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Oct 25 2012

Allergic to logic

The Scene: Heaven – Intelligence Design Inc., a celestial engineering firm. Angels toil away on various projects, some at architect’s easels, others at lab benches, other stitching together prototypes of different animal species. A senior angel wanders the corridors, supervising. A peal of trumpets announces the (unexpected) arrival of YAHWEH.

Supervisor: Lord! (All angels look up from their projects, shocked to see the boss, and reflexively genuflect)

YAHWEH: Surprise inspection time, bitches! What have you drones got cooking?

Supervisor: W…w…well Lord, we’ve been focusing on creating things for your animal creatures to eat. We wouldn’t want them to start eating each other, would we? (He chuckles weakly)

YAHWEH: Hmm… (YAHWEH pauses, musing) We’re going to put a pin in that idea.

(An angel attending YAHWEH scribbles a note on a pad of paper)

Supervisor: Uh… aha. Okay. Yes. Anyway, so as I was saying, we’ve got a few things in progress. Our micro team is working on a process we think you’ll really appreciate. It allows green plants to take the carbon dioxide out of the air and convert it back into usable oxygen.

YAHWEH: What? What for?

Supervisor: Um, well… Lord you had told us that it would be… “funny”… if animals needed to breathe in air and then expel a gas that becomes poisonous when it rises to a sufficient concentration. That way they would occasionally, I believe the word you used was “croak” for lack of air. (Pulls out a sheet of paper from a pocket and checks a note) Yes it was definitely “croak”, because it was right after we had invented the frog, and you thought that the noise they made was, and again this was your phrasing, “fucking hysterical”.

YAHWEH: I did? (Laughs uproariously, and his retinue throws in a couple of good-natured chuckles) That’s hilarious! Okay, oxygen. Brilliant. Love it. What else have we got?

Supervisor: Well we’re tying that process to the production of sugars and vitamins so that foods that are good to eat taste the best, while foods that are less healthy are unpleasant. That way we can encourage health and happiness without interfering with your “free will” mandate.

YAHWEH: Hmm… wait. I’ve got it. Scratch that plan. Instead, make the healthiest things taste awful, and make all the stuff that will clog up those… uh… blood tube things…

Supervisor: Arteries?

YAHWEH: Yeah. Those. Make that stuff taste amazing. Then they’ll gorge their fucking faces off, and then their hearts will suddenly stop and they’ll die in unexpected agony! (Bellows with laughter)

Supervisor: Are you… sure?

YAHWEH: Are you QUESTIONING ME? (Thunder rumbles in the not-too-distant distance)

Supervisor: N…n…n…o Lord! I would never! I was just unclear as to why we would want your creatures to suffer when there are simple ways to make that kind of suffering less likely.

YAHWEH: ‘Cause it’s funny! C’mon man, get your knickers unbunched! Have a little fun! Don’t you ever just get really wasted and start imagining those fuckers staggering around, clutching their chests, bleeding our of their eyes, their families watching in impotent horror as their loved one ceases to be as they watch, powerless to intercede?

Supervisor: (Horrified) No!

YAHWEH: You really should. It’s fucking classic. I can’t wait until we get to do it live! Anyway, what else have we got?

(An angel, sitting nearby, is trying to tune out the conversation)

YAHWEH: You! What are you working on there?

Angel: Well I… that is…

YAHWEH: Speak up, come on, don’t be shy! I’m not going to smite you. (Pauses, considering). I’m probably not going to smite you.

Angel: Well I was just tinkering with this legume here. Thinking about putting a shell on it…

YAHWEH: (Snatching the project off the table) Gimme that! (Pops it in his mouth) Hmm. HMM! That is one tasty legume! Sort of… nutty. Scrumptious! What’s it called?

Supervisor: (Checking a page on a clipboard) That’s the… ‘peabean’, Lord. It’s suitable to be smashed up into a paste or fed to stereotypical elephants.

YAHWEH: Bean? This is no mere bean. This, my fine feathered friend, is a nut! (Bellowing) Dominion! Hear my decree! This shall henceforth be known as a peanut!

Angel: (blushing) I’m glad it’s to your liking, Lord.

YAHWEH: Liking? Who couldn’t like this? Hell, people are going to eat these everywhere! At sporting events, at bars, at schools… (he pauses, thinking. A smile slowly crosses his face) (To the supervisor) Bring me the plans for the human immune system.

Supervisor: Lord?

YAHWEH: I just got a fucking outrageous idea for a practical joke.

(The supervisor rushes across the room to the ‘human anatomy’ section and gingerly extracts a set of blueprints. He brings it over to YAHWEH)

YAHWEH: Okay let’s see… hmm. Okay remind me what this doohickey does?

Supervisor: (Craning his neck to see) That would be the… ah yes that’s the histamine pathway. It’s to help react to foreign proteins and harmful substances. The body reacts with inflammation and swelling and other things to…

YAHWEH: Make this thing make that thing go.

Supervisor: Lord?

YAHWEH: Make it so that when someone eats a peanut, it makes their histameanie dealie go off. But not like regular… like CRAZY a lot. Like… super histameanie.

Supervisor: But that might kill them!

YAHWEH: (Giggling a little) I know, right?

Supervisor: Ah yes, Lord I see. Very amusing. Small problem with your plan though – if it kills them, they won’t eat it anymore.

YAHWEH: (Mulling) Hmm… good point. Okay, let’s see… (he strokes his comically-long beard) Got it. No problems. Here’s what we do. We make it only kill some people. Like… seemingly at random. Most people find it delicious, but some get killed by it. That’d work, right?

Supervisor: It could… so is this one of your “divine mercy” things, where people who have sinned and therefore deserve death are struck dead to serve as an example to those who flout your perfect justice?

YAHWEH: Naw, we’ve got gradually shifting tectonic plates for that. No this one is just for shits and giggles. Get this: we give it… (he muffles a giggle) to kids!

Supervisor: Kids, Lord?

YAHWEH: Yeah! We make it so that kids just die, randomly, for eating something that pretty much everyone else can eat no problem! (He wipes away a tear, trying unsuccessfully to conceal his glee) And we’ll make it so that some day eventually kids will be unable to bring certain kinds of sandwiches and candy to school (Another muffled giggle) or they’ll kill their friends! (He laughs uproariously, holding his sides, tears streaming down his face).

Supervisor: You’re an asshole, Lord.

YAHWEH: What was that?

Supervisor: Nothing…

Intelligent design? This scenario seems a lot more likely to me.

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16 comments

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  1. 1
    billygutter01

    Excellent!

    That got my day off to a great and chucklesome start, Crommunist.

    Thank-you!

  2. 2
    jamessweet

    Trying out scripts for NonStampCollector, now that he’s an FTBorg? ;) Seriously, there’s gotta have been some kind of subconcious triggering going on here, because this is extremely reminicent of High Stakes Intelligent Designing:

  3. 3
    Alverant

    It sounds like a Nonstampcollector video. He should make one.

  4. 4
    Crommunist

    PLAGIARISM! PLAGIARISM MOSTE FOULE!

    Now I’m all self-conscious. Maybe I stole it by mistake :(

  5. 5
    jamessweet

    Meh, it’s different enough for both to be entertaining in their own right. I just thought it was funny coming right on the heels of NSC’s arrival at FtB.

  6. 6
    nichrome

    YAHWEH’s going to have a lot of fun later with mushrooms, I’ll bet!

  7. 7
    unbound

    Read the whole thing thinking of Mr. Deity…would love to see them do this one.

  8. 8
    Cuttlefish

    I so heard Yahweh in Ricky Gervais’s voice.

  9. 9
    lorenprice

    The design is not the problem. The reason for things like this is the fall. The pathetic humans disobeyed Yehweh and did it to themselves. Just look at the teeth of T. rex, they are obviously designed to break coconuts but we messed up and forced them to eat meat instead.

  10. 10
    dianne

    staggering around, clutching their chests, bleeding out of their eyes, their families watching in impotent horror as their loved one ceases to be as they watch, powerless to intercede?

    Humanity considers the scenario for a bit, says, “fuck you” to nature and slaps some nitropaste on. Yahweh takes credit for cases of survival.

  11. 11
    Marcus Ranum

    I so heard Yahweh in Ricky Gervais’s voice.

    Me too!

  12. 12
    generik

    I heard YAHWEY as Patrick Warburton. (the voice of joe on family guy) It’s really deep and has a kind of maniacal idiocy to it that I find hilarious.

  13. 13
    Christopherm

    I second that it reads just like a Mr Deity episode, minus the swearing. Thanks for starting my morning out with a laugh.

  14. 14
    TGAP Dad

    I think Mr. Deity would be proud!

  15. 15
    sumdum

    I totally read it as god from NSC’s video. It’s a good script though.

  16. 16
    opposablethumbs

    That was … disturbingly apposite.

    Seriously, why don’t those people who do believe in the abrahamic god hate the fucker?

    (yeah, I know, they only give sky-daddy credit for all the good stuff … or bad shit that happens to other people … or they convince themselves they deserve it … ::headdesk::)

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