1. Rossignol says

    It’s not that you’re actually five years old.
    It’s because you’re a dad.
    This is a dad joke.

  2. Lady Mondegreen says

    @dexitroboper #5

    Tentickles is my favourite Greek Hero

    It was so exciting when he captured the Golden Chromatophore.

  3. throwaway, never proofreads, every post a gamble says

    It’s not that you’re actually five years old.
    It’s because you’re a dad.
    This is a dad joke.

    Those with 5 year old can attest that the enthusiasm for this kind of joke was exhibited by the spawn as well. The excitement of telling someone how to make a handkerchief dance, probably for the other participant’s 500th sojourn into “I don’t know, how?” feigned ignorance, is completely novel without a hint of irony to a 5 year old. And so, due to that novelty, that utter joy at something so simple as a play on words, the parent takes the helm as the lead joke-teller. The child’s amusement and laughter is easily won, it seems like cheating to have such a receptive audience; yet, the joy is real, the laughter is real, the love is real. And it’s for that reason that you should ALWAYS laugh hysterically at dad jokes or mom jokes. Because the goal wasn’t to be funny. It was to show you how much they want you to be happy and enjoy life. Even the bits where the punchline is horrible.

  4. throwaway, never proofreads, every post a gamble says

    Above was a quote of Rossignol @6.

  5. tbtabby says

    In a world that has inflicted upon us Mind of Mencia, Seltzerberg parodies and Teen Titans Go, I can’t people there are still people who think puns are the lowest form of humor.

  6. anym says

    3, Zeckenschwarm:

    And shouldn’t that have been a squid?

    It’s a meme: :)

    Whilst it is great that you’re here to tell us these things, I feel I should probably point out that the comment was about the subject of the joke, not the subject of the photo. On account of the number of limbs, you see?

  7. Jeremy Shaffer says

    That was a great joke. I’ll have to remember it*. The last joke that made me laugh pretty hard was:

    Question: Why did the hipster burn her mouth? Answer: Because she ate her pizza before it was cool!

    * And I’m not even a dad, so it can’t be a “dad joke”.

  8. Beatrice, an amateur cynic looking for a happy thought says

    The last joke that made me laugh was for a car commercial on the radio yesterday:

    “This thing has 205 horses, 204 if you don’t count me.”

    I’m glad to see I share the (crappy) sense of humor with the folks here.

  9. Al Dente says

    One of Poul Anderson’s Dominic Flandry short stories has Sir Dominic in a culture which uses large dogs as beasts of burden. Flandry is leaving the town on an ancient, decrepit canine with the mayor’s daughter objecting to her father: “You shouldn’t send a knight out on a dog like this.”

  10. Spoo says

    Why do giraffes have such long legs?

    Because if they were any shorter their feet wouldn’t touch the ground!

  11. René says

    The best joke I was ever told, was by a five-year old. She just got it herself, and did a good job telling it.

  12. jd142 says

    @18 – Don’t you go comparing Teen Titans Go to Carlos Mencia, except as a do *this* not *that* respectively.

  13. esmith4102 says

    Humorous! But question: If one tickled under each arm of an octopus, where would the extra two tickles go? The bizarre mind of a trained scientist would like to know.

  14. Menyambal says

    There’s a dad joke meme, with Carl from the Walking Dead as the recipient. Last one I saw was “I drank some food coloring and I dyed inside.”

  15. Peter B says

    Q: Why does a faucet drip?
    A: [has to be spoken] Because it can’t go (here the speaker inhales sharply through his nose making a snotty sound)

    This grandpa tells this joke to adults who say that can never remember the punch line. In my experience children have to be ~8yo before they get it.

  16. ledasmom says

    Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
    Because the “P” is silent.

  17. Al Dente says

    What’s the difference between an elephant and a grape? Grapes are purple.

    What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming? “Here come the elephants.”

    What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming? “Here come the grapes.” (Jane was colorblind.)

  18. athyco says

    I have a great love for dad jokes. With them, I taught 8th graders to read phonetic respellings with the diacritical marks found in dictionaries. For the most part, their science and history textbooks had been using non-phonemic systems. I remember a scholastic magazine article about October Sky rendering Jake Gyllenhaal as Jill-in-hall. That wouldn’t be any help to my students in high school.

    They hated the first two worksheets, but by the time we got to the third, the dad jokes had them hooked. A favorite was “What is a honeymoon salad?”

    Lettuce alone without dressing.

  19. Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened says

    Ohmydog the little husky puppy makes it all so much better! Even if it’s eyes are photoshopped to fuck.

  20. Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened says

    How do you eat a Welsh cheese?


    What cheese is made backwards?


    What cheese makes horses blind?


    Which cheese would you use to coax a bear down from a tree?


    Why didn’t the cheddar want to get sliced?

    It had grater plans!

    I love a cheesy joke :)

  21. Saad says

    Von Krieger, #32

    Haha, those are great!

    Nice touch with “Coral” instead of “Carl”. He really does pronounce it like that sometimes.

  22. Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened says

    @ von Krieger and Saad

    I just finished reading those too. Genuinely one of the most fantastic things I have ever seen :)

  23. wondering says

    The last thing that made me laugh was not a dad joke. Courtesy of John Oliver and his Marketing to Doctors clip:

    “Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends; they’re more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they’re in there.”

  24. Menyambal says

    Courtesy of my daughter:

    “Dad, I’m hungry.”

    “Hi, Hungry, I’m Dad”

  25. says


    Q. What kind of cheese can make you taller?
    A. Stilton!

    Q. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
    A. Nacho cheese.

    Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
    Debris went everywhere!

  26. Menyambal - враг народа says

    Daughter: “What’s happening?”

    Me: “Listening to you ask, ‘What’s happening?'”

  27. Al Dente says

    Dad: This is your birthday present, you’ll love it or else.
    Daughter: Or else what?
    Dad: Or else you won’t.

  28. says

    One day I accidentally dropped the F-bomb in front of Dad.

    His response? “Don’t fucking swear!”

    Gee… where did he think I’d learned that word in the first place?

  29. What a Maroon, oblivious says

    All I can say is that I’m glad my kids don’t read this blog. Because if they did, they’d spend the whole summer adding to this list.

  30. says

    What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?



    Two muffins are sitting in the oven. The first muffin says, “Boy, it’s hot in here.”

    The second says, “Holy crap, it’s a talking muffin!”

  31. chigau (違う) says

    re: Dad and the F-bomb
    Is there any chance that he was being ironic?