I did not know this was a thing

I’ve been missing out on a real fashion opportunity: the Flower Beard. At last, something pretty that a hairy old man can do!


That my beard has gotten very gray may actually be a good thing here — I’m thinking that flowers in a couple of strong colors would really pop against the light background. And the scent! I’d smell nice, too.


  1. kevinalexander says

    Or you could shave your head and grow your beard out into dreads. You know, the cephalopod look.

  2. Janine the Jackbooted Emotion Queen says

    I guess this could be a way to cosplay as a discworld troll.

  3. CompulsoryAccount7746, Sky Captain says

    And the scent! I’d smell nice, too.

    No wait. Carnivorous plants!
    Image: Land and Sea (1887) – The tentacly man-eating Ya-te-veo tree
    * Bonus: Linked article has Lovecraft-like descriptions of trees. Sigh, with some late 19th-century racism.

  4. Trebuchet says

    “Better than a bee beard.”

    I disagree. In fact, my first thought was “That’s even more disturbing than a beard of bees.”

  5. CompulsoryAccount7746, Sky Captain says

    @carlie #2:

    Better than a bee beard.

    Oh, right.
    Warning: When choosing flowers, consider the pollinators you’ll be attracting.

  6. says

    So it’s now fashionable to be a Green Man? All that is old is new again! Pagan fashion at its most refreshingly blatant, if not really all that good-looking…

  7. azhael says

    I don’t want aphids in my beard, thanx. I once found an Achroia caterpillar in there and that’s quite enough for the rest of my life…

  8. PaulBC says

    Lichens would make an interesting beard, if you don’t mind being mistaken for an ent (as if you would be so lucky!).

    And like the song says “If you’re going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair.” That doesn’t rule out facial hair, right?

  9. rq says

    That middle guy there, he’s got a beard made of lichen. This is useful, because in order to make tea for himself and his friends, he simply dips his beard into some hot water and voila! Also, the beard occasionally grows some lingonberries for a tangy refreshment.
    So I think you should look into this – it’s flowers and prettiness today, but the future is in sustainable ecobearding.

  10. Dark Jaguar says

    Pretty, and if they were weaved into the hair as well, would “complete” the look.

    However, weaving flowers around MY head, however it might be managed, would be a huge mistake (as well if many of the bearded man types I know were to attempt it). Allergies, I don’t put flowers in my hair partly because of allergies. Generally, nature and I get along fine so long as it stays outside and I stay inside. I understand the need for nature and trees and pollen and such, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

  11. lowkey says

    This is not a “thing”, just some idiot defiling the majesty of his beard for a photograph.

  12. Lady Mondegreen says

    I think you should look into this – it’s flowers and prettiness today, but the future is in sustainable ecobearding.

    I beg your acceptance of this elegant internet.

  13. Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden says

    The picture PZ chose is very Brannagh-esqe (that’s a good thing, at least in my book), but **damn** number 13 is quite the puckish sprite!

    (Which is, in my opinion, an even better thing.)

  14. says

    CD @ 20:

    but **damn** number 13 is quite the puckish sprite!

    Agreed. He also sports flora which works best in a beard – small flowers, on the understated side. Works much better than large flowers.

  15. Grewgills says

    That and they’d actually stay in. Most of the others would probably fall out within five steps without glue or an uncomfortable crap ton of pins.

  16. Ice Swimmer (was Nakkustoppeli) says

    Nice, but I’d prefer to wear flowers that aren’t poisonous in my beard. Those six-petaled flowers look like anemones, which contain toxic compounds e.g. that irritate the skin.