the sleepers that sleepeth, and work not, I call you.

    You were not by the star-eyed bears seduced, but willingly went to dance with them; you were not by the pearl-teethed bears enticed, but gladly came to prance in their company; in the glades and the shades, neath fir and foxwood and pine you slouched in the slow, and kicked in the high, in the be-ringed, be-damned shambling dance of the forest; for when there was work to be done, you went and danced with the bears.

    Fain would you sing,

    Rose the live beer upward, upward,
    From the bottom of the vessels,
    Upward in the tubs of birch-wood,
    Foaming higher, higher, higher,
    Till it touched the oaken handles,
    Overflowing all the caldrons;
    To the ground it foamed and sparkled,
    Sank away in sand and gravel,

    fain would you dance; yet while the dancing and the drinking of the bear-party proceedeth, the work of man and woman’s toil all lie undone, and the bears grow hungry.

    Fain would you sing, fain would you dance, with the lords of the forest, with the star-eyed space-kin of man, with the bear, hairy and snouty and not-to-be-trusted; but your work is undone, and the bears unfed; dance away, dance away, for see they dance not with you for any liking they have for the surface or soul of you.

    The redness of you they desire, the blood of you, the meat of you; for the hunger of the bear is the end of the man, and when the dance is done there is one dancer less, and the bears lie down fed.

    Flee! Flee! Run to your work, to your toil, to your papery hill and stream of bits; for it is spoken in the forests of Finland and the speaking is true: the wages of the lazy are to be eaten alive by bears, and those wages, PZ Myers, those wages are yours.

    (There, that should do for an insult in the pseudo-ancestral fashion. Stop procrastinating or the bears of the wood will eat you!)

  151. 151

    You are a cloven-hooved god!

  152. 152

    You load of fetid dingoes kidneys! (Seriously, no one has posted that yet?)

    May Cthulhu refuse to drag you down to R’lyeh as unworthy of his notice.

  153. 153
    Occam's Machete


  154. 154

    I recently read someone using the term ‘twat fucker’ apparently as an insult.

    Depending on how one makes the statistical adjustments for male and female homosexuals and bisexuals (etc) isn’t the total number of ‘twat fuckers’ in a given population somewhere around/ over the 50% mark?

    So, yeah! PZ, you wouldn’t be able to distinguish an Oxford comma from standard Guardian practice, you twat fucker!

  155. 155

    Why would I want to insult you PZ? You with that face of a weird beaver/otter lovechild, that body so reminiscent of a giant squid washed up on the shore, your little mole eyes and hyena hairdo, why would anyone possibly want to give you any abuse?

  156. 156
    Venture Free

    Insults, huh? Gotta insult you, right? Okay…um…here goes.

    So’s your face! Booyah!

  157. 157
    Cosmic Teapot, not the Antichrist.


  158. 158

    You’re not the messiah, you’re a naughty, naughty boy!

  159. 159

    Your mother was inflatable and your father was battery powered!

  160. 160

    …this is fun….so stress relieving!

  161. 161

    Hey PZ! May you be blessed by the Father, the Son and the Holey Ghost. May God be with you now and forever, bless you my son. Amen………….now suck on that!

  162. 162

    Wait, I just clicked on the link! Doh! That makes it easier.

    Your a Sarcastic Fringehead, Monkeyface Blenny, Bonytail Chub, California Smooth-tongue, Collared Carpetshark, Deepwater Flathead, Longjaw Mudsucker! Now bite me!

  163. 163
    PZ Myers

    You people are enjoying this way too much.

  164. 164

    and you?
    How do you like it, you xenoturbellid?

  165. 165

    PZ, you are the Master Debater.

  166. 166


    You masticating thespian. You Cthulhu annoying darwinist. You expected us to cut you some slack when you demanded insults? Suffer you practicing evolutionary biologist.

  167. 167

    Get back to work, you- you- YOU PROFESSOR!

  168. 168

    I’d rather vote Republican than listen to your lectures.

  169. 169
    Fear Uncertainty Doubt

    PZ, I can’t believe what an arrogant narcissist you are! I wouldn’t participate in your stupid “oh roast me like I’m David Hasselhoff” contest if you were the last stupid beardo atheist on the planet. The nerve of someone from some head-in-the-clouds ivory-tower elitist perfesser from a college which has some loudmouth gasbag blogger as it’s only claim to fame, to expect “the internet” to even bother spending one moment of time contemplating your terrible sense of dress and some kind of weird octopus fetish and going to the effort of posting the 3563rd comment of your self-indulgent, waste-of-time blog just praying that, oh gosh golly, I hope PZ reads my comment, as if we have nothing better to do, only proves what a big headed fool you are. I wouldn’t spare a single pixel on insulting you, you aren’t worth the effort.

  170. 170

    Of course I can avoid scatology but still keep it puerile, you Slippery Dick*!!

    *See also Halichoeres bivittatus

  171. 171
    The Lorax

    PZ, You are a faster-than-light neutrino: Just as soon as we start to figure this shit out, you come along to fuck it up.

  172. 172
    Rey Fox

    Now it’s time to open up some being-hit-on-the-head lessons. Post something bashing sexists or libertarians.

  173. 173


    You people are enjoying this way too much.

    This is what Goethe would call a “die Geister, die ich rief” moment

  174. 174

    Ihre Mutter riecht nacht Schwefelsaure.

  175. 175

    You have secretly posted unkind things about Rebecca Watson.

  176. 176

    @ Sally Strange 145

    I knew there had to be! And there is! A Captain Haddock insult generator. Now I only wonder if one exists in French. It must.

    There is. Charabia.net

    By pure coincidence, I got this:

    “Bayadère de vermicelle volant !”

    Almost enough to convert me to the FSM cult…

  177. 177

    Some ichthyical insults..

    You Three-toothed puffer!
    You Hog sucker!
    You Slimy sculpin!
    You Convict cichlid!
    You Greenbone!
    You Worm eel!
    You Shortnose sucker!
    You Tube-snout!
    You Wahoo!
    You Steelhead!
    You Pollock!
    You Weasel shark!
    You Longjaw mudsucker
    You Clown loach!
    You Snubnose parasitic eel!

  178. 178

    More ornithological insults…

    You Red–necked stint!
    You Hoary-headed Grebe!
    You Banded Dotterel!
    You Yellowhead!
    You Dunnock!

  179. 179

    PZ says “You people are enjoying this way to much!”

    I say – Shut up you geriatric cephalapod semen wad. Now get back to work!

  180. 180
    Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls

    Finally ready to abuse PZ. May your book only sell 500,000 copies, and your peers see you aren’t an administrator, and unelect you from department head.

  181. 181
    Ava, Oporornis maledetta

    #148 and #150: Hahahahahahahahaha
    Almost made me forget to insult PZ.

    You are one tentacle short of an octopus.
    Ken Ham is a better speaker than you.
    Icanhascheezburger is a better read than Pharyngula.
    Your beard will never match Darwin’s for coolness.
    Even your town is named after a cat.
    I LOL at you.

  182. 182
    Ava, Oporornis maledetta

    The tentacled overlord Myers
    Set a torch to the horde-ian fires.
    He invited abuse
    But he’s far to obtuse
    To detect when a challenge misfires.

    (erm, it’s late . . .)

  183. 183
    Ava, Oporornis maledetta

    Good grief,

    “too” obtuse

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