Shut up, Bryan

Remember this guy? Bryan Johnson is a millionaire who has dedicated his life to obsessively striving to become ‘younger,’ sort of, and only seems to have become a boring monomaniac.

His quest is surprisingly granular, and won’t shut up about his little idée fixe. Guess what little thing he’s focused on now?

I’m done. I don’t want to know any more.


  1. numerobis says

    Honestly, as rich-person obsessions go, this is relatively harmless. I mean he might instead be trying to set up a fascist dictatorship or sustaining the corrupt oligarchy if he wasn’t so distracted by the fountain of youth.

  2. robro says

    I must be a really unhealthy fellow by this guys standards because I’m pretty sure I never had a 3 hour erection at any time of the day or night, or under any circumstance…alone or with someone. It fact, the idea of a 2 or 3 hour erection sounds downright uncomfortable. And per the Mayo Clinic, if you have an erection for more than 4 hours, go to the emergency room because you may have some form of Priapism.

  3. quotetheunquote says

    [Insert Lucy van Pelt meme here: “God, what an asshole”.]

    @Marcus #5. Would love to see that.

    I am not normally one to make hubristic (is that a word?) predictions, but after reading about all the pills, injections etc. that this guy is taking, I suspect I’ll be reading his obituary some day. And I’m 15 years older than he is.

  4. says

    What’s funny to me about that guy is he looks about his age. Sure, he has a softbox lighting him in that photo, but he’s only fooling himself. He’s also wearing some kind of skin tightener makeup.
    When I was 50 I was often mistaken for 40. Especially if I shave and I’m sure I could pass for 50 if I tinted the gray out of my hair. What one does not see is the cerebral atrophy, joint damage, gout damage, herniated lumbar disc, and debilitating philosophical outlook. I feel 60. Up until my mid 50s I felt the same as I did in my 30s or even late 20s.
    That shiny young dildo is in for a big surprise when it all catches up with him, as it always does, for all of us.
    Eat right, exercise, avoid smoke, avoid heavy metals, cyanide, stuff like that and you can live a good life right up until the wheels fall off. And they always do.
    I sometimes pause to think maybe I should forgo the occasional wine with my dinner, or exercise more (because apparently hanging drywall or forging steel does not count) and then I have before me the example of our youngish goober – a life well lived is more enjoyable than an eternity with your head up your own ass.

  5. hemidactylus says

    Wouldn’t his regimen be like lat pulldowns and rowing machine excercises and rarely getting into the boat that may have a little man in it? Also focused shockwave therapy on your junk sounds like it could do more harm than good. It could deaden sensitivity. I wonder if he’s into cognitive behavioral therapy too (acronym check).

  6. says

    Sounds like he’s all-consumed with his sciency obsession to be the biggest unyielding prick in the room.
    Speaking of Sciency:
    what we’re getting from both Musk and Bezos is this classically new age-y religious drama of disaster and salvation.
    Junk Science Is Putting Innocent People in Prison August 17, 2023
    The Innocence Project’s Chris Fabricant explains the various ways evidence can be manipulated to look scientifically sound, but is usually not.

  7. hemidactylus says

    Sorry but this is priceless stuff right here: “The painfulness of the [focused shockwave therapy] treatment, Johnson casually explains, clocks in at a seven out of 10, though “towards the tip of the shaft it’s probably 9.5 out of 10.””

    Ok. I imagine this will become the techbro thing to do now. He should do a TED Talk.

  8. says

    @13 hemidactylus wrote: Ok. I imagine this will become the techbro thing to do now. He should do a TED Talk.
    I reply: Yes, you’re right. But, you missed the opportunity to inflict much more pain and damage by making it a “tik-tok challenge”

  9. lotharloo says

    At first I thought the guy is a total clown but I had to change my mind a bit on him, even though he is a fucking rich guy. If you throw away the over the top parts, his “blueprint” is actually sound advice. The biggest part of it are (1) eat healthy, healthy greens, (2) exercise (3) get good sleep (4) avoid things like tobacco, alcohol and so on. In the realm of shitty health advice it’s not too bad actually. See, I don’t unreasonably hate rich guys, I can be fair too.

  10. says

    I am a bit curious: How does he measure erection time? Is he wearing some kind of device that measures that sort of thing?

  11. StonedRanger says

    When did the ‘International Index of Erectile Function’ become a thing? And who catalogs that kind of information? Goddamn, the times they are a changin.

  12. hemidactylus says

    I’d rather the junk zapping stay confined within the crowd that attends TED events and not get extended toward the hapless masses who consume TikTok challenge videos. They have enough problems. If it went to TikTok, blame for an uptick in ER visits for fried junk would inevitably be cast on the ChiComs and there would be a whole Congressional investigation insinuating that Obama, Soros, and Biden encourage people to zap their junk because Cultural Marxism. Desantis would blame it on woke ideology. So no!

  13. Matthew Currie says

    I liked Marcus’s “staff” suggestion. But having to stay up all night must be hard on them too.

  14. hemidactylus says

    So is this properly called “junk science” since it is about…well…the way junk works or doesn’t? For most people morning wood is an annoyance. This guy is making it stand out front and center. I’ve probably milked this for all it is worth.

  15. says

    That whole thing makes me want to rewatch Dr. Strangelove.
    General Jack D. Ripper: Yes, a uh, a profound sense of fatigue… a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I… I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence.

  16. hemidactylus says

    For what it’s worth I lost interest in AC/DC a few years after legendary Bon Scott died. But his replacement Brian Johnson, despite the band’s name, probably never thought of rejuvenating his Johnson, unlike Bryan, with a “Live Wire”. Bryan might take care with that “High Voltage”.

  17. John Morales says

    A bit of a change of pace to see someone mocked merely for being eccentric and hopeful in a rather silly self-deluded way, rather than being malicious or harmful to others.

    (A touch of cruelty, there)

  18. nomdeplume says

    @27 Or, you know, mocked for being part of the anti-science crusade, especially in America. Sure, at one level, his nonsense attempts at “rejuvenation” are comical and could be pitied, but we are not far away fro the junk science of homeopathy and woo and anti-vaxxers here, and they are certainly not funny.

  19. John Morales says

    Sure, nomdeplume. Maybe it’s righteous mockery, and I just don’t see that.

    (“Guess what little thing he’s focused on now?”)

  20. ockhamsshavingbrush says

    @ LykeX #16

    Ahemmm…let me introduce you to…….drumroll…..penile plethysmography (PPG).It involves strain gauges and some contraption strapped around your junk. It was – IIRC – used to measure the response of sex offenders to certain pictures (CSA and r**e scenes) and from the hard-on those people got make some “prediction” for the risk of the subject to become a repeat offender. Weak correlation though if I’m n ot mistaken.

    When I was a youth we did some dares involving live cattle-wire and peeing on those,….fun times.